What to ask your child this Sunday

All right, what’s going on everybody? It’s Seth from SethPerler.com. Hope you’re having a good day.

Um, look, it is I got this piece of paper I took a couple notes for you, um, and I have this post which I am calling “What to say to your child this Sunday.” So tomorrow is Sunday, May uh 14, 2017.

And it really is down to the wire. So I have so many parents emailing me now, and everyone has like a different situation because they’re really struggling to figure out how to help their kids pull it off in the last minute.

Because these kids—uh, the kids that I work with—are classically the ones who really struggle um with executive function.

And this time of year is really hard because they’ve gotten behind and they’ve said, “Oh I got it, it’s gonna be okay, leave me alone, you know I got this, I’ll talk to my teachers, I’ll turn in the late work, whatever.”

But they’ve dug themselves a pit. School’s almost over and if they don’t figure it out they’re going to be failing classes, retaking classes in summer school, will be taking classes in fall, looking for makeup credit or whatever.

So anyhow, in an effort to avoid this, obviously parents are trying to do everything they can do.

So here’s what I have for you: what to say to your child this Sunday.

So this obviously this video is for you if you are a parent of a child who you’re worried about finishing this year.

As far as age is concerned, generally anything from fifth grade up—even college students—you can chat with them if they’re in this position.

So first thing is that what you’re going to do is you’re going to have a conversation with them.

And what you want to do first is you want to prep them for the conversation. You just don’t want to start the conversation.

You want to say, um, say something like:
“Hey we need to have a serious talk. I’m going to talk to you in about a half hour, four o’clock today, whatever it is.”

You’re going to tell them, look:
“We’re going to have a serious talk. I’m a little bit concerned. We’re going to be honest with each other and I need to chat with you. And you’re not in trouble. I love you. I care about you, but I need to know what’s going on.”

And then give it a rest. If they want to talk right then, fine.

But basically you want to give them time to mentally prepare because a lot of times they feel like things are sprung upon them and they don’t have time to think.

So you really want to let them be mentally prepared so that they feel like they’re not being attacked and they feel like they can be in the conversation in a more positive way.

So that’s the first thing you want to do.

Second thing that you want to do is you want to go through their online grades really carefully and you want to make a printout of everything that’s missing.

Now listen carefully parents—you’re not making this printout to make them feel guilty, to beat them up with it. You may not even be showing it to them.

But you are doing it so that you can grab everything that every detail that needs to be addressed. You can have it.

It’s not realistic that they’re going to do all the makeup work, okay? But to be able to have it in a positive way for them for reference is really good.

So you want to have everything printed and ready to go.

So usually what I’ll do is I’ll sort of grab each missing assignment from the different classes.

A lot of times kids will say, “Yeah my teacher won’t let me turn that in anymore.”

About 80% of the time that is not true.

So know that they might say that, but that does not mean that at this point in the year you should trust that.

So all right, so here we go.

Now you’re going to sit down with them and you’re starting your conversation with them.

So the dinner table, whatever is happening.

First thing you’re going to do when you start this conversation is you’re going to remove the distractions:
put the dog outside, turn off the cell phones, turn off the TV—whatever you need to do.

You want to honor this conversation.

Okay.

Number one—with the conversation—you sit down, always start with a positive:

“I love you. I care about you. I’m concerned. It’s the end of the year. You know it looks like you’re failing a couple classes. I really want to help.”

But I just want to tell you no matter what happens, I love you and I’m proud of you.

And the more specific you can be—“you know this year I’ve really noticed how you’ve done X, Y, and Z”—the more specific you can be the better.

So you always want to be very sincere in what you appreciate about your child.

So first of all start with something positive.

Next you’re going to say number two:
“What’s going on? What’s going on with school right now? You’re failing two classes—why? What’s up? Talk to me.”

Now you as the parent, you have to be emotionally regulated because you’re going to be doing what’s called co-regulating.

So if you show all your frustration, it’s going to co-regulate to them. They’re going to feel attacked, feel withdrawn, feel defensive, feel whatever.

But they’re going to reflect back to you whatever you’re putting out there.

So you’re going to want to really be regulated—in other words your nervous system is calm when you go to them, or you fake it as best you can, being as calm as you can.

Okay.

So you want to be like:
“I am concerned and I’m a bit frustrated. You may see that in my body language, but I’m really coming at you calm. I’m not angry with you. I just want to figure this out and help you.”

So you want to be real clear on that stuff.

So number two is that you’re going to ask what’s going on.

Number three—you want to make sure that they feel emotionally safe when they’re speaking.

I’m going to tell you how to do this.

So you’re going to say what’s going on, and they’re going to say:
“Oh nothing everything’s fine,” or “I’m struggling with this,” or “I just got something I’ve got to turn in tomorrow,” or “I’m almost done with X, Y, and Z.”

Whatever they tell you.

Even if you don’t believe them, or you know they’re not being realistic, or even if they’re avoiding it—they’re not saying anything—your job at the beginning of this conversation is to not respond.

So let’s say they say:
“Oh everything’s fine, I got it taken care of.”

You’re just going to go like this.

And that is called wait time.

And you don’t want to be sarcastic.

What you’re doing in that time, what you’re conveying to them, is that you’re giving them space.

Now what they’re going to do is they’re going to look at you and feel this gap, this void, and they’re going to start talking more.

They’ll either say:
“That’s it? What’s up?”

Or most likely they’ll start saying something more meaningful than their first reaction.

Because they need time to process what they’re trying to communicate.

And when you’re pausing like that, you’re giving them emotional safety.

You’re saying:
“I’m really listening to you. I’m here. I’m not distracted. I’m giving you space.”

That’s what you’re trying to convey.

So next part is giving them emotional safety, giving them wait time, really listening to them.

Now they’ll start talking.

And then your temptation is going to be to respond.

And I’m going to encourage you—don’t even respond.

Give wait time even after their second response.

So their first response is more of a reaction, their second will be more thought out, and their third I’m encouraging you still not to respond before that.

Wait for their third one and see what they say.

And that’ll either be more thought out or they’ll ask you to engage.

Now if they ask you to engage, that’s really good because then they’ve got a little bit of buy-in.

Okay next is buy-in and ownership.

So you want them to have buy-in and ownership. So they say a few things, and then you say to them:

“Cool, thank you for saying that to me. I appreciate that. I appreciate your honesty.”

Then ask:
“What do you want this semester? What do you want it to end like? What are your goals? Or what do you want your grades to be like?”

You’re just going to ask them some open-ended question like that.

So let’s say you say:
“So what do you want this semester?”

Now that question is not you telling them what you think they should want, but you’re giving them again the emotional safety to respond and tell you what they want.

Now if they say:
“Well I want to get all C’s or better. I just want to pass everything.”

Whatever they say, that at least gets them some ownership in the conversation and some ownership as to where they’re at.

If you’re dictating to them:
“You need to do this, you need to do that, this is what’s going on,”

then they’re going to feel defensive, they’re going to feel withdrawn, and they’re going to be less likely to do what they need to do.

Now just because you’re having this conversation I’m teaching you how to have doesn’t mean they’re going to do everything the way you hope, but it’s going to make it more likely.

Every single win you can get with your kid is a win. Every micro win is a win. And you have to understand that when working with these kids—you have to build upon these micro wins.

So don’t expect everything to be perfection.

All right.

So next, you’re trying to give them ownership by asking:
“What do you want this semester?”

They respond to you.

Again, you try to give them wait time, you try to really listen to what they want.

You can ask questions to go deeper into what they’re saying. You can say:
“Tell me more about that.”

That’s a great one to follow up with—just very open-ended.

“Well I want to get all C’s.”
“Cool, tell me more.”
“Well that’s it.”
“Cool, tell me a little bit more. I’m just trying to understand.”

Okay.

Next, you’ve asked them what they want and they said they want all C’s or whatever they want.

Now you say:
“What do you need in order to get that?”

And again, you pause. You be quiet. You listen to them.

And they’re not going to have an accurate idea of what they need. They’re overwhelmed. They don’t have great executive function. They don’t know how to manage time. They don’t know how to manage tasks.

But you want to help draw out of them what they think they need.

Now if they’re telling you:
“Well I need to go to office hours. I need to finish my English paper. I need to study for this test. I need to print up a study guide,”

they’re probably not going to be that detailed.

But if they are telling you things like that, they’re taking some ownership of it. You’re not the one dictating—and that’s really important.

Now you can write these things down for them. You can say:
“Can I write that down for you and keep a list for you?”

And of course they’re often resistant, so they might say no, or you might just jot it down anyway.

Now that you’ve asked:
“So what do you need to do that?”

and they say:
“I need to do X, Y, and Z,”

you say:
“Cool, how can I help?”

And then wait and see what they say.

Of course their initial reaction is probably going to be:
“What? Yeah I got this, mom, dad, I got it, leave me alone, I’m good, don’t worry. I’m going to talk to my teacher tomorrow, I’m going to email them, I’ve got it.”

That’s going to be their initial reaction.

But you’re just going to stay there and keep waiting.

If they don’t say anything, then you’re going to say:
“Okay, is there anything I could do? If there was something I could do, what would it be?”

And you’re going to see if they will allow you to help in some way.

At this point, you can start offering help.

So you say:
“I’ve got to be honest with you…”

So you’re going to tell them whatever your truth is.

“I’ve got to be honest with you, I’m not convinced you’re going to turn that in tomorrow based on your tracker,”

or

“I’m really concerned you’re probably not going to talk to your teacher tomorrow.”

“I really want to be helpful.”

So you’re saying:
“I’ve got to be honest with you…”

Now you say:
“Look, can I offer you this? Can I give you a list of all the things that are missing? Do you want it?”

If they say no, you say:
“Okay cool, I’ll leave it in the kitchen if you want it. It’ll be there.”

You can also say:
“Can I help you edit anything? Can I help you update your planner? Can I help you organize your backpack?”

So now you can start offering specific help.

At first, you had to get them to have buy-in, but now you can give them specific ideas.

And if one of them works, go with it. That’s your entryway—the door is a little bit open for you to try to help them through this process.

Next one was:
“I made a list for you. Do you want it?”

And then you’re going to end the conversation.

To end the conversation, what I want you to do is, in the same way you started, end on a positive note.

Say:
“No matter what, I love you. I care about you. I’m here for you, and I’ll help you any way I can. I know I’m not always perfect at this, but I’m here for you.”

Now I made a printout for you on my website. You can cut and paste it, you can print the blog post—I don’t care what you do—but it’s there just to guide you through these steps.

It’s just going to be bullets. You can improvise while you go.

But basically, here’s what it says. That’s what I just went over.

I’ll go over it one more time:

First thing you want to do is prep them for the conversation:
“Hey I need to have an honest talk with you.”

Then you’re going to print their assignments and get it all organized so you can see what needs to be done.

Then you start with a positive:
“I love you, I’m concerned.”

Then you ask:
“What’s going on?”

Then wait time and emotional safety—making sure they feel safe to respond.

Then you try to get ownership:
“What do you want this semester? What’s your goal?”

Then:
“What gets in the way of that?”

Then:
“How can I help?”

Then:
“I made a list for you—do you want it?”

And then you end the conversation on a positive note.

You know what, I love you, I care about you, no matter what happens I’m here for you.

And you just want to be as regulated as you can.

Have a heart-to-heart. You don’t have to be in this let-go mode all the time, but for this conversation just restrain yourself.

If this is hard for you, that’s okay—this is very challenging for a lot of parents because it’s emotional and you know the consequences if your child is not doing what they need to do, and if they’re creating lifelong habits of this stuff.

So you are legitimately concerned.

But for the purpose of this conversation, you want to hold back and end on that positive note.

Let it go for the night.

Anyhow, that’s what I encourage you to do.

I hope this is helpful to you.

And if you want, feel free to print it off my site, leave a comment on my site if you like this or if you have ideas or thoughts.

And I’ll see you next week.

Take care.