Pattern of LYING? What to do about it?

Hey, what’s up everybody? This is Seth Perler, an executive function coach based out of Boulder, Colorado.

In this video, I’m going to talk about a question many parents and teachers have:

If your child tends to lie a lot—what does that mean, and what can you do about it?

This applies to kids in elementary school, middle school, high school, or even college.

If your child tends to lie directly to your face and you’re concerned, I’ve got 10 insights about why kids lie and 8 ideas for solutions.

I also received an email that inspired this topic. A viewer said:

“I’m noticing a pattern of lying in the students I work with, and colleagues are experiencing it as well. Even with my stepson, it’s a challenging situation. Lying seems to suggest a lack of skills, or maybe lack of self-awareness, or fear of consequences. How do we identify what skill needs to be built? How can we, as educators and parents, hold space for learning and change while also dealing with our own disappointment?”

Great question.

First, let’s talk about what might be going on.

I think it’s partly true that lying can come from a lack of skills—but it’s more complex than that.

A big part of it is that kids are struggling to do what we are asking them to do.

We’re asking them to write papers, organize homework, manage backpacks, complete chores, and handle responsibilities. Over time, we’ve increased expectations significantly.

At the same time, our culture often defines success in terms of productivity. So kids who struggle with executive function are at a disadvantage.

They are often trying very hard—but it doesn’t always look like it, and their effort isn’t always recognized. Many feel like no one sees how hard they are trying.

Now, let’s talk about what’s underneath the behavior.

We often see only the “tip of the iceberg”—lying, missing assignments, D’s and F’s, incomplete work, disorganization.

But underneath the surface are deeper causes.

For example, some kids have sensory processing differences. They may be overwhelmed by noise, visual input, or other sensory information. Their brains are working differently, which makes focus and organization much harder.

We don’t always see this, but it strongly affects their ability to execute tasks.

Now, I want to share something personal.

I used to lie a lot as a kid.

I remember one time in kindergarten when I got into trouble for putting a pencil under another student’s seat. When I was asked about it, I lied directly to the principal’s face. I said someone else did it.

And I got away with it.

That experience taught me something powerful as a child: lying could “work.”

Over time, it became a habit. I used lying as a way to avoid consequences or discomfort. It continued until my early twenties.

Eventually, I realized I was lying even when I didn’t need to. It had become automatic.

Now, here are 10 insights about why kids lie:

1. It’s usually not a moral issue. It’s often a nervous system response to feeling threatened.

2. The child feels threatened or unsafe, even if the situation seems small to us.

3. There is often pressure for an immediate answer, and the child hasn’t had time to think.

4. Lying can be a form of avoidance when a task feels overwhelming or unclear.

5. Kids may feel beaten down or discouraged, especially after repeated struggles.

6. Sometimes there is a thrill or excitement in getting away with something.

7. They may simply not know what to say in the moment.

8. The task itself may not be engaging, or they may lack the skills to complete it.

9. There may be lack of secure attachment or emotional safety, making honesty feel risky.

10. It can become a habit over time.

Now, here are 8 solutions:

1. Build a secure, trusting relationship. This is the foundation.

2. Help kids become aware of their body and emotional reactions (somatic awareness).

3. Set up conversations carefully—don’t ambush them. Let them know they are safe before asking questions.

4. Help them develop awareness of when and how they are lying, without shame.

5. Help them explore why they might be lying, often linked to fear or overwhelm.

6. Practice patience. Give them time to think and respond.

7. Have honest heart-to-heart conversations without judgment or emotional reactions.

8. Remove shame from the process entirely. Shame only increases lying and defensiveness.

The key takeaway is this:

If we want kids to be more honest, they need to feel safe.

Shame, pressure, and punishment often make honesty worse. Safety, patience, and understanding make honesty more possible over time.

We are not aiming for perfect honesty overnight. We are helping kids gradually build trust and communication skills.

Again, my name is Seth Perler, an executive function coach based in Boulder, Colorado.

If you found this helpful, feel free to subscribe or leave a comment. I’d love to hear your experiences with lying—why you think it happens and what has helped.

Take care.