My child won’t take SOCIAL DISTANCING seriously!? Executive Function and Decision Making

Hey parents and teachers, what’s up?

This is SethPerler.com, and one of the biggest problems you’re probably experiencing right now is that your child wants to be with their friends.

So, I’m going to talk a little bit about this to help break it down for you and give you some ideas and solutions that may be helpful during this very difficult time.

My name is Seth. I’m an executive function coach based out of Colorado, and I help struggling students who struggle with executive function navigate this thing called education so they can have a great life.

One important aspect of executive function — whether your child struggles with it or not — is decision-making.

If you have an adolescent, part of their brain that is rapidly developing right now is the social part of the brain. Because of that, they often have a very strong desire to:

* Get away from parents
* Feel independent
* Feel mature
* Feel like adults

Even though they may not yet have the skills or wisdom needed to truly function independently as adults.

So naturally, they feel a very strong pull toward their friends.

Social connection is extremely important to them right now. Everything in their nervous system is basically screaming:

“Go hang out with your friends.”
“Go connect with people.”

And honestly, all of us want the same thing:
We want belonging.
We want connection.
We want to feel seen, heard, valued, loved, and important.

For many kids, their friend group is where they feel understood. They feel like they matter there.

And often, with parents, they may feel misunderstood. That’s not your fault. You’re doing the best you can.

Part of this is developmental. They are supposed to start wanting independence and separation from parents.

But because of executive function challenges, their decision-making isn’t always backed by wisdom or long-term thinking. They don’t yet fully understand what “adulting” actually requires.

So you’re probably going to face a lot of resistance around this issue.

The first thing I want to suggest is this:
It’s okay if the conversations are messy.

There are a few things you can do to make these conversations more productive.

First, be proactive.

Have what I call a “pre-conversation.”

Say something like:
“Hey, we need to talk.”
“We’re going to have a family conversation tonight.”
“We’ll sit down in about 10 minutes.”

Let them know what’s coming.

Why?

Because many students feel like their parents are constantly nagging or lecturing them. They don’t know how long the conversation will last, how stressful it will be, or what’s about to happen.

Giving them advance notice helps them mentally prepare — just like you would want time to mentally prepare for difficult conversations.

Second, go into the conversation prepared.

Have a small agenda.
Use a notepad or whiteboard if needed.
Know the key points you want to cover.

But then ask them:
“What do you want to talk about?”
“What feels important to you?”

The more buy-in and ownership they have in the process, the more likely they are to feel heard and emotionally safe.

Third — and this is huge — listen more than you think you should.

Parents often want to jump in immediately with logic, rational explanations, lectures, or attempts to “help their child see the light.”

But usually, that doesn’t work.

What often happens is that the child tries to communicate something, and the parent unintentionally shuts it down with:
“No, this is how it is.”
“This is the logical way to think about it.”

We already know that approach usually doesn’t work.

Instead, when you feel the impulse to respond immediately, pause.

Wait a few seconds.

See if they have more to say.

Then reflect back what you heard before giving your own opinion.

For example:
“So what I hear you saying is…”
“It sounds like you feel…”

This is called reflective listening or mirroring.

And it matters because you want your child to feel heard.

You may not agree with them. You may still need to set boundaries. But you can still take their concerns seriously.

I want to repeat that:
You do not have to agree with them in order for them to feel heard.

That distinction is really important.

As you continue the discussion, ask questions that involve them in the process:

* “How do you think we should structure our days?”
* “When do you think schoolwork should happen?”
* “What should you be doing to invest in your future?”
* “How should we handle responsibilities around the house?”

When the topic of seeing friends comes up, try to bring facts and science into the discussion collaboratively instead of simply dictating rules.

Help them feel included in the process.

Next, I strongly suggest putting structures around the upcoming weeks.

Create schedules.
Post them visually on the wall.
Use color-coding if possible.

Make expectations clear.

Talk through things like:

* Wake-up times
* Bedtimes
* Schoolwork
* Chores and responsibilities
* Family time
* Downtime
* Heavy conversations versus relaxed time together

And don’t assume they’ll automatically follow the schedule just because it exists.

Plan for resistance ahead of time.

For example:
“Tomorrow, schoolwork starts at noon. What if noon comes and you’re not ready? What support would actually help?”

Ask questions like:

* “What do you want me to say if you’re procrastinating?”
* “What usually happens when you resist?”
* “How can I support you without frustrating you?”
* “What do you need from me?”

Be honest about the fact that procrastination and resistance will probably happen.

The goal is not perfection.
The goal is collaboration and preparation.

And finally, try to involve them in practical family decisions too.

For example:

* “Where should we keep disinfecting wipes?”
* “What should we be cleaning regularly?”
* “What groceries should we get this week?”
* “What would help you feel safe?”

Again, the more buy-in, the better.

You can also watch videos together about social distancing and public health from credible sources so you’re learning together rather than simply enforcing rules from above.

I know this is a difficult time.

I hope this gives you at least a few ideas to work with.

I’ll see you in the next one.