My kid wants to be treated like an adult

My Kid Wants to Be Treated Like an Adult

What’s up, parents and teachers? I often hear parents say something like, “My kid is 12 going on 25,” or “They want to be treated like an adult.” Here’s what that issue often looks like: parents say their child wants adult privileges, wants to be trusted, and wants independence — but they’re not acting responsibly enough to earn those privileges. They’re not doing the things that would make parents feel comfortable giving them that level of freedom.

Parents can start to feel like they are enabling their child by doing too much for them. They worry that if they keep helping, their child will develop learned helplessness — meaning they won’t grow up learning resilience or problem-solving skills. If your child struggles with executive function, this is a very legitimate concern to have.

What’s up, everybody — parents and teachers. My name is Seth. I’m an executive function coach in Colorado, and I help struggling students navigate this thing called school so they can have a great life. Kids who struggle with executive function are literally at risk of not achieving their goals and dreams because they can’t execute. They procrastinate, struggle with organization, don’t manage time well, resist using calendars, and so on.

So in this situation, I hear many parents say that their child wants to be treated like an adult. And honestly, adolescents do want that. Once they hit those tween and teen years, everything in their biology is pushing them toward independence. They are wired to eventually leave the nest and build their own lives.

But life today is very different from what it was hundreds of years ago. The world is more complicated, and these kids need stronger executive function skills to successfully launch into adulthood.

I also want to help you realize that you are not crazy. One thing I hear constantly from parents is:

“My kid won’t listen to me. They’ll listen to teachers, coaches, or other adults — but not me.”

That is incredibly common. You are not alone.

Here’s what your child is likely saying to you:

“Why don’t you trust me?”
“I’ve got this.”
“Get off my back.”
“Leave me alone.”

They are trying to push away and feel independent, while you are feeling concerned and protective. That moment — when they push you away — is when you, as the parent, have to decide:

“How am I going to respond to this?”

How can you respond without enabling them, without shaming them, while still staying connected and setting healthy boundaries? That is a very difficult balance for parents.

Part of the challenge is that the adolescent brain is still developing. Kids are not naturally good at future thinking. They struggle to connect today’s actions with tomorrow’s consequences. So when they repeatedly avoid homework, they genuinely think, “It’ll work itself out.” Then it doesn’t.

Parents, don’t expect their brain to suddenly mature tomorrow. Development takes time. Your child is supposed to gradually become more independent, and your job is to slowly release responsibility in a safe and healthy way.

I once heard a fantastic metaphor for this. Imagine your child is in a swimming pool, and you — the parent — are the edge of the pool. They swim out into the middle, exploring independence, and then they come back to the edge for safety and connection.

Then they push away again. Maybe they yell, act disrespectfully, or become emotional. They want to go farther out into the “pool,” but they’re not fully ready to be completely independent yet. So they come back again for support and reassurance.

Parents often take this personally because it hurts. But most of the time, it’s not really about you. Understanding that can help you regulate your own emotions and respond more calmly and intentionally.

So yes, your child wants to be treated like an adult. But part of learning to become an adult is this process of pushing away and coming back for safety. What matters most is the relationship and the secure attachment between you and your child.

When parents try to handle this situation, they often rely on logic, reasoning, or explaining why the child isn’t ready for more independence. But that approach usually doesn’t work very well.

Instead, I want to encourage you to focus on attachment theory. If you’re unfamiliar with it, look it up — it’s all over my blog and many other resources. The goal is to build a healthy, secure attachment with your child, not an anxious or avoidant attachment.

A secure attachment means your child feels heard, seen, understood, and supported by you. Ideally, that feeling goes both ways. Of course, kids are still going to push boundaries — that’s part of development. They want boundaries, even though they’ll never admit it.

So when your child is asking for more freedom and you feel tempted to lecture or convince them, try something different. Instead of trying to win the argument, get curious. Say things like:

“What do you mean?”
“Help me understand where you’re coming from.”
“Why does this freedom matter so much to you?”

You can still hold your boundary while listening deeply. You don’t have to change your mind just because you are listening compassionately.

The goal of these conversations is not necessarily agreement. The goal is that your child walks away feeling heard, understood, and emotionally safe — even if they didn’t get what they wanted.

You want them to know:

“My parent may not let me do this, but they’ve got my back. They’ll follow through on their boundaries, and I can still talk to them.”

This is a long journey. Most families carry patterns and dysfunction that have existed for generations. It takes years to build healthier dynamics.

So instead of trying to fix your child, lecture them, or logic them into changing, focus on strengthening the connection, relationship, attachment, and emotional security between you.

I also want to empower you as parents: trust your gut. If something truly doesn’t feel like a good idea, don’t let your child push that boundary.

Another important thing: find mentors. Sometimes kids will hear things from other trusted adults that they won’t hear from you. Good mentors — relatives, older students, coaches, or family friends — can make a huge difference.

And don’t forget to spend quality time with your child that has nothing to do with all of these heavy conversations. Play. Laugh. Be lighthearted. Build positive experiences together.

Finally, I want to mention something called co-regulation or attunement. Our nervous systems communicate with each other. During difficult conversations, pay attention to your child’s body language and reflect it back gently.

You might say:

“Wow, I noticed your fists just clenched.”
“I noticed your face scrunched up.”
“You seem really angry right now.”
“You look sad.”

This is called mirroring. Instead of reacting harshly, you are helping your child notice and regulate their emotions while staying connected to them.

All right, that was a long one. I hope you all are doing well. My name is Seth. If you found this helpful, leave a comment, give it a thumbs up, and share it with someone who may need it.

What do you do when your child wants to be treated like an adult, but something about it doesn’t feel right to you? What works for your family? What doesn’t?

I hope you have a fantastic day. Take care.