School closure? Opportunity for building relationship and more

Hey parents, what’s up?

This is Seth Perler from SethPerler.com. I’m an executive function coach in Colorado, and I help struggling students navigate this thing called school.

At the time of this video, a lot of people are very concerned about getting sick. Schools are closing, students are staying home, and this is dramatically changing daily life, routines, habits, and patterns. It has already disrupted almost everybody.

But I want to talk about something important here — an opportunity that exists during this moment.

Basically, this is an opportunity to build the relationship with your child.

You’re going to have to navigate school differently. You may have to navigate online classes, increased resistance, procrastination, excuses, distractions, phones nearby, multiple browser tabs open, and all sorts of challenges — especially if your student struggles with executive function.

That’s going to be difficult.

But where the real opportunity exists is in relationship-building.

One thing that is extremely important to me as an executive function coach — and central to my methodology — is this:

The relationship is the number one thing.

I say this at the beginning and end of every presentation I give. Everything starts with relationship, and everything ends with relationship.

Even in school, if your child has a strong relationship with a teacher in a subject they don’t enjoy, they are much more likely to work for that teacher because they feel safe and understood.

One thing that has had a massive impact on how I communicate with parents and students is something called attachment theory.

You can research attachment theory on your own. There are many phenomenal researchers and theorists who discuss it. Most of what you’ll find online relates to couples, but the principles apply broadly to relationships.

According to attachment theory, there are two broad categories of attachment: secure and insecure.

A secure relationship feels safe. Think about one of your closest friends. They listen to you, understand you, support you, and make you feel emotionally safe. You feel like they have your back.

An insecure relationship feels different. It may feel unsafe, disconnected, dismissive, or uncomfortable. You may feel unheard, misunderstood, or emotionally disconnected from that person.

There are generally two types of insecure attachment:

* Avoidant attachment — where someone avoids connection, shuts down emotionally, or disconnects.
* Anxious attachment — where someone becomes overly preoccupied with the relationship, clingy, needy, or overwhelmed.

Attachment theory doesn’t label these as “bad.” It simply helps us understand patterns of relating. Ideally, we all work toward building more secure attachments in our lives because secure relationships help us feel emotionally and physically safe.

So back to the point of this video.

All families have some level of dysfunction, insecurity, or emotional patterns. We all have anxious or avoidant tendencies sometimes.

But this moment gives you an opportunity to invest in secure attachment with your child.

Think of it like investing money into retirement — you slowly build something valuable over time.

Right now, nearly everyone is anxious to some degree. Grocery stores feel stressful. Supplies feel uncertain. People feel nervous around one another. There is a lot of fear and uncertainty.

And your child is looking to you — the parent, the primary caregiver — to model how to navigate this situation.

No matter where you personally fall on the spectrum of anxiety or calmness, you have an opportunity here.

You can use this time to build security and connection with your child.

That means hearing them, listening to them, and holding space for them — without immediately trying to fix, rescue, rationalize, or convince them that they shouldn’t feel the way they feel.

If you tend to interrupt, rescue, or jump in with logic too quickly, this is an opportunity to practice something different.

Ask yourself:

“Is the way I communicate helping my child feel safe and secure?”

If it is, what are you doing well?
If it’s not, what could you change?

This is a great time to practice reflective listening.

Reflective listening means that instead of trying to change your child’s feelings, you simply hear and reflect back what they are saying.

For example, your child shares something difficult, and instead of immediately offering advice, you say:

“Wow, I hear you saying that you’re really worried about this. Is that right?”

Then you allow them to clarify.

You mirror their thoughts back to them instead of trying to immediately fix the situation.

Parents naturally want to jump in with logic:
“Oh, just look at it this way.”
“Don’t worry.”
“It’s not that bad.”

But often what children hear is:
“My parent isn’t really listening to me.”

Your child’s feelings may not seem rational or mature to you, but that’s okay.

You do not have to immediately change how they feel.

Often, when our attempts to convince them aren’t working, we simply try harder — more logic, more lecturing, more convincing. But if it’s not working, maybe it’s time to try something different.

Reflective listening creates emotional safety.

It allows your child to explore their own thoughts and feelings and eventually develop tools to challenge their own narratives and reactions in healthier ways.

This process takes time, especially if your family hasn’t communicated this way before.

But this is an incredible opportunity to examine where your child feels seen, heard, understood, and supported — and where they don’t.

Remember:

Your child’s nervous system is watching your nervous system.

Even if they don’t say it out loud, they are constantly observing how you handle stress and uncertainty.

If your nervous system is highly dysregulated, anxious, reactive, or panicked, that signals to them that things are unsafe.

They may respond by becoming more anxious, shutting down, avoiding, or emotionally withdrawing.

But we also have the opportunity to model emotional regulation.

For example, instead of reacting unconsciously, you can say:

“Wow, I’m noticing that I feel anxious right now.”

You can talk openly and calmly about your feelings without becoming consumed by them.

This teaches your child that emotions can be observed, processed, and worked through — not just reacted to automatically.

If you’ve ever practiced mindfulness or meditation, you may have heard the idea of “the observer” — the ability to notice thoughts and emotions objectively without immediately becoming controlled by them.

The more we can model that for our children, the more secure they feel.

Otherwise, if we instantly react to every anxious thought or feeling, we teach children that emotions control us completely.

And that can feel very unsafe.

This difficult period is also an opportunity for attunement — noticing and responding to what is happening in your child emotionally and physically.

Instead of saying:
“Don’t feel that way.”
“Stop worrying.”

You can say:
“I hear you.”
“I’m here.”
“We’ll work through this together.”

Your child wants to know:
“My parent has my back.”

They want to feel that home is a safe place where they can express themselves, process emotions, and not have to be perfect.

At the same time, there is also a healthy place for compartmentalizing difficult conversations.

For example, right before bedtime may not be the best time for heavy discussions.

You can say:
“Let’s pause this conversation for tonight. Everybody is safe right now. We’ll revisit this tomorrow.”

Then focus on calming activities — gratitude, mindfulness, connection, or simply winding down together.

End the day in a more regulated emotional state.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful.

Again, my name is Seth Perler from SethPerler.com. Please explore my website and share my work if it helps you. If you’re watching this on YouTube, giving it a thumbs up helps more people find these resources.

I’m navigating my own emotions and challenges around all of this too. This is a difficult time for everybody.

My hope for you is that you stay safe and healthy — and that even during this challenging season, you find opportunities to build connection, strengthen relationships, and plant seeds that will positively impact your family for years to come.

Take it easy. I’ll see you soon.