Student can’t or won’t? Hidden influences & Iceberg Theory

This is Seth with SethPerler.com. I’m an executive function coach based out of Boulder, Colorado. It’s good to have you here today.

I have a very, very, very important topic to discuss. If you are a parent or teacher who cares about students struggling in school, I want to talk about hidden influences.

In this video, I’m going to share responses I received after sending an email to parents and teachers, asking them to tell me about some of these hidden influences. I’ll explain what that means in a moment.

The reason I did this is because adults often misunderstand struggling students. You may have a child who struggles in school, a child with executive function challenges. Whether they have a formal diagnosis or not—ADHD, autism, Asperger’s syndrome, dyslexia, sensory integration issues, or something else—they are often struggling with executive function. In other words, they struggle to execute tasks.

The problem is that adults frequently misunderstand what’s happening. When they misunderstand it, their attempts to help the student are often ineffective. As a result, they may unintentionally shame the student.

The student begins receiving messages such as:

• You’re lazy.

• You’re not motivated.

• You’re not disciplined enough.

• You don’t try hard enough.

• You don’t care enough about school.

Over time, students internalize these messages. This becomes exhausting. They start feeling worse about themselves, become less willing to try, and get caught in a cycle that ultimately prevents them from developing the skills and knowledge they need to build a successful future.

So today, I want to talk about hidden influences—things happening beneath the surface that adults may not see.

I often use Iceberg Theory. Imagine the tip of an iceberg. Above the water, we see missing assignments, zeros, incompletes, resistance, lying, homework problems, study struggles, poor time estimation, resistance to chores, and other visible consequences.

That’s the tip of the iceberg.

But what’s underneath it?

Those are the hidden influences.

Parents and teachers need to understand what’s below the surface because doing so helps us become more compassionate, avoid misunderstandings, reduce shame, and move toward better solutions.

The driving question behind Iceberg Theory is:

Is it a can’t, or is it a won’t?

When adults see students struggling, they often assume the student won’t do what they’re supposed to do. But what I’m suggesting is that many students can’t do what we’re asking because of underlying influences. They may lack executive function skills, emotional resources, knowledge, or foundational abilities.

It’s not necessarily a matter of unwillingness.

Many students are trying incredibly hard but still can’t meet expectations.

So let’s look at some of the hidden influences people shared with me.

Mental and Emotional Factors

• ADHD

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Bipolar disorder

• Low self-esteem

• Lack of confidence

• Perfectionism

• Social anxiety

• Emotional overwhelm

• Chronic stress

• Loneliness

• Relationship drama

• Feeling misunderstood, unseen, or unheard

• Feeling disliked by a teacher

• Bullying

• Trauma

• Ancestral or generational trauma

• Abuse (verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual)

• Divorce and family conflict

• Caregiver burnout

• Poverty

• Love, crushes, and intense emotional preoccupations

Learning and Executive Function Challenges

• Executive function deficits

• Dyslexia

• Dyscalculia

• Dysgraphia

• Processing speed difficulties

• Short-term and long-term memory deficits

• Visual processing disorders

• Auditory processing disorders

• Central auditory processing disorder

• Asynchronous development

• Undiagnosed learning disabilities

Physical and Medical Factors

• Epilepsy

• Type 1 or Type 2 diabetes

• Anemia

• Vitamin deficiencies

• Chronic dehydration

• Chronic fatigue

• Hormonal imbalances

• Thyroid issues

• Food sensitivities

• Food allergies

• Crohn’s disease

• Chronic infections

• Lyme disease

• Mold exposure

• Environmental toxins

• Vision problems

• Hearing problems

• Weakened immune systems

• Constipation

• Sleep disorders

• Electronics-induced insomnia

• Circadian rhythm disorders

• Seasonal affective disorder

• Post-concussion symptoms

Sensory and Neurological Factors

• Sensory processing difficulties

• Misophonia (strong reactions to certain sounds)

• Sensitivity to environmental toxins

• Motor development challenges

• Coordination difficulties

School and Environmental Factors

• Lack of accommodations

• Loss of IEP support

• Teachers not knowing a student’s history

• Unclear expectations

• Excessive homework demands

• Poor school fit

• Not being challenged enough

• Home environments that make learning difficult

• Disruptive or stressful neighborhoods

• Social media stress

• Excessive screen time

And the list goes on.

The point is that these are only the hidden influences people thought of when responding to my email. There are undoubtedly many more.

The key takeaway is this:

Adults often assume students won’t do what they’re being asked to do. But we don’t spend enough time considering that they may genuinely be unable to do it because of something happening beneath the surface.

And the biggest problem with this misunderstanding is the shame it creates.

When we tell students they’re lazy, unmotivated, careless, irresponsible, or simply not trying hard enough, we’re often failing to understand what’s really happening.

I wanted to make this video because there is so much unnecessary suffering taking place.

We’ve built educational systems and expectations around certain assumptions. After being immersed in these systems for so long, it becomes difficult to question them.

My challenge to you is this:

Look beneath the surface.

Look beyond the missing assignments, the grades, the resistance, and the behavior.

Try to understand the student’s actual experience.

I don’t want my students to have average lives. I don’t want them to settle for “okay.” I want them to have great lives. I want them to be happy, confident, successful, and equipped with the skills they need to navigate life.

I want them to have meaningful relationships, fulfilling careers, peace, joy, freedom, and a sense of purpose.

When we shame students and fail to understand what’s happening beneath the surface, we often cause more harm than good.

That breaks my heart because nearly every student I work with has experienced this misunderstanding at some point in their educational journey.

And it doesn’t have to be that way.

I hope this video helps shine a light on some of the hidden influences that may be affecting students so that we can approach them with more compassion, patience, understanding, and acceptance.

If we do that, we’ll be far better equipped to help them develop the knowledge and skills they need to create a great future.

My name is Seth Perler. My website is SethPerler.com.

Please subscribe to my site, share this video with someone you care about, give it a thumbs-up, and subscribe to my YouTube channel if you’d like to support my work.

Other than that, I hope you have a fantastic day, and I’ll see you soon.

Take care.