❓Stressed & overwhelmed: Managing family life during a crisis with Executive Function problems

“Okay. Hi, I’m Dr. Sharon Saline.”

“And this is Seth Perler.”

Together, we’re going to talk about being stressed out and overwhelmed, how to manage family life during the COVID-19 crisis, how to keep your sanity, and how to bring in some joy.

So welcome. It’s great to have you here.

Seth and I are going to talk for about 25 minutes on some themes to help guide you through this period of time, and then we’re going to answer your questions. We really want to spend time talking with you about what’s going on in your lives so we can form a community, share ideas, and help you feel supported.

You are not alone in what you’re dealing with. In fact, we’re all dealing with this together.

—

There are four themes Seth and I discussed before we started tonight.

The first theme we wanted to talk about is staying connected.

Seth, maybe you could share a little bit about what “stay connected” means to you.

—

“Yeah, thanks so much. That’s super important.”

We live in a very disconnected time.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach based in Colorado, and I specialize in working with struggling students — particularly middle school, high school, and college students. I also work with younger kids, although many parents don’t notice the red flags early enough.

ADHD and executive function challenges often go hand in hand.

When I’m working with families and students, I talk a lot about the nervous system. I find it’s one of the most important topics when helping families understand what’s going on.

In terms of connection, I love attachment theory. If you’re taking notes, write down “attachment theory” and look it up later.

Attachment theory has to do with how we connect with others. A lot of the literature focuses on couples, but really, it applies to all human relationships. We all either have secure or insecure attachment patterns.

Think about someone who is your best friend — someone who really has your back. You feel heard by them. You feel seen. They understand you. You have a secure attachment with that person.

Now think about someone with whom you have an insecure attachment. Maybe it’s a coworker, spouse, relative, or former friend. You don’t feel heard. You don’t feel seen. You don’t feel understood.

With our children, and in my work as a coach, and in Dr. Sharon’s work as well, we are trying to build the healthiest and most secure attachment possible.

—

All of the students I work with are resistant.

“I don’t feel like it.”
“This is stupid.”
“Why do I have to do this?”
“I hate school.”
“I don’t need planners.”
“I’ll do it tomorrow.”

These are the kinds of kids I work with.

So how do you help a resistant human being do what they need to do for their own well-being?

It starts with connection.

Ask yourself:

* Does my child feel heard?
* Does my child feel seen?
* Does my child feel understood?

And what can you do to help them feel more understood?

—

Dr. Sharon added:

“We want to meet kids where they are.”

A positive connection with your child is more important now than ever.

Your kids are doing the best they can during a very difficult time, with limited resources and still-developing brains. And parents are struggling too.

What we want to avoid is perfectionism.

Perfectionism brings judgment and criticism. Right now, we need to zoom out and decide what’s truly most important.

And what seems most important — schoolwork — may not actually be the most important thing.

The most important thing is your relationship with your child.

—

Seth continued:

Our nervous systems are always communicating with each other.

Kids can feel our anxiety.

When our nervous system communicates pressure, perfectionism, or frustration, kids feel that pressure too. And resistance grows from pressure.

Kids may respond with:

* lying
* excuses
* anger
* withdrawal

They’re trying to protect themselves.

So start observing their body language and nervous system cues.

Instead of saying:

“You’re upset.”

Try saying:

“I notice your shoulders are tense.”
“I notice you seem frustrated.”

Reflect what you see without judgment.

That helps kids feel seen.

—

Dr. Sharon added that we also want to help kids recognize signs that they’re becoming dysregulated.

Some examples:

* a knot in the stomach
* tight shoulders
* shallow breathing
* raised voice
* faster heartbeat

When kids — and adults — can recognize these signals early, they can start regulating before things escalate.

And parents must regulate themselves first.

If you’re dysregulated, your child isn’t hearing your words.

—

Seth explained:

“The stronger nervous system wins.”

If you stay grounded, you can help regulate your child.

But if both nervous systems escalate, nobody is hearing each other.

—

Dr. Sharon shared one strategy she personally uses:

“I go to the bathroom, splash water on my face, and tell myself:
‘You’ve been here before. You can do this.’”

She encouraged families to create a list of calming strategies in advance.

Examples include:

* reading under a loft bed
* listening to music
* drinking water
* going outside
* sitting quietly

The point is to plan ahead for moments of dysregulation.

—

Seth emphasized that conflict in families is normal.

“It’s okay that it’s messy.”

What matters is what you do afterward.

He recommends having “pre-conversations” during calm moments.

For example:

“Sometimes we both get frustrated. I want us to have more peace and connection. What helps you feel heard?”

These conversations help families move from reaction to response.

—

He also emphasized the importance of fun.

Schedule time to connect with your child without talking about school.

Maybe it’s:

* five minutes
* thirty minutes
* a whole evening

Do something enjoyable together.

And don’t bring up school.

—

Dr. Sharon suggested “gamifying” chores and routines:

* race to pick things up
* play music while doing dishes
* dance while folding laundry

The goal is to shift from “have to” toward enjoyment and connection.

—

Another important point:

Negative connection is still connection.

Arguing constantly keeps people emotionally connected in a painful way.

Instead, we want heart-opening connection rather than heart-closing connection.

—

Dr. Sharon introduced the idea of “Take Backs.”

Everyone in the family gets one “take back” per day.

If someone says something hurtful, they can say:

“That was my take back. I shouldn’t have said that.”

This teaches accountability and emotional awareness.

—

The conversation later shifted toward schedules and routines.

Seth emphasized that schedules should be:

* visual
* simple
* flexible
* collaborative

Many parents create schedules that are too detailed and overwhelming.

Less is more.

Kids don’t need every minute planned.

—

He also stressed the importance of buy-in.

Instead of imposing a schedule, involve the child in creating it.

Ask:

“What do you think would work?”

Then gently guide and negotiate.

—

Dr. Sharon added that many kids are motivated by:

* avoiding conflict
* wanting freedom
* wanting screen time

Rather than using punishment, parents can use incentives and collaborative agreements.

Punishments don’t teach skills.

—

The discussion later addressed anxiety.

Seth described anxiety as the nervous system feeling unsafe.

Kids need:

* vocabulary for their feelings
* emotional regulation tools
* safe relationships
* reassurance

Parents should help children notice sensations in their bodies and normalize talking about anxiety.

—

The speakers also addressed “failure.”

Right now, many kids are overwhelmed, anxious, and grieving the loss of normal life.

The goal isn’t perfection.

The goal is getting through this period while preserving connection and emotional well-being.

—

Toward the end, Seth challenged traditional ideas about education.

He questioned excessive busywork and emphasized:

– experiential learning
– interdisciplinary learning
– reading for enjoyment
– meaningful life experiences

He encouraged families to focus less on rigid academic structures and more on real learning and emotional health.