🟣Executive Function at home webinar (umm, awesome)

Your help has clearly been invaluable in this. Welcome, everybody. We’re going to get started. Thank you so much for joining us.

We’re super excited to have Seth here with us tonight. Just a very brief introduction again — many of you have been following Seth’s work with us for a long time on a personal level with your families.

Shift Your Thinking is a charity that supports families, kids, and teachers working with children who have learning disabilities, ADHD, dyslexia, and mental health challenges such as anxiety. We do this through our online programs and our annual summit hosted in Toronto.

We’re so appreciative of Seth being here tonight. Honestly, your generosity and dedication to helping families — especially during this time — has been remarkable. Your calendars, resources, and suggestions for teachers have been incredible.

For those who don’t know Seth, he was a teacher and is now an executive functioning coach. He helps parents, teachers, and kids with practical and honest advice about executive functioning. He also has an amazing blog, YouTube channel, and tons of resources online.

I don’t know if there’s anything else you want to add, Seth.

“I like complicated kids and helping them figure out how to have a good life.”

And you do that for so many families, so we’re very appreciative.

We also want to thank everyone who donated to help us continue supporting families. There are so many worthy causes and organizations out there, so thank you again for your generosity.

We have a few questions for Seth tonight, and we’ll focus on some key topics. If you’d like to ask questions, please use the Zoom chat and I’ll pass them along to Seth.

I’ll hand it over to you, Seth. Or would you like me to start with a question?

I think one thing many of our members have been talking about is motivation, especially now that so many people are at home with their kids. Families are struggling with getting kids started on the work that’s in front of them.

Do you want me to give you the list of specific concerns, or would you rather just jump in?

“Let’s go with that.”

Okay.

Motivation is a fantastic topic.

I’ll start with some of the things I used to say before all of this happened, and then I’ll talk about what I’m saying now.

Executive function is about getting things done. You want your child to have a good life, grow up, get a good education, and ideally be motivated to do the things school asks of them so they can build skills for life.

The problem is that people aren’t motivated to do things they’re not motivated to do. And when someone struggles with executive function, motivation becomes much harder.

Let me break motivation down a bit.

We use words like:

* motivated
* unmotivated
* lazy
* procrastinating
* lacking discipline

People tell kids:
“You just need to be more motivated.”
“You need more discipline.”

But “lazy” is a very shaming word. It cuts deep.

Procrastination is often just another word for difficulty with task initiation or self-starting, which are executive function challenges.

So when we talk about motivation, we’re really talking about taking action versus not taking action.

Kids who struggle with executive function are often very good at arguing, making excuses, avoiding tasks, and not executing. Adults then wonder:
“How do we motivate them?”

As a coach, I almost never use the word “motivation.” Telling someone to “be more motivated” doesn’t actually create motivation.

It may create temporary action through punishment, rewards, fear, or pressure, but it doesn’t create genuine internal motivation.

So my question becomes:
How do we help kids learn to do what needs to be done even when they don’t feel motivated?

Because if we sit around waiting for motivation, it’s usually not coming.

How do we help them develop the skills to override resistance and do what needs to be done for their long-term well-being?

Instant gratification says:
“Play video games.”
“Watch TV.”
“Hang out with friends.”

But long-term goals require different actions.

And when you have a teenage brain that struggles with executive function and doesn’t naturally think long-term, this becomes even harder.

So how do we help?

The first thing we need to understand is that resistance is emotional.

When a child resists starting work, they are feeling something uncomfortable in their body.

Imagine someone asking you to eat a food you absolutely hate. They try to convince you logically:
“It’s healthy.”
“You’ll like it.”
“It’s good for you.”

That logic probably won’t change how you feel.

Parents often use logic and reasoning:
“It’ll be easier if you just do it.”
“Just try it.”
“You’ll feel better once it’s done.”

But kids are still not motivated.

Why?

Because emotionally, the task feels overwhelming.

They’re thinking:
“I don’t know where to start.”
“I don’t know how long this will take.”
“I don’t know if I can do it.”
“This feels bad.”
“This feels pointless.”
“I don’t see how this helps my life.”

So we have to deal with the emotional experience first.

One of the hardest things for parents is realizing how long this process takes.

I work with kids for at least a semester. And honestly, kids often listen better to someone outside the family than to their parents.

That’s why I encourage parents to use mentors, tutors, older students, relatives, coaches — anyone positive the child connects with.

So how do we make tasks feel less overwhelming?

The first thing has nothing to do with the task itself.

It starts with connection.

Attunement.

Noticing the child emotionally.

For example, I was working with a student earlier today. His dad made a comment about his writing, and the kid immediately dropped his head.

I stopped and said:
“Hey, I noticed you put your head down. Why did you do that?”

That’s attunement.

The first step is helping the child feel emotionally regulated and safe.

Then we move to the task.

And this is where buy-in becomes important.

I’ll ask:
“What do you need to feel ready to do this?”

Then we chunk things down.

Chunk it down.
Chunk it down.
Chunk it down.

The problem is overwhelm, so we must make the task feel small.

Sometimes I use false choices.

For example:
“Do you want to do 3 math problems, 5 problems, or 10 problems?”

The child feels ownership, but all the options still move them forward.

For another student, I might say:
“Do you want to work for 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or 15 minutes?”

There are two ways to chunk tasks:

* by time
* by task

Chunking by time:
“Work on this for 5 minutes.”

Chunking by task:
“Do one paragraph.”
“Do three problems.”
“Write one sentence.”

We are not trying to get them to finish the whole assignment immediately.

We are trying to get them started.

That’s the win.

Many of these kids genuinely don’t know where to start. Parents with strong executive function often think linearly:
“Step one, then step two, then step three.”

But these kids often think globally, creatively, and non-linearly.

That’s why scaffolding helps.

You can:

* sketch out a paper outline
* demonstrate one math problem
* organize the assignment visually
* create templates

This isn’t cheating.
This is support.

Motivation also becomes harder because kids have lost structure.

Their routines disappeared overnight.

Teachers often don’t realize how confusing everything is for families.

Parents are overwhelmed trying to figure out:

* which portal to use
* which teacher updates where
* which links work
* which passwords are needed
* when assignments are due

So parents need clarity.

Keep emails short and clear:
“We need clarity.”

Then use bullet points:

* Where do we find assignments?
* Which days are updates posted?
* Which portal do we check?
* Are late assignments accepted?

Teachers are not mind readers. They often don’t realize families are confused.

Another important thing:
The sooner families create structure and visual schedules with their kids, the better.

Even if the child resists.

The schedule doesn’t need to be perfect.

But having some structure is better than complete chaos.

The longer you wait, the harder things become.

Later in the discussion, someone asked about sustaining attention.

Getting started is one challenge.
Staying focused is another.

Executive function includes:

* task initiation
* task persistence
* task completion

Many kids struggle with persistence.

To improve focus, we have to reduce distractions.

I talk a lot about creating a “sacred study space” — a space optimized for focus and designed to minimize distractions.

This includes:

* lighting
* noise
* music
* technology
* physical setup

Every child is different, but the goal is the same:
maximize focus and minimize distraction.

Sometimes co-working helps.

You sit nearby and work on your own task while they work on theirs.

There’s accountability without constant pressure.

Timers also help:
“Let’s focus for just 3 minutes.”

Often, once the child gets into motion, they continue longer than expected.

Another key strategy is what I call the “3-to-1 Rule.”

For every correction or criticism, give at least three positive observations.

Notice effort.

Notice tiny improvements.

Kids who struggle with executive function often feel like nobody notices how hard they’re trying.

So when you see even a small win, say:
“I noticed you stayed focused longer today.”
“I noticed you pushed through that.”
“That was hard, and you kept going.”

Then move on.

No lecture.
No “See? I told you so.”

Just notice it.

The relationship is the foundation of everything.

Always.

One parent asked about perfectionism.

Perfectionism is deeply emotional.

Many perfectionistic kids feel:
“I’m not good enough.”
“If this isn’t perfect, I’m a failure.”

For some kids, perfectionism becomes avoidance:
“If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t start.”

These kids need emotional safety.

They need adults who celebrate effort and risk-taking, not just outcomes.

Another parent asked:
“What do we do if our child is already far behind?”

First:
Communicate honestly with teachers.

Tell them:
“Our child legitimately does not yet have the executive functioning skills to manage all of this independently.”

Ask teachers to:

* chunk assignments
* reduce workload
* prioritize essential work
* help create manageable goals

Then help the child focus on one or two tasks at a time.

Not seventeen missing assignments.

One or two.

Parents can also temporarily take some organizational tasks off the child’s plate:

* printing assignments
* organizing tasks
* making short to-do lists

The child still does the work, but the overwhelm is reduced.

Someone else asked:
“What if I can’t even have a conversation with my teenager?”

That’s incredibly common.

I teach something called the “pre-conversation.”

Instead of suddenly launching into a difficult topic, prepare them ahead of time.

Say:
“Hey, later tonight I need to talk with you about school for about 10 minutes. I just want us to problem-solve together.”

This gives them time to emotionally prepare instead of immediately going into fight, flight, or freeze mode.

Start with reassurance:
“I love you.”
“I’m on your team.”
“I care about you.”

Then have the conversation calmly and briefly.

Finally, someone asked about gaming and screen time.

If your child is young enough and receptive enough, I would personally lean toward more structure, more limits, more movement, more exercise, and more offline activities.

But for older or highly resistant kids, this becomes more about relationship and buy-in.

Sometimes I literally ask students:
“Can I hide your phone for just 10 minutes while you work?”

Again:
small steps.

Emotional safety.
Buy-in.
Tiny wins.

This process takes time.

There are no quick fixes.

But kids can absolutely grow.

I know that because I was one of them.

I almost failed high school.
I dropped out of college twice.
Teachers called me lazy, unmotivated, distracted, and a daydreamer.

What changed my life wasn’t punishment.

It was relationships.

People who believed in me.
People who supported me.
People who helped me feel safe enough to take risks.

That’s what matters most.

The relationship is always the most important thing.

Thank you all for being here tonight.
Thank you to the teachers, therapists, counselors, administrators, tutors, and parents doing this work.

Kids need you.

Take care.