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Parents, a lot of the parents that I work with want to learn how to stop coddling, rescuing, enabling their child because they know that it’s not working, they are not listening or accepting our help, AND it often makes things worse because their relationship gets strained and the child can experience “learned helplessness” where they do not know how to problem solve on their own. Here I go DEEP into how to change the conversation so you can better support your child.

Leave a comment with your thoughts below.

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🙏 Thanks! — Seth

Parents and teachers, Pills Don’t Teach Skills is a term used to describe how important it is to help teach students the EF SKILLS they need to learn, and how medication can help, but it’s not magic. Here I tell you the key ideas that I think will help you help the students you care about.

🎦 YouTube: Visit my official YouTube channel here. Subscribe, like & comment to support my work.  
👉 Share: To support me, please *CLICK* at the bottom to share on FB or Pinterest.
✏️ EF101: Here’s my jumpstart course for parents and teachers.
💚 Give: Love my work and want to donate?
🙏 Thanks! — Seth

Look parents and teachers, we’ve got some real problems right now. Here I detail some of the big concerns I am hearing about and explore what we can do to support everyone better.

🎦 YouTube: Visit my official YouTube channel here. Subscribe, like & comment to support my work.  
👉 Share: To support me, please *CLICK* at the bottom to share on FB or Pinterest.
✏️ EF101: Here’s my jumpstart course for parents and teachers.
💚 Give: Love my work and want to donate?
🙏 Thanks! — Seth

Video Transcript: Click here to download the transcript PDF.

Nope, no, no, no, no, no. This is not working. This is not working for kids who struggle with executive functions. So for a lot of our kids, a lot of our neurodiverse kids, this is not working, school is not working, it’s not working. And people who’re suffering and getting punished the most are the kids. Let me explain. Hey, what’s up, my name is Seth Perler. What’s up parents and teachers? I am an executive function coach and my life’s work is to help struggling students navigate this thing called education so that they can have a great life,. But not at the expense of not having good life now not having good childhood so that and hope someday they jump through the right hoops that the system deems the best hoops to jump through that they’re going to be happy someday, When they can have a good quality of life now and a good quality of life as an adult. So in this video, here, I’m going to talk to you about this problem. You parents and teachers, I want you to walk away from this video having some clarity. I don’t know everything, but I want to give you a very clear picture of some of the concerns that I’m having so that you might have a more clear picture, and might feel validated in how you are feeling about things right now. And thus, so that you can take action that feels right for you. So I’m going to talk about two things. One is the problem, the other is the solution. Get ready to take notes on this video, because you might want to be writing your schools, your school districts, or your superintendents, or people so that you can make the ruckus that needs to be made for our kids.

There’s a saying by Steve Jobs. It’s a quote, he says, “I’ve looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, if today were the last day of my life, what I want to do what I’m about to do today? And whenever the answer has been ‘No’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.” For too many days in a row, you and me, parents, teachers, we are looking in the mirror asking ourselves, you know if today was the last day, would we want to do what we’re doing? And what we’re doing to help kids is not working. And we all feel it. And we all know it. And that is because we are trying to help them to navigate an already outdated system, but with a new complex problem so that helping them navigate now is even working less. But it’s tremendous. What I’m hearing from families and from teachers all over the place is so much frustration and I will explain it very clearly. So you have a clear understanding and you can communicate to the people who are in charge, who make the decisions.

So what’s not working for kids, parents and teachers? Well, one thing that’s not working is particularly kids who struggle with executive function, neurodiverse kids. They are the ones paying the price right now for our outdated, archaic, ineffective system. Now, are there good things about school? Absolutely. And there are amazing teachers. There are lots of people doing amazing work. But our kids are paying the price right now with how it’s working now. So basically, the purpose of school, the purpose of school, educa, education, is to raise people is to lift people to bring people up. The Latin, the educade, it means to raise, to lift, to bring forth, to bring up, we bring up our kids, we raise our kids, are they being raised right now? Or they being pushed down? The purpose of school is to serve them, not to punish them. And a lot of these kids are feeling punished right now because they cannot do what they are being asked to do. The system is failing to be engaging enough to capture their minds and their hearts, to inspire them to teach them. The structure of the way that school is working right now is failing kids. Kids are not failing, the way we are trying to educate kids right now is failing. For us adults to watch a screen for hours and hours and hours and pay attention and be able to do with some little talking head on the other side of the screen is asking us to do that, it’s hard for us to do as adults. It is really hard. And then we also all feel unsafe.

We know people are getting sick. Pretty much everybody in the US right now knows somebody who’s been sick, or is sick, or unfortunately who may have passed away. Our nervous systems are interfering with executive function because we all feel unsafe and like there might be threats, so. But we still have the structure that says, you show up, you go to We know people are getting sick. Pretty much everybody in the US right now knows somebody who’s been sick, or is sick, or unfortunately who may have passed away. Our nervous systems are interfering with executive function because we all feel unsafe and like there might be threats, so. But we still have the structure that says, you show up, you go to these classes, you do these things, we will evaluate you based on these arbitrary things and you will jump through these hoops and if you do that, then you will pass. So the structure isn’t working. And one of the biggest things that I want to tell you right now is that grades are not working. I am somebody who believes that grades are morally wrong, I think it’s morally wrong to have a metric called F for fail. That if we fail to meet the needs of a neurodiverse kid, but the kid doesn’t jump through the hoops, the kid is the one who gets the thing called the F, the fail. That is not right, grades are not right. Yes, we need assessments. We need authentic assessments, we need meaningful assessments. But grades are done. They should have been done away with a long time ago, decades ago. But we don’t even question it. But now what’s happening is these kids who aren’t able to do these things are going to fail their classes, a lot of them. And they’re the problems with that. These kids, particularly these ones with executive function struggles for not being supported are going to be even less motivated. They already struggle with motivation. Why if they’re just going to fail everything should they even try? And then we continue to push them because we want them to do well, we’re well intended, but in their mind, we can understand why would they even want to try? So the grades are not working. It’s not the right thing. They’re getting less motivated, they’re losing their love of learning. What a poisonous thing for people to experience! Losing their love of learning. That’s one of the worst things we can ever do. That is not education and raising someone and lifting them for them to be losing their love of learning. Their self esteem, their self esteems are being impacted. They’re feeling bad about themselves, like they can’t do things like why try? Like their failure, all these things. They’re less hopeful, they’re having more mental health problems, they’re getting more anxious and anxiety with school, they’re getting depressed, things are already hard enough with everything that’s going on, that these grades in particular are something that is really making things even harder, because we have this story that we need them and it drives so many things. Test scores and grades drives so many decisions that we make. And it forces us to do things like cover curriculum, which means that for teachers there’s pressure on teachers to cover all of this curriculum and these standards. And it can’t be covered like that now. Yes, kids are going to fall behind. Yes, it’s going to happen. The objective isn’t to push harder. The objective is to meet the kids where they’re at, so that they’re not falling behind and having a bad grade or a bad test score on these things. We need to recalibrate. Leadership needs to step up and make some decisions that say “We are putting kids first, not our outdated methodologies and belief systems, we’re going to challenge those, and we’re going to make things right and finally change things.” It’s time everybody, it’s time. The kids are learning their level of learning, as the objective is taskmasters. Do the things, do the worksheets, jump through the things, if you jump through the things, we’re going to give you a good grade, it’s not working. The way the system is going right now, with all the online stuff and all the stress everybody’s under and everything, it’s less engaging. It’s failing to engage these kids. And we’re saying that the kids are failing to be engaged. No, it’s not engaging. If they have exceptional executive function, they will be able to force themselves to motivate themselves to be engaged enough to jump through the hoops. That’s not what education is about. There’s too much busy work, that’s another problem that people are having right now. Another problem with this is that there’s not enough flexibility. So there’s this busy work, but there’s not flexibility to really empower teachers to say, “Hey, this family’s, you know, struggling this way, this way, this way.” Now, you teachers are amazing. And most of the teachers out there are being flexible and adaptable and are understanding, but you still are expected to cover your curriculum, to jump through the hoops that they want you to jump through, to give the grades, to worry about your data and the things that they have chosen to measure. Not everything that’s measured matters. And are the things that we are measuring, do those things matter? How can we change that in the system right now? We need to empower teachers to be flexible to take the reins and meet the needs of their students and let up on the pressure from them. There are technology issues, that’s part of the problem. I don’t need to go there with you, you know that some people don’t have technology, sometimes things crash, sometimes the internet’s not working right, sometimes there are lags. There are lots of technology issues that people are finding.

Parents are struggling with trying to be their kids teacher. They have their responsibilities and work to do, they really need time to do those things. But then they’re also expected to play teacher as well. And then parents are expected to be their executive function. Just finding the assignments online with the portals and the way we do things nowadays is so confusing. Parents and students are both struggling to get clarity about what even needs to be done. And then there are arguments where parents are pushing their kids away because they’re having these arguments and these homework battles, and they’re trying to figure out what needs to be done when, and help their kids get it done. It’s causing conflict in family systems.

Teachers, and they need support. The grades are a big problem for them. They have this arbitrary way that they’re supposed to evaluate and turn these things into these things called A B C D F. And they don’t want to fail their kids. They don’t want to give their kids a failing grade. But they also don’t want to pass their kids if there’s not the right mastery of the subject matter that they’re learning. So because we do grades in the first place, they’re in this bizarre place where they say, well, what’s in the best interest of the kid? And some teachers don’t even ask the question, but most do, but what’s in the best interest of the kid? What grade do I give them? You know, if I have a junior in high school, and they’re doing the best they can, but they’re really not learning a lot of content, do I fail them and they have to retake the class this coming winter semester or next spring semester or next fall semester or whatever? Like, is that morally right for them to have to go through this now and then go through it again? How are they going to feel about it again? They’re gonna be like, I hate this. I’m not good at it, blah, blah, you know. Or do they pass them when they know that they don’t have the knowledge? And what do you do in those types of situations? So and then teachers are struggling, how are teachers engaging if they’re doing online stuff, and there’s no human contact, or they’re doing the hybrid, and they’re only seeing them a few days a week? Building relationships is really hard. It’s just, it’s so hard on the teachers. How can we support them better? What do they need? And, I mean, how’s the teacher pay for what they’re doing and what they’re expected to do? Are they compensated appropriately to be able to live a good life? Were they able to get their needs met? And in terms of that, what about the health risks to teachers? And is there a guarantee for teachers? If God forbid, they get sick that they are taken care of, and they don’t have to worry about ridiculous crazy crap from insurance companies denying payments for things and having to be on the phone trying to figure stuff out and, and getting the, you know, the right doctor where it’s covered and all of these ridiculous health care things. Where in 2020, teachers shouldn’t even have to worry about that. So teachers do they feel like they have a guarantee that their health care is covered, and that the risks that they’re being compensated for the risk that they’re taking?

I know just scratching the surface, you all go ahead in the comments. What else did I leave out? What are some of the problems that people are experiencing right now? What are you experiencing? Leave it in the comments and let us know so that we can all connect on this stuff and figure out answers. And what ideas do you have about these things? So let me ask you this, what do we need, or want? What do parents teachers and students need or want? Well we need no grades, we need better forms of assessments, we need to not be failing these kids and not be in a position where we have to choose to give them an A or an F or whatever. We need to help teachers do inspiring lessons based on what would work right now, not based on just covering the curriculum and following the standards and doing everything in a very in the box Cookie Cutter way. We need to empower teachers to create the best that they can do for inspiring lessons and just do their best with what they got. We need to empower teachers and give them permission to do smaller lessons and not worry about covering everything. We need to think about homework and the value of homework and allowing kids to do no homework, or to choose their own homework, or to somehow have some choice where they can do it at different levels. Because they’re not all the same, not all will be evaluated the same and be given the flexibility. We need understanding from the schools the principles, the superintendents. We need to support teachers and empower them to be flexible. We need to empower them, say, teachers, you’re the expert, which we don’t do in America. But we need to do this. Teachers, you’re the expert. You choose what flexibility you need, we trust you. But we don’t like to do that in America, we like to micromanage teachers. We need to pay them more. And we need to give flexibility so that the kids can feel successful. We need to change things so that kids walk out of whatever school experiences they’re in and they feel successful.

I’m going to say that again. We need to change things so that the objective is, is that our kids feel like they’ve had successful learning experiences, not like they have insurmountable mountains and mountains of makeup work that they can never finish, they’re not motivated to finish, and they just don’t have the bandwidth for. We need to empower them to have success experiences. So what do we do? Well, we need to first remember that the kids are not the problem. Punishing them and failing them, therefore, is not the answer. Two: we need to speak up, and we need to speak up loud. And you need to tell people because the leaders are not leading, you need to tell the leaders, the people in power, what you need. Speak your voice, make the ruckus you need to make, that your heart tells you you need to make for your child’s well being. We need to understand that teachers and students are the people who are in the system. The teachers are there and the students are there. Those are the people who should be making the decisions based on what’s best democratically. They’re the decision makers, teachers and students.

We need to make our demands heard by using our voice and tell the system, “Don’t tell us you can’t change. Don’t tell us this can’t be done. Don’t push us off and make us wait. We don’t want to just return to the status quo.” People made this system, so we can remake it. Now systems don’t like to be changed. Textbook companies are massive big business companies that profit, they want the story to say the same. Same with curriculum manufacturers. Same with testing manufacturers. These are big, multi billion dollar businesses that do not want things to change or the story to change. But it doesn’t matter. The story needs to change because it’s not working. We don’t just try what’s not working harder to make it work. That is not sane. So don’t tell us you can’t change, tell the system. You can’t tell us it’s broken at the expense of our kids. You better empower us to fix it or fix it or whatever.

What else do we do? We end grades. We replace them with meaningful forms of assessment that do not create shame, hopelessness, lack of motivation, things like that. What else do we do? Well, I want to tell you, your kids gonna be okay. Might they get behind in a few content areas? Yeah, it’s okay. Your kids gonna be okay. The most important thing is that we continue to develop strong, healthy, secure relationships with our kids. This is a great time for relationship building, and learning, and problem solving, and everybody working on themselves. We continue to give our kids enriching experiences, even if it doesn’t look like school. The things that they’re interested in, we really creatively see, how can we look at the everyday learning our kids are experiencing and enhance it creatively as parents and teachers? How can we really make these experiences just more enriching and more learning experiences? There’s so much to learn. I mean, I you know, I’m obsessed with guitars if you’ve been following me for any amount of time. There is everything, math, science, social studies, reading, writing, music, art, there’s so much creativity, there’s so much that can be done within an interest area. It’s amazing.

And then what else do we do? We have to discuss with each other, with parents, teachers, with the system, with the leaders, how it’s setting our kids up for failure right now, and how it’s not acceptable, and to have these discussions openly and keep using our voice.

My name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach and I help struggling students navigate this thing called education. I’m very good at taking complicated struggling students and helping them turn the corner so that they can be more successful in school and of course, life. And I have never seen a situation like what’s going on right now. It is so much harder than it even normally would be. The worst thing about my job as an executive function coach, the thing I hate most about my job, is that I am trying to help students navigate a system that is not constructed for neurodiverse minds. But I love helping kids and this is the system that we have. So this is what I do. But that’s the worst part of my job. If I had a magic wand, I would change the system so that my job wasn’t even necessary, so that we were meeting these needs and these kids weren’t failing. And we could support kids in more personalized and customized and tailored ways using what teachers called differentiation, but real authentic differentiation. So I am here with you. You can let me know in the comments below what your thoughts are, what solutions, what are the problems, what are the solutions you can think of? You can vent in the comments below, whatever you want. But we need to come together and raise our voices and speak our truth for the sake of our kids. You can check out my site at SethPerler.com, there’s a bunch of supportive stuff there. Follow me, give a thumbs up if you want to support me and help my YouTube channel grow, share my stuff, subscribe, whatever the things are. Be well. Put the relationship first. Go laugh with your child today and connect with them in a meaningful way. Have some fun with them and be well.

Debbie Reber of TiLT Parenting Podcast and I hear from a LOT of parents, and we’re seeing so much struggle right now. Here we have a real conversation designed to help parents AND teachers. We validate specifically how insane it is to navigate these times and shed light on what you might be able to do about it to support yourself and your kids/students with confidence.

🎦 YouTube: Visit my official YouTube channel here. Subscribe, like & comment to support my work.  
👉 Share: To support me, please *CLICK* at the bottom to share on FB or Pinterest.
✏️ EF101: Here’s my jumpstart course for parents and teachers.
💚 Give: Love my work and want to donate?
🙏 Thanks! — Seth

Video Transcript: Click here to download the transcript PDF.

Seth Perler: Hello, people, my name is Seth Perler, and I’m here with Debbie Reber. Hi, Debbie.

Debbie Reber: Hello!

Seth Perler: Ah, so, hi everybody, we both just had a big sigh. We have a heavy topic today parents. Parents and teachers, mostly parents, there might be some therapists and admin and good handful of teachers watching this or listening. So I’m Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach out of Colorado and my site is SethPerler.com if you’re not familiar with me, and this my good friend, Debbie Reber. Debbie wanna tell them who you are?

Debbie Reber: Sure. I’m Debbie Reber from TiLT Parenting, the TiLT Parenting podcast, and the author of the book “Differently Wired,” and all of my content is at tiltparenting.com.

Seth Perler: And we were chatting earlier this week, we talk relatively frequently, and I was just like, really bothered, and Debbie is too. But I was just kind of like super frustrated about what’s going on right now. You know, we have COVID and pandemic, and everybody just really trying to figure out how to do this. And we don’t know where we’re gonna go with this conversation, but our intention parents and teachers, is to really talk about some of the issues from our perspectives. Debbie and I hear from tons and tons and tons of parents, we see a lot about what’s going on behind the scenes from parents perspectives, from teachers perspectives, and we want to shed some light on it. So I think (1) people don’t feel so alone and you know, you’re not alone. And (2) so that maybe we can give insights that are practical for you that hopefully you can make sense of, and that will hopefully influence, you know, actions or choices that you make in a positive way, and you can feel more confident in the things that you’re choosing to do. So, Debbie, should I start talking about what really frustrated me or do you want us?

Debbie Reber: Yeah, why don’t you start? Yeah.

Seth Perler: Okay. So as an executive function coach, what I do is I work with kids who tend to fall through the cracks. And I will say, Debbie, a lot of the kids, the neurodiverse kids, the differently wired kids in her audience, or the kids, or the parents in our audience, they too often fall through the cracks in many ways. Maybe they have an IEP or 504 but maybe that IEP and 504, isn’t articulated well enough to make the difference that it needs. Maybe the teachers or the staff that are working with the kid don’t have the experience or the resources or the time to make the difference that is needed. That is reasonable. Maybe the IP and the 504, by the teachers that are given the copies of it or that go the meetings, maybe they don’t revisit it into the school year and don’t even remember what was in it and don’t remember the details that they need to know in order to meet the needs, because those teachers are so overwhelmed or, or whatever the case may be. Maybe the kids have not been identified with anything, but have legitimate challenges that have not been identified, and therefore are not getting services or accommodations or modifications that they need. Anyhow, this is all very normal. Anyhow, these are struggles that we deal with. So Debbie is a homeschooler, and why a lot of people will go into homeschooling, or unschooling, or different schools, or look for different teachers with different solutions, because they’re just trying to get their needs met. Well, what’s going on now, is that, and what’s really bothering me is that we still have the same system, which already I take a lot of issue with, but now it’s so much less engaging, so much less motivating. It’s so hard for these neurodiverse kids, especially kids with attentional processing issues combined, but I mean for any of these kids, I mean, there’s just, it’s so hard for them to do what we’re asking them to do. Okay, that’s fine. Actually, it’s not but it is what it is. But what is really, really, really bothering me right now is something that I really don’t agree with is letter grades. I think they’re morally wrong, I always have. So many of these kids are in schools that still use grades because most schools still use grades, so these kids are being judged, and they’re going to be evaluated, and they’re going to be given a letter which impacts them. So if they fail a class, they’re going to have to either retake it, it depends. Are they in middle school, high school? Are they a senior in high school, and they’re going to fail a class? Because it’s so unengaging, they can’t jump through the hoops. They’re emotional, like we have what’s called a ‘collective trauma’ that’s legitimate. These kids are being asked to do something that’s so hard for them to watch screens and jumped through the hoops and do the tasks that they’re being asked to. I’m just really frustrated. The parents and our audiences are trying so hard. Sorry, Debbie, I haven’t even let you speak, but I guess I’m setting up the problem, at least a little bit from my perspective. But the parents were in our audiences are just trying so hard to figure out how to navigate this. But what the truth of the matter is, is that the parents and the teachers and the kids are trying so hard to navigate something that is unnavigable. It’s like the Titanic going through all of these ice patches, you know, you don’t know what’s there, there’s a lot of uncertainty, there’s a lot of danger. And what I mean by that is we’re trying to force them through this path, or navigate this path, that just is filled with obstacles, and we’re expecting them to navigate this. Kids to be able to successfully navigate something that we wouldn’t ourselves be able to do if we were in their position. And I’m just so frustrated and fed up. And I feel so powerless. And I just don’t, I don’t know what to do. You know, I work with my kids and my families and do the best I can to help them. But something that you and I often are saying right now is you just got to let it go. It is not workable, we can’t make it, we can’t magically wave a magic wand to make this change. Like it is not set up for this. And we’re trying our best to do it. But we’re trying and what I think is just a losing battle. I think the gift in this is that it really can show us that, hopefully, show us that a lot of change needs to happen in education to really serve all kids. My fear is that we’re gonna get lip service, we’re gonna get BS, we don’t invest in education in this country at least, we don’t prioritize it. We don’t give teachers enough training, enough support, enough resources, enough money and pay and blah, blah, blah. So anyhow, I just feel very powerless, frustrated, stuck. This is what my life is dedicated to and I feel like we’re at a standstill. My fear is that we’re gonna get lip service and people making basic changes to make things look good. But a lot of kids are going to fall through the cracks, are going to suffer are going to be essentially punished, for something that’s not their fault. It is going to impact not only their life now, but their future, and it’s not okay. Hi Debbie.

Debbie Reber: Amen to all of that. I mean, you really just shared everything that I’ve been thinking too. Certainly, I’m seeing the same thing, the same conversations with my parent community especially, I have a TiLT Facebook group that is really active. And there are a dozen threads every day from a parent who has a specific problem, especially with some sort of remote learning scenario. Everyone’s sharing all this advice, which is great. I love that people are trying to navigate this, but as you said, like that visual of the Titanic, you know, I feel that way too. I feel as though this is an unworkable problem. There is no advice that Seth, that you, or that I could share that is going to fix this, that is going to make this okay. And that’s a hard thing to kind of reconcile, I think because, you know, our passion is supporting families. And you know what, when we were talking about this earlier this week, the thing that I just feel so strongly is, this is not worth it. What we’re trying to put our kids through is not worth it, and it’s going to harm them more. And what does that mean we do? I don’t have all the answers. I have some ideas for families who have the resources to try to get more creative here. But we have such a priority. First of all, there’s the whole thing of trying to get back to normal. That’s all one thing. But I think when you have a child anyway who’s moving through the world differently, we’re always trying to kind of work with the system to kind of get them back on track, to kind of work with the tools that we have. And even in that process, we often harm our kids because we are putting them in environments that weren’t designed to support them. We’re asking them to change who they are and the way that they learn. We’re not focusing on their strengths. So there are so many flaws anyway, but what our kids are being asked to do now, at a time in the world where they don’t even have the life experience that we do as adults to know that this is going to pass. And I can’t imagine how that must feel to be to feel like, “Okay, the rules have changed. Everything is scary. There’s no end in sight. And I’m getting, you know, robbed of my childhood,” and you know, all of these things. And yet, they’re supposed to kind of keep showing up and even working harder in a system that is even less designed for who they are. So kind of where I land with this, which is how we decided to even do this conversation, is I mean, I really believe that if we can say “Sorry, not happening,” if we can kind of use our voice more in talking with our kids schools and kind of setting boundaries and saying “This is not doable or workable for my child, this is creating emotional harm. This is ramping up anxiety, here’s what we’re willing to do. Here’s what could work for our family.” If you have the bandwidth, and I know we’re all hitting a wall, a collective wall, I’ve been feeling it very much myself. But to kind of let go and really recognize where we’re feeling like, freaked out about the uncertainty and about what would it mean if we do kind of break all the rules right now and we go our own path? Like that’s a scary thing to consider. But when you consider what’s at stake, and our kids love of learning, or self-awareness, or feeling good about who they are. It’s a gamble I think is totally worth taking. Thoughts?

Seth Perler: I was taking some notes. One thing that you mentioned was voice, I want to speak to that. And I think teachers watching too, you know, I think teachers, at least my experience as a teacher for 12 years, is that teachers often have a voice with their colleagues that they’re close to, with maybe teachers in the teachers lounge, but when it comes to speaking up in a staff meeting about how you really feel about something and feeling like you’re being heard, or to a district, that’s not the most common thing. I said earlier, I really want this to be practical too. For teachers watching, I really want you to know, you do have a voice and you have to speak up and you have to band together, because they’re not mind reader’s in the system, in my opinion. And any massive system is designed for people to not rock the boat. To keep your mouth shut, comply, do what you’re told, follow the standards, follow the curriculum, prep for the test, do your SMART goals, do blah, blah, blah. And this is not that time. And so I just want to encourage your teachers, that if you feel like you’re not being heard, to speak up again, and again, and again, and again, and I know that there’s risk too then for teachers, you know, might I lose my job or be nonrenewed or whatever. But you’re not alone in wanting to voice things, and have outrage, and frustration and be able to say, “Okay, I hear what you’re telling me, but this isn’t working.” we need. That was one thing I thought about. And then for parents with the voice too, yeah, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I’ve been wanting to start a new podcast, I don’t mention this much in public, but for like five years, and it’s now in process. Dani and I are meeting about it next week and trying to actually get the site going. Part of the reason that I want to have it is because there are so many parents and teachers that tell me the same story over and over, but they don’t share it with everybody. They feel like they’re the only one, they feel very alone. They feel like when they try to share the message that they’re shut down, or that they’re not encouraged to speak, or that there’s something wrong with them, or something like that. But parents they are not mind reader’s. You have to advocate and advocate again and advocate again, advocate again. Don’t let any shame or being told you’re a ‘helicopter parent,’ or stuff like that dissuade you. Be mindful in how you articulate yourself ad don’t just write you know, if you’re writing something for example, like a monologe paragraph, four pages long, but keep it simple. Be like “This isn’t working,” and as Debbie said, “We don’t even know this work, but here’s what might work” You sort of threw that in there. “Here’s what might work for us,” Get those messages out there a lot. I mean, teachers are doing the best they can do. Yeah, but they don’t know. So, and one last thing, Debbie mentioned bandwidth. And Marla Payne Thurman talks about this circle, the way I think of it is, we have this circle of energy every day, and we have 100 points of energy. Once 100 points of energy are reached, we should go to sleep and rejuvenate and regenerate and rest from our day. But when we go beyond 100 points, we’re then in our reserves, which creates anxiety, and depression, and frustration, and relational problems, and internal conflict, and feeling exhausted physically, and yada, yada. Our energy goes to four places (1) social, (2) emotional, (3) cognitive, and (4) physical. So imagine our kids, how much bandwidth do they have in a day and what are we asking them to do? And is that balanced? Oh, my God, when our kids with attentional and processing issues have three or four hours of homework after having to watch a screen all this time. It’s not working.

Debbie Reber: Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that. Um, so a couple things. One, you know, homework, I’m just gonna say like you, I’ve been hearing this from people with kids in first and second grade, you know, you mentioned homework at the beginning, or you mentioned grades at the beginning. But we know that the research says that homework, absolutely in elementary school, there’s no research that shows it’s beneficial at all. And that’s an easy ask, you know, that’s a very clear thing, “My child will not be doing additional work outside of school,” or, you know, “My child will do X, Y, and Z,” that’s kind of focused in their area of interest, something like that. So that’s something we can ask. I think it’s also important, when you mentioned being the squeaky wheel, having solutions, saying “This is what we are going to try, this is what we’re doing,” as opposed to just saying “This isn’t working, help.” Because yes, I think teachers are so overwhelmed right now, this isn’t the way that they want to be teaching either. So if we can offer solutions that are that are clear, and that kind of prioritize the child’s emotional mental well being, which is what I think we have to focus on right now more than grades, more than anything else. Because really, grades don’t matter if a kid is not thriving and if they’re going to tank, they just do not matter. You talked about collective trauma, like this is a heavy time. Actually, I just read an article this week which has gotten a lot of buzz, about our surge capacity being deleted in this moment. And our kids are feeling it too. So really prioritizing our kids emotional mental health, looking at the workload that they have, looking at what their day is, like, seeing what kind of creative solutions there are. I have friends who have looked at their schedule and said, “Okay, and these are kids with attention issues” and said, “You know, these two classes will do with you, we’re going to do this on our own,” that might not work for some people, but it might be a great solution for others. See if there are ways to outsource some of those classes or to do like an independent project that could be science-oriented, for example. Doing a science lab over Zoom isn’t so exciting, right? But there might be a way to explore those concepts that would really engage a child, so see what possibilities exist and propose those. This is the case always, as parents, there’s often a lot more wiggle room than we would know. And it’s our right to ask for and to advocate for what we know would be better for our child, especially in these unusual circumstances. And I feel like what we’re going through is creating a window for different models. I mean, what we’re going through as a society, there’s so much kind of change. We’re on the precipice of a lot of change, and new conversations are coming out about all kinds of issues. And so this is a moment for us too, to more firmly say, you know, “Do differently wired kids require something different? And the system, this model isn’t really serving them.” So those are my kind of more concrete things to just kind of think about creative solutions to know that there’s more than one way for this to look, and to think about how can I be sure to prioritize my child’s mental and emotional health in this moment, because that’s got to be number one, above everything else.

Seth Perler: So yeah, the sing the SEMG is Social Emotional Needs of Gifted. As teachers, you know, we learn a lot about the social-emotional needs of kids. I like that you said that I think now would be a good time to sort of back up for teachers and parents to sort of zoom out and talk about what do kids need? So let’s say that we threw everything out the window, how can we start from sort of a big picture? I think for parents and teachers, the parents, you guys were told from the school, “This is what you’re supposed to do or what your kids homework is supposed to be,” or whatever. And for teachers, you guys were told, “This is what you’re supposed to teach,” and forgetting the supposed to, what is our own value system of the big picture of what they need? So I know Debbie and I know each other well, so we’re very much aligned on this although we probably articulated very differently. So I would start with what kids need. One thing is relationships, learning how to have securely attached human relationships. So one thing parents and teachers that’s going on right now is that as you guys are working with your kids to do their schoolwork or navigate school, and teachers as you’re trying to teach, the most important thing to me is always the relationship. Are we co-regulating and attuning with the kids? Are we noticing what’s going on in their bodies and their emotions, and pausing and addressing those needs so that we’re building secure relationships so that our kids feel secure, self-confident, know who they are, no tools to work with difficult emotions, difficult circumstances. When they’re older and they start their own life, they’ve been practicing tools for that for many years. And then what do they need as far as content? Well the way we do content and separate content in the math, science, social studies, reading, writing, and other topics, is not real life. So like I said, I’ll start this podcast, or Debbie started her podcast, like she learned so much in doing that. And I’m sure she learned math, because there’s many mathematical components from the audience, from the numbers in the audience, the metrics, how much it costs on your monthly bills, blah, blah, to run that thing. There’s tons of math, there’s tons of researching, there’s tons of writing, there’s tons of communication and speaking. I mean, there’s tons of technology, there’s so many things that are melded together and doing something. So I think when you’re thinking about what your kid needs, yes, they need to learn. But one thing Debbie said was creative. She used the word creative, but you can really creatively, and I’m gonna give you a very practical one here, look at (and you know, I’m obsessed with guitars). I’ll use this one, video games. I don’t want your kids playing video games 24/7, I do not think that’s valuable. Is there some learning? Sure. But is that overall, the best use of their time 24/7? Not in my opinion. But there are so many ways you can use that video game. They can learn so much. If you do a little research about the video game, about who created it, about how video games are designed, about coding, about the history involved in the video game, I don’t know. But about the math, the science, the history, the reading, the writing, finding articles for them. The point is they can create their own games, they can create a PowerPoint about the game. They’re learning how to communicate their learning, they can learn to do an argument paper, a persuasive paper, whatever. I’m just showing that you can incorporate it. Teachers too, I mean, Debbie said passion-based, interest-based, curiosities, I forget the word she used, but like how we can teach the thing and break away from the curriculum because the curriculum are often very black and white. And for you more experienced teachers, I know you guys probably take a lot more liberty to differentiate. But for newer teachers, like really, this is a great time to look at it and ask your gut. You know, if you have that gut feeling that this isn’t going to work, but you feel the pressure from the district or the school to do it, listen to your gut feeling and figure out how to how to differentiate it and make it more interesting, flexible, change the way you’re grading change to rubrics that are more open-ended choice based democratic, allow them to weave in their passions and interests and curiosities. And then I definitely want to say well, I don’t want to get too off task, but I want to go back to the ‘less is more.’ I just want to talk about first of all, what’s the priority, I was trying to zoom out, and the priority was what curricular things you want them to learn, social, emotional, relational. Debbie said earlier self-awareness, metacognition, introspection, self-reflection. This is a great time for parents and teachers, but parents especially, to help build self-reflection as well and self-awareness of who they are. That may not seem like you’re doing curriculum, but that is important for our kids to have in life. And I guess get everything you can out of this time because there’s a lot of value. The brain is still growing, the brain is still developing, neurons are still connecting, there’s a lot of value that you can implement into this time. I mean, getting habits for fitness, habits for sleep, habits for the foods that you’re eating, researching foods, teaching your kids how to cook. I can’t tell you how many college kids I’ve worked with that don’t know how to cook, they don’t know how to do their own laundry, these things can be learned at these times. These are valuable, important things. So there’s just a little rant on some of the zooming out on the big picture of what they need. How might you articulate some of the big picture of what they need so that they can filter differently?

Debbie Reber: Yeah, I mean, I think you touched upon relationship, absolutely. And that also brings me to just this idea of security, like you said, secure attachment, but really them feeling safe and seen, which is you know, something that Tina Payne Bryson talks a lot about, being soothed, seen, safe, and secure. But really showing up for our kids during this time is so critical for them to feel that sense of security and who they are. Physical safety, emotional safety, all of that. It’s the key, really, to good mental health in this moment. I love what you talked about what the homeschooling. As someone who homeschooled for six years, this is what I did, it was all about interest. And in fact, my son used to, and he still plays at a bit, a game called Kerbal Space Program, which is like where you’re running your own space program. And he’s done a high school level physics class, he’s doing an honors astronomy class right now. And I just heard from the teacher that Asher already understood this, I’m not gonna use the right words, but he understood this equation for something. He didn’t necessarily understand all the math behind it, but he understood all the concepts because of that game. He’s known trigonometry because of that game, like he came into these classes with this knowledge base because he dove deep into that game. And so as parents, it’s really important for us to show interest in their games. So if they’re really interested in Minecraft, there are so many learning opportunities. And so if your kid is into Minecraft, and you don’t really get it, like ask them to kind of explain how it works, and ask them probing questions, and see if there are other ways to kind of expand that. I think there’s so many opportunities. There’s nothing like how a child feels when actually their parent is showing interest in something like that. That, you know, they may get the impression that it’s like a waste of time, or you know, that we don’t respect what they’re doing. So there are tons of opportunities everywhere. I love that you talked about the life skills, self-awareness, and then also, you know, what our kids really need, what we know kids need is to feel a sense of control, right? That is one of the key agency and competencies, like, those are some of the most important things that they will need when they are ready to launch. And in a time when a lot of kids don’t feel a strong sense of control, it’s really beneficial to try to create opportunities for them to have a choice. And I’m not just saying “Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?” But really, you know, engage them in conversations, help them feel a sense of self-motivation, about how they want to approach something. If you want to talk to a school, depending on the age of your child, or you want to create something different, bring them into that conversation. “What do you think would work for you? What are you finding hard about this? If we could design the most ideal learning environment right now, what would that look like?” It doesn’t mean we can snap our fingers and make it happen, but we might be able to build some of those pieces in, and then they might have a sense of ownership. We know that when they feel that, it gets that intrinsic motivation going if they feel that kind of purpose from within, or agency. So those are some of the other things that came up for me.

Seth Perler: Let’s dive into the agency one for a moment longer, because I think that’s really important. And one of the things that tends to happen is that a lot of parents will think well, “If I gave my kid the choice on this they are going to choose the wrong thing,” or when kids will say, “Well, I think this,” and the parents will try to use logic or reason to convince them why that won’t work. With the wisdom of the parent they may see, you know, a year down the road or 10 steps down the road, that that’s not going to work. And they’ll often invalidate it with good intention, but they’ll nonetheless invalidate what the kid is saying. So I think when we’re giving agency, this is such an important topic that you and I can maybe give. Because you do a great job of this with Asher, like, I remember when you’re you were talking about moving you involved him in the discussions. He doesn’t necessarily get the say on everything when you talk about schools to go to things like that, you really say, “What do you want? What do you think?” But for the parent who’s really like, “But Debbie and Seth, if I give my kid these questions, they’re gonna make bad decisions,” or “I need to convince them that’s not going to work. I don’t want to see them fail or have a bad experience with this.” What kind of thoughts do you have on this? Because again, I think the agency is really good, but I think it’s tricky.

Debbie Reber: It is tricky. And I think, you know, there’s two things that popped into my mind. One is Dr. Ross Greene’s work where he has the, you know, proactive and collaborative problem solving, which is also a way of building agency. It’s going into a situation where there is tension, or there’s a lagging skill, or there’s a problem that you’re trying to resolve, and you’re going into that conversation with your child without an agenda. You’re going in without knowing the outcome you want, and that is really hard because we think we know what’s the best solution. So part of it is just being willing to listen to our kids if we’re doing that problem solving and saying, “Well, we can give this a try for two days. Let’s see how it goes and we’ll circle back.” Part of it has to be our willingness to play in this, you know, if it’s a safety issue that’s a whole other story. But if it’s something where we have wiggle room, let’s have more of a curiosity or an experimental mindset. The other thing I was thinking of, especially with older kids, and this is, you know, really stems from Ned Johnson and Bill Stixrud’s book, “The Self Driven Child,” but you know, one of the phrases I say a lot is “I trust you to make your own decisions and to learn from your mistakes.” And so part of this is us just recognizing that our kids need to screw up, they are going to need to fail, they’re going to need to learn things the hard way, sometimes. But that is how agency actually develops. If we make the decisions for them, we tell them we know what’s right, all of those things. They’re not going to launch having a sense of how they operate in the world and what they need to be successful, or even what they think about things. When that person isn’t there kind of micromanaging their life, their classwork, all of those things, they’re going to be a deer in headlights and not have a clue. Developing agency for a kid to feel that they’re being trusted, and yeah, they may make some really bad decisions. And we might be like, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe this is the choice.” Play it out for a little bit and see what happens and circle back and don’t shame and don’t judge. Don’t be like, “I told you that was going to happen,” be like, “That was really interesting. Do you think that was successful? I wonder if we could tweak it,” right? As much as we can remain neutral and not have an agenda and remember that our job is to coach and support our kids, not to manage them, then that is where they are going to start to become more aware of who they are and what they need and how to operate in the world.

Seth Perler: Excellent. And again, what we tend to do is the sort of “I told you so” type thing, and there’s a lot of emotion in it, and “Why did you do this?” But we’re not really holding that space and what we want to do. One of the things that Debbie and I both hear in our audiences, is when they start really diving into doing their own deep inner work, is that the conversations in the household change. So your conversations going to start changing to things like “Wow, that’s interesting. I’m sorry, that happened to you,” or “I’m sorry you went through that. What would you do differently next time?” Rather than saying, “You should have, you should have, you should have,” or “I told you so,” you know, it’s more like “Wow, can I be helpful? How can I be helpful? What would you like from me?” Rather than, “We’re gonna fix this, here’s what you need to.” Say, “Wow, that’s really interesting. How can you grow from that? Do you want to hear what I think? Do you want to hear what I think later?”

Debbie Reber: “I’m here if you need me. I’m here if you have any questions. I have some thoughts about this, but it’s totally your call,” and then leave.

Seth Perler: Yeah, and it is not easy. Especially if your whole life you’ve been very attached to these sorts of things and you feel this emotion in your body that’s like, “I have to address this in this way,” and it’s just screaming at you. Yeah, but you have to listen that quiet voice. Listen to the voice that’s like, “Okay, walk away.” Be like, “I’m here for you,” and really think through in the long game, what’s going to be more beneficial in the conversation to my child? How are they going to receive the wisdom I’m trying to impart on them best?

Debbie Reber: Right. And we do have a lot of wisdom, I mean let’s you know, just to keep it real. So I understand that we want to share, like, we experience. But it’s really worth it to let our kids discover some of these things on their own, because they’ll feel totally different about it.

Seth Perler: And as you said before, when it’s a safety issue, or there certain times when there are boundaries too, you have your clear boundaries, your hard No’s and your hard Yes’s? Listen, I mean, we’re not saying that your kid just is gonna blow up the kitchen and burn the house down and whatever because they let the burner on and you’re like, “Well, that’s their choice.” That is not what we’re saying at all. I think I have two more directions to go. One is the less is more.

Debbie Reber: I’m just gonna say this before, because I have…

Seth Perler: You have five minutes.

Debbie Reber: Less is more, yes. I feel like I’m on a game show all of a sudden. So okay, when I hear less is more what I think of is, for me, I think about the fact that the real learning happens when we don’t know that we’re learning. And so, you know, we might get really caught up on timelines about this, this, and this has to happen at a certain time. But actually, sometimes it’s the things we’ve just been talking about that actually can kind of lay the foundation for the other learning to happen really quickly when the child is internally motivated to do that learning. So yeah, how about you?

Seth Perler: One of the things that I think about is, particularly for teachers, is one of the biggest examples is in math. But it can also be writing, it can be reading, but with math, if you give your students 20 problems to do that night, particularly for these students that are struggling with stuff, for them to do one or two or three high quality, polished questions, and give them the option openly to do that, and don’t fail them that they didn’t do all 20 and they get a bad score, but to reward the effort. Not look if it’s right or wrong, but to reward the effort, give credit for the effort. We’re so addicted to points in school, forget that. We’re looking for, can we keep them engaged in an experience? And less is more. Sometimes just doing a couple problems. I will sometimes spend 20 or 30 minutes on a fifth or sixth or seventh grade student on one problem because there’s so much richness in that problem. And so many holes that need to be filled often at that level with these problems. So just know less is more in any content area you’re teaching and see how you can adapt it. Think of the word ‘micro.’ I talk about micro lessons a lot, do micro lessons. In your class, give them one good micro learning experience a day. That’s it. And I guess I guess my last words for teachers in particular, in 30 seconds or less, because Debbie has to go, is I’m a big fan of rubrics, differentiating content process and product, the democratic process, giving them choice, trying to tailor it to their interests. And this is an art. So I’m not giving you two seconds, you know, just go do this. I know it takes time. But it is less work for you teachers in the long run, actually, when use your artistry and your craftsmanship to craft micro learning experiences that land. I think teachers be aware of what people aren’t telling you, that they’re struggling, the amount of time it takes just to find what the work is and to get clear on it. Just being really aware and giving them the benefit of the doubt I think it’s really an important time, and just building the relationship. So I guess those are my final words for teachers. And my final words for parents, I guess, will be really consider what you’re prioritizing. You know, you have 16 waking hours a day with your family, or in general, where are you going to prioritize your energy? Is it in getting the stuff done and having them jump through hoops and finishing all the homework and blah, blah, blah? Or is it in relationship or self-care or enrichment activities, or creative learning experiences, or nothing. Vegging out and saying, “You know what, we’re taking a mental health day from school,” even though it’s Monday, on the first day of a week, and, you know, you just need it. Listen to your heart. The mind is so noisy, so noisy. So much static and clutter, and listen to this and follow that, and keep following that would be my final to parents.

Debbie Reber: I don’t know that I can say anything better. I could reiterate what you just said, but I feel the same way. Just you know, for parents just be present. As you know, we’re all spread thin. But try to make a moment every day where you can just be fully 100% present for whatever your child needs to share with you or what they want you to do with them, even if it’s just sitting on the bed while they’re doing something with their headphones on and ignoring you. Like just show up for them every day.

Seth Perler: Awesome. All right. I know Debbie’s got to go. If you like this, give it a thumbs up. Leave us a comment. What do you think of this? What are your thoughts? Do all the things. Sign up for our stuff and share it like crazy. We put our hearts in our lives and our work. And we really, really, really, really wish you the best in this very difficult time.

Debbie Reber: Yeah, thanks for the conversation Seth. Good luck, everybody. We are thinking about you!

Seth Perler: Alright, take care, everybody.

Here I speak to parents and teachers who are interested in Executive Function and giftedness, but this is great for anyone because I teach 15 strategies for supporting EF.

💚 Give: Love my work and want to donate? 
🎦 YouTube: Visit my official YouTube channel here. Subscribe, like & comment to support my work.  
👉 Share: To support me, please *CLICK* at the bottom to share on FB or Pinterest.
✏️ EF101: Here’s my jumpstart course for parents and teachers.
🙏 Thanks! — Seth

Here’s a talk I did for teachers and soon to be teachers with the Student Chapter of Courage to Risk and CU Denver Student Council for exceptional children Grad students about how to support kids with EF. I detail about 10 key strategies.

Great discussion for parents and teachers about the Math complications of this fall, including several practical tips. See Adrianne’s site at https://madeformath.com/.

Click here to download the PDF.

What do you think? Leave a comment at the bottom of this page!

🎦 YouTube: Visit my official YouTube channel here. Subscribe, like & comment to support my work.
👉 Share: To support me, please *CLICK* at the bottom to share on FB or Pinterest.
✏️ EF101: Here’s my jumpstart course for parents and teachers.
💚 Give: Love my work and want to donate?
🙏 Thanks! — Seth

Video Transcript: Click here to download the transcript PDF.

Seth Perler: Hey everybody, what’s up? I didn’t tell Adrianne we’re starting because I know her and like her and wanted to keep her on her toes. Hi, Adrianne.

Adrianne Meldrum: Hey, how you doing?

Seth: This is Adrianne Meldrum. She is a brilliant online math tutor, and helper, and genius. And she’s got a little company where she helps a bunch of kids all over the place with math stuff. So, hi.

Adrianne: Hi! Thanks for having me today. I’m excited. It’s been interesting, right? The start of the school week for most people was this week. And I know my inbox is busy. How about yours?

Seth: It’s overflowing, and people are having a lot of math problems. So we’re gonna dive into some of the issues with younger kids, elementary school and middle school-ish, maybe a little appropriate for some high school parents of high school kids, too.

Adrianne: Yeah, absolutely.

Seth: To my audience, this is Adrianne. Adrianne, do you want to introduce me to your audience?

Adrianne: Yeah, I think my audience knows a lot about you, Seth, because a lot of them know you and like you, trust you, all of that. But this is Seth. He focuses on executive function. He is the guru who helped my son. I’m so grateful that I know, Seth, and for the work that he’s doing, because our kids need him in their lives.

Seth: Awesome. And Adrianne site was mathformiddles.com, but you change the name, right?

Adrianne: Yeah, it’s madeformath.com now.

Seth: Made for Math. The idea is that your child’s brain, even if they don’t believe it, is actually made for math when you do it, right?

Adrianne: Yeah, yeah. When it’s taught to the way they learn, yes.

Seth: So one of the things that Adrianne did, and I’m just going to start with this, we’re going to talk a little bit about some of the complexities of this fall, but one of the things Adrianne did was put together two resources that you can grab here. Can you show us those?

Adrianne: Yeah, let me show you. Of course, these are going to be printable. But you can look at these in digital format, and these are hyperlinks. So basically, on here, we’ve got some just general math things that you can use and help. And we’re all about hands-on math, just FYI, it’s not the drill and kill memorization, that kind of stuff. So we’ve even got Virtual Manipulatives on here for you so your child can drag things around on their iPad or on the computer without having to go buy them. But then down here, we’ve got some reference books that, you know, I’m old school, you’re probably old school, Seth, right? It’s nice sometimes to just have like a book to help you help your child instead of going to the internet and going down the rabbit hole of all the options. And then math facts is a huge pain point for a lot of families, so we’ve got some good stuff here. And then fractions is the number one topic we reteach. Doesn’t matter if you are a middle schooler or a high schooler, we’re always reteaching fractions. And it’s huge. It has implications for a long time, it’s important even at the high school level. So fractions are listed here. And then we’ve got some algebra, some really good algebra stuff. Um, there’s a lot of cool apps on here that help with understanding what we’re doing in algebra. And then special for Seth’s audience, and my people can go get it too, I’m going to give away my signature course, it’s self-guided. It’s all about fractions because as I said, it’s the number one topic. So anyone that uses this coupon code, the coupon code is Sethfff. You can have the course for free, you can go over there and start watching and using it with your child.

Seth: What age is that catered towards?

Adrianne: No joke, you can use it with fourth grade and all the way up. We teach it in such a way that doesn’t feel babyish, you are totally engaged, and you understand what you’re doing when you’re watching these videos.

Seth: Awesome, show us the other thing. And while you’re getting that, I love teaching fractions, personally. I love it. And I taught math, science, social studies, reading, writing all this stuff. But I love teaching math. I can’t teach stoichiometry or high level math, but I can get up into algebra and geometry. And fractions is such a misunderstood concept, But the way that I look at it parents, is that you’ve got like a bucket and a lot of kids, especially when they get into middle and high school, there’s a lot of holes in the bucket. And for a lot of my kids who struggle with executive function, what happens is oftentimes, many of these kids were really doing pretty well with mental math, and then they hit a point usually right at middle school when they have to start showing their work. And, and they don’t want too. They miss a detail and they get everything wrong because of one detail, or two details, and it makes it look like they’re not good at math, or they start to feel like they’re not good at math. Since they miss those things and don’t want to show their work, that’s really when things can get challenging. These kids memorize how to do multiplication or how to do division, but they don’t know why it works. And and I know for Adrianne and definitely for me, it’s critical that they understand why. Because then they can use all sorts of algorithms, and have all sorts of ways to approach a problem. There’s not one way, which is often a misunderstanding I think parents have, when they see one way taught, they’re thinking, “This is the way.” No, there’s millions. If you understand the principles, your kid can adapt it in all sorts of ways. Sorry for that ranty-rant.

Adrianne: No, I totally agree. Someone on my team just the other day, I felt like he made such a good analogy. One of the goals of mathematics is to learn to be a flexible thinker. And people often think, “No, there’s only one way to do it.” And I’ve seen these memes circulating around with all these parents homeschooling their children, right? Well, “They’re going to do it my way, the way I learned how to do it.” But I prefer the flexible thinking, because there’s lots of ways to get there. And so the analogy he made was: we live in a world where we have, you know, digital maps. We have multiple ways we can get there, from walking, to biking, to driving, you know, public transportation and different routes and different times. Why can’t we have that math too? He was saying maybe that pre-packaged stuff that we learned, you know, the exact method, is not serving our children, they need a more variety of ways of getting there. I totally agree with that. I love that analogy. It really helps me let go of that rigidity that I learned in school, because there’s just one way of doing it right. But you and I know how beneficial it is to be this flexible thinker and see multiple paths to getting to the answer.

Seth: And especially for these neurodiverse kids who already have outside-the-box thinking styles, it’s so great to give them different ways of looking at things. So show us the journal thing you created.

Adrianne: Yeah, sure. So another important thing is, um, especially if you’ve got kiddos at home, I’m also hearing from parents that they’re having like enlightening moments realizing how bad it is right now. You know, like, “Oh, my word, I had no idea my child is struggling this much.” So a lot of kids have got a lot of anxiety around math. And with learning, if you’re feeling some anxiety, it shuts down everything. You’re going to have that fight or flight response and seriously want to run out of the room or you know, meltdown, or whatever it is, freeze and do nothing. So a math journaling prompt is what I made for you. And I realized you’ve probably got kids that don’t like writing, I have kids that don’t like writing.

Seth: I was gonna ask about that.

Adrianne: You could use like Voxer on your phone, voice message apps, you could find ways to talk to each other and make it a safe place. But there’s seven different kinds of questions you can go through to help your child. My favorite is at the very top, “Tell me about a time you knew you weren’t good at math.” And I promise you that a very revealing moment will come to your child’s mind, they’ll be able to share and talk about it, and let go some of the shame about that experience. A lot of my students tends to be as young as third grade when they’re learning their math facts, that’s when they adopt that belief. They think, “I’m not made for math, I can’t do this.” And you and I both know that’s not true, because they just encountered an activity with learning their math facts that was working memory heavy. And if you have weak working memory, learning math facts through drill and kill, it’s not gonna work for you.

Seth: I remember when I was teaching third grade, and we did like a driver’s license thing, where they would get like little stamp for when they memorize their one’s, two’s, three’s tables for multiplication. And just being that type of kid myself, as a teacher doing that with my team, and these were awesome teachers, but I just could not digest that. I was like, this is just not working for so many of these kids. They do not respond to getting getting a star for memorizing the thing. Well, I wanted to ask some questions. Oh, I also wanted to say with your journal question, Adrianne and I were talking before this chat today, and she told me that was her favorite one. I asked a very similar question, even to college kids. And I’ll say, you know, “When was the first time that you felt like you weren’t a successful student?” or, “When was the first time you felt shame in a classroom?” And they do, they will say, “In first grade, this happened with a teacher, my parent, or whatever. In third grade, or fifth grade, this happened,” and they remember. I think that that’s a testament to how, something I talked about all the time is the nervous system, how powerful the nervous system is, and how impactful memories are when we feel fight, flight or freeze and it hits the nerve. You’re not thinking, “Oh, my kid was in second grade and there was a math experience and that was recorded in the nervous system and it’s still impacting them.” It is. And you, the viewer, and me, and Adrianne, we all have stuff like that.

Adrianne: I still remember mine.

Seth: What was yours?

Adrianne: So I have a couple, but I’m going back to math facts. Same thing. I’m smiling because it was the FOIL stars. I couldn’t do it. I had a terrible working memory, unbeknownst to me. So I resorted to cheating, and I felt deep shame about that, but both my friend and I struggled. So we were like, “Well together, we’re smarter,” I would find a way to cheat. And that still hurts to think that I resorted to that. I had no idea what to do. I was panicked.

Seth: Yeah, one of my students the other day, one of my middle schoolers, was telling me how easy it is to cheat with the online tests that they’re doing now and how many kids are cheating, and how they feel like it’s so unfair because if they actually study, and they know half the class is just Googling it while they’re taking the test. That’s a problem. I want to ask Adrienne what you parents have been asking me. So I want to ask Adrianne about some of the math questions that I’ve been hearing during this pandemic time with what’s going on. So let’s start Adrianne with just the problem that parents are having, just figuring out what the heck the assignment is from the teacher online and locating that information? How much time parents or their kids are spending just finding that out? What are some of your thoughts about that?

Adrianne: Now, I’m going to speak from personal experience, and it may be a little extreme, you might be a little shocked, because I think there’s a lot of people that are rule followers, right? They want to do what they’re being told. So yesterday was supposed to be a remote learning day for my youngest, and we transferred into a school. So the last time we talked, if you heard me at TEFOS, my kids were doing online school. And then when they announced that they were going back to hybrid in person, my kids begged to go back and be with people. So I let them do that. So we started this week. And what you do is you go two days in person, and then the other three days are at home. So my youngest is a transfer-in student, number one, which is a problem. So the teachers are all forgetting that he doesn’t know how to operate the system. And they may have tried to show him but working memory, I don’t think he even stored that. So when I met with him yesterday morning and said, “Okay, let’s figure this out, what you need to do.” I actually didn’t even have him stand there and watch me because he was getting so anxious, he started pacing and kind of bouncing and tears are welling up. I said, “Go sit in another room. I’m gonna work on this.” So I couldn’t figure it out, Seth, I spent 10-15 minutes and then I decided that’s enough. I don’t need to spend more than that. I messaged one person, which was a friend who’s in the district. And I said, “Help me understand this.” And she gave me a little more detail. I looked again, gave it five more minutes, and I go, it’s not there. This teacher hasn’t listed what we need. So I immediately stopped because it’s not worth it for me to stress and panic about it. I emailed the teacher, explained what was happening, and let it go. Because the truth is, this teacher is overwhelmed. And my son’s overwhelmed. I just need everyone to understand and communicate that we tried, we did our best, but we’re not going to let it dictate our day. So I let him off the hook and we will figure it out tomorrow. So in my email to the teacher is very specific, though. We’ve talked about this. Short to the point, very specific. And I said, “I need to schedule a virtual meeting with you to learn how to do this portal.” And I’m still waiting for her to respond. She didn’t respond yesterday. I doubt she’ll get to it today. I’ll probably hear from her on Sunday is my guess. I’m hoping that then I can learn how the portal work. I think a lot of you can relate. I mean, there was like 20 different tiles of things that he could do. None of them very clearly telling us what to do. So we were frustrated, and it’s just not worth the stress in my opinion. And I hope I can empower parents to feel like it’s okay. This year everyone’s frustrated. Everyone’s trying to do the best they can. Don’t fret about your kid not showing up the way they’re supposed to. You know, no one really has time to deal with this. What do you think about that Seth? I mean, that’s my thing.

Seth: I think you need to communicate with the teachers. I don’t know if the video is working properly. Oh, I pinned you, that’s why. I wonder if that was the whole time! So basically, you need to communicate with the teacher ASAP. The teachers are stressed out so always do it compassionately. Always assume positive intent, always assume you’re on the same team and you’re trying to help your kid. So that’s the first thing. The other thing is not all parents, like Adrianne is very tech savvy, and not all of you parents are tech savvy out there. Just do your best. If you have to leave a phone call on their voicemail or whatever, just do what you can. I would not necessarily, well, if your kid is in school, rely on them to deliver a handwritten note. But you can do a voicemail, call the secretary of the school, call the admin. When you write the emails, you know, CC some people, may be CC an admin or a counselor. Not to be a jerk, but just to get some accountability there and have a paper trail, because sometimes you do get the teacher that really is unreasonable. I think that’s the exception. The other thing is, is you can send them a Loom. If you don’t know Loom, it’s free, it’s amazing. Adrianne tried to get me to use it for like two years before I ever used it, now I use it all the time. But you can show your screen to the teacher and say, “Hey, teach what’s up? I really appreciate what you do. Look, we’re trying to figure out what the homework is,” and show them you know, “Here’s where I’m going. I don’t know what the heck you want. Help me here,” and you can send off a Loom. Now teachers who are watching this, you can make a Loom, send it to your whole class and say, “This is how you log in. This is where you look, this is when you look, this is how you look.” Teachers, you can also say, you know, “If it’s taking this long stop,” you can give the parents permission to know when to stop. What Adrianne did by taking that off her kid’s plate and saying, “I’ll figure out what you have to do, I just want you to focus on doing it.” So a lot of parents want their kids to go through that whole process. And parents I know you’re busy too. I know that it’s good to practice the executive function stuff. But your kid only has so much bandwidth, or imagine they have 100 points of energy a day. Once they reach 100 points, they’re in overwhelm and reserves, and that’s never good. And we don’t want them getting in the habit in life. So yeah, that’s my my take on that.

Adrianne: Yeah, I agree. Loom is a lifesaver, I adore it.

Seth: Alright, so what about this? This is another one that I’ve been hearing a lot. Your kid is on the online math class, they’re trying to listen to the teacher, they’re spacing out, they can’t pay attention, it’s not engaging, it’s not interesting, and there are distractions on other tabs with things that are much more interesting to them, that they’re either engaging in or trying to avoid, or whatever. But the point is the teacher is trying to convey knowledge, and it’s not getting through.

Adrianne: Mm hmm. Honestly, especially for kids with executive function issues, if you have the means I honestly believe you should hire some help. I’m thinking most parents are lacking the time. There’s some parents that have the time to sit side by side with their child and help, you know, help communicate that knowledge, help them find online videos, blah blah blah. But a lot of you are like me, and like Seth, and you’re working from home too, and you’re limited with time. So see if you can find like a college student that would be willing to help your child navigate this math. If you need someone that has more experience, working with someone like us. We help kids with dyslexia, ADHD, and autism really grasp math and what they’re doing. We can be the lead teacher, we can be the support teacher, either way. But having someone else can help eliminate some of the stress. There’s a lot of this going on with you and your child because you also know how to do it your way. And then the school’s probably doing it a slightly different way. And so having a neutral party come in and help can be really amazing because it lowers the pressure and noise that your child might be feeling. It’s a better scenario all the way around, in my opinion. So I do that with my boys. When this pandemic started, I put each of my boys, I took people from my team and paid for them to go be with each person. So they had someone to talk to, and all my kids were like, “Gosh, this is great, I’m learning a lot more actually than I am in my class with my peers at the same time.” So you’re not hurting them, you’re not distracting them, or anything like that. It’s helping them accomplish that task in a better environment for them because the school is not going to be able to provide that for you.

Seth: Awesome. I was listening to NPR this morning and they were talking about the financial hardships that people are experiencing. They’re going through their savings and they really are struggling. So for the parent who is trying their best to do this on their own and learn on their own, where can they go? What are some of your favorite resources that a parent can access? What happens is a lot of times the parents say, “I watched the math teachers lesson, I don’t even know what the heck they’re talking about.” The parent knows that they know enough to almost help their kid but they kind of need to solidify that knowledge. Where can parents go to?

Adrianne: Yeah, so like free resources. If you’re a military family, the military actually will pay for tutoring. There’s like a whole website where they can access an online tutor and get some help. There’s a lot of really cool apps, which again, I’ve got linked up here that can help walk your child through. I’m sure you’ve seen the app, Seth, that you can scan the homework problem and it will show you the steps to solving it. Have you seen that?

Seth: I never have. I love Wolfram Alpha, which doesn’t scan it for you, but does quite a bit on a free version.

Adrianne: Yeah, so I don’t have that on here on this one. But I will make sure you guys get the link to it. So it’s helpful in that it helps jog your memory of like, “Oh, that’s how you do it. I don’t remember.” And that is an empowering tool you can give to your child to as well, you know that they can scan it. The only issue with it is if the handwriting is really bad, or the print copy they got is real blurry, it might not do it correctly. But for the most part, it works just great. So there’s those kinds of things. Another interesting idea that I’ve seen some of my friends do is for the moms that are not working, and that have the gift of just being able to focus on their children right now, there’s a bunch of moms that have banded together and they’re helping out their friends. So they’re actually taking groups, they’re doing the pod thing. And there’s no money being exchanged from what I know. They’re just trying to help their friends and lighten the load, bless their hearts. Parents like that, bless you. See if you can like find a way to even swap with a parent and say, “If you could take this shift from this shift, I’ll do this one.” See if you can divide the subjects up too. Maybe you have a strength in English, this person has a strength in science and math. Something along those lines. There’s there’s a lot of creative ways I think that you can get the help you need without paying money.

Seth: Awesome. I also love YouTube. And when I work with kids, to help them find YouTube videos to help them with math, what I teach them is don’t just go to the first one. Find a personality you like, a pacing you like. Because it’s not just the first one that you find that teaches it, you know, find one that resonates with you. Some are long winded, I can’t stand that. But some people like all the detail. I’m long-winded maybe I can’t stand it because it’s here. But you know, I’m like get to the point and do it fast. Some my kids who like it faster will speed up the video. So you can actually do that in YouTube as well.

Adrianne: We love that.

Seth: Yeah, another thing you can do is you can literally type the question into a Google search. You don’t need Wolfram Alpha or other things, you can literally type the quote, the exact question in there and click on Google Images. And you’ll often find something very helpful.

Adrianne: Super true. And then some of my favorite YouTube channels are listed on here, by the way. And i think they’re great. And again, you can listen to them at twice the speed if they’re too wordy. I love that.

Seth: So now here’s another problem that I’ve been hearing a lot is that parents are worried that their kid is going to get behind this year with math. Part of my thinking on that is yeah, you’re probably right. Let’s get it in perspective, and think about what’s most important. So before we started the call, you were talking about what to prioritize and things like that. So when parents are concerned that their kid is going to get behind, and especially parents of kids with executive function struggles that they know that if their kid were focused on the screen and the teacher that they could at least keep pace with what’s going on. But it’s even worse, not just because of the pandemic, but because they have attentional challenges and executive function. Then they’re getting behind and behind behind throughout the semester. So what are some of your thoughts on that?

Adrianne: There’s a lot of thoughts. Um, you know, we’ve been dealing with students that have a lot of anxiety too. And when the anxiety is so severe that learning isn’t even happening, like they can’t even function, which for some kids right now, that is a big issue. Right? Their life feels completely upside down and they lack the skills. I’m thinking about Dr. Greene, like he was saying, we’ve identified a skill that they need to have. And so I’ve been advising those parents to do is press pause on academics for a little bit. I had to do that one year. Seth and I were friends this one year for my youngest, we had to kind of press pause on a lot of stuff. And we just worked on anxiety stuff. And it was it’s interesting, it’s worthwhile work. And I didn’t view that year as a waste, personally, because this year I watched him use the skills. So one of the things that he found soothing, this is kind of a tangent sorry, is he needed to reset his nervous system and one of the things I used was a shower. Because when the water hits your head, it helps you reset your thoughts and just watching water go down the drain, I swear it allows him to let the thoughts leave, and wash away. And so when we were going through the pandemic, he was taking showers a lot, he’s taking baths a lot, sometimes four or five times a day. And I was just grateful he had something that was working for him, right. And even when we were moving, because we moved from Idaho to Arizona, he was again, showering a lot, taking baths a lot. And I was grateful for that time that we spent learning some of those coping skills that worked for him. So give yourself permission to maybe focus on some of these executive function skills that your child’s lacking. And the anxiety piece, because those two things affect all the other learning. And so if you’re finding that your child’s got these issues, that’s what I would prioritize. But if your child, another thing too, like we get a lot of kids that are we call them ABC kids because they’ve got all these diagnoses. And it can be overwhelming to know which one do I tackle first? And a lot of you are probably homeschooling for the first time this year. We’ve seen parents attack them all. Oh my word, it is so overwhelming for students to be doing reading therapy, math therapy, speech therapy, physical therapy, like these kids are drained, they can’t keep up. So I would say pick the most important topic. And it’s reading, honestly, in a lot of ways. If you’re going to pick an academic topic that your kid needs help with, pick reading. Math, in my view, you can catch up with math. A lot of it too developmentally, if they’re a little older, we can get them moving faster as they’re older. But when they’re younger, third, fourth grade, if you’re overwhelming them with all these therapies, the progress will be slow. So pick the ones that matter the most. So it could be reading in this case, if they have a dyslexia, diagnosis, and then we can do the math. And I promise, we can help you get them up to speed. So it’s I know that’s so counterintuitive, because you know, when you find out what’s wrong, you just want to attack it all and do it all. And it’s too much stuff. Do you agree?

Seth: Yeah. And I think getting back to that, you know, imagining that you have 100 points a day, a bandwidth. As an adult or kid, a five year old, a 15 year old, it doesn’t matter. We all have like a certain amount. And the way that we’ve constructed schools, they don’t have to be the way we’ve constructed them. And we’ve chosen to construct schools where it’s very segmented and separated. You have math separate from science, separate from language arts, separate from this and that. That’s not real life. In real life these things are all interconnected, and we use them. You know, if I’m going to learn a new thing on guitar, I’m using all different domains or subject areas, but we don’t have to have schools that way. But the fact that we do, I think, we’ve been indoctrinated and this makes it seem like that now, as we’re trying to help our kid we have to help in all these different areas. But pick one big thing that you want to focus on for very long, that’s what I do with my students, we pick one primary focus. We’re always working on all of them.

Adrianne: You’re willing to spend more attention on, right?

Seth: Yeah, and it has a positive domino effect on everything else. Working with the anxiety helps, right there, you’re gonna be able to get the executive function, the prefrontal cortex back on board, which is then going to allow your child to have more bandwidth for learning.

Adrianne: Mm hmm. Absolutely. I agree 100%.

Seth: There was something else that I was going with this, but it fell off my brain. It’ll come back to me in a second. Did you have anywhere else you were gonna go?

Adrianne: Um, I don’t think so. I was just enjoying that chat so much.

Seth: I know what I was gonna say. So first of all, many of the speakers on TEFOS this year talked about what you just talked about, picking one thing. And another thing is that less is more. So I have a, a sixth grader, and he started school the other day, and the family switched him from sixth grade to seventh grade math. So now he’s been transferred into a new class, and the teacher gave him all the makeup work. So he starts this new class and all of a sudden he has like five assignments. And, you know, I, again, it’s a bandwidth issue, you know, I told the parents, I’d rather see him, and I’ve been working with him all summer on math. So I said, I’d rather see him, do one or two of the problems from each section on all these homeworks, then do all the homeworks. And I’d rather see him do one or tw, quality problems, do them really well and be done. And so often, and I remember math came pretty easy to me. And until I got into high school and had to actually write my work, but as a youngster, it came very easy. But I remember having to do these drill and kill sheets, and there be 100 problems. And it was so boring and redundant and meaningless to me. And a lot of times, you know, the teachers are giving this homework, their intentions are good, but for your child, doing the entire homework and how much bandwidth that takes and time and if they have processing issues, or attentional issues may not be worth it, I’d rather see your kid do one or two things, you know, really be present with them. And I feel like they’re gonna get a lot more and you you sometimes just have to believe that you can advocate. Especially if you are a rule follower, as Adrianne said, you have to believe that you can write a note to the teacher and say, “Hey, this what we have the bandwidth for tonight, we needed family time downtime, but we did work on these things, high quality.” And if you’re CC’ing people, first of all, that’s good. But if the teachers really hard on it, and you’re CC’ing people you can be like, “Look and work with us here. What the heck,” what do you think? And so what what are your thoughts on less is more?

Adrianne: Yes, less is more. And I think sometimes I can hear my parents being like, “Well, sometimes even the less, I can’t get them to do the less.” And so what I would say to that is, um, find a different route. So I had to do one time for my son it again, like Seth was saying, it was just too much. So I became the scribe. I would say the problem out loud, he wanted to practice that mental math. So I’d write down, you know what he said, and he was so grateful at the end. He was like, “Gosh, that was awesome. I didn’t have to look at the page.” And I knew just even the way the page is formatted was overwhelming, right? It wasn’t that there was a ton of problems, just the way it looked. And I think a lot of our kids are like that, they look at the pages and they go, “Oh my gosh, this is gonna take all night,” blah, blah, blah. And so finding a different route and way in, setting a timer. I know we talked a lot about clocks. I’ve been seeing in the TEFOS Facebook group, everyone’s trying out the clock method. I love that. Let’s set a timer, let’s spend some time on this less is more high quality exercises, I think that’s great. And even popping in and using some Virtual Manipulatives, your child might really respond to that way more than the worksheet. So you could you could do something like that, take some snapshots of the problem work that he did, and turn that in. I think it’s fine to push back on these his teachers that are being more rigid. And this is our year, I feel like, to make some big waves in education and change things for the better.

Seth: I actually think that too. I think that what’s happening is a lot of these problems that have been underneath the surface now are coming up. And people are saying, “Wow, the engagements not there.” Because I think that’s the most important thing is engagement. And it’s very, very, very, very hard to engage kids online. So the question isn’t, how are we going to engage them perfectly online, it’s just what how can we be more engaging? What what creates engagement?

Adrianne: What’s the minimum effective dose required? Effective, the minimum one. I think too often, I wish teachers can take the idea from business, a minimum viable product, an MVP. So what’s the minimum amount I can do that’s going to give my students the maximum result? That’s a really empowering thought. And I know there are some teachers that do think this way. There’s a teacher group with Angela Watson. She taught this concept, and I love watching the teachers who grasp that idea, especially at the secondary level. And they’re like, “Yes, I’m going to do that”. MVP this, baby. And I think it’s an empowering thing. We can do that too in our homes. What’s the minimum amount we can do that can have the maximum output?

Seth: Yeah, and that makes me think of a guitar metaphor that I won’t waste everybody’s time on.

Adrianne: I love it.

Seth: But there is something called economy picking, it’s the way you pick a note. For players who play really fast, like bluegrass players or heavy metal players, any genre where they’re playing really fast, there’s something called economy picking. It’s how you barely touches the string less can be more. And really, what I think what teachers go through, and like you said some teachers do get that, but some teachers, especially the rule follower teachers, spend years trying to follow the standards in the curriculum as its outlined. And they’re trying to cover all the curriculum. And there’s pressure on them from the district from the admin, from testing, there’s pressure on the teacher to follow this methodology. And not to question its validity. But so often, you know, and for any teachers watching, I will say this for any subject, less is more. The more you can differentiate content, process, product, environment, and create rubrics and give them flexibility and choice, and make it democratic, the more engagement you’re going to get. And so often we’re regurgitating what the curriculum is, how the curriculum says this is our research based curriculum blah, blah, blah, that we’ve somehow magically said this is the best. Meanwhile, every other one says the same thing, we’re the best. You’re giving permission to parents earlier, I want to give permission to teachers too to really trust your gut, because you probably know. If you feel you are somebody who’s a rule follower, and you’re really feeling that pressure, and you may even have literal pressure from admin saying you have to do this. Say, “Okay,” close the door, and listen to your gut anyway.

Adrianne: Yeah. Right. And parents will thank you for it. You know, it’s important. Yeah, let’s put the kids first this year, that would be amazing.

Seth: All right. So final thought what you got for us?

Adrianne: Um, my final thought is… gosh.

Seth: Let me ask you this, I was doing this on the summit and I really liked it. What’s your wish or hope for families that are watching right now for today? What would you hope they leave with today? Forgetting math.

Adrianne: Forgetting math. My wish and hope is that you feel the freedom, the gift of 2020, which is a blessing of time to work on what’s needed instead of what’s been dictated.

Seth: Awesome. And my wish for you today is that you enjoy connecting with your family. Smile, give them a hug, tell them you love them and enjoy. All right. Let me show you Adrianne’s, this is Adrianne’s MadeForMath site. You can go check her out here. Awesome stuff. This is that Seth’s dudes site. If you never signed up, I send out a free Sunday thing. You can sign up right there. There’s a million resources there.

Adrianne: Yeah, Seth, why don’t we tell them about two things that we both have going on really quick. Okay, Seth is doing some coaching, premium coaching.

Seth: By the time you see this, it’ll probably be filled, because it started. My blog goes out Sunday. But yeah, I’m doing a group this fall. But I also have all kinds of other offerings on my site. And then Adrian has her math program this year.

Adrianne: Yeah, yes, we’re having these group classes. And they’re amazing. They’re for the rest of the year, FYI. And I highly encourage you to check them out. We can take math completely off your plate. And for once your kid will get exactly what they need. We teach only the way your child learns, which is a truly magical experience.

Seth: Awesome, awesome. Thank you so much, Adrianne for being here with me today.

Adrianne: No problem. Thanks for having me.

Seth: All right, and I hope you all are well. We will see you soon. Take care.

Adrianne: Bye bye.

On our TEFOS facebook group, one of the parents had a phenomenal question, “There was an emphasis on parents diving in, doing deep work, and processing childhood issues in several presentations. How do you even get started with that? I have a great counselor, but she hasn’t delved too much into my childhood. Does it help to have a counselor versed in giftedness? Are there any good books? How do you start that conversation with your counselor?”

In this video I’ll break down some of the ways you can get going, and clarify some important details so you don’t feel so overwhelmed by the process.

Video Transcript: Click here to download the transcript PDF.

Hey, parents and teachers, what’s going on? It’s me, Seth, and today I’m going to talk about deep inner work. I had an awesome question in one of the Facebook groups about deep inner work. Deep inner work refers to self-development, work that you’re doing on yourself, as a parent, as a teacher, as an adult, I do it many, people do it. The deep inner work is dealing with the very difficult questions, the things that are inside of us that are kind of scary. And I’m going to read this question to you, and then we’re going to talk about the deep inner work. I’m going to talk a little bit about this model that I am using for today to sort of describe this and download this to your brain.

So let’s go ahead and start here with the question that I received in the Facebook group. So we just had TEFOS, The Executive Function Online Summit, and there were all these speakers, 24 speakers total. There are many themes that popped up from all these executive function experts that were repeated over and over and over, which I think is an amazing thing for parents and teachers to know, because when you hear the same exact thing over and over and over by people in the field, even though they’re using completely different words or models to describe it, what it does is it tells you that there is a way to help your child. There are ways to help your child, they’re concrete, this is doable, it can sometimes feel very abstract. But we can do this. There are answers. There are people that spend their lifetimes working on this stuff. So one of the recurring themes that many of the speakers brought up was this, and this is how they wrote it. The person writes, “There was an emphasis on parents diving in, doing deep work, and processing childhood issues in several presentations. How do you even get started with that? I have a great counselor, but she hasn’t delved too much into my childhood, does it help to have a counselor versed in giftedness? Are there any good books? How do you start that conversation with your counselor?”

I’m going to explain the answers to this, I’m going to give you six really clear steps that you can take to get started with this. But before I start, I want to talk about the way that this is framed. And one of the questions, one of the parts of it, it says processing childhood issues in several presentations. The term ‘childhood issues’ can be interpreted negatively, so I don’t want you to be scared away by childhood issues. So we all have baggage, we all have stuff. We all have attachment wounds, we all have stuff in our past. But what I don’t want you to walk away from is thinking is that you have to somehow go back into your childhood, bring up all of these things, delve into all of them and figure out like some magical way that you’re to find something crazy back there that’s gonna like just like answer everything. Here’s the truth about it. It’s messy. Some people have had, some of you watching, have had a lot of trauma. And some of you have had very little trauma, and there are many different types. But we have all had experiences, dysfunctional experiences, that have shaped us. And what we want to do with this deep inner work is sort of getting to the root of what is influencing us. So I just don’t want you to get sidetracked or be like, “Oh, this doesn’t apply to me, I don’t have any childhood issues.” Look, we were impacted and influenced at young ages, we were taught by our parents and the people around, all the people around us, how to live in this world. And some of the things that we learned we’re maladaptive, we’re dysfunctional, are not working for us. And if you are a parent, or a teacher, or an adult who wants to get started diving into doing deep inner work, then I’m going to tell you how to do that. I have six concrete things you can do. And for those of you dads that are watching, not many dads watch this stuff, but I’m just so glad you’re here. I’m in a men’s group myself, this absolutely applies to men as well, in case you were wondering, so I’m really glad you’re here watching this. So there are six steps that I’m going to go through. These are just steps that I made up, but I think it will explain it very clearly. Before I get there, though, we’re looking at how to do deep inner work on ourselves. And it can be scary, but it is doable.

So here’s what I’m going to start with. This is just my model, there are many models that describe a similar thing, but this is how I’m talking about it. Basically we are looking at who is in charge, who is driving our action. And the problem is when we are taking action in our relationships, in our culture, in our careers, in our lives, when we’re taking action, and we are not really in charge. And what I mean by that is all of us, all of you, have had the experience where we look back on something we’re like, “Yeah, well, if I knew what I know, now, I would do things differently.” Why? And we’ll also say things like, “Yeah, I had a feeling that wasn’t going to work out.” Why did we have that feeling? Because there was a voice that was telling us and we were driven by the other voices, what the heck does that mean? Here’s what it means. The body and the story often drives us. The body and the story. The body and the story, and we want to get to the observer. Here’s what that means. What often drives us, we are very often unconscious, robotic, we are just habituated and patterned to do things unconsciously, and just go through life, not making conscious choices, and they can often get us in trouble. They can often not only get us in trouble but not get us what we really want. The type of connection, and relationships, and feelings of a deep sense of peace and joy, and fulfillment in life. We are being ruled by these two things when we are being ruled by the body or the story.

What does that mean? The story is in the mind, the story, the narrative. We often make mountains out of molehills, but at the time we don’t know that we’re doing it. We often misjudge or misperceive things, we often blame others, we feel like a victim, saying “It’s their fault, they did this, they did that. If they weren’t like that, then I wouldn’t be going through this.” So we often get stuck in a story or a narrative that is based on fear, that might be based in not being really honest with ourselves about the entire situation, that might not be empathetic, and compassionate, and understanding of the other person’s point of view. We can get stuck in a story or a narrative in our mind that we believe; we really believe it. Think about your child. Your child has a story that they really believe. And you as the adult might be able to look and be like, “That is not the reality of the situation.” Your perception of the situation is off, but try and get them to see that and that’s very difficult. So that’s what we’re doing here, is we’re trying to as adults, see where our story or narrative in our mind off. And then the body is that we all also have physical reactions, repulsion, withdrawal, a constriction, or a pushing away, an uncomfortableness that we often feel accompanied with our story. So we have a story, and that story usually is one of fear, that we’re not safe, that we’re being threatened somehow. Somehow, that’s the story, that we’re not safe, we’re being threatened, and there’s fear that we’re not going to get what we want, or we might lose something. So we have this fear in the story, and then the body is reacting to that. Usually, we’re responding with fight, flight, or freeze, where the story is telling the amygdala, “Hey, we’re in trouble. We’re not safe,” the amygdala shoots a message to the adrenals, adrenaline goes to the heart, the muscular systems are ready for fight, flight, or freeze. We’re not in our prefrontal thinking brain anymore. We’re not in our good decision making brain, we’re cloudy, we’re running on fear or anger, or these sorts of emotions when we’re not really clear on the situation. So we go back to this, and what happens is, is we hear the story, or we hear the body, we have these uncomfortable feelings, and we want them to stop. We don’t want to feel uncomfortable, we want to feel in control. But those stories often drive us to make decisions that are not really working for us in the long run, they may seem to in the short run, okay. So what we want to do when we are in a story is we want to get to emotional regulation. The ER, emotional regulation, where we are the observer. And what that means is it’s this idea that there’s a part of the mind that’s observing everything where we can sort of step back and say, “Whoa, Seth, dude, why’d you flip off that person in the car? Like, Is that really necessary?” Don’t worry, I don’t do that, actually I did at once. But the point is, are we going to listen to that story or are we going to listen to the observer? When we get really nervous, you know, if we see something, if there was a car that “Oh, I almost got an accident and I’m nervous and I’m angry.” Well, that story is “You’re threatening me,” or “Your car is threatening me so I’m angry and I’m going to fight, flight, or freeze to take care of the situation.” Well, we want to get to is to the observer to say “Okay, maybe they’re having a bad day, maybe they were looking at their cell phone (that really frustrates me), but you know, we’re safe, let’s move on, blah, blah, blah.” This is just an example of a story. But the idea is we want to get to the observer, that objective part in the mind, the non-judgmental, non-critical, clear thinking part of the mind, that can observe the situation in a non-judgmental way so that we can make better decisions. But again, the problem parents is, is that we are often driven by fear, by the uncomfortable sensations in the body that we want to stop. So we resolve that by dealing with the story however we deal with it.

I know, that was a little abstract, but let me get on with this. So, basically, there are six steps that I’m going to suggest about how you start to do the deep inner work so that you can differentiate between the story and the body and hear the observer. Now, the observer can also be called your heart, your gut feeling, what you know to be true, you might be a God-consciousness, a higher awareness, your higher self, people call it all different things. Just a greater awareness. So that awareness, that voice, is always there. The problem is the body and the story and the narrative are very, very, very loud. They scream at you, “Oh, that restaurant, they messed up, blah, blah, blah,” whatever the situation is. The story is very loud. The quiet voice, your heart’s voice, the gut, the truth, is very quiet. So that’s what doing your own deep inner work helps you do, is to hear the quiet voice.

Number 1: So the first step, and for the parent who wrote this in, who wrote this comment in the Facebook group, the first step you’ve done, the first step is being honest with yourself. We have to be honest with ourselves. We don’t have all the answers, we need help. That is a good thing. That’s when we want to teach our kids, how to ask for help, how to have some humility, how to know when we’ve gone beyond our limits with things. So the first step is to be honest with ourselves and say, “Hey, I want to grow, I want to be a better parent or a better teacher, or a better human, or a better coach, or a better me,” or whatever. So being honest with ourselves that “Hey, you know, there’s some things that I’ve got some cognitive dissonance with about me. There are some things that I’m, you know, I’m not crazy about myself, I’d like to look into that.” Okay. So the first thing is to be honest with yourself, you are there. If you’re watching this video, you’re there. If anybody who’s still watching this wants to grow as a person, so don’t overthink it. Step one. Just getting honest with yourself. “I want to grow, I want to learn, I want to see what drives me, is that the narrative and the story and the body? Or am I more being driven by the observer, and the truth, and logic, and reason, and things that are really in everyone’s best interest?

Number 2: Step two is what I’m calling an anti-step. Now I just made these six steps up. But I think you’ll understand where I’m going with this. Step two, in where you start to do your own deep inner work is an anti-step. It’s not a real step, it’s what not to do. Don’t get stuck in analysis paralysis. So oftentimes, after people get honest with themselves, something happens. They’re like, “Man, I really want to work on this aspect of myself.” And they start thinking about it, they think, “How am I going to do that?” Then they get stuck. They get into analysis paralysis, they think, “Oh, I have to get all my ducks in a row and figure out everything before I can get started attacking this stuff. I need a linear step-by-step way to go through this stuff. I don’t feel like it’s the right time. I don’t know if I’m ready.” There is no right time. Okay. We have these limiting thoughts, limiting beliefs, scarcity beliefs, these scarcity stories or limiting stories that we say, “Oh, I can’t afford a counselor. Oh, I can’t afford that book. Oh, I don’t have time to read that book. Oh, I don’t like support groups. Oh, they don’t work for me. Oh, this doesn’t work for me. Oh, that wouldn’t work for me.” We have these limiting beliefs, these blinders that keep us from having an open mind and it’s called analysis paralysis. So step number two, the anti-step is don’t get into analysis paralysis. Don’t overthink it. Okay.

Number 3: Now, step number three is to seek. So there’s a quote by Paulo Coelho, I don’t know if I said his name right, the author of The Alchemist that I love. The quote is “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” So my step number three is to seek. It doesn’t matter how you seek, in my belief, in my sort of spiritual belief or whatever, but if you put your energy out to the universe, I don’t care how you do it, if you pray, or whatever. Really, you want to go scientific and you use the reticular activation system and you focus on finding solutions. So now step three, you start seeking solutions. Look everywhere, ask the universe, ask your religion, ask your priest or rabbi, ask your friends, ask yourself, ask your parents. And kind of the question you’re asking them, or you’re asking yourself is “Hey, look, if you could give me any advice,” I just made this question because I thought this is a good way to do it. But say, “Hey, if you could give me any advice, and you knew I would listen to you openly, and without getting offended, what would you say to me?” And then really hear what they say, and then say, “Tell me more,” and really listen to what they say. But next step is to start seeking, start looking for answers, start looking for the deep inner work and where to start, and ask people, “How do you do your deep inner work and what ideas you have, or books, or resources, or whatever?” But don’t get too overwhelmed. Just start seeking, you’re going to find the answers once you start seeking. So again, the first step to where do you even start is being honest yourself. The second step was, don’t get stuck in analysis paralysis. The third step is to start seeking.

Number 4: Take imperfect action. Just do something, it doesn’t really matter. This is a messy nonlinear process, and it works. But you have to do something, there is no right place to start, just do something. Now one of my favorite, favorite, most amazing things to do is journaling. And you know, a lot of people are like, “I don’t like the limiting belief, I can’t journal, I don’t like journaling, it takes too much time, I can’t think, I can’t write, blah.” That’s just a belief. That’s just a story. I cannot tell you how powerful journaling has been in my life because it slows me down and it gets me thinking on a different level and getting more clarity about, and more of the observer, and I get more clarity about the story that I’m living in, and whether or not that story is working for me. Another thing you can do is get an… Oh, I’m going to show you why, I’ll show you the books later… Get a therapist, a counselor, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, whatever. You can get a somatic therapist, I’m a big fan of somatic therapists, you can get a trauma therapist, what’s called a CBT therapist, not to be confused with CBD, cognitive behavioral therapy, therapist medications, biofeedback. There are many ways to go. Just start seeking. The next thing you can do is talk to a friend over and over and say, “Hey, I’m going on this journey, a new chapter of my life, I’m going to start looking at myself in a different way than I ever have. Can I talk to you often about it? Can we check-in and do accountability?” whatever. The next thing is to meditate and reflect, you can do yoga. It gets your mind very still and it gets you into a meditative state. But meditation, I cannot tell you enough, when I went through panic attack disorder for three years after I was in a coma with basically SARS but ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome), I was in a coma for nine days. After I came out of the coma, I had trauma from that and panic attacks for years where I thought I was suffocating. And meditation was the number one thing that helped me through that period, and helped me because when I was having panic attacks, what do you think that is? That’s the body. The story was “I’m suffocating, I was in a coma, I can’t get enough oxygen, my lungs don’t work, right and I’m gonna die.” That was my story. And I’m scared. So the body was having a reaction of anxiety and panic, okay. And in meditation, I got to really listen, to be the observer and observe these things in a nonjudgmental way. And this was not easy, and it’s not overnight, but I got to start to observe them where they lost their power over me. They weren’t ruling me or driving me anymore. And anxiety and panic no longer do that to me. The next thing is books, podcasts, videos, things like that. YouTube, okay, there are some people I’m going to mention to you. One is Alan Robarge, he’s on YouTube. One is Stan Tatkin, he’s one of my favorite authors in the attachment world. There’s a YouTuber called the Crappy Childhood Fairy. I swear that’s what she calls herself, the Crappy Childhood Fairy. She’s fantastic. Katie Morton, who I tried to get on the summit this year and couldn’t, maybe she’ll be on next year. Same with Alan Robarge, I tried to get him on. And there’s a YouTuber called the Holistic Psychologist. She is fantastic, she has an amazing way of explaining things. And then we’re going to put a plugin for my dear friend Debbie Reber. Her podcast, the TiLT Parenting Podcast, is amazing because she interviews all these experts that go from so many different angles. The next thing I want to mention to you in terms of imperfect action is group programs. Support groups, weekend immersion groups, online courses, men’s groups. Like I said, I’m in a men’s group, I’ve been in many different types of groups for things like this. They’re amazing when you see other people who are like-minded and trying to grow as well, and what you can learn from them in that kind of space. The next thing I want to mention in terms of this is to start researching topics. So research attachment, theory, research, polyvagal theory, research spiritual approaches, if that’s something that you’re into. And I’ll show you a couple of books, or talk about a couple of those in a minute. Then the next thing you can do is creative outlets. So you can do music or dance, or you can do even having a pet can be amazing, talking to your pet. Pets can really help you regulate emotion. There’s equine therapy, there are so many more creative outside-the-box things that can be very healing and very revealing. Poetry, music, whatever you do. Then the last one I have is to ask others what to do. Ask people, ask people in the grocery store that you don’t know, ask people that you do know ask, ask anybody what they do to sort of do that. So those were the imperfect actions, I just listed a bunch of imperfect actions that you can start with, so jot some of those down, get started.

Now I’m going to show you a couple of books. So I like Stan Tatkin a lot. He’s in the attachment world. There’s a book called ‘Polyvagal Theory for Therapists,‘ which I’m not a therapist, and that book is amazing. Also ‘The Self-Driven Child,‘ we had the authors of this on TEFOS last year. That is a fantastic book to get started. ‘Soul Craft‘ is a really interesting book that I don’t want to ruin for you, but really talks about how to do an approach to deep inner work. I have not read this book, but I found it in a bookstore or a used bookstore, ‘You’re Not Crazy. It’s Your Mother Understanding and Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.‘ So then there’s Brittany Brown, this is one of Brittany Brown’s book, ‘The Gifts of Imperfection,‘ ‘The Writers Journey,‘ which really helps a lot with journaling and stuff. So anyhow, there are a few books, but obviously, there’s a million out there.

Number 5: Okay, step number five. So we just did take imperfect action, step five, the next step. The next step, step number five is persistence. Patiently and persistently keep going. There’s an old Calvin Coolidge quote, “Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “Press On” has solved and will always solve the problems of the human race.” So the next step here is persistence. Keep taking imperfect action, just keep going. It’s baby steps people, it’s the tiny things, that’s what’s gonna get you there. And finally, number six, oh, and I say this in my coaching a lot. The baby steps, the micro-successes, two steps forward, one step back, it feels like you’re not getting traction but you will. And then number six.

Number 6: The last step, the last step isn’t even a step. Let me go over the first five to lead into this. If you are honest with yourself, you want to grow, then you don’t get stuck in analysis paralysis and overthinking. Then number three, you seek and you look for answers. Then number four, you take imperfect action. Then number five, you persist and keep taking imperfect action. Then you will come to number six. I promise you, I promise you, these are very long journeys. Oftentimes when you’re looking at things that are difficult to look at, it has a very long dark tunnel. It feels like “When am I ever going to get out of this?” There will come a day, with this step six, if you are persistent, there will come a day when you look back and you say “Wow, I started doing this deep inner work stuff. I started working on this, that, and the other. I’m not there anymore. It’s behind me. I am not there anymore.” I promise you, people watching, this will happen. If you’re persistent. You’ll be able to look back and say, “Wow, I’ve got some peace around that issue. I’ve got some peace in my heart. I’ve done some healing around this. I’ve got deeper joy, deeper peace, I’ve got a little bit more self-love, and self-compassion, I’m in a better place. And I’m in a better place where I can be of better service to my family and my children.” And if you’re a teacher, to the students that you work with, and yourself in the world, in your community. There will come a day when you look back and those things that can feel like you’re very stuck in right now will be behind you in a positive way. Where you haven’t just avoided them, but you’ve worked through them.

That’s all I got for today. I didn’t even introduce myself in this video. My name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach in Colorado, and I help struggling students navigate this thing called education so that they can have a great life. If you like what I’m doing, give me a thumbs up. Leave a comment. Tell me what you think of this video. What are your thoughts about this stuff? What ideas do you have? Share that below and subscribe on my YouTube channel, which helps my channel grow. And on my site, SethPerler.com. I have free freebies for parents and teachers, you can sign up to subscribe. Every Sunday I send something out. Have a fantastic day. Be good to yourself. I hope you have peace and joy and connection with your kids. The most important thing in the world is your relationship with your kids. If you have a good connection, enjoy with your family today. Take care.

Student Success Mindsets for Fall 2020

Good thoughts. Good deeds. Good actions.

Parents: Please watch entire video then share with your child if you think it may be helpful.

About: To get the most out of this video, print & post this PDF it where you will easily see it (you can post in multiple places). This PDF has the mindsets from this video. Read this daily in the morning and before you go to sleep. While reading, envision it all happening, because you are a strong and capable person and you can do anything you work for. Feel free to use this or create your own version. I made 2 versions on your PDF here, a detailed one and a simpler one. I recommend reading the detailed one for at least a month before using just the simpler version, so you can get used to the deeper ideas.

Have a great fall!

Seth Perler

ps – click here for your free PDF

Video Transcript: Click here to download the transcript PDF.

Middle, high school, college students, what’s up? It’s me, Seth. And in this video, I’m going to talk to you about mindsets for this fall. Mindsets for this fall, mindsets to help you be successful for this fall, but also, because if you have these mindsets for this fall, it will literally help you have a better life, a better future, more freedom, more fun, more choices, possibilities, opportunities in your future life. Mindsets for this fall. All right, good thoughts, good deeds, good actions, here’s the deal, yo. What’s up is. This fall is going to be insane. It’s weird, it’s bizarre, it’s crazy, we’ve got this pandemic thing going on, we don’t know what’s going to happen. You’re going to be doing online classes, in-person, classes a mix, who knows. Sometimes it’s going to be hard, sometimes it’s going to be boring, sometimes it’s just going to get old, sometimes it’s going to get confusing, there’s gonna be all this change and uncertainty. But you still have the opportunity to plant seeds in your life for you, for your future and get as much out of this regardless of how crazy it is and bizarre it is, get as much out of it as you can for your own life, your own future. But, but there’s a big but, the but is that we procrastinate. We’re not motivated, we don’t want to try, we get so frustrated. What happens is we start getting behind, and we start finding ways, and having excuses, and not taking action that is actually good for our lives. I know the screen time is gonna get old. You know, sometimes you might not like the teacher, or the subject, or what you’re asked to do, it’s all gonna get old. But the more you can invest as much as you can yourself, the better life you’re going to have. So I want to give you 10 mindsets that will help your life this fall. And what I’ve done with these 10 mindsets is I’ve made a PDF with three pages on it. The first two pages explain the mindsets, the third one has a short version of it. You can put it up on your wall and read it every day and I have instructions on how you can do that. But let me go through what these mindsets are and how they’re going to help change your life. And please, if you’re watching this, and your parents are like, “Hey, check this guy out. See, if you like this video,” just give this a chance, have an open mind, and just give it a chance for a few minutes and see what you think.

Number 1: The number one mindset to have for this fall is this, “I choose me,” meaning you choose you. “I invest in myself, I choose me, even when I don’t feel like it. And it’s just so daunting to do my schoolwork or whatever, I choose me because I’m planting seeds so that I can have a great future for myself. I’m gonna do this, I choose me, even when I’m resistant, I choose me.”

Number 2: “I make an impact.” Do you know that you matter? You completely matter. The world needs you, you literally have very specific characteristics and qualities. You impact the world right now and in your future, when you’re an adult, you get to have an impact on the world. What kind of an impact you want to have is really the question. So invest in yourself, not only because it’s for you and for your future, but the more you invest in yourself, the more you contribute and make an impact to your family, your community, the world, nature, the earth, the planet, what you do makes an impact. You get to decide how you want to make an impact and that’s a cool thing because you have freedom and choices.

Number 3: Next, three is, “I do my best, and then I do a little bit better.” So what you want to do is do your personal best. When I was when I was a young person, I felt like my personal best was horrible. It was horrible. But what I did that was my saving grace is I would do my personal best, and it may have not even been that good, but it was my best, and then I did a tiny bit better. And when you get in the habit of doing your best and doing a little bit better, you’re gonna get what’s called grit, or resilience. People who don’t have grit and resilience give up, they get stuck in life, they really struggle as adults, okay. They blame everybody, they’re a victim. But people who do their best and a little bit better, that will open doors and opportunities. So when things get hard for people, and they’ve learned to be resilient, they don’t give up. They put a little effort in, they’re patient, they’re persistent, they keep trying, and eventually, they have great successes, and life can feel really good. So number three is “I do my best and then I do a little bit better.”

Number 4: “I speak up. I advocate for myself.” When I need help, I say “Hey, I need help.” When I don’t get it. I say “Hey, I really need some help here. I’m proud of myself. I’m humble. I’m not perfect and need some help.” The most successful people in the world, whether they’re musicians that you like, athletes that you like, entrepreneurs that you like, authors like, whoever, the most successful people in the world know how to ask for help, and they know how to receive help. That is what we do. So number four is “I speak up, I speak up, I speak my truth. I don’t just act like I’m perfect and like I have to have everything figured out.” You don’t. Your parents don’t have it figured out. Your teachers don’t have it figured out. Nobody on this entire planet has it figured out. We’re all trying to figure it out. There’s no rulebook to life. So speak up when you need help, it’s a very important thing to learn how to do.

Number 5: “I don’t let distractions get the best me.” Look, we live in a noisy world, there are so many distractions, squirrel, there are so many distractions. And distractions, the problem with them is when they hold us back from what’s most important and they keep us from doing things that are planting seeds for ourselves. So we don’t let distractions get the best of us. You don’t let it get in the way of what’s most important, which is the people in your life. That’s the most important thing is the people in your life, and then having a life that matters with choices and opportunities.

Number 6: “I don’t give my inner critic much attention.” In my mind, I have an inner critic. So do you, so does your mom, so does your dad, so does every human being on Earth. Even the most confident people you can imagine have an inner critic. What does that inner critic do? That inner critic says, “You can’t do this. This is stupid. You don’t have to do this. Put it off. Do it later. Do it tomorrow. You’re not smart. You’re dumb. You can’t handle this. It’s too hard. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.” You know, the inner critic says “I’m not enough. I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not cool enough. I’m not funny enough. I’m not interesting enough.” The inner critic is in there telling me all these bad things about myself. So if I try to play guitar, if I try to do something, you know, with friends, it’s always in there kind of nagging at me, and the most successful people in the world have the inner critic, but they don’t listen to it. They don’t give it, they give more attention to the positive. “I can do this. I can accomplish anything. I can work hard. I can figure it out. Yes, it’s challenging. Yes, I want to give up sometimes, but I got this, I can figure it out. I’m amazing. I’m worthy. I’m a good person.” And you have to take baby steps. We often get stuck because we think we need big steps. But we just gotta not listen to that inner critic and take action.

Number 7: “I’m honest with myself about my strengths and limitations.” We lie to ourselves, all of us, your parents, do, I do we all lie to ourselves. But do we want to listen to the lying voice or the honest voice? So it’s human nature to be unrealistic about things and what we struggle with in school is we are unrealistic about how much effort is needed to do an assignment. And where I’m realistic about how long it will take to read a novel, or to write a paper, or to study for a test, or to do our homework, and that being unrealistic with ourselves gets us in trouble. We need to really listen to our mind and listen for the truth. What’s the truth here? You know, okay, yeah, “I think I’m gonna do my project. And I always put it off to the last minute, then it’s the night before, then I turn it in, and I didn’t do a good job on it. Even though I got a B, I faked it. And it really wasn’t what I was trying to do”. So anyhow, we need to really be honest with ourselves about our limitations, and be realistic about how much energy things take.

Number 8: “I focus on the good,” okay, I focus on the good. It’s so easy to focus on the negative, what we don’t have what we want, what we wish we had, the way we wish things are. How this person did this wrong, and that person did this thing, and that was so stupid, and this person is they just need to do things the other way. And we blame them and we’re like a victim. You know what? Focusing on the good, gratitude, thankfulness, what we do have in life, that’s a mindset that is going to get you so far, because we default to the negative. We have to work hard actually to be positive, it doesn’t necessarily come naturally to us to be positive, we have to work for it. “I focus on the good” is number eight.

Number 9: You might not like this one, but hear me out. “I let my parents help.” I know, they don’t help the right way, or when they help it’s annoying, or it’s nagging, or you just want them off your back or whatever. You are supposed to be pushing your parents away biologically. And what I mean by that is you get to an age when you’re an adolescent, when you’re like, “I want to be independent. I don’t want my parents helping me I don’t want them bugging me about this. I got this.” But we again, like I said before, we have to be realistic about it. Your parents are just trying to help. They may not know exactly how to so that’s the other part of this. “I let my parents help, but I don’t let them enable me which is not helpful.” So there are ways that they help or they’re doing too much for you. Don’t let them do that, that doesn’t help you. “I let them help because I do want to be an independent adult. And the more I let them help now, the quicker I’m going to be an independent adult.” So there’s a good time to accept help from them. And there’s a positive, healthy way to accept help for them. So instead of just getting frustrated at them and saying, “Mom, Dad, leave me alone, get off my back, I got this, why don’t you trust me? Stop bugging me, stop nagging me. Say, “Hmm, I would love your help. But I want you to know how I want your help.” And then tell them how you want the help. They’re not mindreaders.

Number 10: “The world needs my unique gifts.” The world needs you. You have very unique qualities. So what you want to do is build on your strengths, your interests, your passions, your talents, your gifts, even if you don’t think you have any. Build on whatever you enjoy. Build those things because you’re an awesome person and the world needs you. You do have something special to offer. You’re going to find purposeful, meaningful work. If you look forward and you have these mindsets. And finally, 11 is a bonus.

Number 11: “I take 100% responsibility for my own happiness, success, and well-being.” We like to blame others, but when we take responsibility for ourselves, full responsibility, you know, our parents push us or teachers push us, it seems like they’re taking responsibility, like they want it more than us. They might encourage us they might try to help us. But ultimately, it’s up to you. “My life is 100% my responsibility and up to me how I create my life. And if I have bad things happen in my life, I can’t just blame everybody for what’s happened in my life. I got to look here first. What can I do to create a great life?” So it’s ultimately up to me. Yeah, bad things happen. That’s true. But the majority of it, it’s up to me. So the bonus is, “I take 100% responsibility.”

So um, let me go through those real quick. Here’s where we go. One: I choose me. Two: I make an impact. Three: I do my best, then a little bit better. Four: I speak up for myself. Five: I don’t let distractions, squirrel, get the best to me. Six: I don’t get my inner critic much attention. Seven: I’m honest with myself about my strengths and my limitations. Eight: I focus on the good. Nine: I let my parents help. 10: The world needs me. 11: I take 100% responsibility for my happiness, success, and well-being. So I put a little bonus line on there that says, “Finally,” and this is about you, “Finally I’m an amazing human being,” you are, “I’m kind, generous, thoughtful, caring, loving, smart, talented, capable. Even though I always try to be a better person. I like, appreciate, accept myself exactly for who I am today.” You are perfect where you’re at today. You are. There’s nothing to change. I’m not saying don’t try, but really we can accept that we’re right where we’re supposed to be. So I hope those mindsets help you. I hope you take them to heart. I hope you practice them. Try them out for a month, print these things up, see what it does to your life. Make up your own if you want to, and have an amazing day. My name is Seth Perler. I’m a coach in Boulder, Colorado. I help struggling students navigate this thing called education so that you can have a great life. Hit subscribe if you want, share it with people if you want, comment if you want, let me know what you think. Be good to yourself. Be good to others. Take care.

We know this fall is full of educational uncertainty! So if your child already struggles with executive function, it will be even more challenging with all the disruptions this fall! This video explains 3 KEY areas to consider and I give you a clear framework to help you get going with more sanity! Get ready to hit pause a lot and take some notes!

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Video Transcript: Click here to download the transcript PDF.

Hey, parents, what’s up? It’s me, Seth with SethPerler.com. I’m an executive function coach in Colorado and I help struggling students navigate this thing called education so that they can have a great life. Whoa, look me, I look kind of crazy today with my pandemic haircut. What’s up parents? I have an important message for you today. And that message is this. Today’s date is Friday, July 31. My blog goes out on Sundays, so you’ll be seeing this Sunday; start now to get ready for school. Your school is going to start most likely in August or the beginning of September. Things are crazy, start now. What does Seth mean by start now? If your child struggles with executive function, so if you have a child who struggles with time management, organization, planners, missing work, late work, incompletes, zeros. They’re often unprepared. They have difficulty transitioning from one thing to the other. They don’t appear very motivated, they are very resistant, they procrastinate a lot, those sorts of things. If your child struggles with these things, start prepping now. Now, you may or may not get buy-in from your child. That’s a whole nother issue, but trust me to start prepping now.

What does that mean? What is Seth talking about prepping? So basically, in my work, I talk about three things. So when working with a student who struggles, how do we get them to turn the corner so that they’re pretty on top of it. Not perfect, but they’re pretty on top of it. That is a long journey. Okay. So how do we do that? There are three things that I, Seth as the coach, what I do with students to help them get to that point. What are those three things? (1) systems, (2) mindsets, (3) habits and routines. I’m running an executive function conference starting on August 21. Check it out, TEFOS, executivefunctionsummit.com. The experts on there, it’s so cool to hear how they have different models that are basically the same sorts of things. So you should check that out because that will help you. But you can just listen to what I’m saying now. Systems mindsets, habits and routines. What does that mean, parents? What can you be setting up now, before school starts, proactively not reactively so that your child can hit the ground running and have a better chance at not hitting the mid-semester dip where everything falls apart. You’re going to be dealing with that stuff anyway, you just want to minimize that. You want to help them be more successful. And by being proactive, you will do that.

Number one: Systems. When you’re doing systems, I have a bunch of stuff on my site, you can check out for how to do the systems, but I want you to set up their folders early, color-coded, clearly labeled, organized. If they’re doing digital folders in Google Classroom or Google Docs, set up those color-coded folders for each class online early, proactively. Systems means getting their planner front-loaded, I have videos on that. Getting their planner whether it’s digital, or whether it’s an analog planner, getting that set up and front-loaded now before school starts. Getting their SSS, their sacred study space. Right now I’m at my standing desk. I have my mic here, I’m peaking to my computer here. I have all my guitars there. I have all my school supplies on my standing desk here, my supplies that I use. Help your child get a sacred study space, a place where they can concentrate free of distractions, and optimize for focus. So those sorts of things, I could go on with some more systems. But generally speaking, start to get these systems built out, think through what they’re going to need to be successful, proactively. Again, you can use my Systems Assessment, which is somewhere on my website to help you do that. It lays out everything you need to know. 

Number two: Mindsets. Your child is resistant. The resistance mindset, which is something I struggle with, with executive function. You may struggle with it as a parent, I am resistant. I want to procrastinate, we have excuses. We don’t want to take action on things that are not fun, that are not interesting, that are not meaningful. And oftentimes when it comes to like your school, prepping for school, or writing a paper, or studying for a test, or doing homework, they can be resistant. Or using a planner or whatever. They can be resistant. So that’s a mindset, and the mindset with resistance is “This is too hard. This is too much. I’m lazy. I’m stupid. I can’t do it. I don’t feel like it. I’ll do it tomorrow.” These are all mindsets and stories. So working on the mindset of “I can do this. I can be successful. I care about myself. I want to have a great future. No, I don’t like all of it, but I can handle it. I can do a little bit of time.” We want to work on the mindsets proactively, systems, mindsets. What was the last one I said?

Number three: Habits and routines. Systems, mindsets, habits and routines. What kind of habits and routines are your kids going to need this fall? Are they going to need a good habit and routine for wake-up time? For getting moving, for getting to the online class or getting to the school, or whatever is going on? Are they going to need a good habit and routine for going to bed? What about dealing with electronics? What time do we turn them off? What about habits and routines for fitness, exercise, sleep, nutrition? What about habits and routines for chores or responsibilities, and fun too? When are we going to have family fun and connect? So what kinds of habits and routines do you need to build in for this fall?

I don’t have all the answers for you, but I want to give you a simple framework. So if you’re going to write anything down from this video, this is what I want you to write down. One, be proactive. Two, write down the systems, mindsets, habits and routines that would help your child this fall. Go ahead and take out a piece of paper, write systems. Take another paper, write mindsets. Take another piece of paper to write habits and routines. When you write down mindsets, write resistance mindsets and positive or productive or helpful mindsets. And start making lists of these things. And then sit down with your child and start to think through how you can proactively start to implement the systems, mindsets, and routines. Why? Again, so that they can hit the ground running and have a much more successful fall than they would if they hit the ground with a mess of stuff. Then they’re trying to figure out how to build their systems after everything.

One last note, in prepping, some of the teachers are going to have their supply lists early, or their syllabi early, or their websites updated with a great note that’s helpful to you early. Look at those, bookmark those, and start looking at what the teachers told you proactively so that you can better prep in your systems, mindsets, habits and routines.

My name is Seth Perler. I’m an executive function coach in Colorado and I help struggling students navigate this thing called education so they can have a great life. Give this video a thumbs up, it helps me on YouTube. Subscribe on YouTube, that helps my word get out to more people. And if you like this, please share it with somebody, that helps my work get to more people as well. I appreciate you. I hope you’re safe, healthy, that you have a little bit of joy in your heart today and peace in your heart today. And that you have a good, good, real connection time with your child and your family today. Be well, I’ll see you soon.