🧠 Adults who cause more harm and ignore strengths (Executive Function, ADHD, Neurodivergence)

Hey, what’s up? It’s me, Seth with SethPerler.com. I wear a lot of hats in the ADHD, executive function, neurodiversity, and ASD worlds.

I got an email that said: “What would you, Seth, want to hear from people in your life who were harmful, contributed to more harm, and didn’t see your strengths?”

Great question. I love it—I did not see that one coming. Thank you for sending it in.

As a child with undiagnosed ADHD and executive function challenges—more than you can imagine—I struggled a lot. I went to college because I thought I was supposed to, but I was put on probation right away. I had to go to summer school just to get in, then I failed out. I went to another college (I don’t know why—I wasn’t ready), and I either failed out or dropped out before failing. I almost failed out of high school too.

I felt like a lazy failure.

When I read this question, I immediately thought of one particular teacher. I won’t say their name, but they came to mind right away.

The question mentions “causing more harm and not seeing the strengths.” I remember trying to do my schoolwork—or maybe daydreaming (I did that a lot), or chatting because I couldn’t focus—and constantly feeling blindsided by this teacher. I felt like I was being caught doing something bad, but I didn’t understand what I did wrong.

I internalized it. I thought, “I must be bad.”

This happened over and over throughout the school year. She would say something to me, and I’d be shocked every time. I never saw it coming. I was naive and assumed she was on my side. But I kept thinking, “What did I do this time?” I could do no right.

What’s interesting is that I’ve seen this pattern many times. I was a teacher for 12 years, and I’ve seen teachers who have contempt for certain kids. They have favorites. And often, kids with executive function challenges are easy targets.

These kids don’t fit in the box. They don’t conform. They don’t comply. They don’t yet have the skills being asked of them. And instead of being supported, they’re punished—with contempt, condescension, and emotionally harmful comments.

Often, this comes from people with strong executive function skills—people for whom these things come easily. They don’t understand what these struggles feel like. They know how to organize, plan, prioritize, and do what they’re told.

I think many of these teachers learned growing up that they are valuable when they comply and do things “the right way.”

And to be clear, I’m not generalizing all teachers. There are incredibly compassionate, warm, and empathetic teachers who are amazing with kids with executive function challenges.

But in my experience working with many families, the teachers who show contempt are often those with very strong executive function skills. Most of my students have at least one or two teachers like this every year.

This often starts around third grade, gets worse in fifth, and continues through middle school. Interestingly, it tends to decrease in college because of how college is structured.

So, back to the question:

What would I want to hear from those people?

First, I’d want to hear that they understand why they got into teaching, coaching, or parenting in the first place—to help kids. I’d want them to recognize that they lost sight of that. That they got bogged down by the job or their own conditioning about how things “should” be.

I’d want to hear something like:
“Seth, I lost sight of why I was there—which was to serve you. Not for you to serve me and comply, but for me to serve you and help you have meaningful learning experiences.”

I’d want to hear that they returned to their original mission—the one their heart intended.

Second, I wouldn’t necessarily want an apology. It doesn’t really change anything.

Instead, I’d want to hear that they are now doing everything they can to love the people in their lives—to be compassionate, empathetic, warm, caring, generous, and service-oriented.

And finally, regarding “not seeing strengths”—I would love to hear that they did see something in me.

Something like:
“You know what, Seth? I noticed you were really good at this,”
or
“I appreciated the way you approached things,”
or
“You had something special in how you interacted with others.”

I’d want to feel seen.

Even talking about this now, I can feel it physically—that desire to be seen and understood. We all want that. It’s so simple, but it’s not easy in a fear-based world.

Those are the things I would want to hear.

Again, my name is Seth Perler with SethPerler.com. I do this as a service, for free. If you found this helpful, share it with someone—just copy the URL and send it. You can also like the video or leave a comment.

What would you want to hear from someone who didn’t really see you as a kid?

The more you share, the more we all realize we’re not alone, and none of us has it all figured out.

You can find me at SethPerler.com for free resources, or check out the Executive Function Summit if you’re a parent or teacher. You can also join my community.

Take care. Wishing you peace in your heart, joy, and connection with the people you care about—especially the kids in your life.