Is ADHD Fake?

When One Parent Believes in ADHD and the Other Doesn’t

Parents, I recently heard another story about a family where one parent believes in ADHD and the other doesn’t.

This is actually a pretty tragic situation—and I’m not being dramatic when I say that.

What’s up? My name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach in Colorado, and I help struggling students navigate this thing called education so they can have a great life.

—

I’ve heard this story so many times.

One parent believes in ADHD, autism, Asperger’s, dyslexia, or another learning difference, and the other parent doesn’t.

One parent thinks:

> “The kid just needs to try harder.”
>
> “They need to work harder.”
>
> “They need to apply themselves more.”

And honestly, it’s really disturbing to me.

This isn’t a joke. We’re talking about a child’s life.

Sure, there’s a place for skepticism. Question things. Research things. But actually research them. Because if we fail to address a child’s needs, we can limit their future, their potential, and their opportunities.

If our ego is too fragile to be challenged, and we simply cling to our assumptions while the child continues to suffer, that’s a serious problem.

—

I do this work because I believe every human being deserves a real chance at having a great life.

I believe education should empower people with the tools they need to succeed.

And if a person cannot execute—if they cannot plan, organize, follow through, or manage themselves effectively—that becomes a major obstacle.

When I see adults who are deeply resistant to understanding what a child is experiencing, it concerns me because I’ve seen what happens when kids grow up without the support they need.

I’ve seen people struggle with:

* Mental health
* Self-confidence
* Careers
* Relationships
* Finances

I’ve seen them struggle over and over again.

And in many cases, some of that suffering could have been reduced if they had received the right support earlier.

That’s why this topic makes me emotional. It’s heartbreaking when kids fall through the cracks unnecessarily.

—

To be fair, I also want to have compassion for the person who is skeptical.

Sometimes it’s a spouse.

Sometimes it’s a grandparent.

Sometimes it’s another family member.

They may believe that the child simply needs to:

* Try harder
* Care more
* Be more disciplined
* Be more motivated
* Be more rigorous

The attitude is often:

> “I did it, so why can’t they?”

Skepticism is fine.

Ignorance is understandable.

But when a child is struggling, adults need to pause and ask:

> “What do we need to learn in order to help this child?”

Instead of putting on blinders and saying:

> “They just need to choose differently.”

—

The question isn’t:

> “Is ADHD fake?”

The better question is:

> “What skills does this child need in order to launch a happy, healthy, successful future?”

That’s the question that matters.

Forget the diagnosis for a moment if you want to.

What skills does this child need to learn so they can accomplish goals, complete meaningful tasks, and build a successful life?

—

There’s also the question of medication, but that’s outside the scope of this video.

What I do want to mention is the power of belief.

The placebo effect has been studied extensively.

Whether medication is used or not, belief matters.

But there’s a huge difference between believing:

> “You just need to try harder.”

and believing:

> “I believe in you.”
>
> “We can figure this out.”
>
> “You can learn these skills.”

That kind of belief is incredibly powerful.

—

Another important question is this:

If your spouse doesn’t believe ADHD is real, do they at least have the relationship skills necessary to have meaningful conversations about your child?

Can they engage in honest dialogue?

Can they listen?

Can they consider new information?

Unfortunately, sometimes the answer is no.

If they are unwilling to have those conversations, then the support your child receives may depend largely on you.

At that point, you have to decide:

> “What can I do, regardless of whether they agree?”

—

So what can you do?

1. Continue Advocating

Keep advocating for your child.

Continue trying to build understanding and support from your spouse, partner, or family member.

Their support matters.

Any healthy support system helps.

Children need secure, healthy relationships.

They need to feel:

* Seen
* Heard
* Understood
* Known

Healthy relationships are often the biggest game-changer in a child’s life.

2. Keep Learning

Learn everything you can about:

* ADHD
* Executive function
* Learning differences
* Co-occurring conditions (comorbidities)

The more informed you are, the better equipped you’ll be to help your child.

3. Focus on the Six Pillars

Children with executive function challenges need six key areas of support:

Systems

They need systems for:

* Planning
* Organizing
* Prioritizing
* Managing tasks
* Following through

Mindsets

They need empowering beliefs such as:

> “I can do this.”
>
> “I can figure it out.”
>
> “I can make progress even when I don’t feel like it.”

Habits and Routines

They need consistent:

* Study habits
* Sleep habits
* Daily routines
* Relationship habits

Emotional Regulation

They need skills that help them:

* Manage emotions
* Regulate their nervous system
* Build resilience
* Develop healthy attachment

Reflection and Introspection

They need opportunities to develop:

* Self-awareness
* Mindfulness
* Reflection
* Learning from mistakes

Relationships

Most importantly, they need healthy, securely attached relationships.

They need your support.

They need people who believe in them.

—

If you’re in a situation where one parent believes in ADHD and the other doesn’t, I don’t envy you.

It’s difficult.

But keep advocating.

Keep learning.

And keep focusing on the things that actually help children grow.

Support them with systems, mindsets, habits, emotional regulation, reflection, and strong relationships.

Those are the things that make a difference.

My name is Seth Perler.

If you found this helpful, please subscribe and share it with someone who might benefit.

And let me know in the comments:

What do you do when people think your child’s struggles are fake—or that they simply need to try harder?

Take care.