🧠 Relationships & how ADHD and Executive Function can impact them

Let’s talk a little bit about the relationship between relationship problems, executive function challenges, and ADHD. This is a really legitimate topic. I recently had a college student ask me about some of this, and I think there’s a real need to talk about it openly.

When we think about executive function challenges—legitimate ones like ADHD—and what’s happening in the brain, there are real impacts when these challenges are not treated or addressed. People can experience issues with health, jobs and careers, injuries, legal problems, family conflict, relationships, and more. But today, we’re focusing specifically on relationships.

If you look at the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) and how ADHD is described and diagnosed, you’ll see symptoms that clearly affect relationships. Think about this whether you have ADHD or executive function challenges yourself, or whether you’re a parent, teacher, or someone supporting a child, teenager, or young adult with these challenges.

Let’s consider some of the traits listed in the DSM and how they impact relationships. One example is difficulty paying attention to details. Imagine having a conversation with someone who isn’t paying attention—how does that feel? Sustained attention is another issue. Being distracted during conversations can make it seem like you’re not listening, whether you’re talking to a friend, partner, coworker, or even a stranger.

Follow-through is another major challenge. When we say we’re going to do something and then don’t follow through, it can damage trust in relationships. Difficulty organizing tasks or activities also plays a role. Many of us want to plan things, meet up, and spend time with others, but we may struggle to make it happen.

We might also lose things. Imagine losing something that doesn’t belong to you—you intended to return it, but you can’t find it. That can create tension. Being fidgety or constantly moving can also make others feel like you’re not paying attention.

Excessive talking is another factor. I know this is something I’m good at. But when you talk too much without listening or slowing down, it affects communication. We may also interrupt frequently or act impulsively.

All of these are things the DSM points to, and you can hopefully see how they can seriously impact relationships. Many of us have harmed or even lost relationships with people we care about. Sometimes they fade away because we struggle to maintain them. We may unintentionally push people away or create distance.

So if we don’t want that, we need solutions.

What I’m going to suggest requires something important first: rapport. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or coach, having a good connection and a regulated emotional state is essential. Without rapport, what I’m about to explain can come across as condescending or disrespectful. I only use this approach when there’s already trust and connection.

When I’m working with a student I know well, I might say something like: “Hey, I’m going to say something important right now. Are you with me?”

If we’re in a coaching session and I want to make sure they really hear something important, I use what I call a “pre-conversation.” It doesn’t matter what you call it—many people use similar strategies. The key is to pause and check in.

I ask, “Are you with me?” This helps bring their attention to the moment. If they’re not ready, I pause and give them time: “Tell me when you’re ready to listen. This is important.”

Then I might say, “How do I know you’re with me?” This is a powerful question. They might not be making eye contact, or they might look engaged but actually be daydreaming (which I’ve done many times myself). This question helps increase their self-awareness, metacognition, and reflection—all key parts of executive function.

Once we establish that, I give them time and space. Even though I may speak quickly in a video, in real conversations I slow down. The person needs to feel seen, heard, and connected. It has to be a two-way interaction.

Then I say something like, “I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to repeat it back to me in your own words.” This helps ensure they’re actively listening and processing. It also allows me to check understanding using a form of reflective listening. If needed, I can clarify or go deeper.

That’s what I wanted to share today.

If you’re not familiar with me, my name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach, and I’ve been doing this work for a long time—since before it was widely recognized. Now there are many amazing people doing great work in this field.

If you found this helpful, feel free to like, comment, or share. I’d love to hear from you: if you have ADHD or executive function challenges—or if you support someone who does—what strategies work for you? What helps improve relationships?

Relationships are the essence of life. They’re where the magic happens.

If you have ideas, share them. And if you’d like more resources, you can visit SethPro.com and find more content there.

Have a fantastic day. I wish you peace in your heart, joy in your life, and most of all, meaningful connection with the people you care about—especially the kids in your life.

Take care.