INTROVERTS: How to support with Executive Function, ADHD, 2e

Hey, it’s Seth with SethPerler.com and ExecutiveFunctionSummit.com.
If you’re trying to support introverts, how do we do that? I’m going to give you four strategies here. I don’t care if you’re an introvert, an ambivert, an extrovert, or who you are watching this. I don’t care if you’re a parent, a student, a therapist, or a teacher—this is for you if you want to support introverts.

So, what does that mean? Well, I get these questions quite often about introverts: “How do we support an introvert?” or “How do we support someone who doesn’t say much?” We’re trying to get answers and be helpful, but they just don’t say much. What often happens—especially with people like me, extroverts—although I don’t do this, a lot of extroverts are talkers. We can speak with another extrovert, and it’s just like bounce-bounce-bounce back, like a tennis game—back and forth.

But when it comes to working with people who are more quiet, introverted, or don’t say as much, I have to create a different kind of space. I have to create a space where they can really feel heard. So essentially, what we’re trying to do here is help introverts or people who don’t talk much feel heard.

If you want to be more helpful, the secret is simple: we actually have to hear them. That’s the real secret. But I’m going to give you practical ideas, because a lot of people asking these questions—parents or teachers—are really trying to be helpful but just don’t know how to get the person to talk. Often, we mess it up by talking too much or not giving enough space.

I’ll give you one example, especially for you introverts, that you’ll probably recognize. It drives me nuts when someone is presenting or teaching and they say:
“Alright, does anybody have any questions?”
“No?”
“Okay, let’s move on.”

That’s not enough time. Hey, anyone got any questions before we move on? Okay, great. But how can people have time to process? Some people know exactly what they’re going to say, but many need more time. So, the first strategy I’m going to talk about is wait time.

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#1. Wait Time

Wait time is when, after you ask a question, you give the person space to respond. In my head, I often count to myself, just to ensure that I’m giving enough time. Let’s say I’m working with a student, and I ask:
“So, what is planning to you? Why is it important to you?”
A lot of times, the answer is “I don’t know,” and that’s a great way to get the person to stall. But I don’t want that to be the final answer. When they say “I don’t know,” I’ll respond:
“That’s okay. Take your time, think about it. I’ll be right here, just listening.”

I might even look away so there’s no pressure, and then I’ll look back and say, “Take your time, just think about it.” I don’t let the “I don’t know” be the end of the conversation. I give them space to actually think and reflect, and sometimes they’ll say something after 3 seconds, 10 seconds, or even longer.

Now, if they still don’t know, that’s fine. At least we gave them the chance to process. Wait time helps us avoid rushing people into answers too quickly. We often expect responses too fast, which doesn’t give people enough time to think and articulate their thoughts.

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#2. Pre-Conversations

The second strategy is pre-conversations. This is when you circle back to an original conversation or topic. For example, let’s say I’m going to work with you on something related to executive function, and you’re not sure what you want to focus on. I could say:
“Look, why don’t you think about this for a few minutes? I’m going to come back and ask you the same question, but I want you to have an answer by then.”

For students who keep saying “I don’t know,” give them time. Let them think it over. A pre-conversation is a way of giving them space while setting a commitment to return and revisit the topic. This allows them to gather their thoughts and gives them the time they need to process.

You could even say:
“Why don’t you think about this overnight? I’ll check back with you tomorrow.”

Make sure to fulfill your commitment and revisit the conversation when you said you would. This strategy is all about giving someone the time to process their thoughts without the pressure to answer right away.

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#3. False Choice

The third strategy is called a false choice. Let’s say you’ve used some wait time and pre-conversations, but you’re still not getting anywhere, and the person is stuck. At this point, you might use a false choice.

For example, let’s say we’re working on estimating time, and the student is struggling. They have time blindness and don’t know how to estimate how long things will take. You might ask:
“How long do you think this assignment will take?”
They might respond with, “I don’t know.”

After using wait time, I might give a false choice:
“Okay, well, do you think it’ll take 10, 20, or 30 minutes?”
This gives them an anchor—three choices to start the process. It’s a false choice because the answer could be anything, but you give them a limited set of options to choose from.

A false choice is a way to scaffold the process. It helps the person explore the issue and get started, even if they don’t know exactly what the answer is.

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#4. Making a Script

The fourth strategy is making a script. This might sound silly, but you don’t have to write out a whole script. The idea is to jot down a few key things you want to remember.

When you’re working with someone and trying to give them space, it can be helpful to have a script to guide you. You might want to say something like:
“Go ahead and take a minute to think about it. I’m listening.”
Or:
“Let’s talk about this tomorrow. Does that work for you?”

A simple script helps you stay focused on holding space for the other person, ensuring you give them enough time and attention.

You don’t have to follow the script word for word, but having something prepared can be really powerful. It shows that you’ve taken the time to think about how to best support the other person.

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Conclusion
My name is Seth Perler, and I’m an executive function coach. I help struggling students navigate education so they can have a great life. If you liked this video, I’m interested to hear what you have to say, especially from introverts.

If you’re an introvert, comment below: What makes you feel heard? What do you appreciate that allows you to feel heard? Let us know in the comments. Also, share any strategies that work for you so we can help more people.

If you found this video helpful, give it a thumbs up, like, and subscribe. Share my work with others who might find it useful. You can find more resources on my website, SethPerler.com, where I have freebies for parents, teachers, and students.

My number one wish for you today is that you find peace of mind and that you connect with people you care about. Take care, and have a great day!