Am I A Good Parent?

Hey families, what’s up?

It’s me, Seth from SethPerler.com. I hope you’re having a great day.

I’m coming to you today from Cougar Mountain, just outside of Seattle. I recently gave some talks here in Seattle, and I’ll be heading back to Colorado later today.

For this week’s blog, I wanted to share something really interesting.

I had my very first meetup with people who follow my blog. I currently have about 8,000 people subscribed, and I thought, “Let’s see what happens if we organize a meetup.”

About ten people came to a great little restaurant in Capitol Hill, Seattle, and the conversation was incredibly interesting.

One of the parents shared something that really stood out to me.

She said:

“I hear parents complain that they have to tell their child once or twice to do their work, and they think that’s frustrating. That’s my dream. I would love to only have to ask once or twice. For us, it’s a battle just to get our child to do anything.”

I’m paraphrasing, but that was the essence of what she was saying.

What I really want to leave you with today is this:

You are not alone.

Not only are you not alone, but there are thousands and thousands of families facing very similar challenges.

I have over 8,000 people on my mailing list, and there are tens of thousands—if not hundreds of thousands—of families raising neurodiverse children who simply do not fit inside the traditional educational box.

This is not just a handful of kids.

It’s not just a few isolated cases.

It’s not just an occasional outlier.

The bell curve is flattening, and the number of outliers is growing.

Parents, do you understand what I’m saying?

You are not alone.

There are countless families navigating these same struggles.

Unfortunately, there’s also a tremendous amount of shame wrapped around all of this.

Many parents feel like they’re doing something wrong.

They worry they’ll be judged by schools, society, other parents, or the culture around them.

They feel like they’re failing.

They feel like they’re not good enough.

Because of that, many families keep their struggles hidden.

They don’t talk openly about what’s happening at home.

But after meeting these parents—and after receiving countless emails and working with so many families—I can tell you this:

This is not some tiny, isolated issue.

There is a very large population of students who do not fit into the traditional educational model.

These are atypical learners.

They’re atypical thinkers.

They’re neurodiverse children.

And there is nothing wrong with them.

They are not broken.

They do not need to be fixed.

There is nothing inherently wrong with your child.

In fact, even the word “wrong” is the wrong word.

Many of these kids grow up feeling defective.

They feel broken.

They feel ashamed.

They feel like there’s something wrong with them.

But the reality is that they simply have unique brains.

They are neurodiverse.

That doesn’t mean weird.

It doesn’t mean strange.

It doesn’t mean broken.

And it certainly doesn’t mean less capable.

Honestly, I get frustrated because I see so many kids suffering in school and so many parents suffering right alongside them.

Parents often feel like they’re doing something wrong, but the truth is that you never received an instruction manual.

It’s 2018, and we know more than ever about what these kids need.

The problem is that much of that knowledge still isn’t mainstream.

So, again:

There is nothing wrong with your child.

The real question we should be asking is:

How do we meet their unique needs?

I’ll say that again.

The question is:

How do we meet the needs of neurodiverse children?

My answer isn’t complicated.

There’s an old saying in special education that eventually became common in gifted education as well:

“Special education best practices are best practices for everyone.”

“Gifted education best practices are best practices for everyone.”

Teachers watching this probably already know exactly what that means.

What it means is that students who fall outside the norm often require more individualized, differentiated instruction.

You can look up the concept of differentiation if you’re unfamiliar with it.

The point is that these students need learning experiences that are less cookie-cutter and more personalized to their unique strengths, challenges, interests, and ways of thinking.

And honestly, that’s best practice for all students.

Every child benefits when education becomes more personalized.

The challenge is that this requires tremendous effort from schools and teachers.

Teachers need:

• More resources

• More funding

• More support

• More time

• Better training

In my opinion, we need to train teachers to be artists.

We need to support them so they can creatively meet the needs of a diverse group of learners.

Instead, many teachers are burning out.

Nearly half leave the profession within five years.

That is not sustainable.

We need to support teachers if we want them to support our kids.

I wanted to share these thoughts because it’s the beginning of the school year, and many parents are already seeing what I call “the dip.”

I’m hearing about it in emails every day.

Kids are beginning to struggle.

Parents are asking questions about IEPs, 504 plans, advocacy, accommodations, and how to help their children succeed.

And I hear the same stories over and over again.

Not because parents are failing.

Not because kids are failing.

But because the underlying problems haven’t changed.

Parents, you are not broken.

You do not need to be fixed.

Do you need to learn about these issues and educate yourself? Absolutely.

But is there something wrong with you?

No.

You did not receive an instruction manual.

The educational system simply has not evolved enough to meet the needs of many of today’s learners.

There are amazing educators doing incredible work.

There are innovators.

There are passionate teachers.

There are people creating meaningful change.

But the system as a whole has not changed enough.

And many powerful interests benefit from keeping things exactly as they are.

Textbook companies.

Curriculum companies.

Testing companies.

Technology vendors.

Many people profit from maintaining the status quo.

Real change will only happen when parents and teachers become deeply informed and begin advocating together.

When enough people say:

“I’m not the only one dealing with this.”

“My child deserves support.”

“We need better solutions.”

That’s when things start to move.

Think about this:

Roughly one in five children is significantly neurodiverse.

Go to a playground and look around.

One out of every five kids.

How many families does that represent?

A lot.

And many families have more than one child.

Even parents of more typical learners don’t want their children to grow up average.

They want their children to thrive.

They want their strengths nurtured.

They want their needs met.

So this conversation matters to everyone.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with you.

There’s nothing wrong with your child.

That doesn’t mean we ignore the challenges.

Of course not.

If you’re watching this video, you’re probably looking for solutions because you’re trying your best to help your child.

But I want you to walk away from this video thinking:

“We’re not crazy.”

“We’re not broken.”

“There is nothing wrong with us.”

“There are many other families in the same boat.”

Then ask:

• How do we connect with those families?

• How do we bring these conversations out into the open?

• How do we remove the shame?

• How do we support teachers?

• How do we advocate for meaningful change?

Most importantly, I want you to remember this:

You are doing the best you know how to do.

Stop shaming yourself.

Stop guilting yourself.

Be proud of the effort you’re making.

Connect with other people.

Build a community.

And never lose sight of the most important thing.

In my opinion, the most important thing you can ever do for your child is build a strong relationship with them.

Spend quality time together.

Focus on connection.

Your child may struggle in school.

They may fail classes.

They may face challenges.

But if you have built a healthy, secure relationship with them, that relationship becomes the foundation for everything else.

It doesn’t have to be perfect.

Just keep moving in that direction.

Because when your child gets older and faces real-life problems, you want them to come to you.

You want them to trust you.

You want them to seek your guidance.

You want them to feel connected to you.

That relationship is number one.

At least in the back of your mind, always keep working on the relationship.

I hope you have a great day.

Again, this is Seth from SethPerler.com.

If you found this helpful, give it a thumbs-up, share it with someone you care about, and subscribe if you haven’t already.

Have a great day.