Spoke theory and patient persistence = win

Hey parents,

If you’ve been trying to help your child and you feel stuck—if you’re trying different strategies but feel overwhelmed and like you’re not making progress—this video is for you.

My name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach based in Boulder, Colorado.

Today’s video is about what I call Spoke Theory and the power of patient persistence.

I’m going to explain a concept I’ve developed called Spoke Theory. I tend to create theories and give them names, and this is one that has become especially meaningful to me.

The Background

Recently, we hosted an Executive Function Online Summit.

Experts from many different backgrounds came together to share their wisdom with families. Nearly 10,000 families participated. Some had young children, some had teenagers, and some had college-aged students.

The one thing all of these families had in common was that their children struggled with executive function in some way.

What does that mean?

It means these students struggle to execute—to get important things done that need to be done in order to plant seeds for a successful future.

One of the coolest things about the summit was hearing all these experts share their perspectives.

Although they used different terminology, models, and approaches, many of them were ultimately saying similar things.

Today, I want to share an email from a parent who experienced a breakthrough with her child and explain how it relates to Spoke Theory.

A Parent’s Win

Here’s what the parent wrote:

I thought I would give an update from yesterday—and this is for the win!

After my brief rant/post, which was self-care and self-regulation for me, I was able to regroup.

I created a safe space for my son, who said, “I hate homework.”

I told him I wasn’t going to get mad about homework anymore.

I started with a two-minute timer and stuck to it.

We were able to get four out of five pages done over several short sessions.

Then we were exhausted and went for a walk to clear our heads.

This morning, I booked an appointment with him and stuck to it.

For once, we didn’t start with a fight, negotiation, or negativity.

I had set up some visual prompts in the document, and he actually went through it like a boss.

He finished the whole thing in 20 minutes.

Thank you to Stuart, Gretchen, and the person who suggested the appointment strategy.

I can’t believe it worked.

I also followed through on a couple of promises and connected with his currency—we played Magic together for an hour. He loved it.

This afternoon, our family went go-karting and had ice cream.

This is a nice place to be.

This note was written by a mom named Melanie.

I want to break down what happened here and why it was so powerful.

What Was the Real Win?

The first thing I want you to notice is that Melanie begins by saying:

“This is for the win.”

But nowhere in her description of the win does she mention grades, test scores, or academic performance.

Our culture often teaches us to define success through data and outcomes.

Yet when I read this story, the biggest win isn’t academic at all.

The biggest win is found in the final sentence:

“This afternoon, our family went go-karting and had ice cream. This is a nice place to be.”

The real victory was connection.

The family moved through a difficult experience together.

There was less conflict.

More trust.

More enjoyment.

More presence.

That’s the win.

Iceberg Theory and Spoke Theory

Many of you have heard me talk about Iceberg Theory.

The tip of the iceberg is what we can see:

• Missing assignments

• Homework battles

• Poor grades

• Procrastination

• School struggles

But beneath the surface are all the deeper issues that are driving those behaviors.

Spoke Theory builds on that idea.

Many parents want a simple step-by-step formula:

“Just tell me exactly what to do.”

But helping a struggling child isn’t linear.

It’s messy.

Imagine a bicycle wheel.

It has many spokes.

Some spokes are broken.

Some are bent.

Some are missing entirely.

You don’t fix the wheel by focusing on only one spoke.

You improve it by strengthening multiple spokes over time.

That’s Spoke Theory.

You attack the problem from many different angles.

And it doesn’t matter which spoke you start with.

You simply start somewhere.

How Melanie Applied Spoke Theory

Let’s look at the different “spokes” she worked on.

1. Self-Care and Self-Regulation

She began with herself.

She needed a safe place to express her frustration.

She wrote her post.

She regulated her emotions.

That was the first spoke.

2. Creating Emotional Safety

When her son said:

“I hate homework.”

She didn’t argue.

She didn’t lecture.

She didn’t try to convince him he shouldn’t feel that way.

Instead, she created a safe space for him.

She told him:

“I’m not going to get mad about homework anymore.”

That’s another spoke.

3. Reducing the Barrier to Entry

She used a two-minute timer.

Just two minutes.

That’s a tiny commitment.

A manageable commitment.

Instead of fighting an overwhelming task, her son only had to focus for two minutes.

That’s another spoke.

4. Breaking Work Into Small Chunks

They completed the work through several short sessions.

Many parents hear this and think:

“That sounds exhausting.”

And honestly, it can be.

Many parents wish their child could simply sit down and complete everything at once.

But that’s not where some kids are yet.

These short sessions are scaffolding.

They are temporary supports.

Over time, the child can build endurance.

Two minutes becomes five.

Five becomes ten.

Ten becomes twenty.

The threshold grows.

The resistance decreases.

This process works.

It just takes time.

5. Recognizing Fatigue

When they became exhausted, they didn’t push harder.

They went for a walk.

They reset.

They took care of themselves.

That’s another spoke.

6. Preparing for Conversations

She scheduled an appointment with her son.

I often call this a “pre-talk.”

Instead of surprising him with a difficult conversation, she let him know it was coming.

That gave him time to mentally prepare.

Another spoke.

7. Using Visual Supports

She set up visual prompts.

Instead of constantly directing him, she created external supports.

The responsibility shifted from her doing everything to him following a structure.

Another spoke.

8. Building Connection

She followed through on promises.

She connected with his interests.

They played Magic together.

She invested in the relationship.

Another spoke.

The Big Lesson

Here’s what I want you to take away from this video:

Helping your child is not a linear, step-by-step process.

There is no perfect starting point.

You don’t need to find the magical first step.

You simply need to pick a spoke and begin.

Maybe your first spoke is self-care.

Maybe it’s connection.

Maybe it’s cleaning out the backpack.

Maybe it’s improving communication.

Maybe it’s creating better routines.

It doesn’t matter where you start.

Just start.

Then continue strengthening multiple spokes over time.

Use whatever tools you currently have.

Your toolkit doesn’t need to be perfect.

It just needs to be used.

Patient Persistence

The second idea is patient persistence.

Be patient.

Be persistent.

Then be patient again.

Keep showing up.

Keep planting seeds.

Keep strengthening the spokes.

Don’t give up.

I know some of you are facing incredibly difficult situations.

I know some of you feel exhausted.

I know some of you feel like you’re pushing a giant boulder uphill.

But this work matters.

Tiny wins matter.

Micro-wins matter.

Every small improvement matters.

The process works.

Keep going.

Final Thoughts

If you remember nothing else from this video, remember this:

• Use Spoke Theory.

• Strengthen multiple areas at once.

• Don’t worry about starting perfectly.

• Be patient.

• Be persistent.

• Celebrate the wins, especially the relationship wins.

Those moments of connection—the go-karting, the ice cream, the laughter, the feeling that your family is enjoying being together—those are often the biggest victories of all.

My name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach based in Boulder, Colorado.

If you found this helpful, feel free to subscribe, leave a comment, or share it with someone who might benefit from it.

Take care, and I’ll see you next week.