Category: Emotional wellness

Why “just get over it” is bad advice

Parents, this is for students. People sometimes say “just get over it” but this sentiment is wildly misleading, and does not help students learn what they need to learn in order to EFFECTIVELY deal with problems. This video explores how to better look at difficulties so students can have more effective tools to process.


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Video Transcript: Click here to download the transcript PDF.

You see that right there? That’s a big mountain. Can you imagine getting over that thing? Let me tell you, getting over that mountain, and there’s a point to this, getting over that mountain is way harder than it looks. And ii’s way harder than it has to be. Right now, I just hiked uphill for a while. Now making down for a little bit, so I’ll catch my breath in a second. But, what is up students? My name is Seth, SethPerler.com. I’m what’s called an executive function coach based in Colorado. I help struggling students navigate this thing called education so that you can have an awesome life.

What I want to talk about here is getting over it, versus getting through it. You know, in your life, you’re gonna hear a lot of people tell you, “Just get over it. Just get over it.” There is no such thing as just getting over it. It’s so wrong. People who say that, often are people who do not know how to deal with their problems or their feelings. They stuffed them. Our culture teaches us to stuff our feelings, to not feel our feelings. It teaches us that it’s not okay to feel our feelings. “Don’t cry about it, just let it go. Just forget about it. Just stop thinking about it. Just get over it.” Well, let me tell you something. Let me impart some wisdom on you that I have learned in my life the hard way, and I’m sure some of the people in your life have learned this the hard way, maybe you’ve learned it the hard way. There is no getting over it. Getting over it is way harder than it seems. That mountain. If you were to get over it, you would have to have serious rock climbing equipment, serious belayers, people who would keep you safe during that rock climb, and it’s extremely technical and extremely difficult. However, what I’m doing right now is I’m getting through it. I’m getting through it. I’m getting through the mountains here. Okay?

One of the differences between getting over it and getting through it is this. When you are getting over it, when we are getting over it, what we’re often doing is we are stuffing it. We’re stuffing our feelings, we’re pretending it’s not there, we’re acting tough. We’re trying to act like it doesn’t matter, trying to forget about it, trying to just let it go. Trying to distract ourselves with electronics, TV, even social life, even things that are not inherently bad. But when we are using them to distract ourselves from feeling the feelings we need to feel, that’s not good. So that’s getting over it. But getting through it, getting through it is the real courageous thing. Feeling your feelings is the real courageous thing, allowing yourself to move through emotions. So we have basically these two parts of us, we have sort of a rational and logical mind, and we have an emotional mind. When people are able to get through it, that means that they are feeling the difficult emotions, and it is very courageous. It’s very hard to feel our feelings. It takes a lot of time, patience, and persistence. But what we find is that we’re afraid, and we don’t like to think we’re afraid. We’d like to think “Oh, yeah, I’m not afraid. I don’t get afraid of things.” Well, fear really can rule us a lot of times, and being afraid to feel our feelings can really rule us. Even people that look like the strongest people you would ever think, a lot of them are afraid to feel. They’ll act like they don’t, because they’re so terrified to feel they want the whole world to think that they don’t feel. We are supposed to feel we are human. So getting through it. A lot of times what we find is that when we get through it, and we feel those feelings that are so scary, they can be so terrifying, when we allow ourselves to feel them and do what’s called process our feelings in healthy manner. Whether that’s seeing a therapist, journaling, just sitting quietly and allowing it to pass, thinking about it, bouncing it off of a friend, telling a parent, telling somebody about what you’re going through, someone you trust, having a good conversation, a good cry, a good sad moment, lonely moment, it’s okay to feel those things. And what we find is that when we feel them, first of all, they pass a lot quicker than when we try to act like we don’t feel anything. When we try to get over it, it turns out that they pass a lot quicker. It also turns out that they’re not as bad as we were afraid they were going to be. We tend to catastrophize. We tend to think our feelings are so scary, it’s going to kill us, like “How can I feel this? This is terrible. This is awful. I just wanted to stop I just want to go away.” But when we move through it and we allow ourselves to feel the anger, or the sadness, or the loneliness, or whatever the feeling is, we notice that like a cloud, what ends up happening is if you watch that cloud long enough, right now, as you’re watching it, it might seem like it’s sitting still. But if you watch it for a minute or two, you’ll notice that it passes. And that’s what happens when we are processing feelings in a healthy way. They can pass, they can do their work. They have a message for us too. Whenever we feel something, the reason we feel anger, sadness, loneliness, all these things, they’re trying to tell us something that we have a need. A need we need to express or we need to fulfill. If we’re angry, anger is what’s called a boundary emotion. So anger is telling us that a boundary is being hit. We need to work with whatever boundary is being taken advantage of. Now, that may not be true, we may be perceiving things differently. But it also we may not, we may really someone’s pushing our boundaries. And the anger is telling us this doesn’t feel right. I need to, in a healthy way, communicate and move through this, and yada yada.

Anyhow, I really just wanted to make that point. I want you to leave this video knowing when someone says, “Get over it.” That’s not where it’s at. Getting through it and having the courage to feel and process difficult emotions takes time. It’s a skill, it takes years to learn how to do, but that is what’s going to serve you. That’s what’s going to help you create the life of your dreams. That’s what’s gonna help you have a better career when you’re older. That’s what’s gonna help you have better relationships with your family, your friends, your community. That’s what’s gonna help you have peace in your heart. All right, that’s all I got.

Am I A Good Parent?

Please CLICK above to share. Parents, obviously there’s no instruction book for how to help your child. And sometimes children are legitimately difficult to help effectively. When parents come to me, they’re often at their wits end and at a loss. This video explores this a bit, but my main message here is that you are not alone. Not even a little bit. A larger and larger proportion os students are neurodiverse, outside-the-box, atypical learners and thinkers. More and more kids are not effectively served by cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all, inside-the-box educational approaches that seek “standardization.” Your child is not standard, and they need an education that recognizes their differences, and you are not alone. The bell curve is flattening, there are more and more outliers all the time. We need more individualized, personalized education for all learners.
Love my work and want to give? Click here! To support me, please CLICK at the bottom to share. Click here to visit my official YouTube Channel & subscribe if you want! Thank you — Seth
Reading the transcript? Great! We’re currently uploading hundreds of transcripts so you can read them asap, but they are NOT all edited yet. This is a big process. If you notice anything wrong and want to help us, feel free to click this Google Form to share it. Thanks so much for pitching in! – Seth

Video transcript:

Hey families, what’s up? It’s me. Step is to throw it out, Hope you having a great day. I’m coming you today from Cougar Mountain outside Seattle. I just did some socks here and Seattle and I’m going to be headed back to Colorado by later today about for my blog this week. I wanted to mention something very interesting. I had my first meet up with people who follow my blog. So I’ve got about a thousand people on the Block so far and I decided we’ll see what happens. If we do meet up and I had about 10 people come to the meet up at a great little restaurant in Capitol Hill in Seattle. So interesting, but I want I want to explain to you one of the most interesting statement that one of the parents shared that day and what she said was that she said I hear parents who complain and they say I have to tell my kid once or twice to do their stuff and it’s so frustrating and she said that is my dream. I would love to only be able to help that asked him once or twice to do their work, but it is a battle to get them. Do anything and I’m paraphrasing. But basically that’s the gist of this conversation what I really want to leave you with parents is this you are not alone. Not only are you not alone. I have 8000 people on the on my list that there are tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of families who have neuro a typical students students who don’t fit inside the box now, it’s not just a few not just a couple of kid. It’s not just an outlier here and there the bell curve is getting flat. So the outliers are growing. Okay gender Sam I’m saying parents to You Are Not Alone there are tons of families in there so much shame wrapped around this in so many parents who feel like they’re not doing it right or there’s something wrong with them or they’re going to be shamed by culture Society or schools are other parents or something that they’re not doing it, right and they’re not good. And there’s so much of this sort of Secret of Shame parents. Don’t often share what’s going on and it’s hard to find a place to share it but it is proven by not only this meet up but tons and tons and tons of people who have emailed me and tons of people families that I work with. This is not just some tiny little outlier. There’s an extraordinary big proportion of kids who do not fit inside the box there a typical Earnest are a typical fingers. There are nodes of children and there is nothing wrong with them. They are not broken. They do not need to be fixed. There is nothing wrong with your child. The even the word wrong is wrong. Okay, they start to feel bad about themselves. They feel like they’re broken. Like there’s something wrong with them and they feel shamed and they have all these struggles. Look your child has a unique framed. Okay, they are a typical and there are no adverse that does not mean weird that does not mean strange that does not mean broken that does not remain wrong. I’m so frustrated right now because I see so many kids suffer in school and so many parents suffer feeling like they’re doing something wrong. You did not get an instruction book and its 2018 and we know more about what is kidney than ever but it isn’t main string at okay, so there is nothing wrong with your child. Now the question that you want to be asking is how do we meet their unique means I’m going to say that again. The question we want to be asking is how do we meet the needs of these neurodiverse kids and my answer for you is not rocket. There’s an old saying in special at it, which we came a saying and get the dad and the saying goes like this. Specialized practice best practices best practice for everyone gifted best practices best practice for everyone parents. What does that mean teachers who are watching you guys probably know what this means already, but that’s a mean that basically for gifted and talented students and for special ed students. It’s since they’re more outliers. It’s more clear that they need more individualized instruction or differentiated instruction. You can look up differentiation. The point is is that these kids need education That’s Amore Taylor. It’s less cookie cutter. It’s tailored and personalized to their own unique idiosyncrasies. Okay. Well that is best practice for everyone and I do believe that okay, so we need education that’s going to meet everyone’s needs. Well that requires an extraordinary amount of effort on the behalf of schools and teachers. They need resources than money and time. Yes, they do things need to change. This is not a Small segment of the population where we can do differentiation for just a few kids. This is a getting to be a larger and larger portion of the kids in each class. We need to train teachers in my opinion to be artist and train the much better and not have 50% of teachers quitting by year five because they’re so burnout. We need to be really supporting them to support our kids. Anyhow, I just wanted to leave you with those thoughts today, you know, it’s the beginning of the year and your parents are starting to see the dip happen already. I’m hearing it in emails and kids are struggling and I have parents asked me how do we articulate these IEPs and 504s? How do we Advocate if we don’t have that and I I just I hear the same stories all the time and that’s because the same problems have not changed and we need to change this the parents you are not broken. You do not need to be fixed. Do you need to be educated and learn about the stuff? Yes, but is there something wrong with you know, you did not get an instruction book, okay. In the system that has not changed nearly enough people are doing great things in education there a lot of innovators in a lot of amazing teachers a lot of amazing people out there, but the system as a whole has not changed and it doesn’t want to change they have no no need to hide their there are people who are profiting off of text books curriculum technology there people that are making store in and testing companies, of course extraordinary billions and billions of dollars. They don’t want to change the stuff. So and it’s not going to change until parents and teachers are so clear on the topic that they can be so outraged that they can say no. I’m not the only parent I know. I’m not the only one coming to you with this issue. I need help. You need to start my child. Let’s do this and there needs to be sort of a united front of all these people. So now I want you to Imagine This About one and five kids has some nerve very there. They’re strung out. Why are there no divorce or a typical 20% go look at on the playground one in every five. How many families is that? A lot of families have more than one kids? So it’s a lot of families. Probably I don’t know 30 or 40% of families. And students who are not no more diverse who are more typical parents don’t want them to grow up to be average anyway or typical they want their needs met in Foster. They want them to shine and be pushed also. So anyhow, there’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with your kid. That doesn’t mean don’t do anything about obviously you wouldn’t be watching this video because people will follow me are desperately trying to find solution, but I want you to walk away from this video thing. Okay, we’re not crazy. We’re not broken. There’s nothing wrong with us. There are plenty of people in the same boat that we are how do we connect with other like-minded families? How do we get the stuff out from and hiding and get away from the shame of it? How do we start to change those things? How do we get our teachers to support that they need so they can support our kids. And so that you guys can hopefully leave this video just asking those questions and feeling like me as a parent. I’m doing the best I know how to do. I’m really trying not going to kill myself. I’m not going to see myself. I’m going to be proud of him showing up. I’m going to go try to connect with other people going to tell Mike get the most important thing in the most important thing you can ever ever ever do for your kid in my Is to have quality time with them is to build the relationship with them. They might have all these struggles. They might fail classes. They might this that and the other, but if you have a great relationship with your child, if you built a healthy secure attachment with your child does not have to be perfect if you’re working in that direction. You guys are creating the relationship and that’s where the primary focus is the least in the back of your head. You’re always work on the relationship that my friends is what you will need when they get older and they have real problems in life. You want them to be able to come to you because you have a great relationship with them and want to communicate with you and want help from you and want connection with you. That is number one in my opinion. I hope you have a great day against the stuff the stuff broward.com. If you like this, please thumbs up at share with somebody that you care about and subscribe if you have not subscribed yet. Have a great day.

Anxiety and Kids [Guest post]

http://owlhearthealingarts.com/
http://owlhearthealingarts.com/

This is the first time I have had a guest post. I am extremely picky about things like that, but I’ve wanted Jen to do a post for me for a long time because she is really good at her work! So, I invited Boulder somatic psychotherapist, Jennifer Delaney, MA, NCC to write a guest post specifically about anxiety, because over the years I have seen that it is a growing problem for our youth. I’ve witnessed more and more kids go to residential treatment centers for anxiety and other emotional problems, whereas those were once just for chemical dependency issues. I work with more and more clients who struggle with debilitating anxiety. For example, one student hasn’t been to school in over a month, because his anxiety is so bad that he can’t get himself out of the house, despite his best intentions. Often parents and teachers do not understand it and that can make things worse, despite trying to help.

Jen is colleague and one of the most talented therapists I’ve ever met. I have sent numerous families to get help from her. Jen teaches body-centered tools to support Brainspotting and other counseling modalities.  She also assists adults and teens struggling with anxiety and transitions such as divorce or beginning college. You can read Jen’s awesome blog here (sign up, it’s fantastic)or check out her Course: Get Calm! Neuroscientific Tips and Tools to Relieve Anxiety 


The Struggle with Anxiety and How to Support Your Kids

By Jen Delaney

In the Huff Post, Lindsay Holmes states, “Anxiety disorders affect approximately 40 million American adults per year, which is about 18% of the country’s population. They are also one of the most prevalent pediatric psychiatric conditions.”

This is why it’s imperative to identify anxiety early, and to offer kids some skills and understanding about what they are up against, so that they can feel supported to thrive.

The Set Up It was easier for parents in days of yore, because the emotional well-being of a child wasn’t a top priority. Buck up! Get a grip! I’ll give you something to cry about! were common responses. As psychological awareness increased, life got more complicated. Most parents and caregivers seek to offer kids healthy boundaries and challenge them, while also honoring their emotions and limitations, including anxiety. I have read callous articles bemoaning pandering to kids’ feelings that do not take into consideration the additional pressures kids are under, as well as more subtle influences, such as inherited ancestral trauma.

In the Time Magazine article, “Anxiety, Depression and the Modern Adolescent,” Susanna Schrobsdorff states, “Sometimes called spoiled, coddled or helicoptered
 a closer look paints a far more heartbreaking portrait of why young people are suffering. Anxiety and depression in high school kids have been on the rise since 2012 after several years of stability. It’s a phenomenon that cuts across all demographics–suburban, urban and rural; those who are college bound and those who aren’t. Family financial stress can exacerbate these issues, and studies show that girls are more at risk than boys.”

Adverse Childhood Experiences Sometimes there are more obvious factors called Adverse Childhood Experiences or ACES. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention states, “Childhood experiences, both positive and negative, have a tremendous impact on future violence victimization and perpetration, and lifelong health and opportunity. As such, early experiences are an important public health issue.” Parents, as well as high school counselors and educators, could offer kids an ACES assessment to have a better understanding of their background.

Awareness = Evolution I’ve also read articles bemoaning the idea that every kid is getting a trophy, rather than allowing children to experience and navigate loss, and I would agree that protecting children from all inevitable emotional pain isn’t helpful. But human evolution is a messy process. The pendulum will swing, and we will find a happy medium. If you think about it, this long of a stretch of affluence and peace is unprecedented. If we don’t have an external battle throwing humans into survival mode, then we have the opportunity to explore the internal terrain of emotions. This new frontier can be equally terrifying, and often people create internal threats because this newfound peace feels foreign. We recreate what we know.

I Can Relate Families can be relatively well adjusted and happy, providing a child with every kind of support, and a child might still struggle with anxiety. As a matter of fact, that can contribute to shame if a child is thinking, “I have nothing to be scared about.”

I have a child who struggles with anxiety, and it was particularly difficult for her in high school when academic pressures mounted at a time when she was dealing with social issues. Self-acceptance isn’t exactly on the top of the list at that age. Before they can accept who they are, they need to understand themselves and their limitations, and realize that it’s okay to be themselves. That comes with maturity. Academic and social pressures were hard enough for my daughter to navigate, but throw in a bit of family discord, a personal trauma as well as ancestral trauma (a grandmother who almost died several times in WWII) and a political world full of contention, and it just got to be too overwhelming.

Happily, by supporting her and trusting her process, my daughter is in a successful two-year relationship and is a senior at UCSD. She still struggles with anxiety, but she has learned how to navigate it in her own way and on her own time. Pushing her outside of her “window of tolerance” or shaming her would have exacerbated the problem and led to further disorders.

Window of Tolerance If you don’t read another word of this article, it is important for children, parents and educators alike to at least watch this 6-minute video about the Window of Tolerance. Each child has different triggers and varying windows sizes. When pushed outside of that window, the cortical brain goes offline and the limbic and reptilian parts of the brain take control. Effective therapies can widen kids’ windows of tolerance and help them to tolerate more pressure.

What is Anxiety? Some anxiety and fear is usual and customary. After all, if we didn’t have some fear we wouldn’t leap out of the way of an oncoming car that we didn’t hear coming. Some fear protects us. However, when vigilance becomes ongoing hypervigilance, it takes a toll on the body, mind and spirit.

Diagnosis I am focusing here on what is diagnosed as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), not Social Anxiety or Panic Disorder, although some people may suffer from a mix of disorders, not just exclusive to anxiety.

I could write a whole post about the advantages and disadvantages of diagnosis, but in a nutshell: The downside is that people may get pigeonholed or labeled based on the diagnosis or a professional potentially might misdiagnose. (Complex Trauma is often misdiagnosed as depression and anxiety.)

Also, it’s important to explain to kids that they are not their disorder. They don’t need to identify as that. It is just a small piece that offers the opportunity to get the right kind of support and helps them to feel less alone. There is nothing wrong with their essential being; they are just dealing with some physiological (not psychological) components that complicate their good intentions and cognitive function.

The Truth about Teens with Anxiety Most of them are conscientious and have a desire to do well and to overcome their disorder. The internalized shame around the behavioral effects of their anxiety makes the anxiety even worse so to imply that they are weak or trying to get attention exacerbates the issue.

It’s important when talking with teens to tell them that there is nothing wrong with them psychologically. Anxiety is physiological. For some reason, when triggered, their body sends them into survival mode (fight, flight or freeze), which is outside of conscious control. It feels “life or death” to the body and it’s not an option. Trauma and anxiety triggers are stored outside of the language centers, in the deep brain. When people develop a better understanding about what’s going on in their brain, they can have more compassion for their disorder. Just keep this in mind: Shame makes it worse and sends a person back into the anxiety loop, whereas compassion provides space for the brain to heal.

Symptoms of Anxiety According to the National Institute of Mental Health, “People with generalized anxiety disorder display excessive anxiety or worry for months and face several anxiety-related symptoms.”

Here is a list of the symptoms associated with GAD:

  • Restlessness or feeling wound-up or on edge
  • Being easily fatigued
  • Difficulty concentrating or having their minds go blank
  • Irritability
  • Muscle tension
  • Difficulty controlling the worry
  • Sleep problems (difficulty falling or staying asleep or restless, unsatisfying sleep)

Many kids suffer in silence, so it’s helpful to consider these symptoms, and if they are exhibiting several of them, to consider GAD as a potential issue.

Common Misconceptions In perusing the web for myths, I came across many sources.

Here are some of the myths and faulty beliefs listed as blocks to meaningful and lasting recovery:

  1. Once you have it, you’ll always have it; there is nothing that can be done.
  2. There are quick-fix remedies and miracle cures for overcoming anxiety.
  3. If you eat right, exercise, avoid caffeine, and live a healthy lifestyle, your anxiety will go away.
  4. Deep relaxation alone can eliminate anxiety disorder.
  5. People with anxiety are weak; struggling with anxiety isn’t a big deal.
  6. The condition is not that common.
  7. Issues with anxiety stem from a poor childhood.
  8. People suffering from anxiety should just avoid whatever is causing their fear.
  9. The disorder will resolve on its own.
  10. Unwinding with a drink can soothe an anxious person.
  11. Anxiety disorder is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.
  12. Anxiety disorder is caused by a genetic predisposition.
  13. Anxiety is only born from a certain fear or trauma.
  14. There’s nothing you can say to help an anxious person relax.

There are more myths, but this gives you a general idea.

Here’s what young adults with anxiety had to say (as reported by BuzzFeed staff writer, Anna Kopsky):

  1. Anxiety’s a real condition — not just a buzzword.
  2. There doesn’t always have to be a tangible reason behind feeling anxious.
  3. Sometimes, it hits out of absolutely nowhere.
  4. Having it isn’t a quirk. If someone tells you they are anxious, take them seriously!
  5. Anxiousness isn’t just “a phase.”
  6. Telling us to calm down actually makes things worse.
  7. Suggesting that we meditate isn’t very helpful advice.
  8. Medication isn’t an instant fix. If it were, though, that’d be incredible, right?
  9. No, we DO NOT enjoy being anxious.
  10. We are not pretending to have an illness to get attention.
  11. We’re not trying to come off as rude, angry, or lazy.
  12. Just because we get anxious about seemingly irrational things, doesn’t mean we aren’t logical people.
  13. Living with anxiety can get seriously exhausting.
  14. Just because we don’t act like we’re on edge, doesn’t mean we’re not.
  15. If you have a friend who’s anxious, the best way to help is to be kind, or just listen.
  16. And, most importantly, having anxiety DOES NOT make someone weak.

Self-Control vs. Self-Regulation In Dr. Stuart Shanker and Teresa Barker’s book, SELF-REG: How to Help Your Child (and you) Break the Stress Cycle and Successful Engage with Life, he states, “Self-control is about inhibiting impulses; self-regulation is about identifying the causes and reducing the intensity of impulses and, when necessary [and possible], having the energy to resist. He offers a five-step method to 1. Recognize when the child is overstressed, 2. Identify and then 3. Reduce the stressors 4. Help, or empower, the child to know how to help herself and 5. Help her to develop self-regulation strategies.

While GAD is more overwhelming than just being “stressed,” learning self-regulation can help. If practiced when an individual is calm, it is more likely to help when they are triggered because in spite of the cognitive parts of the brain shutting down, it will have become second nature or a habit to practice self-regulation.

What do you do when the shit hits the fan? Ms. Holmes goes on to say: “If you’re looking to put someone you know with anxiety at ease, the best thing to do is to ask questions. Inquire from the person, ‘How can I be helpful?’ ‘What can I do or say that’s going to help you in this moment?’ Take your direction from the person themselves instead of going on the assumption of what they may need from you.”

While breath work can be a helpful preventative measure, telling someone who is seriously anxious to take a deep breath will make the situation worse. Remember their bodies are telling them they are in a life or death situation even if they “know” they aren’t, so slowing the breath down feels counterintuitive and, often, will actually send someone into a panic attack.

Instead, try a vagal maneuver.

The Vagus Nerve Stimulating the vagus nerve brings on board the parasympathetic nervous system and overrides the physiological fight, flight or freeze reaction. The quickest and simplest one when someone is in a heightened or hypervigilant state is to hold an ice cube or put a cold rag on the face. You can also dunk your hands in ice water. A teen could keep an ice pack in a lunch bag and use as needed. I provide more exercises and vagal maneuvers below.

When the vagus nerve adapts, and is easily stimulated, this is referred to as “vagal tone.”

What kind of support to seek A combination of good self-help information and working with an experienced anxiety disorder therapist, coach, or counselor is the most effective way to address anxiety and its many symptoms. Find a counselor who practices a somatic or body-centered modality because the roots of anxiety are stored outside of language centers, in the deep brain. That being said, ideally the counselor will be familiar with both a Body-Centered Technique, such as Brainspotting, as well as Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) skills. CBT is an excellent complement, because it helps to set some goals that help to increase the window of tolerance and change habits. However, CBT alone falls short long term, because it does not tap and potentially resolve the source.

Mindfulness is important to learn, and most body-centered therapists model forms of it in their therapies. Dr. David Grand, creator of Brainspotting, for example, refers to his modality as “focused mindfulness.” I provide some mindfulness exercises below.

What to do proactively to help prevent/minimize anxiety Listening to bilateral music while wearing headphones (which are required for the bilateral effect) can decrease anxiety.

Bilateral Music: Search on YouTube for “bilateral music – Dr. David Grand” Here is a sample.

Websites

Biolateral.com or Reflections or any album by “Bodhi Tree Bilateral” at CDBaby.com

Vagal Maneuvers and Mindfulness Exercises to practice

Vagal Maneuvers

  • Diving Reflex: Considered a first rate vagus nerve stimulation technique, splashing cold water on your face from your lips to your scalp line stimulates the diving reflex. You can also achieve the nervous system cooling effects by placing ice cubes in a zip-lock and holding the ice against your face and a brief hold of your breath. The diving reflex slows your heart rate, increases blood flow to your brain, reduces anger and relaxes your body. An additional technique that stimulates the diving reflex is to submerge your tongue in liquid. Drink and hold lukewarm water in your mouth sensing the water with your tongue. Also, from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, dunking one or both hands in ice can serve to bring the body back to present time and, thus, the prefrontal cortex, or thinking brain, back online.
  • Convergence: Hold up a pen or your index finger. Make sure your arm is comfortable with the position. Now, move your focus from the tip of the pen (or finger) to point beyond it on the wall or floor. Spend 3-8 seconds at each spot. “Convergence Brainspotting activates the ocular cardiac reflex (OCR) which leads to rapid, deep processing.” (from Brainspotting by Dr. David Grand)
  • Humming: The vagus nerve passes through by the vocal cords and the inner ear and the vibrations of humming is a free and easy way to influence your nervous system states. Simply pick your favorite tune and you’re ready to go. Or if yoga fits your lifestyle you can “OM” your way to wellbeing. Notice and enjoy the sensations in your chest, throat, and head.
  • Breath Work:
  1. The breath is one of the fastest ways to influence our nervous system states. The aim is to move the belly and diaphragm with the breath and to slow down your breathing. Vagus nerve stimulation occurs when the breath is slowed from our typical 10-14 breaths per minute to 5-7 breaths per minute. You can achieve this by counting the inhalation to 5, hold briefly, and exhale to a count of 10. You can further stimulate the vagus nerve by creating a slight constriction at the back of the throat and creating an “hhh”. Breathe like you are trying to fog a mirror to create the feeling in the throat but inhale and exhale out of the nose sound (in yoga this is called Ujjayi pranayama).
  2. (Andrew Weil) If you are stressed (and not seriously anxious), sit comfortably and take a deep, slow breath in through the nose and into the diaphragm for 4 seconds. Hold for 6 seconds and breathe out slowly through the mouth 8 seconds (place tip of tongue on the ridge on the upper palate of the mouth while exhaling). Repeat 10 times. If you are hyperventilating, cup your hands over your mouth (or use a small paper bag) and breathe slowly. Keep breathing as you would normally to regain the carbon dioxide levels in your system.
  3. Inhale and pause, and then exhale and pause. Notice if one is longer or shorter and try to make them equal length. You can also experiment with making small movements (like rolling the wrists) on inhale and then be still on the exhale.
  • Valsalva Maneuver: This complicated name refers to a process of attempting to exhale against a closed airway. You can do this by keeping your mouth closed and pinching your nose while trying to breathe out. This increases the pressure inside of your chest cavity increasing vagal tone. Also, simultaneously bear down like you’re taking a bowel movement.

Mindfulness Exercises

  • Take Your Pulse: Place your left hand underneath your right shoulder. Cross your right hand over your left wrist and feel for your pulse with your index, middle and ring finger. Feel under each finger. In Jin Shin, practitioners read six different pulses in each wrist. Here you will be feeling for three. Notice if the pulses under each finger feel different or the same. They may be pebbly, feathery, pounding or “just right.” Notice if your skin feels warm and soft. Breathe into the diaphragm and continue for 1-5 minutes.
  • Self Soothe: From the work of Peter Levine creator of Somatic Experiencing, this practice calms the nervous system and brings a person back into the body, present time. Close your eyes during this exercise once you are familiar with it. Choose a hand to place on your heart – try both hands and pick the hand that creates the greatest sense of calm. Press gently against your chest. Notice the place where your hand meets the fabric of your shirt. Is it soft or rough? Do you feel warmth? Now place the opposite hand on your forehead with a gentle pressure. Notice the place where your hand meets the skin of your forehead. Is it warm? Cold? Tingling? Slow your breath, allowing it to be deeper into the diaphragm and belly. Leaving your hand on your heart, now take the hand that was on your forehead and place it on your stomach. Again, observe the feeling underneath your hand. Can you feel your belly rising and falling with your breath? Can you feel your heart beating underneath the other hand? Do this for 1-10 minutes.

Short version: Just place your hand on your heart and notice your breath without changing it. This can be done anywhere, any time with immediate results.

  • Gravity Exploration: Sit comfortably in a chair. Feel the weight of your feet on the floor, as though they are sandbags. Imagine that you are an ice cube melting as you release as much tension as possible. Notice your breath. Now feel the effects of gravity. Notice how much effort it takes to hold your head upright. Gently tip your head forward and feel its weight. Bring it back up in line with the body. Open your mouth and notice how much effort it requires to keep it closed. Feel gravity pulling at you and relax even more deeply – notice where you were still holding on. Try to stay out of judgment in this exercise the primary objective is to explore and observe. Pick up a hand and allow it to slowly move back to your lap, allowing it to drop the last 6 inches. Just play with the effects of gravity and notice how relaxed you feel after 10 minutes of exploration.
  • Grounding: Dr. Peter Levine’s version is to stand barefoot, legs wide and feet firmly planted; place hands on belly and sense your center of gravity; sway gently feeling the connection between your feet and the ground. You can even take off your shoes to feel connection to the earth or imagine roots growing down out of the feet. (Set an alarm to go off 2-3 times a day to remember you are in a body.)
  • Outside-In: (Dr. Levine) Choose something in the room that is appealing to look at. Name two qualities/aspects that you like. Briefly describe the qualities. What is the feeling sense these qualities give you? Now imagine these feelings have a texture or color that could move towards and into you. For instance, if the warm light of a lamp comforts you, imagine the warm light moving into you like a golden stream. The act of focusing on something outside of you helps you to become fully present, removed from the past incident that continues to trigger you – whether the initiating incident is conscious or not.
  • Constructive Rest: This position calms the psoas muscle, one of the largest muscles in the body that joins the upper body to the lower body. It holds deep-seated fear and trauma, which can cause it to shorten over time and tense regularly. Constructive rest allows this muscle to relax and lengthen.
  • Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT): There are many YouTubes about EFT otherwise known as “Tapping.” One taps on specific meridian points while repeating the phrase: “Even though I feel ______, I completely love and accept myself. I recommend to clients to choose the favorite spot (that creates the most inner peace) to tap when feeling anxious.

Great Resources

  • Badenoch, B. (2008). Being a Brain-wise Therapist: A Practical Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology, New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company
  • Baum, B. (1997). The Healing Dimensions: Resolving Trauma in BodyMind and Spirit. Tucson, AZ: West Press
  • Cozolino, L. (2015) Why Therapy Works. NY: W. W. Norton & Company
  • Grand, D. (n.d.) What is Brainspotting? Retrieved June 13, 2013 from http://www.brainspotting.pro/page/what-brainspotting
  • Levine, P. (2005). Healing Trauma, Boulder, CO: Sounds True, Inc.
  • Levine, P. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma, Berkeley, California: North  Atlantic Books
  • Marie, D. (2016). Finding Calm In a Moment:108 Practices in Movement, Mindfulness and Meditation for All Ages
  • MatĂ©, G. (2011). When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress, Vintage Canada
  • McLaren, K. (2010). Language of Emotions, Sounds True
  • Mellin, L. (2010). Wired for Joy, Hay House
  • Ogden, P. (2006). Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy, New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Co.
  • Porges, S. (2012). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation, NY, NY: W. W. Norton & Co.
  • Ralston, P. & Ralston, L. (2006) Zen Body-Being: An Enlightened Approach to Physical Skill, Grace and Power. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books
  • Scaer, R. (2005). The Trauma Spectrum: Hidden Wounds and Human Resiliency, New York: W.W. Norton & Co.
  • Schwartz, A. & Knipe, J. (2017). The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole, Althea Press
  • Shanker, S. & Barker, T. (2016). SELF-REG: How to Help Your Child (and you) Break the Stress Cycle and Successful Engage with Life, NY, NY: Penguin Books 
  • Siegel, D. (2015) Brainstorm, New York: Tarcher
  • Strozzi-Heckler, R. (2014). The Art of Somatic Coaching, Berkley: North Atlantic Books
  • Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma, New York: Viking
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“He threw a fit this morning about the school day being so long”

I recently received the following note: “My 8 year old is going through the dip.  He threw a fit this morning about the school day being so long.  He did stuff with tears and a snail’s pace as he finished getting ready for school which most likely made him late. While this doesn’t necessarily affect his grades, I know that it’s going to be a season of dragging him to school until Christmas break. What can I do to help his attitude toward the length of the school day improve?  It takes everything he has to be somewhat happy at school, but when he gets home to me he is a mess.” This is such a common story, and in this 13 minute video I break down 8 ideas to help:
  1. Metacognition 
  2. The circle of energy
  3. Asking your child
  4. Automating processes
  5. Take as much off plate as possible
  6. Timers and plans, chunking, abstract vs. concrete
  7. Days off & get out of jail free cards
  8. Super Saturdays
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An open letter to dads

Dear Dads,

As you know, I work with all sorts of students; middle school, high school, and college students, boys and girls both. To date, I’ve literally worked with hundreds of students, and I’ve noticed some pretty cool patterns. As I get to know my clients they begin to tell me about their lives, and I want to share one very interesting pattern that I’ve seen over and over: Across the board, kids want much more Dad time. They often tell me that they feel like their fathers don’t have enough time for them. Even teenagers who act like they don’t want to have anything to do with their fathers end up telling me that they want more dad time. Dad time is valuable, influential and essential.

What is “Dad time”?

What is Dad time you ask? Dad time is simply quality 1:1 time with you. It’s not complicated, your kids just want to be with you. I ask these kids, “what sorts of things do you want to do with your dad?” It’s pretty straight forward, they’ll tell me:
  • “I like it when we go fishing”
  • “I like to go to movies with him”
  • “I like to cook with him”
  • “I like to play games with him”
  • “I like when we joke around”
  • “I like to do art with him”
  • “I like when we hike”
  • “I like to just hang out with him”
  • “I like to go to sporting events with him”
  • “I like to go to concerts with him”

There’s no better time than the present

Since it’s summertime, this is a great opportunity to capitalize on this absolutely precious investment. Here’s how:
  1. Ask your child if they want more dad time.
  2. Ask your child what they like to do with you. Listen extra carefully. 
  3. Plan it. Plan specific times now for this summer, because it’s going to fly by in the blink of an eye.
  4. Execute. Go do the things you planned. Keep it light, fun, laughter filled. Tell them your life stories. Have fun. Bond.
The most important thing you can ever do is invest in your relationship with your child. Good luck and have an awesome summer! Seth

The Most Important Thing of All

The Most Important Thing in the World…

It’s not grades, SAT scores, college readiness. It’s not staying out of trouble, perfection, getting a job. It’s not extra curricular, resumes, letters of recommendation. It’s not “out there” anywhere. It’s so easy to get lost in the other stuff, but it’s right here and now. The most important thing is quality time with the people you care about. Connecting with our children. Playing with them. Laughter, fun, smiling freely, joy, gratitude, getting lost in the moments. Hearing them. Talking, listening deeply, truly hearing. Seeing them. Seeing and valuing their unique strengths, curiosities, talents, passions, interests, gifts. Seeing their best and noticing. Again, noticing. Unconditionally loving them. Holding a safe space for our children to be loved and supported exactly as they are at this moment. Holding space for one another to feel and process all feelings openly and safely. Creating experiences of belonging. It’s what we all need. Simply connection and presence. Presence. Presence. Every day of this life is precious. Our actions reflect our priorities, so take real time every single day to connect. And make time every single week to do something really fun. During these times, no school talk, no lectures, no electronics, no shame, no negativity. Just connect meaningfully. Today.
“Every moment is made glorious by the light of love” – Rumi

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The magic of meditation, a true story

minimum-portfolio-6I have practiced various forms of meditation for many years and I began to experiment with it after I was in a coma that nearly killed me. After the coma, I began having panic and anxiety attacks that grew in frequency and intensity. This happened because during the coma, my lungs shut down, I couldn’t breathe, so I was on a respirator for 9 days. My brain was storing important information about how dangerous it was to “lose my breath”. My anxiety was part of how my brain and body were trying to protect me. But my brain took it too far, I began to have obsessive fears that made everything worse. When I began to settle back into my routines again, my panic attacks grew. They were always related to a sense of suffocation and fear of death. I didn’t want to take medication for the anxiety and I ended up meditating with a therapist. She also turned me onto a particular book that helped a lot. I have since read many such books, taken classes on meditation, etc.. I literally don’t have panic or anxiety attacks any more, and that’s a direct gift of the meditation. The practice was so transformative for me that I began guiding meditations with students, and they loved it. In this video I share a true story about one of the students I currently work with. I guided him through some meditations and something crazy happened… The stomach pain he’d been living with for 10 years stopped while he was meditating. Anyone who has a child with chronic pain, knows how big this is. It means there is hope that he doesn’t have to live with this pain. Enjoy the video… Links: The first type of meditation I explored: Vipassana style meditation Amazon link to the first game changing meditation book I read: The Miracle of Mindfulness  

Winter Break 101 (Video)

antarcticaIt’s break. Everyone’s more than ready to get away from the daily grind… Students, teachers, parents, admin. You deserve this break. In fact, you need it. This time is about your needs. You need time to recharge, relax, revive, rejuvenate. Self-care is critical, and is not selfish. If fact it’s one of the most unselfish things you can do. Here are some ideas:

1. Chill.

Don’t think about school.  Come up for air. Relax. Unwind. Rejuvenate. Recharge. Let go of the agenda mindset.

2. Do what you love.

If you read or write over break, do it for pleasure. Do it for you. Read stuff you want to read. Write stuff you like to write. Take time to do other things that energize or stimulate you. Do your favorite workouts or sports. Dive into your hobbies. Watch some mindless movies. Do your thing for fun and relaxation.

3. Be present.

Take time for the most important thing in life, the people you care about. Really BE with them. Let go of distractions, (like technology) and engage with your family and friends. Be as present as you can be. This quality time is precious so don’t take it for granted.

4. If you MUST to do something for school, chunk it.

Plan a block or two that you will dedicate to these tasks. When you’re doing your task, focus on that one thing, do it in a large block of time and be done. When you’re done, DON’T think about it. Let it go and move on to what’s most meaningful in your life. Have a fantastic break. You deserve it. Happy holidays, Seth

Gratitude

It’s November, Gratitude Month. A time to go inward and reflect on the things that matter most and those things we’re thankful for. A focus on gratitude helps us to be in a state of abundance rather than scarcity.

Benefits

As it turns out, a practice of regular gratitude is good for you. People who have a regular practice have healthier relationships, happier memories, greater self-esteem, more energy, increase their income, are sick less often, are less depressed, sleep better, exercise more, and even live longer. Essentially, the more grateful we are, the happier we are.

Teaching gratitude

If you’re a parent or teacher, modeling an attitude of gratitude is tremendously powerful and contagious. We constantly teach by example. Unfortunately, modeling an attitude of scarcity and negativity is also contagious. We get to choose how we want to show up and what we want to teach, and hopefully we choose wisely.

Try this

Here’s an easy exercise you can use to increase the gratitude you experience. Get a new notebook or journal and label it, “Gratitude Journal.” Personalize it as you wish and only ever use it to write gratitude lists or positive thoughts. Then, for the next 30 days, start and end each day writing 3 or more things you are grateful for. If that’s too much, try it for just 3 days. I have been writing gratitude lists intermittently for years and it’s been a game-changer for me. Sometimes I write a short bullet list, sometimes I write with a bit of depth. Either way works. Here’s mine from yesterday:
November 22, 2014, Morning I’m grateful: 1. That I get to do work that I love and that matters to me. 2. For my awesome family. 3. That I’m in a place in my life where I feel grounded, connected, at peace and happy.
And with deep gratitude to you: I am truly so grateful to you, dear audience. I feel so lucky to live in a time when I can share my work with the world and try to make a bit of a dent in the universe. Thanks for being a part of that-I appreciate you. Happy Gratitude Month, Seth

Want another challenge?

Go ahead and share your voice below. In the comments, share a list of 3 things you’re grateful for right now. Try it, and notice how it affects the rest of your day!

Real stories

I received this email last week and it articulated something I’ve heard countless times and in countless ways. Here’s a quote from it:
“My ex was a total asshole to my Aspie and it’s infuriating that he can’t understand his own son, nor does he want to. There’s “that” as part of this journey… fighting against educators, the “public” when we go places, and our own freaking spouses and families… Grrrrrrrr. My child’s soul got hurt. Ok, on a positive note, my son called me after it happened and they’ll be home today and we’ll talk it through. And that is a gift I can give him. :)”
Wow, those last 5 words of the first paragraph are especially heavy to me. Yeah, this isn’t your typical post. It’s real, it’s about messy stuff, it’s ugly. We deal with REAL issues and problems that affect our kids deeply. It’s also about solutions. A big gift in the above situation: She can hold a safe space for her son
 HE (the son) called HER (the mom). THAT’S HUGE. I definitely can’t pretend to be positive all the time. A lot of what’s going on for our kids sucks. Parents call me in crisis, I hear the stories. There is real dysfunction; in family systems, school systems, community systems, employment systems. It’s real, the consequences are real and we can’t hide from it and expect someone else to step up and fix it. We all need to step up as much as we can. The reason I do what I do is because it’s important to me on a gut level. It pains me to know how children suffer needlessly and I want to see it change, so I do what I can. It’s only through real dialogue that we can come to meaningful solutions. Of course there are change makers, proactive people, people doing great things, healers. Of course there are countless people who have courageously stood up to injustice and made a difference. And I’m certain that if you are still reading this, you’re part of the solutions. Anyhow, I certainly don’t have all the answers. I have ideas, but that’s about it. For example, I think fear is the main culprit, that it is a corrosive force that underlies all dysfunction. I think that it’s scary for us adults to feel our feelings, and this has tremendous consequences. I think that we are pretty checked out as a society, that we have opportunities to hide and avoid healthy vulnerability at every turn. I think that prevents us from having deep connections which make life full and rich and meaningful. I know that I’ve done so much work on myself over the years that I don’t know what I’d do without it. You probably have done a bunch of  your own deep inner-work as well. We ALL have baggage and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Yet our culture tells us it’s not ok to talk about. Keep your mouth shut. Don’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Forget about it and it will go away. There’s this saying,
“Don’t compare your insides to other’s outsides.”
We may look at people on the outside, and everything looks great. We can compare too much sometimes. Again, we ALL have stuff. I have so many parents and kids open up to me as they get to know me. I hear so many stories of suffering
 and stories of triumph. But time after time my heart hurts because so much of the pain is unnecessary. It’s 2014, we have tools to work with fear, emotion, clarity, yet our approach to education is archaic and ruled by quantitive data. We misappropriate so much value on this data, these scores, that we miss that point. The point is quality of life, and our metrics simply don’t cut it. We often do a horrible job of addressing emotional needs, social needs, physical well-being, inspiration, creativity, curiosity. 
“Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.” -William Bruce Cameron 
What counts for YOUR children? What do you really want for them?  Shame and silence hold us back. Our stories need to be told so we can support each other and help our kids have the lives and opportunities they deserve. Some tragic stories make the news-these are so important. But we hear about these when it’s too late. We need to share our stories now, support each other now, live in the solution now. So tell me dear reader, what’s real for you? What’s your story? What do you need in order to help yourself and your children live as fully as they deserve to? In service, Seth ps-yes, the person quoted above gave her permission for me to use her words. If you’d like to share your story, I will hold that space for you any way you want. You can write directly to me privately, post a comment at the bottom to share with the community, ask me to share your story anonymously, etc..Â