Emotional Regulation & Executive Function

Believe it or not, I’m really angry and frustrated right now—even though I’m smiling. I’m so frustrated, and it’s almost funny.

If you’ve been following me—what’s up everybody, my name is Seth Perler—I’ve been making videos for a long time. And every once in a while, my software messes up.

Today I was making a video about emotional regulation and why it’s so important for kids. I was eight minutes into the video, and it stopped. It froze. The whole video is gone. I have to redo the entire thing. Super frustrating.

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So I’m going to talk about emotional regulation, and you’re actually watching me re-regulate in real time. I’m already feeling better. I just took a deep breath. I noticed I’m changing my thoughts about the story: “It’s okay. Let’s just get this video out and help people.”

It’s not the end of the world.

I can feel my nervous system coming down.

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Today I’m going to talk about:

– What emotional regulation is
– Why it’s important
– And I’ll give you 8 practical tools you can use with kids—whether you’re a parent or a teacher

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Why emotional regulation matters

Emotional regulation is part of executive function. The front part of our brain helps us get things done. Many kids struggle with executive function and emotional regulation, meaning they struggle to complete important tasks that affect their quality of life.

Even now, I can feel myself calming down as I talk about this again. I’m getting back into the flow.

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Emotional regulation is important because when we can manage our emotions—when we are aware of them instead of mindless or overwhelmed by them—we can work with them.

If we can’t regulate them, they can take over. We can make poor decisions, act impulsively, or be ruled by thoughts and emotions instead of working with them.

Most people don’t want to feel uncomfortable emotions, so they distract themselves or avoid them. But avoidance doesn’t help. Learning to process emotions actually does help—and it’s not as hard as we think once we learn how.

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We don’t want kids to be ruled by their emotions. We want them to make conscious choices in life.

So emotional regulation is the ability to manage feelings and emotional responses.

Our nervous system is designed to keep us safe and detect threats. When we feel unsafe, we become dysregulated so we can go into fight, flight, or freeze.

But sometimes our brain misinterprets situations—making small problems feel like big threats. That can lead to unhelpful decisions.

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So emotional regulation is about:

– Managing emotions
– Processing emotions in a healthy way
– Keeping ourselves in a regulated state

When we’re dysregulated, we don’t think clearly. We all have moments where we later realize, “I would have acted differently if I were calm.”

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What dysregulation looks like

Dysregulation can happen when we’re stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed. Sometimes people can look fine on the outside but be very dysregulated internally.

Kids especially can mask this—they may look okay but be struggling inside.

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There are different models for understanding this:

– Polyvagal theory
– “Red, yellow, green” emotional states
– 1–10 emotional scale
– “Rest and digest” vs. survival states

But the core idea is simple: when we’re dysregulated, our thinking brain (prefrontal cortex) doesn’t function well.

That means attention, focus, and decision-making all suffer.

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So let’s do a quick check.

On a scale from 1 to 10:

– 1 = very calm (blue zone)
– 10 = very stressed (red zone)

Where are you right now? Don’t overthink it.

Now ask yourself: what would move you just one number higher into a calmer state?

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My model: story and body

I simplify emotional regulation into two parts:

1. The story (mind)
Our mind creates narratives about what is happening.

Example:

– “That test will fail me.”
– “That situation is dangerous.”
– “They don’t like me.”

But the key question is: How true is the story?

We can often adjust our thinking and make things more realistic instead of catastrophic.

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2. The body
Our nervous system creates physical sensations—tightness, heat, tension, pressure.

Many people ignore their body signals or assume their thoughts are always true. But emotions are signals—not commands.

We need to learn to observe both:

– The story we tell ourselves
– The physical sensations in our body

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8 tools for emotional regulation

1. Talk and hold space
Let kids talk without interrupting or fixing. Don’t rush to solve. Just listen, validate, and allow them to express emotions safely.

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2. “I notice” tool
Use neutral observation:

– “I notice you crossed your arms.”
– “I notice you look frustrated.”

This builds awareness without judgment.

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3. Breathing
Model calm breathing yourself. Kids often co-regulate with adults—they will naturally follow your nervous system.

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4. Movement
Walking, stretching, playing—movement helps discharge emotional energy.

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5. Meditation
This is one of the most powerful tools I’ve used. It builds awareness of thoughts and body sensations so we are not controlled by them.

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6. Journaling
Writing slows the mind and increases awareness of thoughts and emotions.

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7. Inner work (for adults)
Therapy, self-development, exercise, reflection, or meditation. The more we work on ourselves, the better we can support kids.

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8. Emotional vocabulary
Teach and use feeling words:

– frustrated
– anxious
– overwhelmed
– calm
– excited

Naming emotions reduces intensity and increases awareness.

Example:

– “I’m mad.”
– “Where do you feel that in your body?”
– “My stomach feels tight.”

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Final thoughts

The main theme of emotional regulation is awareness.

The more aware we are:

– of our thoughts
– of our body
– of our emotions

…the more control we have over our behavior and decisions.

Without awareness, we are more likely to be ruled by our emotions.

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If you liked this video, give it a thumbs up, subscribe, and leave a comment:

– What tool works for you?
– What would you add?
– What helps you or your students regulate emotions?

You can also visit my site at sethperler.com for free resources for parents and teachers.

And I have an Executive Function Summit coming up in August at executivefunctionsummit.com. It’s free—check it out.

Take care.