How to get teenager to be more receptive to the help her parents are trying to give her?

You are a parent of a student who struggles with executive function, and your child is resistant to your help. You’re trying to help them, give them advice, and support them in having a better life, but they don’t want it. This video is for you.

My name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach based out of Boulder, Colorado, and I help struggling students navigate this thing called school.

I have an email here from one of my subscribers. It says:

“I subscribed to your blog last week. I found you in my efforts to find resources to help my 17-year-old daughter. Based on what I have read on your site, she is asynchronously developed and has executive function challenges. She’s been difficult and defiant since she was 15. She won’t take instructions from me or my husband. Can you provide some advice on how to get a teenager like her to recognize and accept that she has challenges and be more receptive to the help her parents are trying to give her?”

That is a great email because a lot of families are struggling with the same sort of thing.

I’m going to unpack this for you. I’ll go over the email, explain some key terms in the parent’s thinking, and then give you some solutions and insights so you can better help your child if you’re in this situation.

First, she mentions that her daughter is asynchronously developed.

If you haven’t heard that term before, it means that we tend to imagine that most kids develop within certain developmental norms. For example, we might expect a fifth grader to be at a fifth-grade level in math, science, reading, writing, maturity, and social development.

But asynchrony means that kids develop very differently across different areas.

For example, you might have a fifth grader who is doing high-school-level math but whose handwriting is at a second-grade level because of fine motor challenges. Or you might have a child who can have deep, adult-level conversations about topics they love, such as animals or music, but who becomes very immature when they don’t get their way.

In other words, they’re not developing evenly. Some areas are very advanced, some are delayed, and others are somewhere in the middle.

This makes them difficult to understand and support because they’re all over the map developmentally. It also creates challenges in an outdated school system that assumes all kids should move through the same curriculum at the same pace.

The next thing she says is that her daughter has executive function challenges.

That means she struggles with things like managing time, staying organized, turning in assignments, avoiding missing work, studying effectively, and generally executing the tasks necessary for success in life and school.

Then she says her daughter has been difficult and defiant since she was 15.

I’ll come back to the defiance piece in a moment.

She also says that her daughter won’t take instructions from her or her husband.

Most of the kids I work with don’t want advice or instructions from their parents.

Think about it as an adult. Do you like being told what to do? Do you enjoy taking instructions from other people?

Usually, we only accept advice when we’ve asked for it.

If I ask a doctor for help, I’m likely to listen to their recommendations. If I ask a guitar teacher for help learning to play better, I have ownership and buy-in because I sought out the help.

But if somebody simply tells me, “You should do things this way,” I don’t want it. Most people don’t.

That’s important because it helps explain what’s happening here.

I also love the way you framed your question:

“How do I get a teenager like her to recognize and accept that she has challenges?”

That’s a really good question because that’s exactly where the work begins.

And I like that you asked how to help her become more receptive to your help. Not fully receptive overnight, but just willing to move the ball forward.

That tells me you understand that this is a process, not a quick fix.

So let’s talk about that.

First, we need to understand Point A and Point B.

Point A is where the parents, teachers, and other adults are worried.

They’re anxious because they think:

“If my child doesn’t figure this out, they’re going to struggle later in life.”

They’re worried about careers, relationships, finances, independence, and future opportunities.

Those concerns are real.

Point B is the place where the parent can finally breathe a sigh of relief and think:

“My kid is going to be okay.”

The child may still have challenges, but they have enough tools, enough executive-function skills, and enough self-awareness to navigate life successfully.

That’s where we’re trying to get.

The child also has their own Point A and Point B.

At Point A, life feels chaotic. They don’t have many tools, much direction, or much confidence.

At Point B, they may not have everything figured out, but they know they can handle hard things. They trust themselves. They can work toward goals, overcome obstacles, and use the tools they’ve developed.

So how do we move a child from Point A to Point B?

When I work with students as a coach, there are three key elements involved in transformation.

First, they need systems.

They need systems for planning, organization, checking assignments, self-advocacy, and managing responsibilities.

Second, they need mindsets.

They need beliefs like:

1.  I can learn.
2.  I can grow.
3. School is hard, but I can figure it out.
4. My parents aren’t perfect, but they’re on my team.

The problem is that many struggling students develop resistance-based mindsets:

 I can’t do this.
 This is stupid.
 I don’t want to.
 I give up.
 My teachers hate me.
 This is too hard.

Those mindsets fuel procrastination, avoidance, and lack of motivation.

Third, they need habits and routines.

They need healthy study habits, sleep habits, exercise habits, and routines that support success.

Those are the three things we’re trying to build:

 Systems
 Mindsets
 Habits

Now let’s talk specifically about the mindset issue.

Many kids think:

 “I don’t want help from my parents.”

They feel overwhelmed by parental involvement. They feel nagged. They feel like their parents won’t leave them alone.

If you’re in that situation, you have to address the resistance itself.

And that isn’t easy.

It requires patience because this is not an overnight fix.

In most cases, there is healing that needs to happen.

The question becomes:

How do we help a child trust us enough to allow us to help them?

The answer lies in the relationship.

More specifically, it lies in co-regulation and the nervous system.

When your child resists your help, what’s really happening is that their nervous system doesn’t feel safe.

They’re not feeling:

 “This person is here to help me.”

Instead, they’re feeling:

“Get away from me.”

Fight. Flight. Freeze.

That’s difficult for parents to hear.

But your child’s nervous system is being triggered by the interaction.

This isn’t about blaming parents. It’s about understanding what’s happening so you can help.

Many parents hear this and immediately feel guilty.

Don’t.

The fact that you’re asking these questions tells me you’re a parent who cares and wants to grow.

But here’s what’s happening:

You ask, “Why did you get a zero?”

Or:

 “Can I help you?”

And their nervous system immediately shuts down.

They feel pressure.

They feel judged.

They feel controlled.

They want independence. They want trust. They want autonomy.

Even though you’re trying to help, they can’t experience it that way.

So the goal becomes changing the relationship.

Your child is now 17. The relationship itself has to evolve.

You have to communicate differently.

You have to perceive your child differently.

You have to focus more on strengths.

Many kids feel like all their parents notice are mistakes.

They feel like they can’t win.

They feel like nothing they do is ever enough.

They feel unseen.

So when you come to help, their body is already saying:

 “I don’t want this.”

Not because they don’t love you.

Not because they’re bad kids.

But because their nervous system feels unsafe.

Remember, they’ve spent years trying to fit into expectations that don’t match who they are.

By age 17, many of these kids are exhausted.

They’re dealing with identity, social pressure, school pressure, family pressure, and overwhelming expectations.

Your goal is to help them feel emotionally safe enough to become vulnerable and accept support.

And I want you to know:

This can change.

I see it happen all the time.

It’s not easy.

It’s not fast.

But it absolutely can happen.

Your goal isn’t perfection.

Your goal is simply to change the direction of the relationship.

If things are heading downhill, you want to start moving uphill—even if it’s only a 2% grade.

Even if it feels like two steps forward and one-and-a-half steps back.

That’s progress.

So how do you do that?

One strategy is to bring in an outsider.

A coach.

A mentor.

A tutor.

A trusted teacher.

An aunt.

An uncle.

An older student they admire.

Sometimes kids can hear things from other people that they simply can’t hear from their parents.

The second thing is harder:

You, the parent, have to change.

The older we get, the more fixed our beliefs and habits become.

But if you want a different relationship, you have to grow too.

Learn about your own nervous system.

Learn about your own triggers.

Learn about boundaries.

Learn about the beliefs you inherited and whether those beliefs still serve you.

Many adults never question the assumptions they grew up with.

But growth requires reflection.

You imagined parenting would look one way.

Then reality happened.

And now you’re dealing with challenges you never expected.

But the relationship is still the most important thing.

That’s why I strongly encourage parents to do their own inner work.

Get your own therapist.

Work with a counselor.

Read books.

Attend workshops.

Invest in learning.

There is absolutely nothing weak about asking for help.

In fact, it’s a sign of strength.

One book I recommend is The Self-Driven Child.

I actually bought copies of it for many of the local families I work with because it’s excellent.

Also, many experts from the Executive Function Online Summit talked extensively about relationships, co-regulation, and the nervous system.

There are incredible resources available if you’re willing to learn.

So don’t give up.

Your child wants to do well.

They just don’t yet have the tools.

They’re carrying a tremendous amount of pressure and overwhelm.

Their nervous system is trying to protect them.

The path forward is understanding that reality and rebuilding the relationship.

It’s going to take time.

My guess is that you’ll need at least six weeks to two months before you start seeing meaningful shifts in the direction of the relationship.

But that’s where the work begins.

You can search for quick fixes if you want, but this is the roadmap.

These are the things that truly create change.

My name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach based out of Boulder, Colorado, and I help struggling students navigate this thing called education.

If you found this helpful, give it a thumbs up, subscribe on YouTube, and subscribe to my blog.

I want to help people all over the world better understand executive function so we can help these kids build great lives.

Take care, and I’ll see you soon.