How to support Boys with Aggression. With Tosha Schore

Hi everybody. Hi, Tosha. Hey, Seth—good to see you.

This is Tosha Shore. She’s a pretty amazing human I’ve known for a while. We’ve become friends, and she runs a site called Parenting Boys Peacefully. Tasha does a lot of work with families of boys who struggle with aggression.

To start, can you tell us—whether it’s boys or girls, though I know your work focuses mostly on boys—what does aggression have to do with executive function?

Well, the first thing that comes to mind is perception—our perception as parents. When we have a child who is acting aggressively—whether that’s hitting, talking back, spitting, or something else—we tend to come from a place of “they should know better.”

In other words, we expect them to differentiate between right and wrong in the heat of the moment. But that’s actually an executive function skill.

In reality, in that moment—even though the behavior feels offensive, embarrassing, or even terrifying—it’s really just another way of showing that the child is off track. It’s a signal that says, “I’m struggling.”

We need to remember that they are not in their thinking brain when they are acting aggressively, so we shouldn’t respond as if they are.

Right. When anyone is in an aggressive state, they’re operating from the amygdala—the fight, flight, or freeze response. Their nervous system is activated, they feel unsafe or threatened, and the executive function part of the brain—the prefrontal cortex—is not online.

So they’re not able to plan, organize, prioritize, or think logically and rationally. Yet we often speak to them as if they can—and that leads us into today’s topic: lecturing.

So let’s start here—why do we lecture? People do it all the time. Why?

I think we lecture because we don’t know what else to do. It’s also because we’re very word-based as adults.

For example, I’ll hear parents say, “My child told me he hates me,” or “He said he’ll never sit next to his sister again.” These words can feel like a punch to the heart. We take them very personally.

But I remind parents all the time—these are just words. This is just one way your child is communicating, and in that moment, it’s not even clear communication.

A better question is: what are the child’s behaviors showing us about how they’re feeling and what they’re capable of in that moment?

Exactly. We tend to get stuck in the story—the logic and reasoning we create around what’s happening—but that’s not the full picture.

So instead, we need to ask: what is this behavior telling me? What’s the signal here?

That’s a great place to start.

So when we fall into lecturing, do you want to add anything else about why we do it?

I think that’s really it. We do it because it’s familiar. It’s habit. It’s what we know.

And this shows up across the board with parents.

Absolutely. And often, lecturing goes hand-in-hand with punishing, isolating the child, or giving consequences for the aggressive behavior.

For example: “If you don’t stop right now, you’re not getting electronics later.”

Some parents also use reward charts, which may seem more positive, but they don’t necessarily help the child become more flexible or regulated in the moment that triggered the behavior.

So how do we stop lecturing? What can parents do instead?

I have a simple litmus test. Think about a child who hits his sister. Imagine you’re angry, the sister is crying, and you go to the child and say, “You know better than that. How dare you hit your sister?”

Now imagine a different moment—when you and your child are calm, maybe cuddling on the couch or reading before bed.

If you asked him then, “Is it okay to hit your sister?” what would he say?

Every parent tells me the same thing—he would say no.

So the issue isn’t that the child doesn’t know right from wrong. It’s not a lack of understanding or a moral problem.

What’s happening is that we’re misdiagnosing the problem. We think it’s about knowledge, but it’s not.

So we need to reframe and ask: what’s really going on?

Now, we don’t always need to figure out the exact reason. Sometimes there are clear triggers—like the start of the school year, a big transition, or even a bullying situation.

But most of the time, we don’t need all the details to start helping the child.

Right. So in the moment—when a parent realizes they’re lecturing and wants to stop—what can they actually do?

That’s a great question. One thing I like to suggest, which I learned from my mentor, is surprisingly simple: lie down on the floor.

Literally—just stop and lie down.

This does a few things. First, it shifts your physical position. You’re no longer towering over your child, which makes it harder to stay in that angry, overpowering state.

Second, it interrupts the pattern for your child. Suddenly, the adult they’re used to seeing in control is lying on the floor, which changes the energy of the moment and sparks curiosity.

It’s much harder to keep lecturing when you’ve changed your physical state like that.

That’s a great pattern interrupt.

So once we’ve shifted out of lecturing, and we’re trying to understand what’s underneath the behavior—are there common patterns you see?

Yes. Most often, it’s fear.

And that’s important, because it’s much easier to feel empathy for a child who is scared than for a child we perceive as rude or mean.

You might not know what they’re scared of—and sometimes you never will. But their brain is interpreting the situation as unsafe.

So instead of trying to “talk them down,” we want to “act them down.” We regulate ourselves, set loving limits, and help them feel safe.

That doesn’t mean allowing harmful behavior. We still need to keep everyone safe and set boundaries.

But we can do that with empathy, connection, and support.

Exactly. Anger and fear are deeply connected. When a child is acting aggressively, their nervous system is saying, “I’m not safe.”

Understanding that changes how we respond.

So I’ll share Tasha’s workshop and website—ParentingBoysPeacefully.com—if you want to learn more.

Tosha, any final thoughts?

Yes. If you’re a parent feeling hopeless—like nothing is working, and you’re scared about your child’s future—I want you to know there is hope.

There is so much you can do. And you are the perfect person to help your child.

No one else has your love, your connection, or your commitment.

So don’t give up. Your child needs you as their advocate—even when their behavior is hard.

We don’t have to defend the behavior, but we can always stand up for our kids.

Absolutely. Thank you so much, Tosha.

And thank you all for being here. Have a great day.