🧠 Easy Parent Strategy: Connection Building: inspired by Dayna Abraham, Calm The Chaos

What is up, parents, teachers, therapists, and anybody who’s interested in supporting kids with executive function challenges?

My name is Seth Perler from sethperler.com and executivefunctionsummit.com. I wear a lot of hats in the executive function, neurodiversity, and ADHD worlds.

Today, I’m going to talk about a section from a book called Calm the Chaos by Dana Abraham. Dana is a dear friend, and I really respect her work. The full title is Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids.

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Dana explains things really clearly, and I often find that her perspective aligns closely with what I see in my own practice—and with what many experts I collaborate with share.

As I was reading her book, I came across a section that really stood out to me because it reflects something I hear all the time from parents.

The section is called “Connect: The Magic Reset Button.”

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In this section, Dana talks about how parents often ask about consequences, boundaries, and rules. I hear the same questions all the time—parents want to know how to get ahead of their child’s challenging behaviors.

But, as she explains, this is often the wrong place to start—especially for our most challenging kids.

These kids already spend much of their lives getting into trouble, being corrected, being told to stop, or encountering disapproval—furrowed brows, crossed arms, and negative feedback.

They hear far more negative than positive messages, and that can be really disheartening.

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Over time, this leads children to internalize beliefs like:

“I’m bad.”
Or even worse, “I’m broken.”

I can relate to that personally. When I was younger, my internal voice told me I was a lazy failure. That kind of inner narrative is incredibly damaging.

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The key idea here is that we can break this cycle—but not with more rules and boundaries.

Instead, we need to come back to connection.

And I completely agree with that.

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Later in the book, Dana introduces an action step that I absolutely love.

She calls it a “Positive Interactions Journal.”

I use a lot of what I call relational strategies—simple tools that help build connection and strengthen relationships. When parents ask me things like:

* “How do I get my child to buy in?”
* “How do I get them to do their homework?”
* “How do I get them to ask for help?”

My answer always starts with the same foundation: relationship first.

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This particular tool was new to me, and I love it.

The idea is simple: get a notebook or journal and start tracking your family’s positive interactions.

Each day, notice at least one small moment of connection between you and your child—or between any family members.

If your kids aren’t ready to participate yet, that’s okay. Start by doing it yourself. Be intentional about creating and noticing these small moments.

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Later on, you can involve your children in recognizing and creating these positive interactions as well.

I often talk about something called the “3-to-1 rule”—noticing three positives for every one negative, and focusing on effort and small wins.

But I really like the idea of putting this into a journal format.

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There’s also research supporting practices like gratitude journaling—taking time to notice what’s going well and what we’re thankful for.

This practice is simple, but powerful.

The real strength comes from consistency—doing it every day.

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So I want to encourage parents and teachers to try this.

It’s easy to implement, and it can have a meaningful impact on connection and relationships.

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I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Have you tried something like this?
What would you add to make this technique even better?

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Again, my name is Seth Perler. You can find me at sethperler.com, where I offer free resources for parents and teachers, along with YouTube videos, podcasts, and more.

I want to wish you peace in your heart, joy in your day, and—most of all—connection with the people you care about, especially the kids in your life.

Have a fantastic day. Take care.