Parents, Teachers, and Advocacy for “Outside-the-Box” Kids

Hey, what’s up, parents and teachers?

This is Seth from SethPerler.com, and I’m glad you’re here.

Happy 2018! It’s the beginning of a new school year, and I have an email that I’d like to go over. The parent who wrote it says she is at her wit’s end.

Now, this is an older email, but it’s a great way to start off the year because, as parents, you need to be able to advocate for your child without feeling like you’re crazy, doing something wrong, or misperceiving the situation. You want to feel grounded in what you know and believe.

I’m going to read through this email and stop periodically to break down some of the ideas and concerns it raises.

The Parent’s Email

“I have a second-grade son who may be 2E based on uneven scores on the WISC-V.

I’m having issues with his charter school, which is battling me over whether my child is challenged or lazy.

It’s a ‘no unnecessary homework’ school, yet they’re keeping him after school once a week for up to 70 minutes while he struggles and becomes frustrated doing what should be about 15 minutes of homework—mostly handwriting drills and a single-word sort activity.

He has refused to do these activities for months because he says they’re dumb and not teaching him anything.

I say it’s a power struggle over authority and non-significant work. They say he has to learn to do what everyone else has to do and learn some ‘grit,’ and that I’m interfering.

I’m at my wit’s end. I’ve tried to advocate for my child, and now I’m basically banned from the class.”

Understanding 2E Students

I’m an executive function and 2E coach. I work with students who don’t fit inside the box.

If you imagine a bell curve, I work primarily with students who are outliers. Parents don’t hire me because their child is comfortably in the middle of the bell curve.

This parent says:

“I have a second-grade son who may be 2E based on uneven scores.”

When you see very high highs and very low lows in testing, those discrepancies often create misunderstandings among adults who don’t fully understand these kids.

Whether the label “2E” is ultimately appropriate or not, the uneven profile itself can lead adults to draw inaccurate conclusions about the child.

Charter Schools Are Still Run by Humans

The parent says she’s having issues with a charter school.

I want to point something out:

Just because a student attends a charter school doesn’t mean that school automatically knows what to do.

Charter schools, like all schools, are staffed by human beings.

The adults working there may lack:

• Training

• Expertise

• Time

• Resources

• Support

Likewise, just because a school is a charter school doesn’t mean it’s a bad school.

I actually like many charter schools.

People sometimes get caught up in labels and school types, but ultimately it comes down to the people inside the building.

What matters most is whether the adults involved:

• Have the child’s best interests at heart

• Understand the student’s needs

• Are willing to navigate the system to do what’s right for the child

The Problem with the Word “Lazy”

The parent says the school is debating whether her child is challenged or lazy.

If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you know I’m generally not a fan of the word lazy.

Adults who don’t understand executive function often say things like:

• “They’re lazy.”

• “They’re not trying hard enough.”

• “They don’t care about school.”

• “They’re unmotivated.”

• “They’re undisciplined.”

What they often don’t ask is:

• Are we engaging this student effectively?

• Do we truly understand this child?

• Have we given teachers enough support?

• Have we provided the right accommodations?

• Are we meeting this student’s needs?

Instead, the blame often falls on the child.

And I don’t think that’s fair.

“No Unnecessary Homework”

The parent says the school advertises itself as a “no unnecessary homework” school, yet her son is staying after school for up to 70 minutes doing work that should take about 15 minutes.

The key question is:

Is this extra time actually necessary?

The school says yes.

The parent and child believe no.

Without knowing the full story, I can’t say who’s right.

But what stands out to me is the emotional experience the child is having.

The Emotional Experience Matters

The child says the assignments are dumb and not teaching him anything.

Now, maybe the assignments do have educational value.

Maybe they don’t.

That’s not really the point.

The point is that this child is having an emotional experience.

He’s frustrated.

He’s resistant.

He’s unhappy.

He’s not engaged.

He’s not finding meaning in the work.

And when a child is emotionally overwhelmed, they’re not operating from their best thinking.

They’re operating from a stress response.

They’re in fight, flight, or freeze mode.

Think about it this way:

If someone made you sit in a room and complete tasks you saw no value in, while feeling pressured or judged, how would you feel?

Now imagine that same situation, but the person helping you was:

• Kind

• Patient

• Supportive

• Encouraging

• Compassionate

The experience would feel completely different.

“He Has to Do What Everyone Else Does”

The parent says:

“I think it’s a power struggle over authority and non-significant work.”

The school responds:

“He has to learn to do what everyone else has to do.”

This argument comes up all the time.

And honestly, it makes me cringe.

Why does everyone have to do the exact same thing?

We don’t expect adults to live identical lives.

We don’t all:

• Eat the same food

• Follow the same fitness plans

• Shop at the same stores

• Work the same jobs

Adults are allowed to be individuals.

Yet schools often expect students to be standardized.

Differentiation Is Best Practice

There’s a saying in special education:

“Best practice in special education is best practice for everyone.”

Later, gifted education adopted a similar idea:

“Best practice in gifted education is best practice for everyone.”

What does that mean?

It means that good teaching involves:

• Personalization

• Differentiation

• Individualization

Students aren’t identical.

Teaching shouldn’t assume they are.

The challenge is that differentiation requires:

• Time

• Resources

• Training

• Smaller class sizes

• Teacher expertise

It’s difficult work.

But it’s often what students need.

What About Grit?

The school says the child needs to learn grit.

Now let’s be clear:

Learning grit matters.

Students absolutely need to learn:

• Resilience

• Persistence

• Follow-through

• How to keep going when things are difficult

Those are important life skills.

But the question isn’t whether grit matters.

The question is:

Is this particular situation actually teaching grit?

From the parent’s description, I’m not convinced.

It seems more likely that the child is learning:

• School is frustrating.

• School isn’t meaningful.

• School is something to resist.

That’s very different from learning resilience.

“You’re Interfering”

The school tells the parent she’s interfering.

Honestly?

From what I can tell, I would encourage her to keep interfering.

Or, more accurately:

Keep advocating.

Yes, parents can sometimes become overly involved.

We’re all human.

Emotions can cloud judgment.

But this email doesn’t strike me as an example of that.

Instead, it sounds like a parent whose instincts are telling her something isn’t right.

And when something feels off, don’t automatically assume you’re wrong.

Ask yourself:

• Is this me?

• Or is there genuinely a problem here?

Think critically about it.

But don’t dismiss your concerns just because someone in authority disagrees with you.

When Advocacy Falls on Deaf Ears

The parent says she’s tried to advocate and now feels shut out.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing that.

All I can really say is:

Advocate. Advocate. Advocate.

Keep trying to connect with people who can help.

Sometimes these situations escalate further than anyone wants.

Sometimes they even become legal issues.

I hate seeing that happen.

Often, what schools need to do isn’t complicated.

Parents want to feel:

• Heard

• Seen

• Understood

• Taken seriously

That doesn’t require unlimited resources.

It requires communication, empathy, and partnership.

Starting the School Year Strong

As a new school year begins, many families with outlier kids—especially 2E students—will encounter situations where their child is misunderstood.

People may say:

• “We know they can do it.”

• “They’re capable.”

• “They’re just not trying.”

• “They’re lazy.”

• “They’re unmotivated.”

Unfortunately, these conversations happen all the time.

When they do, trust your instincts and advocate thoughtfully.

Tips for Communicating with Teachers

At the beginning of the school year:

Keep emails short and clear.

Use bullet points.

Be concise.

Repeat important information.

Don’t assume teachers will remember everything from one email.

Teachers are overwhelmed.

Many have:

• 30 students

• 90 students

• 100+ students

Sometimes they don’t truly know a student until weeks or months into the year.

Be positive.

You might say:

“I know you’re busy, but I wanted to briefly remind you of three things that are important for understanding my child.”

Keep it simple.

Keep it respectful.

Keep communicating.

Final Thoughts

I hope this school year starts off strong for you.

I hope your challenges are minimal.

I hope your joy is abundant.

And I hope the growth you see in your child is enormous.

Remember:

• Listen to your instincts.

• Advocate thoughtfully.

• Communicate clearly.

• Build partnerships when possible.

Most importantly, don’t give up on your child.

Sometimes the kids who are hardest to understand are the ones who need understanding the most.

Have a wonderful school year.