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- My kid won’t listen to me ”WHY don’t you trust me? I’ve got it. Get off my back.
- Wants to be treated like an adult but doesn’t act like it
- You parents have a hard job of deciphering when to back off and when to set a boundary
- The brain is developing, not good future thinking yet but is starting to push off the walls of the pool, wants independence
- Try secure attachment, hearing, seeing, understanding
- Not fixing, rationalizing, preaching
- Notice body language, mirror what you feel
- Trust your gut
- Find mentors
- Play, QT
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My kid wants to be treated like an adult what’s up parents and teachers. I often will hear parents say something like a MC12 going on twenty-five or they want to be treated like an adult. Here’s what the issue looks like. They say my kid wants to be treated like an adult they want to be given privileges. Like it’s all privileges. They want to be trusted but they’re not acting like it. They’re not doing the things that would make them want me to be able to give them the Privileges that they’re asking me for and then parents can often feel like they are enabling like they are doing too much for their child and they can get worried that if they do too much that their child to have learned helplessness, meaning that the child will grow up not having learned resilience Not Having learned to problem-solve on their own and your house drives with executive function. This is a very legitimate issue in concerned half. What’s up, everybody parents and teachers. My name is Seth. Pro. Com right there. Nope right there. I’m an executive function coach bits. I was struggling students navigate this thing called school so that they can have a great life because kids who struggle with executive function are literally at risk of not being able to achieve their goals and dreams in life. Because they can text you. They can’t get the things done that need to get done because they procrastinate they’re not organized. They don’t manage time while they don’t use calendars. They’re resistant yeti on it. So in this case, we have a situation where I hear a lot of parents saying that their kid wants to be treated like an adult your child wants to be treated like a doll and adult particularly adolescent want to be treated like an adult because when they start getting into that cleaner age when they start becoming an adult everything in them everything in their biology is designed so that they can leave the nest so that they can go start to have their own independent life. But here we are in this day and age and life is very different. It’s very complicated and what these kids need in order to be able to launch a successful future is very different than it was a hundred years ago 500 years ago thousand years ago. It’s a very different world in these kids need to have these in executive function skills in order to do this. So I wanted to talk a little bit about this and that and help you feel like you’re not crazy. And one of the ways I want to help you do that is I often hear parents say that their kids they they will say to me that they my kids won’t listen to me parents will tell me that they will say something. My kids won’t listen to me. They’ll listen to you the listen to other people that will not listen to me. Well, that’s that’s true. That that’s very very good very common thing that you have to contend with and you can feel like you’re the only one that you are not alone. That’s a very common so I wanted to mention not here at the outset. And here is what your kid is going to say to your kid wants their way. They want to feel independent. They want to feel like a grown up but they do not have the executive function skills, obviously or they be paying their own rent. They be paying their own bills preparing their own meals doing their own laundry. They’re not doing stuff like that, but they will say stuff like this to you. Why don’t you trust me? I got this get off my back. Leave me alone. And the reason they’re saying that is they’re trying to push you away and you are concerned. So at that moment when they’re pushing you away that I think is this is the moment when you have to decide I’m going to respond to this. What’s the best way to respond? How can I respond to this in a way where I’m not enabling them? And I’m not doing everything for them. I’m not shaming them. I’m connecting with them as best. I can at least for my part of it. I’m helping them know that I’m there for them. And I’m also setting a boundary. That’s a really tough question for parents. So you guys have a hard job deciphering. When do you back off? And when do you set the boundary? The brain is developing. These kids don’t have what’s called future thinking. So the Adolescent brain is not very good at Future thinking they’re not very good at connecting the dots between the consequences of action or inaction. So when they’re not doing homework over and over and over the night that it seeing it thinking through the consequences. They just think it’ll work itself out and then it doesn’t So then after that future thinking that’s not going to happen to bring something to change tomorrow. So don’t expect that parents. It’s the brain is still developing. Your kid is supposed to start to get more independent their job and your job is to start to let go gradual release of responsibility. Let out the reins a little bit but in the Safeway and their job when I wish I knew to credit this if you’re watching this on YouTube, please comment in the comment if you know who to credit this too, but I heard fantastic metaphor that it’s like a kid is in a swimming pool and you are the container you are the pool and they’re in the water in the swimming and they come to you at the edge for safety that comes to connect with you. Hey, what’s up, Mom? Hey, what’s up, Dad? How you doing? And then next thing, you know, they’re kicking off of you and that’s when you know things seem to be going well with your kid next thing, you know, they’re yelling at you or cussing you or being disrespectful or whatever. They’re pushing away from you and they’re going out and they want to go out and explore the middle of the pool. But they’re not ready to just tread water for a long time and really be on their own. So then they come back to the edge and they connect with you. Everything seems fine. Everything’s okay and they can get really emotional. They can get really nasty. They can get angry and they kick off of you and they push you away again. So they’re coming back and forth and will parents often do they take it personally and then it can feel very hurtful to go through this but it really is not about you even though it feels like it’s about you but just knowing that can help you parents to regulate your emotions and be like, wow, that’s enough you all good. I’m going to talk about that with him when were regulated again in deal with that positively. So any how they want to be treated like an adult part of that long process of them learning to become an adult which they’re not yet is the pushing off and coming back to you for safety pushing out, but they want to know that they have that safe place and use the parent of the most important thing is a relationship that the use the parent want to develop a healthy and secure attachment with your child. So when you are when they want to be treated like an adult, but they’re not and in your trying to communicate with them off and parents will try to rationalize or use logic or use reason to explain to them something what why they’re not, you know acting like an adult and that’s not going to work really well either. So what I want to suggest you is that what might work better for you is that instead of trying to rationalize without a reason with them and convince them and Lodge at them and show them how it is and help them understand and see the light, you know why they’re not ready for this level of Independence that they’re asking for and whatever the given situation is. What it has to do with cell phones are curfew or this or that try. I really focusing on attachment theory. If you don’t know about attachment Theory it’s on my blog. It’s all over the place look up attachment Theory but you want to be creating healthy and secure attachment not anxious or avoidant insecure attachment. I know I said that bass don’t worry if you don’t know all about that, but essentially what you want to be thinking is this in order to have serious build a more more more more secure attachment to your child. Will you have a fantastic relationship which is the most important thing ever regardless of Grey’s regardless of if they get a new College regardless of jobs and getting fired and blah blah regardless of any Turn on Sarah’s circumstances. Your relationship is the most important thing as far as I’m concerned. So secure attachment means that you’re building a better and better relationship with a child. where you the parent? Are creating a dynamic with your child where they feel heard? Where they feel seen by you really feel like you understand them where they feel like you’d get them where they feel like, you’ve got. You’ve got their back down ideal situation a secure attachment goes both ways. You both feel this way. You know, you feel like your kid gets you has your back understand you sees you here is who tries to really listen to tries to understand where you’re coming from course, they are at the child. They are designed to push your boundaries and push your buttons in and see where the boundaries are and test them in and they want boundaries will never admit it, but they do want clear boundaries and then wonder why the batteries there also, Doesn’t mean they’re going to like it. But anyhow you at these times when they want their independence and you want at logic them really get away from trying to convince them of anything and try to say what do you mean where you at with that? I want to understand you. Why why you do you want you know that privilege or that freedom or whatever. I really want to understand. Oh you’re mad at me cuz I won’t give you that. I really want to understand you. I want to see you. I want to hear you. I’m listening. I really am listening. I’m not going to change my boundary on this. Well, maybe if you convince me, but I’m not just I’m not going to be manipulated and I’m not going to do it if I really don’t agree, but I will hear you. I want to hear you. I want to understand you. I want feel connected to I want to feel close to you. I want, you know, let’s work on this. so really don’t worry so much about them understanding you worried about you understand them and them feeling understood your goal. Is not to change a boundary or anything like that your goal in these sorts of conversations is that when they walk away from you when they walk away from this conversation, even if they’re angry? They at least feel seen they feel heard they feel understood. They feel like you got their back. They may not be happy about it. But they’re like my parents won’t let me do this or so mean to be rude, but I know they got my back. I know that they’re going to follow through the boundaries. I know the Rogers AR firm. I know that you know when things get difficult they’re going to be there for me and now I can talk to them about this stuff. That’s how you want them to feel like they know they can talk to they can come to you may not get what they want. But they know that they’re not going to be judged then I can meet Shane. They’re going to be hurt. Now that’s a long journey. We have a lot a lot a lot of a lot of dysfunction in her family’s that’s been going on for Generations. It saddens us go way. We work on this stuff for years that so, you know don’t don’t feel like that that’s going to happen tomorrow, but that’s what we’re working towards. We’re not trying to fix them or change them or logic them or preach at them or rash like we’re trying to build the connection in the relationship. They attachment the security. I also want to empower you parents in this little chat when your kid wants to be treated like an adult they are going to push you. They’re going to push your button, but I want to encourage you trust your gut your God knows if you know, it’s not a good idea. Don’t let them push that battery. So I want to empower you to do that. Next thing. I want to say. It’s fine mentors, you know, when they want to be treated like an adult, you know, and they won’t have these conversations with you try to get other people who are a good example in their try to get maybe great relatives or older students are people that are really a good example for to be mentors for them. Next thing I want to mention is don’t forget about having quality time with your kid where you’re not talking about all the stuff. They want to be treated like an adult. I was going to happen. But remember this doesn’t have to be big long series heavy conversations all the time. When you’re done remember to play remember to have levity remember to have fun with your kid remember to build in that quality time? So yes, you’re going to have a heavy conversation let them move on and be played. Lee pfund be the parent that you want to be that you imagine yourself being the best paint, you know, don’t forget your quality time with your kid and building that in. And the last thing I’m going to mention is when you are trying to connect with them just on the Coco regulation or toonman. What happens is our nervous systems are talking to each other and what I want you to do when you’re having these conversations and they’re trying to explain it to you and yours are too really trying to attach and understand them in a good way when you know the body language. This is called mirroring or tuning or co-regulation. But I want you to notice what’s going on. And then I want you to reflect that back to them every once in awhile be like wow. I noticed that your fists clenched up. What are you thinking? What what’s going on in your mind? What what are you feeling right now while I noticed your face just scratched up bro. I noticed you look angry. Wow, I noticed you that your breathing into you know, that that’s an anxious breathing. Where is belly breathing is more calm. Wow, I noticed you look sad about it. Now. I noticed you just raise your voice at me instead of don’t raise your voice at me. Like wow. I know she just raise your voice at me like get into the mirroring learn more about that and responding in those sorts of ways where your Co regulating with them. You’re noticing what’s going on. They’re nervous system course, you’re listening to their story and I’m trying to hear it. But you’re also noticing they’re having a physical experience what’s going on with that and you’re developing nose. Skills as a parent to really be able to read them better like that. All right. That was a long one. I hope you all are doing good at my name is let’s see if I can do it right now. I subscribe. If you want give it a thumbs up if you like it share with people if you like it leave a comment on YouTube. What do you do when your kid wants to be treated like an adult and something doesn’t feel right. How do you respond to that? What works with doesn’t work for you? Leave a note in the comments if you want. I hope you have a fantastic day haven’t subscribed on subfloor. Com at send out a weekly Sunday update and the freebies good stuff. That’s what my life is dedicated to so parents teachers. I will see you soon take