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A mom emailed me this:
Hi Seth, Do you have any information/insight you can share on getting teens to take ownership/buy-in?
I constantly bang my head against the wall as I try countless tools/techniques to make life easier/better for my teenage daughter. The one thing that is missing is the buy-in from her. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can continue to spend endless hours reading and searching for ideas that will benefit her but until I have her buy-in it’s all for not.
This is very frustrating as life doesn’t have to be this challenging for her. Any information would be appreciated.
Here are my insights and 6 ways to help.
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Hey parents and teachers. I hope you’re having a great day. I have a letter from a mom here at them going to be too and it says I slept you have any information or inside you can share on getting teens to take ownership or buying great great great question because it’s a huge issue lack the motivation procrastination things like that have everything to do with a buying an ownership of my head against the wall as I try countless tools and techniques to make life easier or better for my teenage daughter. The one thing that is missing is buying I’ve come to the conclusion that I can continue to spend endless hours reading research and searching for ideas that will benefit her. But until I ever buy in all for naught this is very frustrating as life doesn’t have to be this challenging for her. I feel you have any information would be appreciated it will I have six ways that I’m going to a 6 ideas. I’m going to give you for how to help increase buying and first I’m going to give you a little bit of background to set you up for those but none of this is easy and it’s not going to be I mean you you guys have an uphill battle when it’s hard. But what I can tell you is I’ve been doing this a long time and change happens. You have to be patient you have to be persistent and you have to be diligent. But with my clients we see change so don’t stop don’t give up. This is real. The brain can change and its habits can change. It’s just not easy. So first I want to Define buying an ownership. So buying an ownership refers to a sense that a person is bought into something that it means something to them ownership is just the same basic concept they take ownership because they have a part in it. They own part of it. So for example, if I have a child and I go and I buy them a bunch of folders in 3-ring binders and notebooks and stopping to come home and I say hey, here’s your notebooks there go you should be grateful. They don’t have any ownership. They didn’t get to choose the colors. They didn’t get to choose the styles. They don’t have any ownership of they didn’t they weren’t involved in the process. They don’t have any ownership in those items. They may or may not appreciate it. But if there’s ownership, they will have more of an appreciation by and of course is very similar by and would be that they have an interest in these things for using the same example, you might say to your child before you go shopping for school stuff. Hey, do you want to feel pretty organized this year? Yeah. Well if they say yeah, you’ve got a little bit of buying. Okay. What what what do you think you need and it might say well, I need some good supplies. And you say okay. Well, where do you want to go for supplies and they say I will I want to go to the Tapas tour you say? Okay. Well what kind of supplies you think would help you be successful and they say I owe this business that’s buying because they’re taking the ownership of it. They have buying now, when you go to the store there more invested problem is is we are asking these kids to do. Things with no ownership and no buying or telling them what classes to take how long they last through their teachers are what books they need what the curriculum is going to be like what the tester like what the papers are like what the projects are like, we’re not giving them a part of the process. Why would they be interested? So many schools fail to do this, right and it’s not rocket science. But schools depend on these things called curriculum which are often very top down there designed by people. They don’t know and places. We don’t know based on Research supposedly. That’s supposedly going to help raise scores because we have this whole system that believes that these scores are so valuable and a lot of things revolve around this any I’m not going to get out on too much of a rant. But the point is is the way that it’s constructed is not constructed in a way to give them ownership and buy him. That’s a pro. So let me explore for specific reasons that your child doesn’t have buying one. They don’t have very good future thinking anyhow, a lot of kids who struggle with executive function and a lot of teens and kids are not good at looking realistically into the future and saying, oh I want to set myself up to be successful. I’m going to need financial stability strong relationship shotti Gotti. They just don’t understand the reality of the consequences of their actions. The brain just hasn’t developed to that date yet. Por la ticket number two on why they don’t have ownership in Buy in is because there’s a lack of reward weather internal or external. They’re not rewarded by it feeling meaningful. Cuz a lot of the great film is not meaningful to them. They’re not rewarded by being engaged same thing because it’s not meaningful not engaging not interesting. It’s not stimulating so I don’t have to buy him because there’s no reward number three. They sometimes I have by him because it not only doesn’t feel good and engaging but it feels bad their Associated their school experiences and their learning and their homework and their tests and all of these things with feeling bad with feeling like I’m not enough I can’t do enough. I never do it, right this always happens why even try and they could be shamed your lazy. You don’t try your best. You just don’t care about school enough. Justin motivated you’re just undisciplined. So these shaming messages are very unmotivated does not increase buying number for because they are legitimately overwhelmed the vast quantity of tasks that we’re asking them to do is absolutely overwhelming. Don’t have a hundred energy points in the day and you only have four places. They can go you spend your energy physically emotionally mentally and socially once you exceed your daily energy points, you are now in overwhelmed. So these kids are often running and overwhelm in fight or flight. So for them to be asked to have extra buy in for something that’s not meaning for engaging is a tall order does the four reasons why they’re not bought in now. Let’s look at six ways that you can increase buying one discuss the future. They don’t have a great future top of disgusted in a really relaxed fun and gauged way with your kid have heart hearts with your kid turn off a technology sit down with them. Tell him you want to have a talk bring out family album talk about the future at them with their hopes and dreams and goals are and really invest in multiple conversations with your child over the next several years. Every month or two have a big sit-down conversation about this stuff and when you’re discussing the future talk about education and what I always talk about with kids is the meaning of Education the Latin word addict Haddaway What education comes from means to launch or to bring forth or to bring forward to or to bring up? And the funny thing is is that we say we bring up our kids we raise our kids and those that’s what education is about bringing up raising bring them up in the world why so that they can launch what does launch mean to me? It means that they can launch a happy and successful future where they can go if their hopes and dreams where they have the skills and knowledge you go for the hopes and dreams very simple, but have that discussion with them what is education for like zoom out with your kid and have these discussions number to to increase buying in ownership is to be honest with them. Sometimes it is boring. Sometimes they are asked to do meaningless stuff when I’m With kids in the kids cuz I hate this I look at it. When I go I get that doesn’t look very interesting to me either but it’s a necessary evil. So how are we going to get through it? So I don’t let them just stop there. But I say I acknowledge it man. I would feel the same way with a lot of the stuff that I see these kids going through. I’m not going to lie to these kids, but you want to really be honest with them and really be like, yeah, I get it that is boring or that does not sing with me unless I understand how you could say, when will you ever use that? Because I honestly don’t know when you will ever use that rather than trying to convince them of the value of it, which usually backfires number 3 next and similarly is to hold space for them. Don’t try to fix anything for them. Don’t try to change the way things are for them. Don’t try to convince them. Don’t try to logic them. Just hold space and listen listen to their experience. Being emotionally safe person that they can come too and that they can express and share their frustrations. Don’t tell them how they should be. Just listen. Ask them. How can I help you? How can I support you rather than telling them what you suggest? Get the buy-in first from the type of support that they want for me number for reward them things don’t feel meaningful to them because it doesn’t feel meaningful. Emotion is so important here. They have to feel good and what I mean by reward them is reward them reward them verbally inauthentically insincerely for the things that you see and appreciate in notice about them. Hey, I noticed you tried really hard on that. Hey, I noticed that you’re getting really resist about that. But you’re being honest with me about it is that you self started on your own today, even though you had a while you self started really focus on what you noticed use the 3-2-1 rule. I talk a lot with parents about the 3 2 1 rule 3 positive to everyone for Steve negative. Tell them three positive things. Tell them lots and lots of positive things reward them. So that wouldn’t so that when they leave you they leave on a high note rewarding them verbally will help increase engagement, you know how to make it more meaningful to them not teachers come really reward them by making things more interesting and engaging when you have a great teacher who’s able to make the curriculum meaning Are the kids that automatically is rewarding to them something being meaningful is rewarding when a teacher is really engaging when a teacher is a great Storyteller when it’s when a teacher engages in their craft as a master and they’re able to inspire a group of children that’s rewarding in and of itself. So number for is that they have to have some sort of a reward in order for them to be bought or to take ownership number five is to reduce overwhelm member. I said social emotional cognitive and physical energy. How can you reduce the overwhelm in all four of those domains? Some things will give us more energy and something’s will suck energy for us. So for example, some social experiences enliven us, but summer draining some people are really draining to us, but look at all the different areas and see how you can reduce the other one. You might get an executive function coaching dive into my blog look at the executive function stuff make life easier for them by giving them systems in tools so that they’re less overwhelmed. With having to manage the school work in last in this is similar to the reward. It’s basically we stayed in the reward run just make them feel good. Use the 3 2 1 rule leave them on a high note have them feeling good. I know that the baby either way parents and teachers don’t stop patiently persistently and diligently continue to help with these things and you will see more buying it more engagement. This is a Long messy process. Patiently persistently and diligently continue Goodluck. Meanwhile. If you like this video, please share with somebody right now that helps me and helps my blog grow and it also helps the person you and please hit subscribe in YouTube. You can turn on notifications if you want and it will tell you every time I put out a new video. Have a great day.