The most IRRESPONSIBLE person I know (Executive Function challenges)

If Your Child Is Highly Irresponsible, Read This

If you’re a parent or teacher working with a child who seems highly irresponsible, and that concerns you, this video is for you.

What’s up? My name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach in Colorado. I help struggling students navigate this thing called education so they can have a great life.

If you have a child who struggles with responsibility, that can absolutely impact their future. So today, I want to talk about the most irresponsible person I know: me.

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When I was younger, I used to refer to myself as the most irresponsible person I knew. I carried a lot of shame around that because, honestly, it felt true.

I got fired from places like Subway, Walgreens, a grocery store, a door-to-door sales job, and even a telemarketing job on my very first day. I couldn’t get things turned in. I couldn’t show up consistently. I would tell people I was going to do something, and then I wouldn’t do it.

I felt like the biggest liar in the world.

My story was: I am the most irresponsible person I know.

At that time, I had a very fixed mindset. If you’re familiar with the work of Carol Dweck, a fixed mindset means believing that who you are is who you are, and that you can’t change.

I thought I was a worthless person who would never figure things out. I didn’t think I could have a good life. I didn’t believe I had choices.

On the outside, I acted like I had it all together.

“Get off my back.”
“Leave me alone.”
“I’ve got this.”
“How come nobody trusts me?”

But on the inside, I felt like I was never going to make anything of my life because the evidence seemed to support that belief.

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I thought I was broken. I thought I needed to be fixed. I believed there was something fundamentally wrong with me.

That story became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I constantly looked for evidence to prove it was true. This is called confirmation bias.

“Yep, there’s another example.”
“See? I can’t do anything right.”
“I’m a failure.”
“I can’t do it.”

That became my identity.

Today, if I tell you I’m going to do something, there’s about a 95% chance I’m going to do it. My word is pretty solid. It’s not perfect, but it’s reliable. And if I can’t do something, I’ll communicate that.

That change didn’t happen overnight. It took years of effort, self-reflection, personal growth, and executive function work.

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If you have a child who seems irresponsible, what that often means is that they don’t yet have the tools to be responsible.

In other words, they don’t yet have the executive function skills they need.

When something interested me, I had plenty of executive function. But when it came to large goals and non-preferred activities, I didn’t have the skills necessary to overcome my resistance and take action.

Executive function is not motivation.

It’s not discipline.

It’s not simply deciding to try harder.

Executive function skills are built and developed over time, just like muscles. And I simply hadn’t built those skills yet.

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If your child is struggling with responsibility, I would guess they beat themselves up more than you realize.

Even if they act confident, they may feel:

* Hopeless
* Stuck
* Ashamed
* Defeated

They may believe:

“This is just who I am.”
“I’m never going to be able to do this.”
“It’s too hard.”
“I give up.”

Then they find excuses to protect themselves from those uncomfortable feelings and push away anyone who threatens that belief system.

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So how do we get unstuck?

How did I get unstuck?

How can a young person who struggles with responsibility start moving forward?

1. Mindset

First, they need to believe they can change.

Not that it will be easy.

Not that it will be fast.

But that it is possible.

My personal belief about belief is this:

I don’t have to believe something 100% of the time. I just need to believe it 100% of the time sometimes.

A young person needs moments where they can genuinely say:

“I can do this.”
“I can figure this out.”
“I can grow.”
“I can build these skills.”

Will self-doubt show up? Of course.

Imposter syndrome is part of the process.

But adults can help by consistently communicating belief in the child’s potential. What we say matters. When we believe in kids, it impacts how they see themselves.

2. Foundations

Mindset alone isn’t enough.

We also need skills.

We need tools.

We need foundational executive function abilities such as:

* Planning
* Organization
* Self-advocacy
* Prioritization
* Follow-through

Belief without skills won’t solve the problem. We need both.

3. Practice

Once we have the mindset and the tools, we have to practice.

We need to maintain those skills.

We need to sharpen the sword.

That’s how growth happens.

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So is it really that simple?

Yes.

Is it easy?

No.

Kids will resist.

A lot.

Our job is to compassionately help them work through that resistance while supporting things like:

* Emotional regulation
* Sleep
* Nutrition
* Exercise

The process is simple, but it isn’t easy.

We need to help them:

* Develop healthier mindsets
* Build practical skills
* Continually practice and strengthen those skills

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Now let me tell you the five things that helped me get unstuck.

1. Humility

I admitted that I was stuck and needed help.

2. Asking for Help

Once I acknowledged I needed help, I asked for it.

That wasn’t easy.

3. Receiving the Help

You can ask someone for a glass of water, but if they hand it to you and you don’t take it, you still don’t have water.

I had to actually receive the help that was being offered.

4. Persistence

I kept going.

I didn’t quit when results were slow.

I didn’t expect a quick fix.

5. Meaning

I found meaning in what I was doing.

This is one of the biggest challenges for many students.

Homework often doesn’t feel meaningful.

Reading assignments may not feel meaningful.

Writing papers may not feel meaningful.

But finding purpose and value in what we’re doing is incredibly important.

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I had a mentor named Reed. He was a very old man who had a tremendous impact on my life.

One thing he often told me was:

> “Find value in today.”

That advice changed me.

Many young people struggle because they can’t see the value in the work they’re being asked to do.

Finding that value can be incredibly difficult, but it’s also incredibly important.

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So, to summarize, the five things that helped me get unstuck were:

1. Humility — I admitted I needed help.
2. Asking for help.
3. Accepting and applying the help.
4. Persistence — I kept going.
5. Finding meaning and value.

Today, I find tremendous value in the work I do. I love my life, and I feel incredibly fortunate.

That took work.

But any student can get there.

There is no reason they can’t.

With the right support, tools, and guidance, young people can learn these skills and build a meaningful life.

My name is Seth Perler.

If you like what I’m doing, please share my work with someone who might benefit from it.

And let me know in the comments:

How do you help students get unstuck?
How do you get unstuck yourself?

Take care.