Are You Your Kid’s ALARM CLOCK?!?!

Parents and teachers, you’ll like this one. But parents—if you’re your kid’s alarm clock, waking them up every morning and it’s getting old—this video is for you.

This video is based on a note I saw in the TEFOS Facebook group, which includes parents, teachers, and therapists. It really centers on this question: How do you let your child fail? When is the right time, and how do you do it safely?

I’m going to explore this and walk through several concepts so that, by the end, you’ll have a clear understanding of when to let kids “fail,” how to do it, and some strategies that really stand out from this example.

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Let’s start with the email from the group.

A parent wrote about “natural consequences.” One of their takeaways from the summit was to stop being their child’s executive function—as much as possible—and allow natural consequences to happen.

Here’s what happened.

Their daughter had an 8:00 a.m. class. Her alarm went off at 7:00 and again at 7:09—then silence. The parent had told her the night before: “I’ll give you a ride if you’re ready by 7:30, but after that, I have commitments.”

At 7:19, the parent started feeling anxious. At 7:24, irritated. They watched the clock tick down, reminding themselves not to “save” her. That was hard.

At 7:30, they felt a strange sense of relief—they were sticking to their word. But their daughter still wasn’t up. The parent left for work, unsure what would happen.

Later, they realized she had missed class.

When they got home, they calmly knocked on her door and said, “I noticed you weren’t up for class—what’s up?”

She responded: “I missed class because I didn’t wake up. But I emailed my professors, and they sent me the work to make up.”

The parent replied, “That sounds like a real problem—what do you think?” Then added, “Emailing your professors was a really smart way to handle it.”

They also offered to talk later about ideas for getting up on time.

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There is so much good in this example.

Let’s break down what worked, why it worked, and how you can apply it.

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### The core problem

This is really about failure.

When do we let kids fail? How do we let them fail safely?

Many parents say things like:
– “I’m rescuing my kid too much.”
– “I’m enabling too much.”
– “I’m helping, but it’s not actually helping.”

Others go too far in the opposite direction and don’t help enough.

In both cases, the intention is the same: to help. The real question is—is it actually helping?

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### The “gray zone”

To understand when to step in or step back, think about three zones:

1. Comfort zone
If you’re doing too much, kids stay comfortable. They don’t grow.

2. Threshold
If you push too far, they shut down. They withdraw, resist, or lie.

3. The gray zone
This is where growth happens—just outside the comfort zone, but not past the threshold.

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### Related concepts

These ideas all point to the same principle:

– Scaffolding: Meet them where they are and support from there.
– Zone of Proximal Development: The sweet spot for learning.
– Gradual Release of Responsibility: Slowly give them more control.

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### Key takeaways from the parent’s example

1. Natural consequences
Missing class and having to fix it themselves—that’s real learning.

2. “Don’t be your kid’s executive function”
Let them take ownership. That’s how they build skills.

3. Notice your own emotions
The parent felt anxious—but didn’t act on it.

This is huge. Often, we step in because we feel uncomfortable—not because it helps the child.

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### The power of letting go

The parent stuck to their word and felt relief.

This is what I’d call surrender—letting go instead of reacting.

And notice what happened: the child solved the problem independently.

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### The language matters

Instead of saying:
“Why weren’t you up?”

They said:
“I noticed you weren’t up—what’s up?”

That shift changes everything.

It reduces defensiveness and opens communication.

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### Powerful coaching questions

Instead of solving the problem, the parent asked:

“That sounds like a real problem. What do you think?”

This puts responsibility back on the child.

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### Reinforce what works

The parent said:
“That was a smart way to handle it.”

They noticed what the child did right.

This builds confidence and self-awareness.

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### Offer support—don’t force it

Instead of lecturing, the parent said:
“We can talk later if you want.”

That’s an invitation, not pressure.

Over time, this builds trust—and kids will start asking for help.

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### The deeper goal

This isn’t just about alarms or school.

It’s about helping kids:
– take responsibility
– build problem-solving skills
– feel safe and supported

And most importantly—it’s about the relationship.

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### Final thoughts

Letting kids “fail” safely is about balance.

Not rescuing. Not abandoning. But supporting them in that middle zone where growth happens.

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My name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach, and I help struggling students navigate education so they can have a good life.

If this resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you:

– Where do you feel stuck?
– What makes it hard to let go?
– What’s working for you?

Feel free to share your thoughts.

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Most of all—go connect with your kid.

Take care.