How to stop boy’s aggression?

Hey, what is up parents, teachers, therapists? It’s me, Seth from sethperler.com, executive function coach. I wear a lot of hats in the executive function world, and this is Tasha Shore, who specializes in parenting peacefully—especially around aggression with boys and related challenges.

What’s up, Tasha?

“I’m good—how are you?”

I’m excellent. I’m excited to chat with you today. For everybody watching, we’re going to share some ideas about what Tasha is seeing and hearing from her clients and families—especially around aggression in boys, and how the pandemic has impacted things over the past couple of years.

So, Tasha—what are you seeing after all this time? What’s happening with boys and aggression, and how does it relate to the pandemic?

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“Well, one thing I’m seeing is that there are a lot more fears than there were pre-pandemic. You might notice, for example, that boys are scared of things they weren’t before—like being in certain rooms alone or going to public places. It shows up in many different ways.

The thing about aggression that most people don’t understand is that it’s usually fear in disguise. So when these fears build up—especially if the adults around the child don’t recognize them as valid or don’t know how to help—the fear can turn into aggression.

That’s what I’m seeing. There’s definitely been an increase in parents reaching out, saying things like, ‘My kid is trying to punch me,’ or ‘He threw a remote at me when I told him to turn off the console.’ So yes, that’s what I’m seeing.”

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So if adults don’t recognize it as fear, what are they misunderstanding? How are they interpreting the situation?

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“You know, a lot of adults say things like, ‘My kid is misbehaving,’ or ‘What’s wrong with him?’ They might say, ‘What did I do wrong that he’s acting this way?’ Or even, ‘If he’s like this at five, what’s he going to be like at fifteen? Is he going to end up in jail?’

Parents are scared. They either blame themselves or think something is seriously wrong with their child. But I can tell you—99% of the time, neither is true.

What’s really happening is that there are hurts, fears, and upsets building up with nowhere to go. So they spill out as what we call “bad behavior.” But if we can shift our perspective and realize the child isn’t bad—he’s a sweet kid who’s struggling—we can access empathy.

Then we can ask ourselves: what can we do, as the adult with the fully developed brain, to show up differently and guide him toward better behavior?”

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That’s what I want to ask next—what can we do differently? But before that, I want to address a very real concern.

When parents say, “If my five-year-old is like this, what will he be like at fifteen?”—there’s a lot of fear there. So the question is: is there hope? Can things actually change over time?

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“Absolutely. I get emails all the time asking, ‘Is it too late?’ Just recently, someone asked if this would still work for their nine- and ten-year-olds.

The answer is a resounding yes. I’ve worked with parents of teenagers who’ve seen real change. It’s never too late.

It’s our job to advocate for our boys, to recognize that their aggression is a call for help. We need to look beneath the behavior and ask, ‘What’s really going on, and how can I support this child so he can show up differently?’”

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Perfect. And thank you for mentioning your work—Tasha does incredible work helping families create meaningful change.

Let’s wrap up with this: when you see real transformation—say, from age five to ten or fifteen—what are one or two key things parents do at the beginning that start to create change?

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“I would say one big thing is learning to move toward a child who is struggling, instead of isolating or punishing him. When parents do that, things can start to change very quickly—even within a day.

Another thing is using fewer words. When your child does something upsetting, instead of yelling, blaming, or trying to figure everything out in the moment, try being quiet. Just listen more and talk less.

If you feel like you need to say something, keep it very neutral—like, ‘I’m here,’ or ‘We’ll get through this.’ That helps break the sense of isolation and lets the child know you’re on their side.”

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I love that. And to build on that, Tasha and I are very aligned philosophically.

A few phrases I like to use are: “Wow, tell me more,” or “Keep going—I’m listening.” It creates space. Or you can say, “Wow, that sounds really hard. How can I help?”

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“I love those ideas. And I’ll add that many of the boys I work with aren’t talking much at all. So when you say ‘tell me more,’ they may not respond.

That’s why we focus on using fewer words and allowing emotional release. Behavior doesn’t improve through logical conversations—it improves when a child feels safe enough to release what’s inside.

When parents can stay calm, present, and loving—without shaming, blaming, or reacting—it helps the child regulate. And when the parent’s nervous system is calm, the child’s nervous system can calm down too.

But when parents are anxious, it can escalate the situation. So one of the most important things is helping parents trust that things will be okay and that they can support their child through this.”

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There’s so much here—we could go much deeper into how parents can regulate their own nervous systems.

But for now, I encourage you to check out Tasha’s work—we’ll link it below. She offers incredible resources, workshops, and support for families.

Again, my name is Seth from sethperler.com. I hope you’re having a fantastic day.

And as I always say, I want to wish you joy, peace, and most of all, connection and quality time with your kiddo.

Take care—we’ll see you in the next one.