About this video
Parenting is hard. Period. And whenever I hear the same patterns of problems from a ton of parents, I get excited, because it means that there is a clear pattern, which means that there are clear solutions parents can implement.
In this video you’ll learn about one of the most common patterns that keep parents STUCK, and a clear explanation of HOW you can alter your COMMUNICATION approach to parenting to make things easier.
Parenting can be so challenging, and one of the biggest mistakes that parents make is in communication—how they’re communicating with their child.
You can look up a million different parenting methodologies and learn a bunch of great things from amazing people who have dedicated their lives to helping parents. But I want to break down this big mistake—how parents, through their communication, are often shooting themselves in the foot and creating more division with their child rather than connection.
There’s one concept that can help bring this all together, and I’ll unpack it so that by the end, you have a really clear understanding of how this works.
What happens is that parents fall into a default pattern. They repeat this pattern over and over while communicating with their kid, and it becomes like a ping-pong game—back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
And it is reactive, not responsive.
Reactive, not responsive. Meaning it’s like a script. If someone put a camera in your home and watched your family for a month, they could predict with a high level of precision exactly what you would say in certain situations. It’s the same conversations over and over again.
And you’re not getting anywhere. You’re not resolving anything.
You might get your kid to do their homework or fulfill their responsibilities, but it’s happening with a dysregulated nervous system—with battles, emotional intensity, and a lot of wasted time. It creates division rather than connection, and it doesn’t address the root of the problem.
So what happens is… the prefrontal cortex comes into play.
My name is Seth Perler, and I work with executive function.
I’ve been doing this for many, many years, working with tons of kids, families, and teachers.
The front part of the brain—the prefrontal cortex—helps us execute tasks. It helps us do important things: organize, prioritize, plan, and follow through.
But when we’re trying to do something important and we get into an emotional conversation, the blood flow shifts away from this part of the brain. Instead, it goes to other parts of the body—like the muscles—because the nervous system is preparing for fight, flight, or freeze.
So this thinking part of the brain gets foggy.
And if you’re stuck in these reactive patterns over and over again, you’re getting nowhere. You’re watching your kid go into a downward spiral, and you want to help them turn things around. You want progress. You want to stop the homework battles and all of that.
So I’m going to give you a script—a step-by-step process you can follow.
There are many coaches, authors, and different methodologies out there. This is simply how I teach it.
Again, my name is Seth Perler. You can find me at sethperler.com and executivefunctionsummit.com. My summit is coming up again soon.
What I call this approach is curious parenting.
It’s about curiosity.
Because when we’re not curious—whether we intend to be or not—we come across as judgmental.
Think about your own parents. Did you ever feel like they weren’t really listening to you? Like they were judging you? Not seeing you, not understanding you, not really having your back?
Think about your spouse, your friends, your employers. Have you ever experienced someone who wasn’t curious about your experience?
It feels awful. It feels disconnecting.
They’re not curious—they just have their opinion, their perspective. But what about you? What about how you feel?
That disconnect is exactly what we often recreate with our own kids—without meaning to.
As loving parents, we default to patterns we’ve learned over the years—even when they’re not working.
We default to judgment.
We stop being curious about our child’s experience.
We say things like:
“You need to get this done or you’re going to fail.”
“You’re going to end up in summer school.”
“You won’t get your driver’s license.”
“You won’t get into college.”
And on and on.
So curious parenting starts with a different entry point.
Start the conversation like this:
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Hey, I’m really curious about something.”
Get permission.
Then use language like:
“I wonder…”
This is genuine curiosity—not fixing, not judging.
Here’s where parents often shoot themselves in the foot.
They ask a question.
The child responds.
And then the parent jumps in—to fix, explain, or give their perspective.
Instead—pause.
Bite your tongue.
And say:
“Tell me more.”
“I’m really curious.”
“I want to understand.”
Let them go deeper.
Your child might say a little… or a lot.
But your job is to exhaust the issue.
And here’s a powerful mindset shift:
👉 Imagine your child is the most important human on the planet,
saying the most important thing ever said.
Feel how that changes your presence.
That’s what creates safety.
Once they’ve shared, reflect back:
“So what you’re saying is…”
“Am I understanding you correctly?”
Then validate:
“That sounds really hard.”
“That sounds stressful.”
“That sounds overwhelming.”
Even if it wouldn’t feel hard to you.
Now ask:
“What are you going to do to solve this problem?”
“How are you going to solve this?”
Then:
“How can I help?”
Now, will it go perfectly the first time?
No.
It takes time for your child’s nervous system to catch up and realize:
“This is different.”
“I’m safe.”
“I can actually say what I think.”
But when that happens—everything changes.
This is not permissive parenting.
If your child says:
“Do my homework for me.”
“Leave me alone.”
You can say:
“That doesn’t feel right to me.”
“That doesn’t work for me.”
You still hold boundaries.
Curiosity + boundaries = effective parenting.
“I don’t see why not.”
If their solution makes sense, use it.
It shows you considered it.
You can also ask:
“I wonder what’s blocking you.”
“I wonder what’s getting in the way.”
You don’t solve it for them.
You help them think.
Finish with something positive:
“Thank you for being honest with me.”
“I really appreciate you talking with me.”
“Let me know how I can help.”
And here’s the key takeaway:
👉 It’s not about solving the problem in the moment.
It’s about connection.
If your child walks away feeling seen—that’s success.
Because when kids feel seen, they come back.
They become more open.
More willing.
More ready to take the next step.
My name is Seth Perler.
You can find me at sethperler.com
Check out executivefunctionsummit.com
Join me at the summit this year.
And if this helped—feel free to share it.
The free online EF summit happens once a year.
Subscribe, like, & comment on my official channel to support my work.
Sharing supports my work, so please share far and wide. Thanks!
My jumpstart course for parents and teachers.
Love my work and want to donate?
