No buy-in or ownership of child

Hey parents and teachers, I hope you’re having a great day. I have a letter from a mom here that I thought I’d read to you. It says:

“Hi Seth, do you have any information or insight you can share on getting teens to take ownership or buy-in?”

Great, great question, because it’s a huge issue. Lack of motivation and procrastination often come down to buy-in and ownership.

She continues:

“I’m banging my head against the wall. I’ve tried countless tools and techniques to make life easier or better for my teenage daughter. The one thing that is missing is buy-in. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can continue to spend endless hours reading, researching, and searching for ideas that will benefit her, but until she has buy-in, it’s all for nothing. This is very frustrating, as life doesn’t have to be this challenging for her. Any information would be appreciated.”

Yes—so I have six ideas to help increase buy-in. First, I’ll give a bit of background to set the foundation.

None of this is easy. You’re facing an uphill battle. It’s hard, but I can tell you from experience: change does happen. You have to be patient, persistent, and diligent. With my clients, we do see change. So don’t stop and don’t give up. The brain can change, and habits can change—it’s just not easy.

First, let’s define buy-in and ownership.

Buy-in and ownership refer to a sense that a person is invested in something—that it means something to them. Ownership means they feel like they have a part in it.

For example, if I buy my child folders, binders, and notebooks and say, “Here you go, be grateful,” they have no ownership. They didn’t choose the colors or styles. They weren’t involved in the process. They may or may not appreciate it, but they don’t feel ownership.

Now compare that to this: before school shopping, I ask my child, “Do you want to feel more organized this year?” If they say yes, that’s the beginning of buy-in. Then I ask, “What do you think you need?” They might say, “I need good supplies.” Then I ask, “Where do you want to go?” and “What do you think will help you be successful?”

That’s buy-in—because they are involved in the process.

The problem is that we often ask kids to do things with no ownership and no buy-in. We tell them what classes to take, how long they last, who their teachers are, what books they use, what tests look like, and what projects they must complete. They have very little say in the process.

Why would they be interested?

Many schools operate this way, and it’s not rocket science—but it is a system problem. Curriculum is often top-down, designed by people far removed from the students, based on standards and testing systems that prioritize scores over engagement.

Let me explain four reasons why kids often don’t have buy-in:

1. Lack of future thinking.
Many teens, especially those with executive function challenges, are not good at thinking long-term. They don’t fully understand consequences or future benefits yet.

2. Lack of reward.
Schoolwork often isn’t meaningful, engaging, or interesting to them, so there’s no internal or external reward.

3. Negative emotional associations.
They may associate school with feeling “not good enough,” “lazy,” or “like I can’t do anything right.” Shame-based messages reduce motivation.

4. Overwhelm.
The amount of work is often too much. Kids are expected to manage physical, emotional, cognitive, and social demands all at once. When energy is exceeded, they go into overwhelm and fight-or-flight, which makes buy-in even harder.

Now, here are six ways to increase buy-in:

1. Discuss the future.
Have relaxed, ongoing conversations about their hopes, dreams, and goals. Talk about education as something that helps them “launch” into a successful future. The word education comes from the idea of bringing someone forward or raising them toward adulthood.

2. Be honest.
Sometimes school is boring or feels meaningless. Don’t pretend otherwise. Instead of arguing, acknowledge it: “Yeah, I get why that feels boring.”

3. Hold space.
Don’t immediately fix or lecture. Just listen. Be emotionally safe. Ask, “How can I support you?” instead of telling them what to do.

4. Reward them.
Notice effort and progress. Give sincere verbal encouragement. Use a “three positives to one correction” approach. Feeling seen and appreciated increases engagement.

5. Reduce overwhelm.
Look at emotional, cognitive, social, and physical load. Help simplify systems, provide structure, and reduce unnecessary stress.

6. Reinforce positive emotion.
End interactions on a positive note. Help them feel capable, supported, and understood.

This is a long, messy process. Be patient, persistent, and consistent. Over time, buy-in and engagement can improve.

Good luck—and if you found this helpful, share it with someone, subscribe on YouTube, and turn on notifications. Have a great day.