🧠 How to help ADHD teen with imposter syndrome?

Hey parents and teachers,

In this video, I’m going to respond to Christian’s question. The question is: how do you address imposter syndrome with a teenager who’s finally finding some success, but doesn’t feel like they belong? It’s rooted in thoughts like, “I didn’t study the right way,” or “Everyone else studies differently—the kids who don’t have ADHD—and I didn’t do it that way.”

So what is that?

Parents and teachers, my name is Seth Perler. I have a summit called TEFOS—the Executive Function Online Summit—for compassionate and proactive parents, teachers, and therapists. The summit is coming up, so if you haven’t checked it out, go ahead and sign up—there’s a link below. I also have a site called sethperler.com, and I’m an executive function coach. I work in the executive function, neurodiversity, ADHD, and 2e worlds.

Let’s start here.

For this teenager with imposter syndrome—what is imposter syndrome? When we have imposter syndrome (and we all do—you’ve had it, I’ve had it, every human has), it’s when we compare our insides to everyone else’s outsides. We feel like we don’t know what we’re doing, like we’re faking it, and that eventually people are going to find out.

But the truth is, nobody has it all figured out. Nobody knows exactly what they’re doing—we’re all just doing the best we can. Some people have more experience and have gained confidence because they’ve tried. It’s not that they were confident first and then tried—it’s that they tried, walked through fear, and built confidence along the way. That’s how we grow in any area.

I would suggest the same thing with a student.

They might feel like they don’t belong. They may think, “I don’t have a lot of experience being successful in school or studying. I see all these other kids doing it a certain way.” So they compare their insides to others’ outsides and assume those kids are following some “magic rulebook” they never got. Then fear kicks in: “What if people find out I’m not doing it right? What if I’m not good enough?”

This leads to all kinds of inner critic dialogue—things we all go through.

So the parent is asking: how do I address this?

For me, it can help to normalize that nobody has everything figured out—not teachers, bosses, parents, or politicians. We’re all just doing our best. That realization alone can be relieving.

Now, I want to share one thing not to do, and one thing to do.

What not to do: don’t try to fix it.

When working with students, I try not to fix them, enable them, or solve things for them. They need agency. They need practice. They need experience.

But what do we tend to do as adults? We want to fix it. We don’t want to see them suffer. We see their success, we know they’re learning, and we want to convince them of that. So we lecture, use logic, and try to prove they’re doing fine.

That’s not our intention—but that’s what often happens.

And I don’t start there.

Why? Because it doesn’t help.

When you go into that kind of dialogue, it becomes:
“Yeah, but…”
“Well, you’ve got to understand…”
“Yeah, but…”

It turns into a back-and-forth with no real connection. The student is stuck in a loop of thoughts, narratives, limiting beliefs, and emotional responses. They’re not in a place where logic will land.

So I don’t try to fix it.

What I do instead is use reflective listening.

When they’re sharing, and I feel the urge to say, “But you’re doing great,” I pause. That might come later—but not at the start.

Instead, I say:
“Wow, that sounds really tough.”
“Tell me more.”
“What’s that like for you?”
“What does that feel like in your body?”

I get curious. I stay present. I listen the way I’d want someone to listen to me.

This helps them feel seen, heard, and understood—which is essential for connection.

Now, if you’re taking notes, here’s a key phrase I often use:
“Wow, that sounds really hard. What are you going to do to solve that problem?”

That’s very different from fixing it for them.

I’m not giving advice or telling them what to think—I’m inviting them to think. They may have ideas, or they may not. If they don’t, my instinct might be to jump in—but I hold back.

I might say:
“Take your time. Think about it.”
“Do you want to talk about it later?”
“Do you want my thoughts, or do you want to keep thinking?”

They need agency. They need to know we believe in them.

And honestly—kids often have great ideas. Even if I think something won’t work, I don’t shut it down. I say:
“Cool—tell me how that would work.”

Let them discover what works and what doesn’t.

Often, they’ll realize it themselves.

After that, I might ask:
“How can I help?”

Not “Here’s how I’m going to help,” but “How can I be helpful?”

They might say, “Don’t do anything,” or they might ask for support. It depends on trust. But when they know your help isn’t overwhelming or controlling, they’ll start asking for it.

So again:
“What are you going to do to solve that problem?”
“How can I help?”

Now, we do want to build on their successes.

This student is actually in a great place—but it’s also a scary place. Success can feel uncomfortable if it’s new. That discomfort is normal.

So it’s important to hold space:
“Tell me what that’s like.”

And we can also build reflection (metacognition), which is key in executive function:
“What has been working for you?”

They might say:
“When I study this way, it works.”

And you can reinforce that:
“That’s a great strategy. I love that.”

Their way of studying might be different—and that’s okay. In fact, unconventional methods often work better.

I also like helping students see how interesting and unique their brain is—especially in the case of ADHD. There are real strengths there.

So those are a few things I wanted to share.

My name is Seth Perler with TEFOS—the Executive Function Online Summit. You can check it out at executivefunctionsummit.com. It’s a free summit for parents, teachers, and therapists. You can also visit sethperler.com.

If you like what I’m doing, give it a thumbs up, share it, and leave a comment.

If you have a child with imposter syndrome—who’s starting to succeed but feels like they don’t belong—what ideas do you have?

Again, my main ideas are:
Don’t fix it.
Use reflective listening.
Help them come up with solutions—unless they ask for help.

Really listen. Hold space.

I want to wish you peace in your heart, joy in your life, and connection with the people around you—especially the kids in your life.

Have a fantastic day, and take care.