“Well if I do it for you I’ll have to do it for everyone”

Hello parents and teachers,

What’s up? This is Seth Perler from SethPerler.com. I’m an executive function coach based out of Boulder, Colorado, and I help struggling students navigate this thing called education.

Today, I’m going to go on a little bit of a rant. I want to tell you a quick story about something that happened to me last week. Don’t worry—I will relate it back to kids and helping students, so it will be relevant.

Here’s the background.

Last week, I went to grab a cup of coffee. One of the employees told me, “If you bring your cup back, we’ll give you a refill for a dollar.”

I thought, “Okay, cool.”

The next day, I brought back the exact same cup. I was about to fill it up, and I told the employee working there, “Hey, I brought my cup back for a refill. Can I pay you now?”

I only had about $1.50 in my pocket, and since the refill was supposed to cost a dollar, I knew I’d have enough to cover it, including tax.

She asked, “Did you get that coffee today?”

I said, “No, I got it yesterday.”

She replied, “Well, you had to have gotten it today.”

I explained, “I was told yesterday that I could bring the cup back for a refill. Nobody said it had to be the same day. I went home, washed it, and here it is.”

But she insisted that the refill policy only applied if I returned the cup on the same day.

So I said, “Okay, I only have about $1.50. Could you let it slide this one time?”

She said no.

One of the things she said really irritated me because it’s something I hear adults say to kids all the time.

She said:

“If I did it for you, I’d have to do it for everyone.”

Parents and teachers, human beings live through stories. We live through narratives. We all have stories in our heads about how things work.

In this case, her story was: “If I did it for you, I’d have to do it for everyone.”

And so often, teachers or other adults say the same thing to kids:

“If I did it for you, I’d have to do it for everyone.”

But that’s not necessarily true.

In fact, most of the time, it isn’t true.

Think it through.

In this situation, I’m a customer. I walked out frustrated, confused, and less interested in returning to that business.

The employee wasn’t asking herself, “How can I best serve this customer?”

And when adults say things like this to students, they’re often not asking themselves, “How can I best serve this student?”

I think that’s the question we should be asking.

When a student asks for help, support, flexibility, or accommodation, and we respond with, “If I did it for you, I’d have to do it for everyone,” I want you to imagine what it feels like to be that student hearing that response.

I think statements like that can make kids cynical.

They think, “No, you don’t.”

In education, we have a concept called differentiation. Differentiation means recognizing that students have different needs.

As educators, parents, and adults, our role is to serve students—not the other way around.

We are trying to provide them with the support, resources, and opportunities they need to succeed in life.

So instead of automatically saying, “No, if I did it for you, I’d have to do it for everyone,” we should pause and think.

That statement is usually just a story we’ve created. It doesn’t acknowledge that the student standing in front of us is a unique human being with unique needs.

Every student deserves support that reflects who they are.

We want students to develop their talents, gifts, interests, passions, and strengths.

But sometimes education can feel like it’s trying to standardize everyone.

Stay in the box.

Stay in the middle of the bell curve.

Do what you’re told.

Follow the directions.

Get all your ducks in a row.

Toe the line.

But what are we really trying to accomplish here?

We’re trying to help young people develop into their best selves so they can live meaningful, successful lives and contribute something valuable to the world.

That’s why statements like these concern me.

Sometimes adults simply haven’t thought through what they’re saying. That’s understandable—until it affects a child.

When it does, it can contribute to resentment toward school, learning, teachers, or authority figures. It can make students less motivated, less engaged, and more resistant.

So that’s my little rant for today.

I think it’s important for us as adults to question the stories behind what we’re saying. Why are we saying it? What’s the purpose? What are we actually trying to accomplish?

With that, I hope you’re doing well. I hope that as the school year comes to an end, you’re moving into a fantastic summer. And I hope your child is finishing the school year successfully.

Take care.