🧠 The WORST misunderstanding about ADHD & Executive Function

In this video, I’m going to talk to you about the number one biggest problem, misconception, and myth that I see when it comes to kids with executive function challenges.

What’s up, parents and teachers? My name is Seth Perler. I wear a lot of hats in the executive function, ADHD, neurodiversity, and 2e worlds. I have a site called sethperler.com, where you can get freebies and sign up for updates.

In this video, I’m going to talk about this major issue.

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I like to simplify things as much as possible. In this case, there is one concept that I believe is the most important for parents, teachers, and anyone trying to help these kids.

There’s a big misunderstanding—and that misunderstanding is the difference between “can’t” versus “won’t.”

Here’s what I mean.

When we misunderstand something, we use the wrong interventions to solve the problem. But when we understand something well, we can problem-solve much more effectively.

This applies to anything—changing guitar strings, taking care of plants, or working with kids who have executive function challenges.

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Many kids with executive function challenges—whether they are on the autism spectrum, diagnosed with ADHD, dyslexia, dyscalculia, or have experienced trauma—are often misunderstood.

And this is very painful for them.

They often don’t know how to articulate it. Sometimes they don’t even realize they’re being misunderstood because they don’t fully understand executive function themselves.

So what does that misunderstanding look like?

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It comes down to “can’t” versus “won’t.”

A lot of times, these kids are perceived as if they won’t do things. They’re seen as willful, defiant, not trying hard enough. People think they just need to work harder, motivate themselves, prioritize better, focus more, or simply choose to pay attention.

All of these assumptions are based on the idea that this is a matter of will—that they won’t do what’s being asked.

But instead, we need to consider that it might be a “can’t.”

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When we believe someone can’t do something, we treat them very differently.

For example, I can’t see the screen clearly right now because of glare on my glasses. I can’t just try harder to see better. I can’t motivate myself to see more clearly. No matter how hard I try, I don’t have the ability to fix it without putting on my glasses.

When people can’t do something, they simply can’t.

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Now, there are some complications around this.

One is that as kids get older—around 11, 12, 13, and beyond—they often become more resistant. They say things like, “Get off my back. I’ve got this. Why don’t you trust me? I can do it myself.”

But they can’t—because they don’t yet have the necessary skill sets.

Another complication is that when we treat a “can’t” as a “won’t,” we use ineffective interventions. We might get short-term compliance—the child might do the task, fake it, or try just to get you off their back—but they’re not actually building the executive function skills they need.

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We often rely on things like coercion, arguments, homework battles, punishment, rewards, lectures, logic, and reason. We try to motivate them to do the task.

But none of that builds the skills.

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Another complication is when people say, “I’ve seen them do it before, so I know they can.”

But that ignores the context. Executive function is highly dependent on the situation—energy levels, stress, environment, and many other factors.

So it may look like a “won’t,” but it’s actually still a “can’t.”

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And then there’s another layer.

After repeated negative experiences—feeling like a failure, feeling unseen, feeling like no one recognizes their effort—kids can lose motivation.

At that point, it may start to look like a “won’t.”

They think, “Why should I try? No matter what I do, it’s not going to be good enough.”

That’s when things can become really discouraging.

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So when we see behavior as a “won’t,” we respond very differently than when we see it as a “can’t.”

When we shift to a “can’t” mindset, a whole world of possibilities opens up.

We start asking better questions:
“What skills does this child need to do this?”
“How can I help them build those skills?”
“How can I support them with compassion and empathy?”

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We also focus on the relationship.

How can we build a relationship where they feel safe enough to take risks and develop these skills?

Because by the time many of these kids reach their teenage years, they don’t want help. They don’t want to be nagged. They don’t want another tutor. They don’t want to feel different.

They don’t want someone pointing out what they’re doing wrong—even though they’re not “wrong,” that’s the message they’ve internalized.

So even when help is available, it can be hard for them to accept it.

That’s why the relationship matters so much.

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To recap:

The biggest misunderstanding is “can’t” versus “won’t.”

If we could fix just this one misunderstanding, it would create so much positive change for these kids.

Because when we misunderstand, we use the wrong interventions. And when we understand correctly, we can use better, more compassionate, and more effective strategies that actually help them grow.

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What’s up, everybody—again, my name is Seth Perler, executive function coach and speaker.

You can find me at sethperler.com for resources and freebies.

If this resonates with you, leave a comment below. I’d love to hear your thoughts about “can’t” versus “won’t.” Have you experienced situations where you truly couldn’t do something, but others assumed you just wouldn’t?

I’m sure we all have.

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And I want to leave you with this:

I wish you peace in your heart.
I wish you joy.
And most of all, I wish you a deep sense of connection with the people you care about—especially the kids in your life.

Have a fantastic day.