How to get teenager to be more receptive to the help her parents are trying to give her?
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This video is based on the following parent email: “I subscribed to your blog last week. I found you in my efforts to find resources to help my 17-year old daughter. Based on what I have read, she is asynchronously developed, and has executive function challenges-deal with. She has been difficult and defiant since she was 15. She won’t take instructions from me and my husband. Can you provide some advice on how to get a teenager like her to recognize/accept she has challenges and be more receptive to the help her parents are trying to give her?”
Here I explain the 3 elements needed for change, how students are resistant, how the nervous system is involved in this issue, why the relationship is key and HOW to rebuild the relationship so your child will be able to grow through this more effectively.
I also mention:
The Executive Function Online Summit for parents: https://executivefunctionsummit.com/
Stuart Shanker’s upcoming, amazing program (he was one of our awesome TEFOS speakers) https://self-reg.ca/
The book The Self-Driven Child by Stixrud and Johnson, 2 of our TEFOS speakers http://www.theselfdrivenchild.com/
My programs that may help https://sethperler.com/offerings-2/
Check it out on my blog here: https://sethperler.com/blog/
Love my work and want to give? Click here! To support me, please CLICK at the bottom to share. Click here to visit my official YouTube Channel & subscribe if you want! Thank you — Seth
Reading the transcript? Great! We’re currently uploading hundreds of transcripts so you can read them asap, but they are NOT all edited yet. This is a big process. If you notice anything wrong and want to help us, feel free to click this Google Form to share it. Thanks so much for pitching in! – Seth
Love my work and want to give? Click here! To support me, please CLICK at the bottom to share. Click here to visit my official YouTube Channel & subscribe if you want! Thank you — Seth
Reading the transcript? Great! We’re currently uploading hundreds of transcripts so you can read them asap, but they are NOT all edited yet. This is a big process. If you notice anything wrong and want to help us, feel free to click this Google Form to share it. Thanks so much for pitching in! – Seth
Video transcript:
You are a parent of a student who struggles with executive functioning your child is resistant to your help and you’re trying to help them and give them advice and help him have a better life and they don’t want it this video. My name is Dad. For what I, I’m an executive function coach beiste Boulder Colorado and I have to start working soon as navigate this thing called school and I have the email here from one of my subscribers here. It says I subscribe to your blog last week. I found you in my efforts to find resources to help my 17 year old daughter based on what I have read on your site. She is asynchronously developed as executive function challenges. She’s been difficult and defiant since she was fifteen. She won’t take instructions from me and my husband. Can you provide some advice on how to get a teenager like her to recognize / except that she has challenges and be more receptive to the helper pay Friends are trying to give her so that is a great great email that a lot of families are struggling with the same sort of thing. So I’m going to unpack this for you right here. I’m going to go over the email and I’m packed some key terms in the in this parents thinking and then I’m going to give you some solutions and inside so that you guys can better help your your kids. If you are in the sort of a situation first of all, she mentioned that her daughter is asynchronously developed. If you haven’t heard that term what that means is that we we like to imagine that most kids are developed or developing at it within developmental Norms. So for example, a 5th grader would be at 5th grade level in math and science in reading and writing but also in terms of maturity and social personality social characteristics and things like that. So anyhow, we like to imagine that there at Bass lines at different levels, but asynchrony means that kids develop very differently. So you may I have a student for example, who is in fifth grade who is doing High School level math, but whose handwriting is like a second grader because of fine motor issues or what-have-you or you might have a student who is in fifth grade who can have super high level deep adult conversations with you about certain topics particularly topics within their interest areas, for example, if they’re interested in animals and and they really are or whatever they’re interested in music whatever that thing is super high level stuff, but when it comes to them for them not getting their way, they’re so immature so their 5th grader, but their maturity level in certain areas is really low. So any means that they’re not synchronously developing their variates synchronously developing and some kids develop very asynchronously. They were really high highs really low lows things in the middle. They’re all over the place. So it makes it very difficult to work. And especially if you know, we are in a an outdated school system Paradigm where we think that we can just run kids through certain grade certain curriculum at certain levels in if they were to do that thing than they should be at the next level on just stuff that doesn’t work when it comes down to reality for most kids. The next thing this person says that she has executive function challenges. That means that she’s struggling to manage time to stay organized to get things turned and she has a lot of missing is incomplete slate work. Doesn’t know how to study or doesn’t study. So anyhow, anything that’s related to this kid executing on the tasks that need to be done for their life. They’re starting to ask you to get the things done that need to get done and then it says she’s been difficult in defiance and she was fifteen and we’ll talk about the Defiance just in a very actually I say that out the I mention that a moment and she won’t take instructions from me and my husband are most of the kids that I work with it. I want to hear advice or instructions from their parents. First of all, and the other thing is is when we think about us is that also do you take instructions from your husband does your husband take instruction from you? Do we have that always like to take instructions from other people to be like to be told what to do or directed or told you you need to be doing something this way and with the only time we do for example in this email you said can you provide some advice you’re asking me for help if I go to a doctor and I asked the doctor for help then I’m I’m more likely to take their advice if I go to my parents and ask them for help if I go to somebody guitar teacher and ask them for help in learning how to play better or something like I’m asking for it. So I have ownership and I have buying in that process. So but if somebody just tells me hey, you should do things this way and that way then I don’t want that most of us, I think don’t or we only do if it’s somebody that we really have that sort of a relationship with so I will explain why that matters in just a moment and then I love how you say to get her advice on how to get a teenager like her to recognize and accept that she has challenges. That’s a really good question. That’s a really good question. And that’s where that’s how I’ll dress that and be more receptive to help her parents. I like how you frame that to be more receptive to you and your husband helping her. She doesn’t have to be fully receptive. But can we get the ball rolling in a different direction where she’s willing to accept something and go from there? That’s what I like your frame that shows me that you understand that this is a process. It’s not just an overnight, you know quick fix thing and I’m really glad to hear that you framed it that way. Anyhow, so here we go. The first thing we want understand we’re trying to help the kid like this is that Thursday and the bee the a is that we are a parent or teacher or could even be a student but there is a usually for the adults in this kid’s life. There is a sense of worry and anxiety and concern that this It doesn’t figure these things out the kids not going to be okay. They’re not going to be able to have these choices in life and the possibilities in the opportunities to in their future life to be able to create a fantastic future that they’re really going to struggle with things like career things like relationships things like paying bills and financial stability. And this is that there are very very very real consequences. If we have the kid doesn’t figure out how to ask you how to regulate emotion how to overcome their own resistance to doing things that need to get done. So and point B is the point where the teacher of the coach for the therapist or the parents can breathe a sigh of relief and go but we feel like this kids going to be okay, they’ve got enough tools so they have a good enough excitement. You’re not perfect but it’s good enough my kids going to be okay. So that’s where we’re trying to get you from point A to point B in the kid. Ideally is wanting the other two that they are at a point where they’re not they want to be independent from you from the parent. They want to have a good life and want to have a good future. They want to have opportunities. They may not be able to articulate that but they do want to have a good life and point B is where the kids like, you know what my life’s not perfect but I got this I can accomplish my goals in life. I can do what I want to do. I can go for a things. I can challenge myself. I can go through things that are difficult and hard and I can overcome them and work through them and Ingrosso is a person. You know what that’s what’s so that’s where they were there a way to be as you know, at one point they’re kind of chaotic and they they don’t really have much Direction and that point be there like, you know what I mean not know exactly what I want to do, but I have a toolbox build a tool that I know how to use to get me there to accomplish my goals in life. So that’s the a to be at 1 to talk about Parent when I am taking a student that I’m working with from A to B, and I’m working with him as a coach. There are three elements to creating that transformative experience for your child. So when I do the coach you do as parents we do is Teacher’s Week we do is it so this is how I break it down to me. There are three elements that you need one. Your child needs systems systems for planting systems for organization systems for checking their portal for advocating. It needs systems to they need mines that mindset that say, you know what my parents May frustrate me sometimes but I can relate to them and I can work with them and I can learn from them and and you know, we have a good relationship. I know they’re there for me I bug them they bug me but it’s good. It’s the way of mind, you know school is hard, but I can figure it out. I can get help I can learn I can grow, you know, but we tend to have a disease resistance Minds SSA. I can’t this is stupid. Why do I have to do this? I don’t want to this isn’t fun. I give up. I hate this my teachers hate me. The kids had me on this is too hard. So those sorts of resistance mindsets and then that’s what creates procrastination and putting things off. Often lack of motivation and think and in that it impedes executive function that impedes execution that prevent us from being unable to execute on things that where we are planting seeds for our own future well-being if we are resistant and we can’t do those things then then that it interferes with them so fat that systems with that mindset that are positive and we have to have habits and routines. I won’t have it then routine together, but we have had half that study habits sleep habits exercise habits habits that help us to live optimally and to get things done. So I’m taking some ready to be those are the three elements that I’m trying to help with know what I want to mention next. It is with the mind that one in particular your child’s mindset is I don’t want help from my parents. My parents over want me they bug me. They won’t leave me alone. They’re always on my back and this isn’t what you said in the email, but this is I hear over and over so I know that this is probably the type of things that parents are going through this or hearing they hear it so much but so those sorts of things so there’s this resistance mindset and you if you’re in this type of a situation with your child, you have to deal with the mindset of resistance to allowing you into their life. Now, how do you deal with that mindset? It’s not easy. It’s not quick. It requires a lot on the part of the parents a lot of patience on the part of the parents because this is not an overnight matter. There is healing that has to be done in most cases and I’ll explain that in a moment. How do we build the relationship? How do we get your kid to trust you to allow? You doubt that me of this child you love and care about you mean the world to you and they won’t accept your help. How do we build how do we help their nervous system? Calm down. How do we help their mindset their minds that the resistance to change so that your relationship changes and you can help them. well the way that we do that is through the relationship. And through co-regulation and through the nervous system your child’s resistance to you helping them. What’s really happening forget about the story? What’s happening? Is that your child? When you’re trying to help them isn’t feeling in their body Ori can get help from this person. This is safe. They’re feeling their body. This is unsafe. Get away from you fight flight or freeze in this is hard. I think for parents to hear that your child’s nervous system is triggered by you your words and your nervous system. This is not the blame you this is to help I’m telling you this to help you understand what’s going on in the body so you can help your child. This isn’t about shaming you the parents are making you feel guilty or feeling like you’re not a good enough parent fact that parents asked these questions is awesome and it shows a parent who wants to learn and grow and be a better parent so, you know what to do. This is not to feel guilty or anything, but your child’s nervous system has triggers. So you say something. Hey, what’s up with this? Why’d you get a zero or we watch? Let me help you. Can I please help you? I can you know, I can and then Dubai their nervous system shutdown, they feel constriction. They feel fight flight or freeze. They feel get away from me. I don’t want your help. I want to be independent. I want to be an adult. I want you to trust me. So they’re feeling these feelings and even though you’re on their side, they’re not able to see it. The stuff so what use the parent want to do is deal with the relationship and it is a long slow journey and you have to change now you’ve had with 15:17. You have to change the nature of your relationship where your child’s nervous system isn’t triggered by the things that you say it takes a long time. You guys are going to heal you’re going to have to build trust again in certain areas. You’re going to have to learn to communicate differently. You’re going to have to learn to perceive your child differently. You’re going to have to learn to focus on their strength. If you look at my usual YG course are some of my videos on the 3 2 1 rule you had your child feels like all you do is notice the negative. They feel like they can’t win. They feel like they can’t do anything, right? They feel like you never see what they do. Well, they feel like you don’t see their efforts they fit it feels daunting. It feels overwhelming. Okay, so you have to understand what’s going on in your child’s body. They’re feeling in their body. You come to try to help them. They’re feeling I do not even want you near me right now is what they’re feeling and it’s not you it’s not that they don’t love you or anything like that. It’s that they’re nervous system feels unsafe. They’ve been trying to do the right thing the right way. They’ve been working really hard for years, but they don’t fit in the box and it’s getting really old for them. They put so much energy by this time to 17 to try to fit in the boxes and to try to be what everybody expects them to be and they just can’t live up to it. They’re just not perfect. So they’re grappling with identity their grappling with changing body. They’re grappling with social pressures and there but they’re grappling with the pressures from school from you and it feels very / 1 So your objective parents what you want to do it again. This is not going to change it overnight. And I think that’s one of the hardest things that this pain take time is you want to change the nature of your Communication in your relationship with your child so that your child feels emotionally safe to be vulnerable with you to accept your help. So we want your help and let me stop right here until your parents. This can change. I see it all the time. I see it with the families. I work with all the time. It’s not easy. It’s not overnight. It does take time. But what you your objective is to help them feel safe change the true relationship your objective is to get it from where it’s going now and it’s on a down slope to get it on nip slip even if it’s only going on a 2% grade upslope. That’s what you want. Okay, even if it feels like it’s two steps forward and 1.9 steps back. That’s what you want. You want to change the direction of where this relationship is going now. to the hard part the even harder part How do you do that? One thing you might want to do is get it out there get a coach get a tutor can a mentor get an older kid that your kid just likes to hang out with and get a teacher get somebody to get an aunt or an uncle or somebody that is not you the parent to help your child recognize that their challenges in that it’s okay and that we all have them but get somebody that’s not you first of all. second of all You if you want to change the nature of your relationship with a child and help your child nervous system, feel safe and understand that you’re on their team you the parent have to change you. I think that’s very hard for people to because the older we get the more set in her ways. We are and the more we really have very firm beliefs and and sometimes less flexible. We are one like I don’t need help. I don’t need a therapist. I don’t need a counselor. I don’t need to read books on self-development. I don’t need to go to, but that is what we need to do. So my challenge my Big John Studd you parents is change. You learn more about your nervous system learn more about your triggers learn more about your boundaries learn more about the messages that you got as a child that you don’t agree with or that you do agree with him. What you really believe in what you really think so often I think is that all that we just take for granted that things are the way they are and we forget that it’s In time for us to develop the police we have they didn’t just appear we were taught them or we were influenced by certain things that causes to bleed and now have to challenge. Our beliefs is what we believe true. Like I think about you know, for example who the person who wrote this letter, you know, you have this sweet little child, you know, you imagine what it’s going to be like to be a parent and now you’re like this is not what I signed up for being a parent, you know, I thought I was going to be more our white picket fence Happy Happy Joy Joy, but that that’s not real life for a lot of families in in the most important thing in a relationship. So Next thing I said is you got to do your own deep in her work get your own therapist. It is the best investment. You can ever make there’s nothing wrong with you. That’s a sign of strength. If you go to a therapist or counselor, you say I need some help go to a family therapist with your kid. Yes cost money. So what lots of things cost money to invest in this this is the most important thing in your life is your relationship with yourself in that people that are closest to you. So investing money and a specialist who helps people have better relationships and better quality of life is the best investment. You can never make it. So for those of you who think that therapy is for weak people or stuff like that that is not reality at all. So go ahead and get help. Why not? That’s weakness not getting help. Read books. Here’s one for you. This is the we had a exact function online Summit recently. I would link that about it just cuts off during trial. These were two of the Authors on the summit but this I got this book for all the families. I’m working with locally because it’s fantastic. So get some great books on the stuff in the post executive function online. Some of that we just said you can still purchase that Summit the replays and at all these bonuses with the summit but there was a lot of The Specialist and executive function on that Summit talks about the relationship in the nervous system. There’s so much great information on there like listen to all those And listen to podcast about parenting get into Facebook groups or local support groups or whatever. So and Stuart Shanker who is one of our speakers on TiVo the executive function on my stomach Stuart Shanker he He has a new program coming out in November that you might look into a link to that blows. Well, so anyhow, that was very in-depth and I hope that that helps you do not give up this stuff works your kid wants to do. Well, they just don’t have the tools to be able to know how to relate to you be to be able to navigate executive function. They feel a lot of pressure. Their body is feeling a lot of over while they’re nervous system is just trying to stay safe and they feel attacked. It’s not you it’s not your fault. It just is but learning all about that in building. The relationship is where it’s at. It’s going to take you awhile. I would guess it’s going to probably take you a good six weeks to two months to sort of really get a good hook hair and start to turn it around where it’s not going down anymore, but it’s going up your relationship in your communication. And everything but that’s where it starts and you cannot believe me. You can go look for other quick fixes or things like that. But I am telling you this is the roadmap. These are the things you need an online program you gyg that striped tells you all about a lot of these things in terms of how I coach kids, but we can check that out. There’s so many good resources out there. Anyhow, my name is Seth Perler. What’s up, bro. Com executive function coach based out of Boulder Colorado and I help struggling students navigate this thing called education. Go ahead if you like what I’m doing to me a thumbs-up And subscribe on YouTube and subscribe to my blog share my work if you like what I’m doing. I really want to help people all over the world understanding that can function more so that we can help these kids. Have a great life. Take care. I will see you soon.