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High schooler gives up [includes email template to send teachers]

Here’s a real email one of my students sent his mom last week:

Ok. I have given it everything and i have nothing I can do. My 100% just isn’t good enough to pass. It is too late to do anything. There goes that trip. I’m done.

There are so many kids with EF challenges who are going through similar overwhelm right now. Of course there are things he can do. Of course it’s not too late. But it’s important to deeply understand that this is how he feels. He is emotionally overwhelmed.

Here’s a quick pattern breakdown:

It’s the end of the year.
Missing and late assignments have piled up.
Grades have plummeted.
Overwhelm is in full force.
Kids don’t even know where to begin because there are so many details to deal with.
They avoid.
Spring fever in full force too, so motivation is even lower because of this.
Parents try every strategy they have: everything from pushing too hard to the opposite end of the spectrum and letting go completely.
The last day of school comes in the blink of an eye.

What can you do to help your child?

In a nutshell, here are the steps I generally use to successfully help a student out of this bind:

Get clarity on what needs to be done. How? 2 main ways: 1. Print the detailed view of the grades from each class to see the breakdown. 2. Email teachers to get clarity (see below).
Have an emotionally calm conversation with the student to strategize chunk by chunk.
Help them get started. SO MUCH OF THIS IS ABOUT STARTING. Help them get momentum over and over and over.
Stay closely connected with the student to monitor progress, encourage them, help them chip away at it. This is not a quick fix or a one time conversation. It’s a few weeks of close support. (Yes, of course they are going to be resistant, but keep trying).
Repeat steps every couple days and do not “trust” them when they say, “ok, I’ve got it, now leave me alone.” It’s not that they are “lying” to you, they simply do not have enough of the executive function skills necessary to turn it around independently yet. So stay on them, ask how you can help, don’t give up.

Here’s the advocacy email I sent to each of his teachers:

Feel free to copy, paste and edit this email for your own use. Again, if your child is in this situation and you want to help them, you need clarity asap. That’s the point of this email. I keep it short and to the point, no fluff. (ps – you can search my blog for the word “advocacy” to see other insights I have posted about advocating for your child).

Hi Ms. X,

Seth Perler here. I’ve been Josh’s Executive Function coach for the past couple years.

He’s struggling to pull it together in some classes right now, so I’m sending a quick email to get clarity so I can help him through the overwhelm.

Looking to find out:

How is Josh doing?

What should he prioritize as far as makeup work is concerned?

What big paper, exam or project is upcoming? (and is there a rubric, study guide, link, etc. for it?)

Feel free to shoot me a super short email with key details.

Thanks for your time,

Seth

If they don’t email you back within 48 hours, resend the exact email. Make the subject line say, “IMPORTANT: JOSH”. Make the first sentence say, “Hey Ms. X. Hope you’re well. I am resending the email below because we need help ASAP! I know you’re busy, but please give me a quick response today if you can so I can support my child.”

Repeat this step every day if they don’t respond. CC it to admin or other teachers if it goes more than 2 or 3 days. You are not being annoying, you are trying to support your child.

Now take action. Good luck parents,

Seth

[Podcast] 5 Action Steps to Help your ADHD Child

I was recently interviewed on Jennie Friedman’s podcast, See in ADHD. In addition to producing a fantastic podcast, Jennie is an ADHD coach out of Long Island, NY who runs workshops and speaks. In this podcast I go over 5 specific action steps to take regarding how to best help your ADHD child with their school. Listen to the podcast on Jennie’s site here. (44 min) There is also a great little bonus episode 243 that we did on decluttering. (6 min) You can also find it on the iTunes link below. Listen to the See in ADHD ep242 on iTunes here. To support Jennie, you can also leave an iTunes review here! See Jennie’s homepage here. Finally, you can download her free guide, “5 Mindset Coaching Strategies to Overcome Procrastination.”

Note: If you like what I’m doing, please take a moment to *share* by clicking below. Thanks! -Seth

[Video] What is a “Naturalistic Learner”? Howard Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences

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Naturalistic Learners are students who have strengths in intelligence related to nature. They may be highly connected to nature in many ways: They may have a deep love of plants, animals, people, rocks, nature, being outdoors, camping, hiking, rock climbing, biology, astrology, dinosaurs, etc..

These kids often struggle in school, and unfortunately, their naturalistic strengths are often not valued in our “standards-based” culture.

Here are links to the main concepts I mentioned in this video:

Howard Gardner the guy who came up with Multiple Intelligence Theory
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and Self Actualization
What are Visual-Spatial Learners? As defined by Linda Silverman.
Right-brained, global, big picture learners. A concept by Jeffrey Freed.
Content, process, product. A framework for teaching.
Gap years. Blake Boles’ blog, he’s got some great resources.
Overexcitabilities. Concept by Dabrowski.
Understanding “emotional regulation”.

Love my work and want to give? Click here! To support me, please CLICK at the bottom to share. Click here to visit my official YouTube Channel & subscribe if you want! Thank you — Seth

Reading the transcript? Great! We’re currently uploading hundreds of transcripts so you can read them asap, but they are NOT all edited yet. This is a big process. If you notice anything wrong and want to help us, feel free to click this Google Form to share it. Thanks so much for pitching in! – Seth

Video transcript:

Running for Moab Utah. This doesn’t step bro., And I’m doing some Road trippin right now. And I’m in The Amazing Moab, Utah and the rocks that you see behind me or leave it or not. They are 2,500 feet below the Rocks across the street that used to be the exact same height the ones right here and the ones right here. We’re actually the same height but six million years ago. There’s a big crack in the ground and that crack it’s called the Moab fault not fault runs right straight through here. And yeah, and that’s actually the fault right there where that road goes. There is a reason is I want to talk a little bit about multiple intelligence theory and some things that go along with it. There’s a gardener. I think she’s somewhere I don’t quite remember. I was really into his stuff for a while and then I integrated and I mixed it with a bunch of other paradigms. I really like that one of the things that Gardner talks about is the multiple Multiple intelligences, he talked about these 7 multiple intelligences and then I believe he created 8 and then I believe he created more but he didn’t really Publix at work if I’m telling the story correctly because he couldn’t locate areas in the brain for them. For example, if there is a spiritual intelligence and you couldn’t locate a part in the brain for it, but supposedly he felt he found parts of the brain for all these different intelligences queso. There is a logical mathematical there is linguistic. There’s interpersonal intrapersonal are the seven intelligences and one and then there is a and I believe they’re still ain’t but one of the intelligence is he talks about is called naturalistic and I completely geek out on science nature rocks plants animals. I always have and I’ve noticed in my practice that I get these students. Sometimes you really struggle and conventional classroom, but who are brilliantly gifted and naturalistic ways and their relationship to Nature in some way shape or And one of the tragedies as you well know is that when kids struggle in school and start to feel bad about themselves and starts cross that threshold where they start say learning isn’t funner. They start to believe that learning isn’t fun when it’s not learning at the experience at they’re having a school that’s not fun for them and they start to resent learning a resent school. They don’t want to try they start giving up on certain class classes or subjects. Obviously that’s tragic and the most tragic thing is when they really give up on themselves and they can’t stop by actualize and they don’t understand that their strengths are tremendous and to be developed in that they can develop their their strength in terms of for example, their naturalistic ability and they can create a career or multiple lifetime careers that will Empower them to be happy to contribute and to self-actualize and that this that sort of thing so I took so Notes today and I want to go through a few of these notes hear about what I want to mention about these particular students. So these particular students they tend to struggle with linear systems. So again, they will appear to be poor students in a conventional setting they will appear to be really struggling and hat they will have trouble academically and they don’t shine in this situation. So they struggle of linear systems that could be a school that can be linear systems that a particular teachers implementing in classroom. They tend to be very visual spatial. They see things differently. They they’re seeing things in their head that can’t be assessed on on Bubble test or in a lot of classroom assignments or in a lot of busywork. So they’re able to visualize and imagine things. For example, I have one student who is a brilliant rock climber. So in rock climbing, there’s something called reading The Rock So when you’re going to climb a route, you actually have to read it yet to visualize yourself going up the Rock and where you’re going to make hold so he for example can visualize that brilliantly so that’s something that’s not measured on Tesla’s ability to visualize things. They tend to be very right brained Global big picture thinker so they struggle with details, but they’re great with underlying Concepts. And once they also once they do Master in area, even if they can’t articulate it verbally or in writing they can they can show that they have mastered something in their actions. Okay. So there are other ways that people can show things in this brings me to contact called content process and product. So there is an idea behind teaching that you have three things of the content, which is what you teach the process which is how you teach at or how you learn it and the product which is how you show your learning and these kids if you can Teachers if you can give them alternate ways to to choose the content or to deliver the contents of them if you can help them process the content differently and if you can get them Alternatives in their product and how they show their learning and make those things more naturalistic all three of those content process and product making more relatable to them. You can help them be more successful. So think about creative ways that you can do content process and product with these kids. Let’s see what else we have. These kids are often very intuitive very sensitive very deep Steelers that reminds me of dabrowski dabrowski has now passed on the left the world with his concept of something called overexcitabilities that he noticed with gifted and talented kid. And what do you really meant by Riverside abilities to me was sensitivities in various ways and there’s a sensory sensitivities there’s there and there’s emotional. Why want to talk about the emotional and these kids tend to feel very deeply so if they feel criticized by A teacher asked or something. They really internalized that very very very very very deeply. They’re really affected by buy those things that overwhelm them emotionally when they feel like they’re not being understood. So a lot of these kids really feel misunderstood so you can look up dabrowski’s overexcitabilities and really understand about how sensitive some of these kids are I think is that all we tend to forget how intensely life can feel as a kid. Let’s see what else we got here. So with these kids you really do want to get them different experiences. One of the great things for these kids is giving them Gap years. They need experience has to do things differently. Trust me kids can learn and be educated and have educational experiences in a gap year as much if not more than through a university to there are universities that are more experiential by the way experiential the good keyword. You can look up because there are schools for these kids to that hurts. Experiential type schools that will give them opportunities to be out in the South American southwest be out in nature be out doing all kinds of wilderness things be out. They can do things like work at ski resorts. They can work on rafting companies. They can do all kinds of things that teach them so many skills that are different from what you think send them to Camp send them camping get them out in nature as much as possible because of this is where they Thrive then you want to help him. Tobacco actualize to get a career in lifestyle that’s going to include what they love and not shove them in the box again. I had so frustrating watch kids get shoved off course in life and get into like some sort of corporate job or something when that is clearly not they’re calling but the Box can push people in the wrong ways why I should know next give them into service with outdoor stuff whether it’s things you using animals horses. Helping other kids will have these Kids are awesome with younger kids. So give them into service experiences Outdoors get them traveling obviously camping getting out here. They can go out here and they could do multi backpacking trips right behind me in Arches National Park. They can spend a week there and learn so much and get away from everything and their nervous systems can regulate so that’s the next thing. I want to mention give them experiences Outdoors or with the you know, again back to multiple intelligence theory naturalistic experiences that are going to help them regulate the nervous system. A lot of these kids are going crazy sitting in desk so they they need to move. Okay. This helps them regulate their nervous system have less stress have more calm have better than a key to function and ultimately better live when they learn to regulate better. And I think that’s about it. As you can see I geek out on being outdoors. I am just in heaven out here. It’s breathtaking to me. It never gets old. I hope you are having an awesome day parents and teachers and I will see you soon.

[Podcast] 7 Systems Outside-the-box Learners Desperately Need

Background

I created this article and PDF – Student Systems Assessment for teachers and parents, to accompany the podcast interview of me by Jennifer Gonzalez. We dove deep into some great tips that will help you help your struggling students. Jennifer’s education podcast is called The Cult of Pedagogy and it’s perfect for any teacher or parent who cares about diving deeper into the issues that face education. Check out her podcast, subscribe and give it a review. You’ll love it. This document will help break down the podcast concepts so you can apply them more effectively to help your child.

Most important, listen to the podcast episode here.
Download the free PDF Assessment here. Print it and try it! It’ll help.

Introduction

When it comes to building the systems needed to manage school, most students with strong Executive Function somehow just “figure it out”. On the other hand, struggling students don’t figure it out on their own because they aren’t wired that way. They are rarely given the guidance needed to build effective systems for managing school and life. Unfortunately, the students who struggle are often misunderstood and tend to get three negative messages:

“You’re lazy”
“You must not care enough about school”
“You just need try hard harder”

These kids often internalize these well-intended but shortsighted messages, and end up feeling feeling like they are stupid, lazy or failures. They eventually become disillusioned by school and begin to give up since their efforts rarely seem to be good enough. For some reason, our schools do not teach how to learn, how to execute, or how to “do” school. This document breaks down some of the most important systems that need to be taught directly in order for these kids to learn to successfully navigate school.

Listen to the podcast episode here.
Here’s the PDF

Franken-study

One of the key concepts I teach is called Franken-study. I use this term to refer to how there is no “one size fits all” system, and that we serve our students best by guiding them to build and refine their own reliable systems. It’s not a quick fix or a magic bullet, it requires that parents and teachers compassionately and patiently spend a great deal of energy working with these students over a long period of time. Therefore, as you read through this document, don’t try to do everything exactly as I suggest. Instead, use these concepts as a starting point for reliable systems that work well for most, not all, of these students. In other words, your child is going through a process of building her own uniquely tailored Franken-study habits and systems.

Teachers

A special thank you to teachers. We NEED you! Keep plugging away, helping our kids, and challenging the educational status quo to improve education.

The Problems

Before we look at systems, let’s look at some of the underlying problems.

“Outside-the-box learners” who struggle in school: What does that mean exactly?
- The most important thing to know is that “Executive Function” challenges are the common characteristic of students who struggle. Regardless of “labels” (adhd, aspergers, dyslexic, TBI, etc), they all struggle with various aspects of EF. Therefore, when you address EF properly, you’re on the right track. Sadly, teachers are rarely given adequate training in EF. [See my “EF in Depth” article].
- It’s critical to note that it’s also an emotional issue. These kids are often avoidant and resistant to things that feel emotionally “unsafe” for them. Therefore, the more an adult helps students to regulate emotion, the safer the students will feel, and the better they will be able to learn and develop their EF. Again, teachers are rarely given adequate training in emotional regulation, somatic approaches, coregulation, etc..
Misunderstandings – Three myths adults often believe that get in the way of helping these kids.
- This kid is lazy
- Isn’t trying hard enough
- Doesn’t care about school
Lack systems – Finally, these kids don’t have “systems” to manage school and life. Your stereotypical “good students” are often “linear thinkers” who learn how to “do school” almost through osmosis. As far as school is concerned, they “get it”, they understand how to “execute” school related tasks. They are “on top of their schoolwork.” However, kids who struggle need a great deal of direct guidance in developing systems that match their needs, yet we don’t teach this!

A Bit About The Systems Students Need

Paper Management System – Systems for organization of papers. Usually binders, accordions or folders. Teachers and parents often get this wrong by insisting on binders, which are usually the worst thing for these kids. They require too much attention to detail. Instead, try simple, clearly labeled, color coded folders with matching notebooks.
Backpack management system – How to keep backpack under control? There should be a “home” for everything, and it needs to be overhauled regularly. Note- Many students do not use their lockers at all and put EVERYTHING into their backpack. Although this may seem silly, it’s actually not a bad compensatory strategy for many kids, because they know that at least they have it somewhere in there. One of the biggest problems is that as the school year goes on, it gets fuller and more difficult to manage because it becomes so full.
Planner system – I recommend minimalist monthly planners (not weekly). These need to be updated daily. Planning is a huge skill – see my Toolkit Videos for in-depth ideas.
Grade Monitoring system – Students should have their online grade programs bookmarked for easy reference. They sould be looking at grades 2-3 times a week. THey should NOT rely on just the “grade” but should be looking at the detailed list of assignments. Print these for easy reference.
Self advocacy – Self advocacy muscles must be utilized in order to grow. Kids often say they will talk to the teacher but don’t. Emailing their teachers helps with accountability. But they have to go in person to ask for help. It’s really hard at first, but once they try this a few times, it becomes one of the easiest systems to apply.
SSS – Students need a Sacred Study Space at home but they are rarely guided through the process of creating it. It needs to be optimized for focus and distractions need to be eliminated.
Weekly Overhaul – Maintainers vs. overhaulers. This overhaul is absolutely critical. If you don’t help your students learn to do consistent overhauls, none of this matters. It’s absolutely, positively not enough to just show them what to do, we have to help them build habits, and there is no quick fix or magic bullet. It takes time, effort and compassionate patience.

Important: For more help on these systems, my free Student Success Toolkit is available when you subscribe to my blog. I send you a mini-course of fantastic, in-depth videos that walk you through the most important things you need in order to help a struggling student.

Listen to the podcast episode here.
Download the PDF Assessment here

If you like my work, please **click** below to share this article with others. Thanks! -Seth

7 Ways to help your child start the NEW YEAR off right in school

For most students, second semester starts back up in the first week of January. Check out the ideas below and use what works for you. Let me know how it goes. Happy 2017, Seth

Minimize stuff – I usually recommend to my families that they do a serious downsizing of “stuff” twice a year (winter and summer). Pick a weekend in January and use it to get rid of all of the excess “stuff” you have. For example, you and your child might go through all clothes, keeping only the things that they/you actually wear. You might go through books, toys, sporting goods, etc.. Obviously, you’ll also want to go through all school related stuff and recycle irrelevant items. You see, the more stuff your child has, the more they (or you) have to maintain, which takes time and energy. Choose wisely and consider the most important ways for you to “spend” your time and energy.
Overhaul backpack – See my video on this here, but basically, empty the backpack of every single thing (crumbs and all). Reorganize every single remaining item so your child can start the semester off with a clean slate, a backpack that is organized and set up for success. Yes, involve them in this process as much as possible. The more ownership they take, the better.
Frontload the planner – Google “(your school’s name) annual calendar” and print a couple of copies of this calendar. Get ALL relevant information for the entire semester into the planner now. Hilight all days off. Get all other relevant information into the calendar: Consider doctors, dentists, therapists, extra curriculars, birthdays, travel, or anything else that can be frontloaded into the planner. Check teacher websites or syllabi for dates of exams, projects, papers, etc.. Finally, tear out all irrelevant pages from the planner (students love this aspect of streamlining the planner because it’s tangible).
Put a “weekly overhaul” on the calendar for the entire semester. Today. – Look, it takes time to build good habits, there isn’t a magic bullet. Successful students are good at maintaining their systems, struggling students are not. So to build this “muscle” these students benefit from regular opportunities to overhaul their systems. This generally means taking an hour a week to thoroughly update the planner, thoroughly overhaul the backpack, thoroughly check the details of online grades, thoroughly check teacher updates on websites, and emailing teachers for clarifications. I recommend Sunday evenings, but do whatever works. Now put it in the calendars!
Reset the SSS – Students need a “Sacred” Space to Study just as adults need sacred spaces to do our focused work. Unfortunately, most kids have never been guided through the process of designing a customized space for focused work. Take time to intentionally reorganize their study area, minimizing distractions and optimizing it for focused work. Again, the more involved they are in this process, the better.
Take time to hold space and connect – Perhaps one of the most powerful tools I use with my students is that I spend a great deal of time “holding space” for them. When I do this, my students are able to open up with more honesty and clarity than at any other time. But it’s not an easy skill to learn. My guess is that adults are often moving so fast that they forget how to slow down enough to hold space. One way to hold space for your child is to take time every week to be fully present with them, and to create an emotionally safe experience for them to express their thought and feelings. This means no cell phones, laptops, tvs, people running around, chaos, etc.. In other words, no distractions. This means listening without judgement, which is challenging for parents. Instead of reacting how you normally do to what your child says, try to pause for 3 very long seconds and see if they have more to say. And instead of giving advice or bestowing your wisdom upon them when they didn’t ask for it, simply say, “tell me more” or, “I’m listening, go on.” Try not to nod in agreement or shake your head in disapproval, just listen with an open and curious heart. Just be there, hold a safe space. Trust that their own reflection will pay off in the long run, and be patient. This only scratches the surface, but try cultivating this practice on a regular basis.
Plan quality time – Kids grow up fast, so don’t miss it. Quality time with your child is the most important thing as far as I’m concerned, and it’s easy to get caught up in the day to day that we miss out on too many of these opportunities. So plan these experiences now. Literally take time to sit with your calendar and plan fun, connected time. Block out time to do things where you connect meaningfully with your child. Maybe you have movie nights once a month, plan family dates, sporting events, game nights, trips, staycations. Maybe you plan times to teach your kids what you learned from your elders, family recipes, family stories, family arts, etc.. Ask your child what they like to do with you, really listen and then plan that. Just plan things that are fun (without the cell phones interrupting, of course). Put them into your calendar now!

Have other ideas? Please share below so others can learn from your experiences.

Homework over break!?

Uh-oh!

It’s already that time of year again, Thanksgiving break is upon us. At this point in the semester, many of the students I work with struggle with a very definite and predictable pattern:

Swimming upstream – These kids are in “swimming upstream” mode. They are “behind” and are often getting “extensions” on late work. This is never good and only adds to the overwhelm and confusion regarding where to even begin. Naturally, they avoid making any real traction, full of excuses.
Fantasy land – They imagine they’ll “catch up” on a bunch of work over fall break. Unfortunately, they haven’t developed the executive function skills to be realistic about the amount of time and energy required to “catch up.”
Blink of an eye – Before you know it, break is over, and despite good intentions, most of these kids didn’t get “caught up.”
Snowball effect – After break, things snowball very quickly. There are only a couple of short weeks before winter break. Suddenly, in addition to the makeup work, it’s also time to write big papers, work on big projects and study for big final exams. There isn’t enough time in the day to make meaningful progress. Overwhelm is in full force and these kids generally take one of two extreme overwhelm styles: 1. Visibly stressed and freaking out 2. Like an ostrich with it’s head in the sand, complete denial and avoidance.
Disillusioned surrender of the parent – Before you know it, winter break is here, the semester is over, report cards come in and grades don’t look good. As a parent, you say to yourself, “I give up, the semester is over, I have to focus on the holiday chaos now. I want to reflect on what happened with my child, but we’re both tired. Honestly, there’s no time to think about school right now because I have to think about travel, holiday gift shopping, cooking for family and friends, holiday parties. Not to mention the usual bills, responsibilities, work, chores, etc.. We’ll do better next semester.”
Pattern repetition – Spring semester begins in early January, and hopefully you get off to a better start, but the reality is that old habits die hard. It’s all too easy to fall right back into old patterns.

What to do?

Look, there are no magic bullets that fix everything overnight. Instead, you want to look for things that will move your child in the right direction and that will help build healthy habits for life. This is about the marathon, not the sprint. It’s about persistent growth in baby steps, not giant leaps. Here are some ideas to get you moving:

Clarify – Most schools now have online grades. Go to the pages which list specific assignments. Print the relevant pages. Sit with your child and use these print-outs to make a strategic plan to “get caught up.” They don’t have to do every single assignment necessarily, that’s too overwhelming. Help them choose assignments that will give the best bang for the buck. Perhaps print a master list of the assignments they plan to do. Cross things off as they are accomplished.
Advocate – Email teachers and ask for clarification. Most of my parents are unclear about what really needs to be done and they can’t rely on their children to relay the details accurately. So email the teachers to ask what needs to happen. Make the emails short and friendly. But be persistent because you need clarity NOW.
Heart to heart – Have heart to heart conversations with your child. No distractions, no drama. Just you and your child, active listening, compassion, peace and understanding. Talk from the heart about your concerns and hopes for them. Try to stay out of “reaction” mode where you get emotional. Instead, stay in “response” mode, where you are calm, cool, listening deeply. Just focus on having a great conversation with your child, not on changing them, lecturing them or convincing them of anything.
Coregulate – If you “freak out” about your child’s performance, they reflect this stress right back to you. Instead, get your own nervous system regulated before approaching your child. Take your own deep breaths, approach your child when you are thoroughly regulated, and they will mirror your regulation. This is called coregulating. Try it, cultivate this skill.
Ask – Ask your child how you can be helpful. Do they want you to “nag” at certain times? How about gentle reminders? Written reminders? Help set a schedule or routine? Help with homework? Test them? Give space? Ask them, “seriously, what can I do that would be helpful? How will we know if it’s working?” Put it on them to come up with the solution.
Boundaries – You are the parent, you get to draw the line when it needs to be drawn. This is no easy task. You get to say, “I know you don’t want me to interfere, but I love you enough to do so when you’re not showing results. Period.” Do NOT say these things with a charge of emotion, say them in a detached, matter of fact way. This is incredibly difficult for most parents, but the long term benefits far outweigh the pain of biting your tongue. Be firm, loving, consistent with your boundaries. Trust your gut.
Catch em’ being good – Perhaps most important and most powerful way to help your child is to really notice what they are doing right! “I see you’re trying hard when you…” I noticed that you got yourself organized when you…” I love how you creatively approached this problem when you…” Don’t BS your kid, but try the 3:1 rule, and tell them 3 sincere positives for every perceived negative. Be encouraging. Just keep trying this.
Plan fun – You have to literally plan fun activities with your child, times when you connect with them and there is literally no discussion of school. Just have fun. Movies, mini golf, cooking, camping, whatever you like to do together. Put it in the schedule weekly and do it!
Routine – Help your child build routines around responsibilities and homework. The more consistent the routine, the easier it will be for your child to learn good skills. Print and post the routines to help keep them in mind.
Out of sight, out of mind – Make sure that the assignments your child plans to do over break are easily visible! They should be in sight! Create a clean, clear, bright, study space. Organize the space in a way that is inviting and simple. Get rid of clutter and distractions.

Try this…

Print this article, post it where you can see it, and try a couple of these solutions every day for the next 14 days. If you’re persistent and patient, you’ll notice an improvement in grades, less overwhelm, and a more positive relationship with your child. Good luck, Seth

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Dad says, “He has continuously asked me for help with concentration”

I received this email today from a friend, the father of a senior in high school:

“My son is having a hard time focusing when in class and doing homework. He says he’s taking the breaks and even getting up and walking around during class to try and get focused.
He has been keeping a list of things to do every day. He’s getting good grades and not in any trouble but he has continuously asked me for help with concentration. He is now asking about what doctors do to help ADD. Any suggestions?”

I have worked with his kids a few times over the years, and since they both have relatively good executive function, a few coaching sessions gave them enough so they could run with it. Of course, most of my students need consistent coaching to make significant changes, but sometimes a “tune-up” is all that’s needed.

Start by asking the right questions

If you have a child with similar concerns, I’ll explain what goes through my mind when I read this letter so you can ask the right questions:

Is it possible that this child has ADHD and should see a professional? If I think they might have ADHD, I’ll often recommend that they get tested by a reputable Neuropsychologist.
Now, I need to ask questions that get to the bottom of which factors affect this child’s concentration:
- Food: Do they eat enough healthy fat? The brain loves to use fat as fuel (avocados, nuts, seeds, meats, real butter, eggs, etc..) Do they start the day with carbohydrates (cereal, sugar, bread, jelly, juice)? Carbohydrates tend to make it more difficult to concentrate, spike blood sugar and cause blood sugar crashes later in the morning. They tend to make kids more foggy. Is this child eating foods that nourish the body or do they tend to eat foods that just make them feel full?
- Sleep: Is the child waking up rested? What can be done to improve the sleep environment (electronics out of the room, alarms to signal when it’s time to wind down, etc.)? Can the sleep routine be improved?
- Exercise: Is this child getting plenty of physical activity or are they learning sedentary habits?
- SSS: Does the child have a Sacred Study Space at home that is optimized for focus? Is it free of distractions? Do they have a standing desk or fit-ball chair, both of which help with concentration? Do they slouch, thus telling the body to get in rest mode rather than focus mode?
- Classroom environment: Is the student’s seat in a good place? Are they constantly distracted by something? Are they in the back, far from the teacher?
- Study routine: Is there an actual routine in place? What would be ideal?
- Study habits: Does the student “pre-study“? In other words, do they know how to study proactively, how to be prepared for class by getting familiar with the content that is about to be covered? Do they know how to take notes effectively? Do they have study partners? etc..
I also want to find out what else could be going on. Are there social pressures that are interfering with concentration? Is the content uninteresting to the child? Is the teacher burnt out and legitimately boring? I might even look into things you may not expect, for example, is there a vitamin D deficiency?

So, in this situation I had a conversation with this student to get to the bottom of it. Often, parents and teachers do not dig deep enough. Instead, they think the student needs to just “try harder“. But real solutions come when you can help the student take a proactive role in changing the factors that might be affecting concentration. This has the added benefit of helping the student develop an “internal locus of control”, which means that they learn that they have the power to change and improve their own life. We definitely want to teach this so our children don’t grow up feeling like powerless victims who blame the outside world for their woes. So take time to really dig deep with your child, and help them learn to uncover their own solutions as much as possible.

But what do doctors do to help ADHD?

Now, in the letter above, the high schooler asks what doctors do to help adhd. Well, there is a lot to say, but the short answer is:

They will often give a questionnaires to diagnose the problem. Often they give one for teachers to fill out, one for parents to fill out and one self-assessment.
They will sometimes prescribe a commonly used stimulant, like Adderall or Ritalin (there are many). Sometimes they prescribe other types of drugs.
Some doctors will “titrate”, which means that they are communicating with you thoroughly about the effects of the drug and making adjustments carefully. They may adjust the type or amount of a drug. In my experience, doctors don’t do this enough, they sometimes just prescribe and send you on your way. Therefore, you may have to advocate by asking your doctor specifically how they titrate.
They may refer you to a specialist.
They may help you determine if other factors may be causing the problems.

One problem with medications is that, while they may help a child focus, pills do not teach the skills a child needs to be a successful student. A lot of people miss this point and this is where a good teacher, coach or mentor can help. Hope this shed some insight for you. Best of luck, Seth

12 Big Mistakes Students Make in September

It’s early in the school year, the buzz of the first couple weeks has worn off, and habits begin to set in. Some are good, some not so good. The habits a student practices in September set the tone for the rest of the semester (and often the rest of the school year).

The Pattern

Unfortunately many students follow this pattern:

Strong out of the gates, even excited about school, teachers, friends. Positive attitude, desire to do well.
Skate. Things go along “fine” for a few weeks, no big red flags.
The dip. Suddenly, 6-8 weeks into the semester, everything is falling apart. There are some D’s and Fs, maybe some big tests that your child didn’t study for, a cascade of late work, etc..
Swimming upstream. The rest of teh semester consists of digging out of holes, trying to “catch up”, a lot of avoidance mixed with bursts of effort.
Semester ends, student may have the desire to do better in the spring, but doesn’t have the skills to be realistic about the time and effort that will require, so the pattern is repeated.

The Mistakes

There are some very predictable mistakes that these students make in September, that set up cascading overwhelm later down the line. I know because these are things I struggled with and these are the things I help my clients with. Here are some:

Planner: Using the wrong type, not “frontloading” it, losing it, not knowing how to use it, not using it consistently.
Computer: Not checking teacher websites thoroughly or regularly, not checking online grades carefully or often, simply looking at the grade rather than the details and patterns.
Papers: Do not “overhaul” folders, notebooks, backpacks, lockers, desks on a regular basis, and organization goes out the window. They argue, “I know where everything is” but they won’t admit that they really have no idea how to maintain an effective system for managing the overwhelming amount of papers.
Advocacy: Not going to office hours to meet with teachers, not willing to email teachers, afraid to ask for help, afraid to look different from others so don’t ask questions in class.
Routine: Don’t create routines for homework, study, sleep, etc..
Technology: Not knowing how to limit usage, use late at night, can’t stop, have no realistic understanding of how much time they spend on it or the consequences.
Peers: Don’t create time with peers to study, work on projects, etc.. Hang out with peers when they should be getting caught up first.
Self-care: Don’t exercise consistently, don’t wake up rested, don’t eat foods that truly nourish.
Accountability: Don’t set up systems to help them stay accountable and responsible.
Help 1 – Wait until it’s too late to get tutors or other help.
Help 2 – Won’t let parents help. Want to be treated like an adult but actions are not mature enough to be treated as such, lack the responsibility necessary, lies to self about it, pushes parents away and blames them.
Excuses: Avoidance, resistance, procrastination , not taking responsibility, not accepting help from parents or others.

The Solution?

The solution is to do the opposite of the mistakes! Easier said than done, so it’s better to take some baby steps NOW to make everything easier LATER. What proactive action can you take now? Do it!

How Students Build Effective Systems (printable pdf)

The students I work with are notoriously “bad” with systems, which has a lot to do with why they struggle so much. Actually that’s not exactly true, because when a system matters to the student, or when they’ve had enough practice with implementation, they can be great with systems. For example, I have one student who is obsessed with the game Magic the Gathering. He has extensive systems to manage how he plays this complex game. Anyhow, the point is, when it comes to systems for managing time, homework, studying, cleaning the bedroom, organizing the study space, remembering important details, etc., these kids struggle. Below I have a “Systems Check” for you. It’s a list of some questions you can use to help build these systems out, particularly at the beginning of the semester. Click here if you want a free printable pdf version of this System.checklist If you like this, please share my work on facebook or something. Thanks!

Systems Check

Directions for Students and Parents : Every week or two, you should “overhaul” your systems until they become habit . The process can take a couple of hours, but will save you a ton of time and energy in the end. Let your parents help you, especially at the beginning of a semester, halfway through a semester and 2 weeks before the end of a semester. Here are the types of questions to examine. Be honest with yourself, take your time to be thorough , and this will pay off BIG TIME. Backpack System Overhaul (10 minutes) Basic backpack philosophy – regularly get rid of stuff you don’t need, go through stuff with a fine toothed comb so you don’t miss anything, have homes for everything, overhaul it weekly. -Take everything out of every single pocket. Parents, I always ask, “is there anything personal that you don’t want me to see?” If there is, I give them a moment to deal with that privately. -Go through every item, 1 by 1. If it’s trash, put it in a trash pile. If it’s recyclable, put it in a recycle pile. If it should go in a folder, put it in. If it needs to be dealt with, put it in a “deal with” pile (homework that needs to be done or turned in, checks to turn in, etc). -Make sure your name is on everything. Just do it. -Go through every paper in every folder, even if you think you have everything in the right place. Even if you think you need everything in there. -Put supplies, that you actually use, back into the backpack in it’s “home”. Where is the best place for that thing? -Put folders and books back in a logical order/place. Planner System Frontload (30 minutes) I recommend using a monthly planner. -Tear out every single page that you will never use. This will leave you with a monthly planner that has about 11 pages in it. -Now frontload the planner. -Take a printout of your school’s yearlong calendar, read it carefully and get everything relevant into your planner. -With a hi-liter, box out every single day you do not have school. -Ask your parents about important recurring appointments, practices, birthdays, travel or anything else that a mature person would have in a planner. -Look at your syllabi and teacher’s websites to enter all relevant dates. These often include dates for papers, projects, finals, etc.. -What short-term planning do you need to do? What is coming up today or this week?

Check Grades (5 minutes) -Bookmark your grade program -Check it a few times a week -Make a list of every missing, late, incomplete or low score that needs to be addressed -Address it. Finish and turn it in, email teacher to communicate about it, etc. Be proactive. NEVER say, “the teacher won’t give me credit” or anything similar, just finish it and get it into their mailbox asap. Trust me. Computer Optimization (10 minutes) -Set up browser to open all relevant pages automatically: Grade program, Calendar, Email program, Google Docs, etc. -Bookmark all teacher sites and check regularly -Check and respond to email regularly. Get to inbox 0 weekly. Unsubscribe from junk. SSS Optimization (Sacred Study Space) (30 minutes) Basic philosophy is that optimization will empower you to study smarter not harder. -Find the best place possible for you to focus on schoolwork this year. This is your Sacred Study Space. -Remove all distractions -Enhance the area with optimal lighting, sound, etc. -Have relevant supplies within reach (in other words, you should not have to get up to find a stapler in the middle of study time because it is an unnecessary interruption to your flow. You should always have one in your area) Work flow/routine Design a routine for your workflow. Print it, post it, use it. Ex:

Clean SSS.
Check planner and grades.
Make a prioritized list for tonight.
Begin focus time. Do top priority first.

Stress What are my top sources of stress? What can I do to minimize their impact? What helps me have less stress and more peace of mind? How can I maximize that? What can I reframe? Breathe, meditate. Family and friends – What would help me have healthier relationships? What needs to be addressed? Beliefs What beliefs hold me back? How can I change my beliefs so they help me reach my goals more effectively? Self-care How well am I taking care of myself? Exercise? Sleep? Nutrition? What action plans would help?

A Printable Systems QuickCheck

Here’s a Printable Quick-Checkyou can use to do a “quick” check. I use these all the time with students, and it covers the bases. It can be often be done in 15 min once a week. Quick Systems checklist: Backpack? Overhaul, papers, folders Planner? Update long and short term Grades? Online? Computer optimization? Tabs, pins, calendar, tasks SSS? Study routine/work flow? Tight? Manageable? Stress & overwhelm sources? Minimize, reframe, breathe Family, friends? Relationships Selfcare? Nutrition, sleep, exercise, other Beliefs? Limiting? Abundance? Growth or fixed mindset. Selftalk, defaults, reframe.

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“What do you do if your child’s school wants the parent to stay out of it?”

A parent sent me this…

“What do you do if your child’s school wants the parent to stay out of it? I find myself trying really hard to stay out of it, and let my child contact the teacher directly. I will help him remember to do so, and help him formulate an email, but I’ve found push back if I contact the teacher for clarification.”

This is SO frustrating and I see it all too often. Don’t stay out of it! That teacher does not get it. You care about your kid, so do anything you have to in order to make sure their needs are met. Be the squeaky wheel. Communicating with a teacher is good. You are simply seeking clarity so you can support your child. The reality is that many children have not developed the skills necessary to know how to advocate for themselves! Why can’t these teachers get this through their skulls. Self-advocacy is extraordinarily complex! I appreciate teachers who compassionately help kids learn to advocate, but this feels like the opposite. Listen, there are countless phenomenal teachers out there. They are dedicated, hardworking, kind. But make no mistake, there are plenty of teachers who don’t get certain kids! It astounds me how ignorant they are about learning differences, but I see it often with the kids I coach, with kids who struggle with executive function. Now, you do have to be considerate of the teachers when you contact them. They are in fact underpaid, undervalued, overworked, work in a dysfunctional and outdated system, they are under-resourced, have too many students, etc.. Many of them have had negative experiences that may influence them – they may have been attacked by parents in the past, they may get tons of long emails they have to respond to, and they have very little time to do these things on top of the exhaustive hours they put in. So keep these things in mind, but contact them anyway when you need to. Here are some tips:

Make your email quick and to the point.
Start by connecting: “Hey Ms. Smith. Hope you are well.”
Ask your questions. Remember this rule, you are always seeking some sort of clarity. “I need clarity on ___.”
End with, “Thanks for your time”.
If they don’t respond, resend it the next day and say, “I know you’re busy, but I need a quick response as soon as you can so I can support my child. Thanks for understanding.” And CC it to a school counselor, spouse, admin, or other person just to help with accountability, so they respond.

Look, you’re doing your best to help your kid. Follow your gut and do what you need to do. Good luck, Seth

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