When your ADHD child gets in trouble?

Parents and teachers, this video is about what to do when your ADHD child gets in trouble at school. Teachers, you may find this helpful as well.

For parents, it doesn’t matter what age your child is—if you’re wondering what to do when your kid gets in trouble at school, you may want to take notes. I’m going to share some very specific ideas with you in just a bit.

Basically, I’m going to give you two critical insights to support your child—insights that most people don’t focus on. That’s why I’m really going to dive deep here.

My name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach and speaker, and I wear a lot of hats in the executive function world. Executive function is about how your brain helps you execute tasks, and ADHD is deeply connected to executive function.

I work with families in situations like this all the time. What often happens when a child gets in trouble at school is that adults focus on the details—trying to figure out exactly what happened, analyzing every nuance. They get lost in the weeds and lose sight of what’s most important.

It can be hard to step back, because we naturally want to understand the situation fully. We ask: What are the facts? What really happened? What are the consequences? What should the consequences be—and why?

But often, consequences are not well thought through. The intention is to create change, but they don’t actually do that. And yet, adults keep repeating strategies that don’t work.

We also tend to live in a very punitive culture. We assume that punishment will teach a lesson. Schools do this all the time. I was a teacher, and I love teachers—but many systems are still outdated in how they approach behavior.

So we have to ask: What does punishment actually do? Is it working the way we think it should? What does the research say?

And what about lecturing? Trying to reason with kids, explain things logically, help them “see the light”? We do this because we care—but is it working? Is it landing?

Often, these approaches lead to over-helping, enabling, or solving too much for the child. So we need to step back and ask: Are the things we’re doing to help actually helpful?

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Now, here are the two key insights I want to share:

1. Ask “why.”
2. Keep the communication doors open.

Let’s start with asking “why.”

Why is this behavior happening? There is always a reason. It’s not because a child is “bad”—there is no such thing as a bad kid.

Something is going on beneath the surface. Think of it like an iceberg. What you see is just the tip.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Ask:

* What were they trying to get out of this?
* What were they trying to do?
* What need were they trying to meet?
* What’s the unmet need?

We often get caught up in the details, but we need to pause and ask deeper questions.

Now, if you’re familiar with executive function, this is important. When a child gets in trouble, executive function skills are often involved.

For example:

* Decision-making – The brain is still developing, so kids don’t always make good choices.
* Inhibition – The ability to hold back words, actions, or emotions. The opposite is impulsivity.
* **Future thinking** – The ability to think about consequences. This is often delayed in kids with ADHD.

So when we ask “why,” we’re not just looking at behavior—we’re looking at executive function, emotions, and social dynamics.

What’s really going on?

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Now, the second insight:

Keep the communication doors open.

This is probably the most important takeaway.

Yes, we need to have difficult conversations. Yes, we need to address what happened. But we must leave those conversations in a way that keeps the relationship intact.

Your child should walk away thinking:

* “I feel safe.”
* “I feel heard.”
* “My parent is on my side.”

That doesn’t mean you agree with what they did. It means you’re there to support them, help them grow, and turn this into a positive learning experience.

If we’re not careful, we shut down communication—and then kids stop sharing.

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So how do you keep communication open?

First, pay attention to the nervous system. Watch body language. Notice tone, pacing, energy.

You might say:

* “You look upset.”
* “You seem like you don’t want to say everything—what’s going on?”

Look beyond the story and focus on what’s happening underneath.

Second, lead with compassion, empathy, and kindness—even if you’re frustrated.

Treat your child the way you would want to be treated if you were in trouble.

Avoid all-or-nothing thinking. Instead, acknowledge that part of what they were trying to do may have come from a good place.

Reflect that back to them.

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Third, watch your language.

Phrases like:

* “That was bad”
* “You should have…”
* “You shouldn’t have…”

…can feel shaming and judgmental.

Instead, think about how you would want to be spoken to.

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Next, follow the 90/10 rule:
Listen 90% of the time. Talk 10%.

Be genuinely curious:

* “Wow, that sounds really hard.”
* “What was going through your head?”

Let them talk.

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Use reflective listening:

* “So what you’re saying is… Did I get that right?”

This helps your child feel understood.

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You can also use “I notice” statements:

* “I notice your voice is getting louder.”
* “I notice you seem sad.”

Then pause. Let silence do the work. Give them space to process.

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Instead of solving the problem for them, ask:

* “What do you think you can do to fix this?”
* “How can you solve this?”
* “How can I support you?”

This builds ownership and problem-solving skills.

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And finally, always end with connection.

Let them know:

* “I love you.”
* “I’m here for you.”
* “I may not handle this perfectly, but I care about you.”

Reassure them that your support is unconditional.

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So again, the two key takeaways:

1. Ask why—look beneath the surface.
2. Keep the communication doors open.

My name is Seth Perler. If you found this helpful, feel free to subscribe, share it with someone who might benefit, and let me know in the comments what has worked—or hasn’t worked—for you in situations like this.

I wish you peace, joy, and most of all, connection with your child.

Have a fantastic day.