Executive Function advice to my younger self (parents on how to help their kids)
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Below is a post using your experience so we can help others based on this question. I have enjoyed reading your excellent responses and the honest vulnerability you shared. Thank you for taking the time! -Seth
THE QUESTION FOR PARENTS:
“Knowing what I now know about Executive Function, what key advice would I give to my younger self about how to support my child with executive function challenges?” (teachers, feel free to chime in here as well and adapt it to your situation)
I’m very excited about this post! Below are responses from YOU to help other parents through learning about your experience. We have over 25,000 followers around the world, and to add your voice,click here to send me your response before March 1, 2020 and I will add it. You can be brief or detailed. For your anonymity, I will not use your name in the blog, but I will use the details you provide for context (for example, if you wrote “the dad of 7th grader with ADHD” etc..).
RESPONSES: “I would want to help the child to put their executive function in the context of all they are good at, and the struggles they face rather than feeling they are lazy or stupid. I’d work on my own self-regulation too.” “I have always had a tendency to do things for my oldest son who struggles with executive functioning skills. Knowing what I do now, I would have modeled the behavior more and done less for him starting at a younger age so that he would have had more time to practice the skills. He’s a successful college freshman today, but we talk a lot about what he should be doing to manage his time, prioritize his work and accomplish all that needs to be done in the course of a semester. He’s getting there but could have been further along had we started sooner and practiced much more often.” “(A) Being patient (B) Rather than fretting accept the issues, apply different strategies. You fail, do not give up. You try again and again (C) Do not judge, do not do things for them (D) Some days it works, some days things do not work. Reflect what worked and why… Never feel bad that why things are not working (E) Read and expand your knowledge (F) Work on their strengths.” “I would’ve advocated harder for quality over quantity for all school work and spent much more time building up my son’s self-esteem.” “Excellent question! I’m commenting so I get reminded to come back when my migraine goes away.” “I would tell my younger self to look in the mirror instead of my child. Through his pain and suffering, I realized that I suffered the same EF issues and would have worked on my own issues to model for him. Maybe he would have been spared of all the hurtful things I said because of my own ignorance. I would also tell myself that I don’t have to be perfect. Trying my best and admitting my mistakes and making an honest effort to be better was more meaningful to him than telling him what to do. I would be more forgiving of my mistakes so I can model resilience for him instead of disappointment in myself which he internalized. I should have also acted on my instinct when I saw something amiss when he was 10 and waited 3 years to do something about it. In spite of all these, I am thankful for these experiences as it helped him and I grow but I didn’t see it then.” “As a teacher and parent, I would say to start instilling EF strategies in the earlier years to make it a way of life. Once you understand what you need and it is in place to successfully get through each day then you can naturally integrate things into your life and support each other as a family…we all have different EF strengths and weaknesses and learning early on that this is not a fault but just who we are will create a more positive way of handling the day to day….” “When things get tough, let go of your agenda, and connect with your child. Listen to them to understand where they are at emotionally, without trying to fix things. Just provide a space for them to vent their frustrations, feel heard, and know that you are there for them.” “(1) Telling my earlier self that it is not going to get better but worse, don’t wait to see what happens (2) Don’t trust the school to do what he needs because they won’t, they may be the experts but it doesn’t mean they will do what it takes without your pushing.” “(1) I wish my younger self knew that there was nothing wrong with my child. I wish I knew differently wired kids were a gift in themselves and have a gift for the world and didn’t need to be fixed. I loved fiercely but in my heart, I felt like a failure and I was afraid for my child. I know I was the cause of his early setbacks. (2) I wish I knew about the amygdala and how to overcome the stress response through mindfulness. I wish I would have practiced mindfulness myself and with my child from the very start. I can only imagine how different today would be if these two things were true. Yet, I am so thankful for the journey that has finally brought me to this point today. We still have a long road ahead but he’ll be ok, we’ll both make it, I’m not afraid anymore and life is so sweet. Thanks for the opportunity to share.” “I definitely would have been a better model to my son and been more understanding of his deficits. However, sitting here really reflecting, I recognized his struggles I communicated my frustrations with teachers, professionals (doctors) but I got flimsy answers: a boy thing, boys do not mature as fast as girls.. spank him, take his electronics away.. so all this things I tried but clearly was not working .. as embarrassing as it is to say it only been about 1 1/2 year since I’ve discovered executive function deficiency in relationships to ADHD.. and once I connected it was such a relief that I could put a name to it.. but here is where you get into trouble by learning and wanting to implement everything at once and then getting overwhelmed.. because you want to play catch-up.. but once you realize you have to go slow, you see the slow transformation, and you see the rewards and benefits… it’s a wonderful feeling on both sides… sorry if that’s a little lengthy, but the role EF plays in ADHD is not really identified in my county.. so I feel I lost so much time… I wish I would have had the knowledge years ago…” “A teacher I respected suggested a specific EF coach for my son, so I took him to her when he was about eleven. She had him doing some useful things, like gathering ingredients and following the steps in recipes. But I felt that he needed more specific, focused help with organizational skills and study habits. It was a tough decision—general life skills or specific skills to help him survive school? When I told the EF coach we were leaving, she said in a voice that let me know how much she disapproved, “I hope you know what you’re doing,” and I replied with a heartfelt and shaky “So do I.” It was one of the best decisions I ever made for my son. He’s a junior now, and I don’t know how he would be getting by without the coach/tutor he has now. So listen up, younger self: trust your instincts, you know your child better than anyone.” “And I would have done a lot more research a lot earlier about the laws and my rights. I was asking in the wrong way for so many years and getting denied for an IEP. When you know what your rights are and understand the process they have a harder time saying no. And that there are endless resources for advocates, moderators, facilitators, etc. who you can call on for free to help you on your journey.” Please CLICK below to share
RESPONSES: “I would want to help the child to put their executive function in the context of all they are good at, and the struggles they face rather than feeling they are lazy or stupid. I’d work on my own self-regulation too.” “I have always had a tendency to do things for my oldest son who struggles with executive functioning skills. Knowing what I do now, I would have modeled the behavior more and done less for him starting at a younger age so that he would have had more time to practice the skills. He’s a successful college freshman today, but we talk a lot about what he should be doing to manage his time, prioritize his work and accomplish all that needs to be done in the course of a semester. He’s getting there but could have been further along had we started sooner and practiced much more often.” “(A) Being patient (B) Rather than fretting accept the issues, apply different strategies. You fail, do not give up. You try again and again (C) Do not judge, do not do things for them (D) Some days it works, some days things do not work. Reflect what worked and why… Never feel bad that why things are not working (E) Read and expand your knowledge (F) Work on their strengths.” “I would’ve advocated harder for quality over quantity for all school work and spent much more time building up my son’s self-esteem.” “Excellent question! I’m commenting so I get reminded to come back when my migraine goes away.” “I would tell my younger self to look in the mirror instead of my child. Through his pain and suffering, I realized that I suffered the same EF issues and would have worked on my own issues to model for him. Maybe he would have been spared of all the hurtful things I said because of my own ignorance. I would also tell myself that I don’t have to be perfect. Trying my best and admitting my mistakes and making an honest effort to be better was more meaningful to him than telling him what to do. I would be more forgiving of my mistakes so I can model resilience for him instead of disappointment in myself which he internalized. I should have also acted on my instinct when I saw something amiss when he was 10 and waited 3 years to do something about it. In spite of all these, I am thankful for these experiences as it helped him and I grow but I didn’t see it then.” “As a teacher and parent, I would say to start instilling EF strategies in the earlier years to make it a way of life. Once you understand what you need and it is in place to successfully get through each day then you can naturally integrate things into your life and support each other as a family…we all have different EF strengths and weaknesses and learning early on that this is not a fault but just who we are will create a more positive way of handling the day to day….” “When things get tough, let go of your agenda, and connect with your child. Listen to them to understand where they are at emotionally, without trying to fix things. Just provide a space for them to vent their frustrations, feel heard, and know that you are there for them.” “(1) Telling my earlier self that it is not going to get better but worse, don’t wait to see what happens (2) Don’t trust the school to do what he needs because they won’t, they may be the experts but it doesn’t mean they will do what it takes without your pushing.” “(1) I wish my younger self knew that there was nothing wrong with my child. I wish I knew differently wired kids were a gift in themselves and have a gift for the world and didn’t need to be fixed. I loved fiercely but in my heart, I felt like a failure and I was afraid for my child. I know I was the cause of his early setbacks. (2) I wish I knew about the amygdala and how to overcome the stress response through mindfulness. I wish I would have practiced mindfulness myself and with my child from the very start. I can only imagine how different today would be if these two things were true. Yet, I am so thankful for the journey that has finally brought me to this point today. We still have a long road ahead but he’ll be ok, we’ll both make it, I’m not afraid anymore and life is so sweet. Thanks for the opportunity to share.” “I definitely would have been a better model to my son and been more understanding of his deficits. However, sitting here really reflecting, I recognized his struggles I communicated my frustrations with teachers, professionals (doctors) but I got flimsy answers: a boy thing, boys do not mature as fast as girls.. spank him, take his electronics away.. so all this things I tried but clearly was not working .. as embarrassing as it is to say it only been about 1 1/2 year since I’ve discovered executive function deficiency in relationships to ADHD.. and once I connected it was such a relief that I could put a name to it.. but here is where you get into trouble by learning and wanting to implement everything at once and then getting overwhelmed.. because you want to play catch-up.. but once you realize you have to go slow, you see the slow transformation, and you see the rewards and benefits… it’s a wonderful feeling on both sides… sorry if that’s a little lengthy, but the role EF plays in ADHD is not really identified in my county.. so I feel I lost so much time… I wish I would have had the knowledge years ago…” “A teacher I respected suggested a specific EF coach for my son, so I took him to her when he was about eleven. She had him doing some useful things, like gathering ingredients and following the steps in recipes. But I felt that he needed more specific, focused help with organizational skills and study habits. It was a tough decision—general life skills or specific skills to help him survive school? When I told the EF coach we were leaving, she said in a voice that let me know how much she disapproved, “I hope you know what you’re doing,” and I replied with a heartfelt and shaky “So do I.” It was one of the best decisions I ever made for my son. He’s a junior now, and I don’t know how he would be getting by without the coach/tutor he has now. So listen up, younger self: trust your instincts, you know your child better than anyone.” “And I would have done a lot more research a lot earlier about the laws and my rights. I was asking in the wrong way for so many years and getting denied for an IEP. When you know what your rights are and understand the process they have a harder time saying no. And that there are endless resources for advocates, moderators, facilitators, etc. who you can call on for free to help you on your journey.” Please CLICK below to share