Category: Blog

Executive Function advice to my younger self (parents on how to help their kids)

Please CLICK above to share Below is a post using your experience so we can help others based on this question. I have enjoyed reading your excellent responses and the honest vulnerability you shared. Thank you for taking the time! -Seth THE QUESTION FOR PARENTS: “Knowing what I now know about Executive Function, what key advice would I give to my younger self about how to support my child with executive function challenges?” (teachers, feel free to chime in here as well and adapt it to your situation) I’m very excited about this post! Below are responses from YOU to help other parents through learning about your experience. We have over 25,000 followers around the world, and to add your voice,click here to send me your response before March 1, 2020 and I will add it. You can be brief or detailed. For your anonymity, I will not use your name in the blog, but I will use the details you provide for context (for example, if you wrote “the dad of 7th grader with ADHD” etc..).
RESPONSES: “I would want to help the child to put their executive function in the context of all they are good at, and the struggles they face rather than feeling they are lazy or stupid. I’d work on my own self-regulation too.” “I have always had a tendency to do things for my oldest son who struggles with executive functioning skills. Knowing what I do now, I would have modeled the behavior more and done less for him starting at a younger age so that he would have had more time to practice the skills. He’s a successful college freshman today, but we talk a lot about what he should be doing to manage his time, prioritize his work and accomplish all that needs to be done in the course of a semester. He’s getting there but could have been further along had we started sooner and practiced much more often.” “(A) Being patient (B) Rather than fretting accept the issues, apply different strategies. You fail, do not give up. You try again and again (C) Do not judge, do not do things for them (D) Some days it works, some days things do not work. Reflect what worked and why… Never feel bad that why things are not working (E) Read and expand your knowledge (F) Work on their strengths.” “I would’ve advocated harder for quality over quantity for all school work and spent much more time building up my son’s self-esteem.” “Excellent question! I’m commenting so I get reminded to come back when my migraine goes away.” “I would tell my younger self to look in the mirror instead of my child. Through his pain and suffering, I realized that I suffered the same EF issues and would have worked on my own issues to model for him. Maybe he would have been spared of all the hurtful things I said because of my own ignorance. I would also tell myself that I don’t have to be perfect. Trying my best and admitting my mistakes and making an honest effort to be better was more meaningful to him than telling him what to do. I would be more forgiving of my mistakes so I can model resilience for him instead of disappointment in myself which he internalized. I should have also acted on my instinct when I saw something amiss when he was 10 and waited 3 years to do something about it. In spite of all these, I am thankful for these experiences as it helped him and I grow but I didn’t see it then.” “As a teacher and parent, I would say to start instilling EF strategies in the earlier years to make it a way of life. Once you understand what you need and it is in place to successfully get through each day then you can naturally integrate things into your life and support each other as a family…we all have different EF strengths and weaknesses and learning early on that this is not a fault but just who we are will create a more positive way of handling the day to day….” “When things get tough, let go of your agenda, and connect with your child. Listen to them to understand where they are at emotionally, without trying to fix things. Just provide a space for them to vent their frustrations, feel heard, and know that you are there for them.” “(1) Telling my earlier self that it is not going to get better but worse, don’t wait to see what happens (2) Don’t trust the school to do what he needs because they won’t, they may be the experts but it doesn’t mean they will do what it takes without your pushing.” “(1) I wish my younger self knew that there was nothing wrong with my child. I wish I knew differently wired kids were a gift in themselves and have a gift for the world and didn’t need to be fixed. I loved fiercely but in my heart, I felt like a failure and I was afraid for my child. I know I was the cause of his early setbacks. (2) I wish I knew about the amygdala and how to overcome the stress response through mindfulness. I wish I would have practiced mindfulness myself and with my child from the very start. I can only imagine how different today would be if these two things were true. Yet, I am so thankful for the journey that has finally brought me to this point today. We still have a long road ahead but he’ll be ok, we’ll both make it, I’m not afraid anymore and life is so sweet. Thanks for the opportunity to share.” “I definitely would have been a better model to my son and been more understanding of his deficits. However, sitting here really reflecting, I recognized his struggles I communicated my frustrations with teachers, professionals (doctors) but I got flimsy answers: a boy thing, boys do not mature as fast as girls.. spank him, take his electronics away.. so all this things I tried but clearly was not working .. as embarrassing as it is to say it only been about 1 1/2 year since I’ve discovered executive function deficiency in relationships to ADHD.. and once I connected it was such a relief that I could put a name to it.. but here is where you get into trouble by learning and wanting to implement everything at once and then getting overwhelmed.. because you want to play catch-up.. but once you realize you have to go slow, you see the slow transformation, and you see the rewards and benefits… it’s a wonderful feeling on both sides… sorry if that’s a little lengthy, but the role EF plays in ADHD is not really identified in my county.. so I feel I lost so much time… I wish I would have had the knowledge years ago…” “A teacher I respected suggested a specific EF coach for my son, so I took him to her when he was about eleven. She had him doing some useful things, like gathering ingredients and following the steps in recipes. But I felt that he needed more specific, focused help with organizational skills and study habits. It was a tough decision—general life skills or specific skills to help him survive school? When I told the EF coach we were leaving, she said in a voice that let me know how much she disapproved, “I hope you know what you’re doing,” and I replied with a heartfelt and shaky “So do I.” It was one of the best decisions I ever made for my son. He’s a junior now, and I don’t know how he would be getting by without the coach/tutor he has now. So listen up, younger self: trust your instincts, you know your child better than anyone.” “And I would have done a lot more research a lot earlier about the laws and my rights. I was asking in the wrong way for so many years and getting denied for an IEP. When you know what your rights are and understand the process they have a harder time saying no. And that there are endless resources for advocates, moderators, facilitators, etc. who you can call on for free to help you on your journey.” Please CLICK below to share

Happy Mother’s Day Quotes

IMG_6722 - Version 2Here’s some gratitude for all the mom’s out there. I want to send a sincere thanks to you for being an awesome mom, for everything you do behind the scenes, for your time, effort, energy, and love. Here are some of my favorite mom quotes… “They are not kidding when they say that mothers are strong women. We need to be strong in more ways than our children will ever know.” — M.B. Antevasin “Youth fades; love droops; the leaves of friendship fall; A mother’s secret hope outlives them all.” — Oliver Wendell Holmes “All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.” — Abraham Lincoln “A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts.” ―Washington Irving “Most mothers are instinctive philosophers.” — Harriet Beecher Stowe “When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.” — Sophia Loren “Our mothers always remain the strangest, craziest people we’ve ever met.” ― Marguerite Duras “But there’s a story behind everything. How a picture got on a wall. How a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking. But behind all your stories is always your mother’s story, because hers is where yours begin.” — Mitch Albom

Biography of a Struggling Student: My Story

Me and my awesome younger brother Adam
Me and my awesome younger brother Adam
This story may be more than you need to know, but I like to be transparent. I hope this is helpful.

Messages

As you know, I’m Seth, and you probably won’t be surprised to learn that I was the struggling student that I work to help nowadays. Yep, I was “that kid.” Kindergarten was fine, but here are some rave reviews quoted directly from my 1st-grade report cards: “Slow worker. Very easily distracted. Loves school. Wants to be helpful. Very short attention span and never really gets into his work. Exhibits a very deep feeling and enjoyment. He loves stories. If I could only get him stimulated I know he would do well. He is a very thoughtful child. I think he is much brighter than he lets on and my hope is that as he matures and his short attention span increases, he will show greater academic progress.”

Even in first grade, I couldn’t fit in the proverbial box, and it only got worse in later grades. The same sort of comments appeared:

“Lazy. Unmotivated. Not living up to his potential. Daydreams. Needs to work harder. Doesn’t try his best. Doesn’t pay attention. Needs to focus.  If he would just apply himself, he’d be okay.”

Well, here’s the message I internalized:  I’m not okay, I’m somehow broken, there is something wrong with me. I’m a lazy failure. I can’t do it, nobody seems to see my effort, so I’m not enough. Why even try?

Of course, I had strengths, but they weren’t noted or built upon enough through traditional schooling, and I needed tools & insights that simply weren’t available back then. So, I struggled, a lot. I felt like a “lazy failure” and felt a great deal of shame. Sadly, I learned to dislike me.

Patterns

Adopted at the ripe age of 3 days by an incredible family in Columbus, OH, I was a happy kid, but I never quite felt like I fit in. There was a sense that I was somehow different. I was creative and my imagination was wild and vivid. I would draw entire stories on giant rolls of paper, spanning 30 feet or more. I would collect countless random objects to examine, take things apart, make cool inventions. Some of them even worked. I was a lover of the natural world; bugs, plants, animals, rocks, the forest, the sky. I was intuitive and highly sensitive to what was going on around me. And I was a free-spirited dreamer, adventuring through my world — but schooling would minimize this.

Year after year, my grades slipped. Instead of developing my strengths, I tried to fit into the expectations of the school. Square peg, round hole. My frustration and hopelessness grew and eventually I gave up trying or put in as little effort possible to stay off the radar. Unconsciously, it came down to this: school wasn’t worth much effort since there was little reward and I just ended up feeling bad about myself anyhow. I wasn’t able to access learning in the way it was presented and I felt like a failure.

I was tested for learning disabilities in middle school and there were none identified. They said I had a high IQ but there were no programs at the time, and just having that knowledge didn’t help me gain access to any strategies or tools to help. And these test results just left my parents and teachers more perplexed: “we know he can do it, so he must not want to.” Seems logical, but they were missing a big part of the picture.

So I floundered through high school. I did fine the first two years with minimal effort because I compensated well. I always was strong out of the gates each semester, but quickly lost momentum and got behind. I couldn’t manage all the minutiae, so I didn’t do much homework, and I didn’t know how to “study”. If I did homework, I rushed it and I often forgot to turn it in or lost it. I didn’t know how to be a student in the system. It was as if the other kids got an instruction book on how to be a student, that I was never given.

My grades really began to suffer in the 11th grade when I couldn’t fake it anymore. D’s and F’s became the norm as I became more apathetic and as my parents became more concerned. They watched helplessly as I lied and lied about how I was doing and as I pushed them away when they tried to help.

My grades were horrible, but I graduated high school. High SAT scores made it possible for me to enter Ball State University in a remedial program and on probation. The program required me to take 3 college classes in the summer, immediately after high school ended. I got 2 C’s and an A that summer. Ironically, the A was in Study Skills — I was always able to pull it together when the pressure was on, to make it “look” like I had things under control. At least it got people off my back for a bit longer.

I completely failed the fall semester and was put on academic probation. I then failed the spring semester, was officially kicked out of college and moved back home with the folks. They didn’t know how to help me, and I wouldn’t have accepted it anyhow. I looked for any job that would hire me.

I didn’t want to live with my parents — I wanted to be treated as an adult even though I acted like an irresponsible and helpless little kid. I ended up living with my grandmother, one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known. I tried again at a community college in Columbus, Ohio. Same pattern — started strong, optimistic with new resolve.

But things went downhill fast. Failed again.

By this time I was deeply hopeless and suffering internally. I felt empty. I felt like a complete failure and knew I would never be able to accomplish anything in life. What went wrong? Why was I broken? Why try? I gave up.

Turning it around

One day, after many months of self-pity and blame, I hurt so badly that I decided I would do whatever I had to do to give myself a real try once again. I was willing to do anything, including asking for help repeatedly until I got the help I needed. This was the hardest thing of all.

I began to change, slowly but surely. Momentum was building. I was having little successes. I got a minimum wage job I liked. I went home from work feeling good about what I had done. There was meaning in my work, and ironically, I was working with kids. And I thought I was pretty good at it.

I’m so thankful for that job because it literally changed the course of my entire life. It was for a company called AYS (At Your School), in Indianapolis. I don’t know if it exists anymore.  I worked with a woman named Candy Hammond – I’ve since lost touch with her and cannot locate her. Nonetheless, she was a BRILLIANT teacher, and she showed me that you could positively impact a child’s life, that you can make a real difference. She was my first mentor and neither of us knew it. She inspired me to want to be better at serving kids. I would watch in awe as she would artfully listen to the students on a level so deep, it was almost spiritual. She attuned to the kids, she saw what they really needed, but not as students first. She saw their needs as human beings first. There’s a critical distinction here. I wanted to be able to help kids as she did. And this is how my professional journey began in 1993.

One day, while driving my old Mazda stick shift home from working at a school in Indy, with my long hair blowing in the wind, I noticed I had a big smile across my face and I realized that I wasn’t that hopeless person anymore. Somewhere in the past several months, those things that made me hopeless had been put to sleep. I was alive, invigorated. That moment, I realized then that I was always leaving work happy and it was at that moment that I dedicated my life to helping kids. I didn’t know how I would help and I didn’t care. All I knew was that I needed to go in that direction and find a path to serve.

I went back to school to become a teacher and worked harder than I ever worked in my life. I probably worked harder than almost everyone in my classes because I didn’t have strong student skills. I literally would sit to study, sometimes reading the same sentence 10 or 20 times before it would sink in, determined to succeed no matter how hard it was or how long it took. It was painstaking. Every trick I could think of to make learning easier I did. I didn’t know it, but I was coaching myself.

I ended up doing pretty well. Through some twist of fate, I was the student asked to represent my graduating class at Indiana University by speaking at my graduation. Me, the once “hopeless, lazy, failure”. Through all of this, I learned beyond a shadow of a doubt that kids don’t have to suffer, that they can be successful and most importantly, happy.

But there is no quick fix. It takes time, patience, persistence. Kids need the right tools. Schools need to meet students where they are at. They need to see students holistically and build upon strengths. Left-brained students often navigate the system just fine, as it aligns with their strengths. But there are many right-brained, outside-the-box thinkers that don’t fit the mold. They might be random, global, big-picture, poor with details, creative, quirky, or otherwise divergent, neurodiverse learners. The fact is, when struggling students are properly understood and educated, they shine.

Nowadays I love my life. Sure, I still have massive Executive Function struggles, but I know what to do about it. As a result, I’ve built rich relationships, a career that I’m passionate about, a healthy lifestyle, a positive outlook, fulfilling hobbies, and most importantly, I’m pretty happy. So, in the greatest humility, I feel infinitely grateful that I’ve found my strengths. It’s my hope that I can share them here in such a way that it helps more and more kids have increasingly better lives.

Shine on, Seth Perler

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How to trap a monkey (video)

There’s an old story called “How to trap a monkey” which is a great metaphor for life and for working with your obstacles. It’s one of those stories you can apply to your life and that you’ll remember for many years. Spider Monkey
💚 Give: Love my work and want to donate? 🎦 YouTube: Visit my official YouTube channel here. Please subscribe, like & comment to support my work. 👉 Share: To support me, please *CLICK* at the bottom to share on FB or Pinterest. ✏️ EF101: Here’s my jumpstart course for parents and teachers. 🙏 Thanks! — Seth

Video transcript:

Hey everybody, this is Seth with SethPerler.com and I’m glad you’re here. I’m here today to tell you a quick story called “How to trap a monkey.” It’s a great story with a great moral at the end of it. So here’s what happened: there’s this village of people a long time ago and there are monkeys that lived all around the village. One day, the village people decided that they wanted to figure out how to track a monkey. They started trying anything and everything they could possibly think of. They threw rocks at the monkeys, but the monkeys were too fast and they dodged the rocks. They shot arrows at the monkeys, but the monkeys were even too fast for the arrows and they would dodge them and get away completely unscathed. They took rope and tried to trap the monkeys, but it didn’t work. They made nets and tried to trap the monkeys, and that didn’t work either. The monkeys were just too fast and too smart. Finally, a little girl decided she had an idea that she thought might work. And here’s what she did: she took a log, a big log, and she hollowed out the log completely. Then, she drilled a hole into the top of the log, and then she filled the sides of the log so that, basically, it was an empty container with the hole on the top. Now the hole was a very special size. The hole was exactly the size of a monkey’s arm. Then, she decided to take these nuts and drop them down into the hole. And the monkeys love these nuts. They’re delicious and they couldn’t get enough of them. So these were what she used as the bait for her trap. So how did this trap work? Here’s what happened. One of the curious monkeys came over after the girl left and started to investigate. He looked in the hole to figure out that the nuts were in fact there. He decided, well, he’s going to steal them! So he takes his arm and he sticks it into the hole and he grabs the nuts. As he tries to bring his arm out of the hole, he now has a fist full of nuts, but his fist wouldn’t fit through the hole. So he was trapped. The girl walked over, picked the monkey, and she had now trapped a monkey. She caught the monkey! It couldn’t get away, it didn’t even let go until she grabbed it. Now, why is this story so important? It’s because we get trapped by our own minds. We get trapped by our own thinking. I work with students, anywhere from elementary school through graduate school, and we all have the things that we grab on to and we trap ourselves. We become prisoners ourselves by our own self defeating thoughts. Thoughts that we can’t do something or something is too hard. Or thoughts that we don’t want to start on something because it’s just not fun. Things that block us. I don’t know what it is for you, but we all have our kryptonite. We all have things that we hold onto. If we don’t let go and pull our hand out, we’re trapped. So my question to you: what are the thoughts that you need to let go of? What are the thoughts that keep going and going and looping over and over again in your head that are not serving you, and that are holding you back from actually being your best? Or from actually accomplishing what you need to accomplish? So, that’s all I have for you today. A very short story. I hope this is helpful to you, and I hope that you can figure out what it is that you grab onto that you should let go of to help you. Have an awesome evening, and I’ll talk to you soon. Take care. Please CLICK below to share.

Finally! (A personal note to you)

Hello! Here’s a more personal video for you, my awesome audience. Please check it out. What’s it about? Finally, I finished my Student Success Toolkit minicourse. It’s intended to give brand new subscribers 5 of my favorite tools. But if you are subscribed to my blog already, I want you to have access as well. I will be sending the series to you via email for the next 6 days (day 1 is the intro, days 2-6 each cover one tool/day). I hope you like it, and I’d LOVE to get your feedback! In gratitude and service, Seth Tools for student success, homework and study tipsTools for student success  

Final exams- a different way to study

Yesterday, I was working with one of my students and we spent some time on a different way for him to study. He loved it. I have taught many of my kids this method and it’s really powerful. There are a few things that we traditionally associate with studying: note cards, reading your notes over, memorization, etc.. But there are so many more ways to integrate learning. This one involves a digital recorder. (I use the Olympus 801 . Digital voice recorders cost between $30-$100. Try to get the ones with multiple “folders.”) Here’s the gist of how I teach students to use these: 1. Usually there are 5 “folders” on these recorders, often labeled A, B, C, D. Each “folder” stores multiple recordings or “files.” I like students to dedicate folders to different classes and to keep one folder for miscellaneous thoughts, notes, reminders, or ideas. An example:
  • Folder A: Miscellaneous ideas, random thoughts, reminders, school or non-school related.
  • Folder B: Language Arts class
  • Folder C: History class
  • Folder D: Science class
  • Folder E: Foreign Language class
2. Think of good ways to use record information so you can use it to your benefit:
  • In the case of the student yesterday, he was studying for a Biology final. We took his written notes and he recorded himself asking questions like this, “name and describe the 4 types of gymnosperm plants? (he pauses) Cycads, ginkos and conifers and gnetophytes. Cycads are…” Now he can listen to the recordings while he is cleaning his room, going to school, even while he’s gaming :).
  • For novels, I often teach students to make recordings of important information as they are reading.  As they record, they can cite page numbers, quote characters, etc.. For many students this is much less disruptive than stopping to take written notes. Then, when they begin their book reports/reviews or other projects, they can go through the recordings and type pertinent notes into their outline.
  • Recorders can be awesome for getting story ideas out verbally before typing them up.
  • For foreign language, they are great for practice with vocabulary, etc..
  • For math, the recorder is often only useful when memorization is required, for example with new formulas.
  • You get the point-come up with your own creative ideas for any class.
3. Listen to the recordings anywhere and everywhere. This is great for kids who need to move around. They can put on headphones and listen while they walk, do chores, etc.. They can listen in the car, as they fall asleep, at the bus stop, etc.. Recordings can be deleted as the learning becomes integrated. I also teach students other powerful methods, such as drawing their notes or visualizations, but these are outside the scope of this quick article. Just remember that there are many creative ways to learn, and don’t be afraid to experiment. The point is to develop a style that works rather than just relying on traditional mindsets. If you like what you read, please share it with someone! Best, Seth Side note: I do NOT recommend recording classes, at least not for the students I work with. I tend to work with right brained struggling students, and they are not going to take the energy to re-listen to a recorded class. Just sayin’. Disclaimer: This article is meant to show one of many ways to “study.” This does not mean that the task or test is necessarily valid. You have to seriously consider this for yourself (some is truly valuable, some is meaningless, counterproductive busywork). Just because school assigns something doesn’t mean that it is more valuable than family time, play, self-care, etc.. If something feels off, listen to your gut because it knows best. Remember, education should ultimately help kids find their authentic callings, should help them craft purposeful and happy lives.
“I never let my schooling get in the way of my education.” — Mark Twain
   

Pushing buttons

In the late 1990s, I was working in a kindergarten class with a brilliant teacher named Candy. The class was filled with bright eyes and curious minds. There was one particular 6 year old who really knew how to push my buttons. Whitney knew just what to say or do to pull the rug out from under me. My efforts backfired, nothing worked, I was stumped. Fortunately, I was in an introspective place and journaling a lot, which helped me learn a few things:
  1. Buttons are meant to be pushed.
  2. If someone is pushing my buttons, I have buttons. They are mine and mine alone – I own them.
  3. The only way to ensure they aren’t pushed is to not have them. As long as I have them, someone is sure to push them.
  4. The only way to not have them is to get rid of them.
  5. Getting rid of them requires deep honesty, humility and help. It ain’t easy.
  6. Buttons usually reflect things I don’t want to take responsibility for in myself. It’s a mirror and a gift.
  7. Fewer buttons = more time for what matters most; meaningful connection with the people I care about.
When I started removing buttons, guess what? Whitney stopped pushing them. Magically, her strengths and talents became magnified and she became one of my favorite students. Not only was I happier but I was more compassionate and helpful. Removing buttons means making a bigger difference.  

You're not crazy

Seriously, you’re not. I don’t know if there’s something in the air or what, but I’ve had so many students, parents and teachers tell me stories lately about broken schools, I have to share it. Know this: if something feels wrong, it probably is. There are a lot of people going through the same thing. So often we feel alone, wondering if we’re off base, if we worry too much. Too many students struggle and suffer needlessly, and you’re not crazy, even though systemic dysfunction would have you believe so.
The proverbial elephant in the room

Consider this…

Teachers often share with me that they don’t have a voice

They’re afraid of backlash for speaking their truth in the best interest of students. They tell me about getting glares, being shunned, “causing trouble” when trying to do the right thing. They may risk non-renewal or firing.

Parents often share with me that they don’t have a voice

They fear that if they speak up, their child will suffer somehow.

Many parents have gotten the run-around so many times they’re ready to explode.

A parent recently told me that the school was requiring their high schooler to take the ACT test– that the entire school “had” to take it. She wrote to the admin, “Since my son can barely complete 50% of the ACT exam, and with low accuracy, and is not getting needed accommodations, we would prefer for him to opt out of the 4/23 exam. Please confirm: We want to ensure there is No Penalty against our son for opting out of the April 23rd exam. The practice test had 75 questions. In the time provided, he got 34 correct responses.” After a few cryptic replies, she finally had to go in person to get a clear “no, he will not be penalized.” Schools can’t force kids to take tests, but they certainly don’t tell you about your rights to opt-out either. In fact, a lot of people get angry at the thought of kids opting out, driven by a scarcity mindset and fear that funding will get cut. Either way, listen to your gut, keep advocating until your child’s needs are properly met.

You’re not alone

One parent wrote me about her situation, “He is quite behind and very disorganized and discouraged. He has a list of missing assignments. Some are missing, some not finished or finished and just not turned in. He is very discouraged with school, doesn’t seem to care. Feels he can’t improve his grade. Doesn’t want to make up missed assignments because he feels he is still going to flunk. I don’t know what to do. We all know he is smart, except him.” I hear a similar story with different words all the time. You’re not alone. Keep pushing forward.

Nonsense policies or rules

A parent recently wrote me about a situation they were dealing with, “This is RIDICULOUS!  Why are they concerned about things that are so trivial???? I am thinking about finding a different school. I feel very guilty for putting my son in a situation where he feels sad, stressed, angry  and “stupid.”” Too many people are wasting time with trite issues.

Rigidity

A lot of the families I work with deal with teachers who are so rigid that you wonder why they became teachers. Some simply don’t have the inner tools needed to properly serve students. Unfortunately, school leadership doesn’t always support teachers to develop their craft much beyond mandatory “staff development” and ineffective accountability procedures. If you feel like someone doesn’t get your kid, you’re probably right.

IEP, 504

Ever sit through an IEP or 504 meeting baffled by lip service and how challenging it is to help a student in need? 10 people crammed in a small room for 30 minutes to discuss the complex needs of an outside-the-box learner doesn’t cut it. Not to mention, parents often tell me they don’t feel like anyone even reads/honors these documents.

Just waiting for this school year to be over

I am deeply disturbed every time I hear a parent discuss this. We live in a country that provides free education to its citizens. We are really screwing it up when kids are suffering so much that families are just waiting for it to be over! And the upcoming year is a crapshoot. What an unnecessary disservice! School can and should be fun, engaging, and rewarding for all learners.

Shit show

When I asked one of my teacher friends how her year was going, she said, “this year’s been a shit show.” Bigger classes, less planning time, more paperwork, less autonomy, more time working from home, cut arts, less support, another new curriculum, no raise again, etc.. Teachers tell me similar stories all the time. Our kids deserve teachers who are taken care of. Period.  

Hero

It’s hard for a system to question patterns or long held beliefs. If you’re trying to change things to ensure that students are getting what they need to write their own scripts in life, and you run up against barriers that baffle you, you’re not crazy. Standing up for the rights of kids to experience great education is the work of the humble hero. You are sane and students need you (I’m speaking to parents, educators, therapists, and anyone else interested in kids). Your voice matters, your willingness to stand up for effective education matters. It’s literally heroic. We are the stewards of a wild new world and taming it can be exhausting and discouraging. Don’t give in. We are leaving this world to the children we love, the stakes are high. It’s a time of unprecedented change, which is terrifying and thrilling at the same time. There are tremendous problems we are leaving our children to deal with and massive hope, but education is key. People everywhere are stepping up and making a huge difference. It is imperative, vital, critical that we give our kids the type of education they need to solve the problems they are growing up with. You matter. You absolutely, definitely, positively, matter. You are Joseph Campbell’s hero, on a transformative journey, digging deep, slaying dragons. Everything you do to make things better, matters, so keep it up. Keep raising the vibration and empowering our kids. Thank YOU for being a part of the solution. Shine on.  
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The problem with writing papers

One of the college students I work with recently emailed me this: “I need to produce an outline for a term paper this semester (completing the outline is an actual assignment, due Monday, April 7) and I would like to meet for your assistance on that. We do not have to worry about quickly moving past the outline, like we did on that last paper. I also plan to meet with the professor Monday and Wednesday mornings to discuss overall concerns with the paper beforehand and get a better idea on how to proceed.”
I need to produce an outline for a term paper

Let me set the stage

The kid is smart. Ten times as smart as I am. In fact, I never understand the content he’s studying- it’s beyond me. This paper was about industrial mobilization in America during WWI and the developing relationship between government and business. I don’t even know what that means, but I do know how to help struggling students organize ideas and write papers.

So here’s the problem with writing papers

Kids get great ideas and want to vomit them onto paper immediately. The paper goes in too may directions and becomes muddy/unfocused. Recovering from this mess requires a lot of backpedaling which is tedious, frustrating, discouraging, lowers motivation and diminishes interest in writing. There are a lot of details to manage when writing papers, and struggling students notoriously aren’t great with details. In the case of this student, I had him get out all his ideas verbally. I asked questions, listened and typed a mess of notes as he spoke. Then I helped him reel it in. This was no easy task because the notes were all over the place. But since I listened from an outside perspective, I could hear his key points pretty clearly. These eventually became the thesis and section headings. We were able to make an extensive outline that flowed well. Now he can copy the outline, fill in the sections, revise and edit from there. Much better!

Things to consider

In order to better help students who struggle with writing papers, here are 4 things to consider:

1. Processing

Right brained kids process differently. They’re not concrete, linear, sequential, step by step, detail oriented, black & white thinkers, and they don’t follow rules/structures the same way. They’re abstract, big picture, global thinkers, creative, inventive, imaginative, intuitive, random, and their thoughts weave all over the place, jumping from from topic to topic.
Modern brain scans are mind blowing and are reshaping our understanding of learning
When writing papers they need clear structure and they need it chunked down into manageable steps. Writing a paper isn’t just writing a paper. It’s many details; thinking of ideas, discussing, daydreaming, planning, outlining, narrowing the topic, drafting, making a cover page, editing, revising, remembering to write and not wait until the last minute. Even turning it in is a step that can be hard. Contemplate the individual’s needs. I ask students what they need to in order to write the paper they want to write and really listen to the response. I’m always impressed by how well they can articulate it when the question is posed.  

2. Planning

Planning (aka prewriting) is the most important part of the writing process and ironically it’s the most neglected part. Plan, plan, plan. Teach kids to outline, brainstorm, daydream, talk out ideas, make story boards, lists, webs. Get them planning how they want their papers to go. The 3 most important questions:
  1. Who specifically is your audience? (a great exercise is to write “to” one specific person)
  2. What specifically is your purpose? (What do you want the reader to feel, think or do?)
  3. How do you plan to meet that purpose?
Then plan. A lot.

3. Time

However long you think writing should take, double or triple your estimate. It’s a craft. Having said that, if a student is getting burnt out, you MUST reevaluate or they will learn to loathe writing, which is terrible. We want to empower students to LOVE the art of writing. I recommend kids take large writing blocks to savor the process, sometimes 2-4 hours. Plan in breaks and snacks and such, but eliminate electronics, open tabs, games. Basically, create the ultimate writing environment, and honor it. Dive into the process, it takes time. This is where the magic happens.

4. Fun

Meaningless writing assignments, standardized tests and busywork put out the fire. Ignite and inspire. Have fun. Be light, don’t take it too seriously. Writing is a gift, a magical tool of communication, an art, an expression. Kids love to write when they feel like authors, when they feel like their ideas matter. That’s where we can support them best.

Back to the student

I emailed to see how it was going. Here is his response: “All is well! Got a 10/10 on my outline and apparently only 3 others out of 15 or so students did, so I’m very grateful to you for helping. Presentation also went well, and I got a stupid Roman art project done that was worth a quarter of my grade. So now I’m starting to expand my outline and I’ll probably get to writing draft on Wednesday.” So it works. Understand that right brained learners have different needs, get them to plan thoroughly, plan large blocks of time to honor the craft, and have fun!  

Hate to beat a dead horse…

I recently received an email from a teacher of one of my middle school clients. It opened, “The binder I ask students to maintain has sections for: (1) Literature Notes, (2) Writing & Grammar Notes, (3) Vocabulary, (4) SSR entries, and (5) Texts – the short stories and myths I’ve passed out.” I see this often- highly organized teachers who require students to maintain highly organized binder systems like this. While I appreciate the intention behind this, it is overkill and counterproductive for many kids. Let me break this down: Kids who are naturally organized often love these systems. They’re concrete systems, there is no confusion about what goes where. Everything has an orderly place. It feels good to these students to manage everything so precisely. But to the kids who are not naturally organized, this can be a very different experience. To illustrate how difficult this can be for right brained students, I’ve copied this email from my student’s mom. Note the word choice as it illustrates the magnitude of the needless suffering of this student.”Hi Seth, My son has been incurring the ire of his English teacher for not having his binder, so I wrote a brief note of explanation. I understand her concerns regarding the things he needs for class , including ongoing projects. I don’t think her needs will conflict with what you are doing but if you could touch base with her that would be greatly appreciated by both me and my son ( who is the brunt of her displeasure). I haven’t heard from any of his other teachers re this.” (note: we revamped his entire system of managing schoolwork and personalized it for his needs) This sort of stuff drives me crazy since it’s so unnecessary for a kid to suffer like this. If I had a magic wand, teachers like this would take a step back, really notice the incredible human being in front of them, see the opportunity to inspire, deeply contemplate what the student needs in order to fall in LOVE with the content, change their strategy with this aim in mind and start over with the student. By start over, I mean heal the relationship, take stock of the students strengths and build upon them rather than push and push and push for conformity. Look, don’t get me wrong, I’m all about pushing students beyond their comfort zones when it would benefit them, but it’s a very delicate balance. My strategy is to babystep students forward from where they are, not where they “should” be according to “developmental norms” or arbitrary expectations. Push too far and they become discouraged. Push the right amount and they are encouraged. And that my friend, is a difference that matters.